I have forgiven, but I haven't forgotten

[Guest]

Just about two months ago, I learned that my boyfriend cheated on me in Dec 2005. He and the OW had a past; they both worked together during the previous summer and were f*** buddies, but never pursued a relationship because she was moving overseas. When things didn't work out for her overseas, she moved back to the States and decided she wanted to pursue things w/ my boyfriend again, knowing that he was now in a committed relationship. We had only been exclusive for two weeks (and had dated for about 3 months non-exclusively prior to the "commitment"). He was the one that wanted to make it exclusive, yet two weeks later he tells me she is coming to visit, but that I have "nothing to worry about". They are just friends he tells me.

 

Since I gave him the benefit of the doubt, I never asked what happened that night. He told me that they had talked about me and that he was very happy with the current situation, but what he failed to tell me until May was that they had several drinks that night and came back to his apt to get it on (and she stayed the night). It was not until I asked him how he left things w/ her during a relationship conversation that he decided to come clean. He played the scenario in his head so many times that I feel he's tried to downplay it. He's also told me that he may have not been ready to commit at that point and if his encounter w/ the OW had happened a week or two prior that I'd have no right to be mad. That really ticked me off.

 

My initial reaction was extreme anger and disbelief, especially because things have gotten very serious (like we talk marriage within the next 1-1 1/2 year serious) over the last few months. We met by fate (knew each other in high school and hadn't seen each other for nearly 10 years) and the stars have been lined up for us ever since. I also never thought he was capable of cheating since I recall a conversation we had on our first date about how it ruins people (it ruined his parent's marriage and his relationship with his father). To his credit, she had called and emailed him a few times in the last couple of months and he has not responded. However...

 

They are back working together for the summer (they teach at a boarding school, so they live in the same bldg, spend alot of time together, etc.). He tells me last week that she seemed to think things would pick up where they left off. They were out for drinks with a group of people over the weekend and she asked him why they hadn't had a chance to talk much. He told her that his head and heart are in a very different place now and that they have to keep their relationship professional. I am just afraid that if they go out and both get drunk that he'll let his guard down. He assures me that he won't, but at the same time he knows that he has not fully regained my trust yet so I don't want him to have the attitude that, "well if she doesn't trust me then I might as well act as if I can't be trusted".

 

I made a comment the other night (in anger) that I still have very hateful feelings toward her and that I'd love to beat the crap out of her. My bark is much worse than my bite. I'm 27, professional, educated, and have class; however, I am still human and say things that I would never actually act upon. He's afraid if I come to visit him (he's about 2 1/2 hrs away for the next 6 weeks) that I'm going to let my anger get the best of me. I have promised him that I will not do anything to embarrass him or jeopardize his career and that he needs to trust me. He said I've backed him into a corner because I've told him that I am working to trust him while he's away and that he only owes me the same trust. Maybe I was wrong to equate these two situations and the level of trust that is necessary for both of us.

 

Over the last two months, I have gone from feeling bad to worse, to 100% better about the situation. Prior to him leaving for this summer job, I really felt as though I had put this behind me. But hearing about him talk about her and having to work with her, etc. has brought out the anger again. Not to mention that I found a pic of her on myspace where she is standing in her underwear next to a bed (supposedly an exboyfriend posted it in revenge and she doesn't know how to get it off there). That sent her down another 20 points in my book. I ended up telling my boyfriend yesterday that I found the pic of her and he was enraged that I even searched for her profile. I think most women would...curiousity. Now that I have a bad impression of her in my head, all I want to do is punch my fist through a wall...but I know that won't get me anywhere. If anyone has been in a similar situation and has advice, I'm all ears. Sorry for the long post...I needed to get it off my chest (and my boyfriend and I agreed to keep this quiet, so I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it).

 

Thanks

[Kathleen2260]

I totally understand where you are coming from. My boyfriend had an emotional affair (I know, not the same thing- but still the same feelings of anger and betrayal) with one of his exes last year. I thought I had forgiven him and was over it until she keeps showing up where he works (to talk to some of his co-workers). It is hard to let go of the pain and even more difficult for you because your boyfriend is working with this woman again and this is stirring up all that hate and resentment and all of those bad feelings. I think he should be more understanding of your feelings and make it a point to invite you to visit him so he can show you that nothing is going on and make you feel more at ease. You need to talk to him about how her being around him all the time at work is brining back all these feelings of insecurity and anger and that you may need reassurance from time to time. Of course we all hate the OW and want to blame them for everything (and a lot of the time they are 50% at fault too because they knew your significant other was already taken) but as much as you want to hate her it won't make you feel any better about the situation. I just suggest give it time and encourage your boyfriend to NOT defend this woman (when you get mad and say things you don't necessarily mean like you want to beat her up) Good luck!

[RedHead27]

I actually wrote the first entry on this post (didn't have a username at the time). Kathleen, I wanted to say thank you for replying and sharing your story with me.

 

I can relate; I just feel like we can get her out of our lives because he sees her every day. He has indirectly indicated to me that being in this situation is hard, but that he is "behaving" himself and can't wait for the day he comes home and tells me that nothing happened. So that makes me feel like the thought of being w/ her has crossed his mind; maybe he can't help it because he is still physically (and partially emotionally) attracted to her. Can I be mad about that? I also feel like he wants a medal for not getting involved with her...and I feel like saying, "So you want to be rewarded for doing what you are SUPPOSED to be doing all along?"

 

I am going to see him this weekend and I will see her for the first time face to face. Every time I think about our encounter I get a nauseated feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have vowed to him to "behave" myself too and not be a catty b*tch. I told him I will be civil to her, but he said I have to not only be civil but be courteous. Being civil is hard enough, but I am going to do my best and come out on top.

 

Although I only got one reply to my post, I want to thank everyone for sharing their stories. Just reading other strings of people in similar situations has made me feel better and made me want to work at the healing process.

[Want_my_baby_back]

I just confessed to the love of my life recently that I cheated on her twice since we've been officially going out. We had a long distance relationship and during the 10 months that we had been going out officially I fooled around twice with two different girls. We had only met each other 3 times in those 10 months but we were deeply in love and I had cheated on her once after we met face to face for the first time since we met on the net. Then I cheated on her again after we met a second time.

 

I confessed to her recently because we were confessing to each other what we had done before we met up face to face. Even though we hadn't met yet we were supposedly in love but she had also done some things I never would have expected her to do, but since we became official she was faithful and I slipped. But I really do love her and it hurts so much now that I've lost her. She wasn't able to forgive me after I had told her. I did everything I could have done to show how sorry I was. The night I told her I drove 12 hours to see her.

 

During the time I spent in her city, I bought her flowers, sang her a song on her doorstep, bought her a gift and cried with her. It has been a month now and she is still in alot of pain and so am I. I've stopped calling her because she said it only makes things harder. She is the most beautiful and the best woman I've ever known. I know I could never love anyone like I love her. I really am sorry and regret what I did. Everyday I pray that she will somehow come to forgive me and take me back.

 

"Once a cheater always a cheater" is not always the case as I am proof it is not. I confessed my mistakes and have turned from them. I know that if she takes me back she won't regret it. If you really do love your man, give him a second chance. If he confessed to you and you can see that he really wants to be with you give him a chance and trust him. He might be a better person after what He did.

 

I hope everything works out for you!

 

Anthony