gueniverre Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 Please tell me if I am being selfish...I really really need to know so I can fix this situation.... Lately, I feel like my relationship is on the brink of disaster. I feel like I am constantly flucuating between utter manic despair meltdown mode (the mental hospital kind) or the grab your s*** and get the hell out of here, anywhere but here mode. There are some major issues taking place that directly affects our relationship, our future, our everything in the upcoming months. I have been severely stressed out about this, and have been on pins and needles for the past week. Besides all of this, there have been several underlying issues that have needed attention, like his propensity towards scheming and lying to get what he wants, jealousy factors and so on. My issue is that I feel like literally RIPPING OUT MY HAIR or sobbing uncontrollably whenever I have a conversation with him.... Here is an idea of what our conversations are like: Ending 1 We meet at home, after work, and after a bit, I tell him I need to talk to him about something. He says fine and then proceeds to get on the phone and round up a friend or two and sits outside drinking beers while I am cooking dinner. Hence, the conversation never even gets to happen. Ending 2 We meet at home, after work, and I tell him there are some things I need to discuss with him. Before I even open my mouth, he tells me that I always say the same things. Gets on the phone and gabs for 15 minutes before he is out the door, saying that he has to meet a friend about a job. Ending 3 We meet at home. He takes a shower, watches T.V. I tell him I need to talk to him about something. Asks me what I want now. I proceed to tell him that I feel like things are seriously coming to an end. He interrupts me by turning up the volume on the t.v. and telling me to shush. After about 20 minutes of back and forth with him alternately listening to me and the tv, I get fed up, and go take a shower and cry. Ending 4 We meet at home. Repeat above (ending 3) until he interrupts me to tell me that I always talk about the same thing, and could we talk about this later. I give in, take a shower, cook, clean, and after we eat, I try to engage him once more. This lasts for about 5 minutes before he starts to SLEEP in the middle of the conversation. I try to wake him up. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. When it works, he listens with half an ear, while drifting in and out of sleep before he wakes up and yells at me for always talking about the same things and could we talk about this later.... The thing is, we DO end up talking about the same things because he NEVER lets me finish anything. He always interrupts me by saying "you always talk about the same things" or "can we finish this later" or we never get to have the conversation because he occupies his time with other things. I have let things sit for a week before bringing it up again, because I figure thats enough time, but it never is enough time. He wont listen. Period. How can I start talking about different things if we never finish the problems we are having? Also, if he wants to finish the conversation later, and I bring it up later like he suggests, why is he telling me that I always talk about the same thing??!! I never got the chance to finish the conversation to begin with!! Everything I say to him regarding our problems is always "the same thing" to him and always boils down to "you need to stop being jealous". He doesnt seem to get that I am perilously close to a nervous breakdown and/or leaving him. I have tried all sorts of things. Talking at different times of the day. On the phone. Not at all. Time in between conversations. Ignoring. Nothing at all works. Nothing. If I do manage to get 5 minutes in on how I have been feeling, it is dead air, no feedback, no opinions from his end. Just silent dead air. I ask him what he thought of what I had to stay, and the silence is broken with "you need to stop being so jealous and then we will be fine" after the whole conversation was about how he is emotionally cold and distant with me. When I talk to him about how things are within me, what I am feeling, anything about our relationship, it is like I am talking to a wall. No feedback, no opinions, no reassurance. Absolutely nothing but dead air, followed by "you need to stop being so jealous......" And that is pretty much it. Am I being selfish?
superconductor Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 This sort of mis-communication is a very, very common issue in relationships. It is a manifestation of the different ways that men and women communicate. Generally, women talk to share feelings, while men talk to exchange data. So when you're talking to him about how you're feeling, he's probably thinking something like, "OK, enough already with the feelings stuff. Get to the point," which is why he's saying that you're always talking about the same thing. I'm not saying that he's right and you're wrong, or vice versa. But I am saying that your different communication styles are at the root of this problem. If you want him to listen to you, you'll have to speak his language. And, like most men, his language revolves around fixing the issue. To him, it's got precious little to do with "feelings." A little more info on the nature of the perceived jealousy may help as well.
Outcast Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 Write him a letter. Or sit in the bathroom while he has his shower and tell him. Or the next time he tells you to shut up, tell him to have a little respect and listen because you're out the door if he doesn't. Or see a lawyer, get the papers in order, and hand them to him.
Author gueniverre Posted July 3, 2006 Author Posted July 3, 2006 Thank you, superconductor, for your feedback...... How is this for cutting out the feelings in a conversation and getting straight to the point: I AM GOING TO LEAVE YOU IF THINGS DO NOT CHANGE. I have said this, and meant it. Still no response except for "you need to stop being so jealous or we always talk about the same things"...actually, I take that back. He did say "what, you dont love me anymore"? after I made that statement. I told him that loving him has nothing to do with this situation. I could still love him, but not tolerate the situation. He shuts me up fast by telling me that if I loved him, I wouldnt leave him and if I do leave him, thats because I didnt love him. It is normal in any conversation to have a feeling or opinion on the matter. It is normal to acknowledge what the other person is saying. A simple uh huh, or even a shake of the head would show you were listening. He is devoid of all of this. Just vapid, dead air until I ask his opinion and he repeats the same things. The conversation isnt even close to being about jealousy, like the bolded statement from above. But somehow, that is what he manages to say at the end of it all. He isnt slow. Or slow witted. I have seen him with all sorts of feelings and opinions and acknowledging what others say when he is around others. In fact, he is quite boisterous, and popular. Behind closed doors, it is just a lifeless, dull husk with no opinion on anything. Recently, I asked him what his take on the death penalty was and he said "what are you talking about"...? When I repeated it, he said "your always jealous.......ha ha ha (im joking:lmao: ) No, he said "I dont know".....How can one not know? When I talk about other things, its always "what are you talking about or I dont know"..... I DONT GET IT.
Author gueniverre Posted July 3, 2006 Author Posted July 3, 2006 Write him a letter. Or sit in the bathroom while he has his shower and tell him. Or the next time he tells you to shut up, tell him to have a little respect and listen because you're out the door if he doesn't. Thank you, Outcast! I have done all three of these things. Letters....I have written a dozen or so. He says "again...?" and reads them, puts them aside and literally has NO COMMENT until I push him on it and then its "you always say the same thing or your always jealous" These arent half a page letters either. Sometimes I have sat in there when has taken a shower and tried to catch him like that, but thats even worse because he pretends he cant hear me, and then he says "can we talk about this when I get out" which apparently results in the same thing.."i always talk about the same thing...." Or the next time he tells you to shut up, tell him to have a little respect and listen because you're out the door if he doesn't. I have especially done this one when his disrespectfulness has reached an all time high, like when I will be mid conversation and he will walk out the door, and close it in my face...
Curmudgeon Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 Don't you know by now that the four scariest words in the English language to a man are, "We have to talk!" when coming from his mate? My wife and I joke about that because talking is easy for us since we believe in conversations rather than confrontations. If you can keep it short and to the point, he's likely to hear you. Also, consider not presaging it by the use of that phgrase or anything close to it. Just launch into what you have to say without introduction or embellishment. If your "talks" are usually a diatribe and litany of what you believe he's doing wrong, it's no wonder he's tired of them, literally, if you wake him from a sound sleep for them. Approach is everything and remember, we men process information quite differently than you women. Try approaching him from the perspective of your concerns about the relationship (we love to fix thing, ya know) rather than a laundry list of what he's doing wrong. Make it about you (your fears and sorrows) rather than him (his mistakes and foibles). He doesnt seem to get that I am perilously close to a nervous breakdown and/or leaving him. I'd suggest the latter rather than the former. Sometimes men need to be swacked between the eyes with a 2X4 to get their attention. Leaving might do that and serve as a wake-up call to him that you're serious, not just running off at the mouth. He may come running with ears wide open!
Author gueniverre Posted July 3, 2006 Author Posted July 3, 2006 If you can keep it short and to the point, he's likely to hear you. Also, consider not presaging it by the use of that phgrase or anything close to it. Just launch into what you have to say without introduction or embellishment. If your "talks" are usually a diatribe and litany of what you believe he's doing wrong, it's no wonder he's tired of them, literally, if you wake him from a sound sleep for them. Approach is everything and remember, we men process information quite differently than you women. Try approaching him from the perspective of your concerns about the relationship (we love to fix thing, ya know) rather than a laundry list of what he's doing wrong. Make it about you (your fears and sorrows) rather than him (his mistakes and foibles).-curmudgeon Would you believe me if I told you that I already knew all of this, and that This was how I was approaching things, but still ended up with the same result?? If your "talks" are usually a diatribe and litany of what you believe he's doing wrong, it's no wonder he's tired of them, literally, if you wake him from a sound sleep for them. No, I dont wake him from a sound sleep to launch into a discussion. I launch into a discussion and then he starts to *sleep* but what it really is, is *avoidance*...this I already know. Look, its not like I follow him around, blabbing his ear off. In fact, when I do talk to him about delicate issues, I usually dread it, and wait until I cant stand it any more to bring it up. I have tried to bring it up when it first happens, so it doesnt build up, but that doesnt work either. I already know saying "we have to talk" makes men cringe. But when all else fails, and I cant trick him into a conversation, at least I can let him know up front whats going to happen.
Author gueniverre Posted July 3, 2006 Author Posted July 3, 2006 At this point, I just want all of your honest feedback.....can you answer this one question for me: Is this hopeless?
Curmudgeon Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 Then perhaps he'll never listen to you. Therefore, it's up to you to determine your tolerance level.
target-d Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 I AM GOING TO LEAVE YOU IF THINGS DO NOT CHANGE. I have said this, and meant it. Did you leave him? If not, then he most likely perceived it as an empty threat. At this point, I just want all of your honest feedback.....can you answer this one question for me: Is this hopeless? If you keep on doing the same things, yes. If you can, get both of you to a marriage counselor. If you can't do that, then get yourself to a counselor. Do you WANT the relationship anymore? Frankly, it doesn't sound to me like you do. If you are looking for a reason to leave, then just leave. We really don't need reasons to frame our unhappiness. If you WANT the relationship, then for God's sake, stop telling him you have something you want to talk to him about. Just talk. Don't dump, don't use it as a reason for criticizing. Talk. And somewhere in all the talk about how you are feeling, you might want to ask him if HE is happy, and if not what you can do to improve HIS existence as well.
justagirliegirl Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 Sounds like you have tried everything but he isn't taking you seriously. Bring out the 2 x 4 for dense men. Book a room at a hotel for 2-3 days. Instead of coming home from work, go to the hotel and stay there. This will get his attention.
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