Guest Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 .... no matter that he would lose money, no matter that he would have to fight for his kids, no matter that it's just easier to not get divorced - if he truly wanted to, he would do it. The fact is that he can bear to see you hurt. He might not especially like it, but if he does not intend to leave his wife.... he can bear to see you hurt. He can live with your hurt more than he can live with his wife's. Your pain is secondary. Think about your feelings for him. Could you ever hurt him in that way? No? Then how come he can do it to you? Would you fight tooth and nail to not have him hurt? Then how come he won't reciprocate? No matter what he has told you about his tragic marriage and how miserable he is, the fact remains..... if you want him to leave her and he won't, he can stand to see you hurting more than he could stand to see his wife hurting. No matter what he tells you.
stillafool Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 Okay who are you talking to? Yourself? I don't get it.
bunset Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 .... no matter that he would lose money, no matter that he would have to fight for his kids, no matter that it's just easier to not get divorced - if he truly wanted to, he would do it. The fact is that he can bear to see you hurt. He might not especially like it, but if he does not intend to leave his wife.... he can bear to see you hurt. He can live with your hurt more than he can live with his wife's. Your pain is secondary. Think about your feelings for him. Could you ever hurt him in that way? No? Then how come he can do it to you? Would you fight tooth and nail to not have him hurt? Then how come he won't reciprocate? No matter what he has told you about his tragic marriage and how miserable he is, the fact remains..... if you want him to leave her and he won't, he can stand to see you hurting more than he could stand to see his wife hurting. No matter what he tells you. I won't argue with this.... Doesn't matter who it's directed at or coming from (although it does sound a bit like a BS) but read something in an unrelated forum that hit home. That being said - I'd sell everything I own and do anything I had to do to keep my wife - but I'd not be the husband she wanted in the end if I had to do it. ^ This whole thing makes it a bit more understandable, though.
Sami_D Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 .... The fact is that he can bear to see you hurt. He might not especially like it, but if he does not intend to leave his wife.... he can bear to see you hurt. He can live with your hurt more than he can live with his wife's. Your pain is secondary. I'd agree with this. Apart from the idea that it's necessarily anything to do with his W's pain. If there are children involved it is more than likely that MM doesn't want to see them hurt. (leaving aside the arguments that 'they would be better off in the long-run'... my xMM was well aware of that, but it's the present-day tears that are hard to bear). I fully believe that any OW should take responsibility for her OWN pain... same as any adult should, whoever they are and whatever situation they're in. If it's hurting... change your situation. Very simple (not so easy to do in practice). A MM can 'bear to see you in pain', because you're an adult, with your own mind. If you're still there, despite the pain... logic says... you don't mind that pain so much..? If it was hurting SO bad... you'd walk away... wouldn't you? Just my way of thinking.
Guest Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 Nope, not a BS.... an OW who got her man. Three years on, his kids love me, his mother loves me, even his ex-inlaws approve - because the marriage was THAT dead in the water. He was one MM who wasn't lying. The marriage really was over, my presence just made the transition smoother for him. Sure, it took time for both him and me to realise what I said in the first post. But once we did, you can be sure that he cut the ties with his wife straight away. And did it in a way that the kids were fully accepting. Heck, one of them even lives with us.
bunset Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 Nope, not a BS.... an OW who got her man. Three years on, his kids love me, his mother loves me, even his ex-inlaws approve - because the marriage was THAT dead in the water. He was one MM who wasn't lying. The marriage really was over, my presence just made the transition smoother for him. Sure, it took time for both him and me to realise what I said in the first post. But once we did, you can be sure that he cut the ties with his wife straight away. And did it in a way that the kids were fully accepting. Heck, one of them even lives with us. gotcha, understood. Sami is right. I find it interesting that sometimes in an A we go into it with eyes wide open and know that someone will get hurt. Therefore, since I knew the situation, my pain is that much more 'justifiable' and 'acceptable'. My husband was the OM 16 years ago, with me.... I also knew that he had been a serial cheater in his 1st marriage. I never dreamed, until the marriage became unbearable that I would do it again. I will accept, my pain is mine to deal with, and belongs to no one but me.
ahotmess Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 Many Kudos for this post! It is the absolute truth! There is nothing that I would not do for my MM! I mean it. Ask me anything.....I'm there. But he knows that. And whatever the cost.....I know deep down....Ahhh....I really don't know anything deep down anymore. If he felt the way I do....he would give it all up...seperate bank accounts....no children....really what does he have to lose? He'd rather lose me. But on the other hand if I continue on...he thinks that it is acceptable...and why change what is not broken right????
Walking away Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 I agree 100% with this poster. No doubt in my mind. What she wrote is the truth. His concern for my pain came second to his wife's pain. Period. And that is why I am out. Forever and for good.
stillafool Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 I think if anything the W and the OW's pain come second to his. He'd rather see both of them in pain before himself. If he cared about his W's pain he wouldn't cheat. I think the OW's pain is secondary to his if it means losing his possessions and having to cough up more money and losing his lifestyle. I really don't think it's a matter of "who would I rather see hurt my wife or OW?" I think it's a matter of "which decision would hurt me the most?"
Guest Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 I think if anything the W and the OW's pain come second to his. He'd rather see both of them in pain before himself. If he cared about his W's pain he wouldn't cheat. I think the OW's pain is secondary to his if it means losing his possessions and having to cough up more money and losing his lifestyle. I really don't think it's a matter of "who would I rather see hurt my wife or OW?" I think it's a matter of "which decision would hurt me the most?" Since the MM is, if nothing else, a selfish SOB, I would absolutely 100% agree with this statement.
Guest Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 Then why are you still posting? Nope, not a BS.... an OW who got her man. Three years on, his kids love me, his mother loves me, even his ex-inlaws approve - because the marriage was THAT dead in the water. He was one MM who wasn't lying. The marriage really was over, my presence just made the transition smoother for him. Sure, it took time for both him and me to realise what I said in the first post. But once we did, you can be sure that he cut the ties with his wife straight away. And did it in a way that the kids were fully accepting. Heck, one of them even lives with us.
ahotmess Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 I think if anything the W and the OW's pain come second to his. He'd rather see both of them in pain before himself. If he cared about his W's pain he wouldn't cheat. I think the OW's pain is secondary to his if it means losing his possessions and having to cough up more money and losing his lifestyle. I really don't think it's a matter of "who would I rather see hurt my wife or OW?" I think it's a matter of "which decision would hurt me the most?" I think that maybe it is also a matter of "Why fix what is not broken?" I mean if he is getting to keep things good at home....and still have an OW then maybe he feels it is the best way to keep the peace? Maybe he can atleast save one person from being hurt? But it isn't me he is saving...or going home to. And as broken as I feel, I know it will just continue in this pattern. That is why I have new resolve to end things. He has sent me a few texts and I haven't returned them. I have never not returned his messages. Now I am just curious as to what he will do...if I just...stop. We'll see. No more texting for me. I am out.
Guest Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Touche:) I don't believe for a second its about wanting one person to hurt more or less than another, etc. I believe there are so many endless factors that play into it that you can't wrap it up in a neat little package like that. No one is that one dimensional. Why on earth not?
Sami_D Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Touche:) I don't believe for a second its about wanting one person to hurt more or less than another, etc. I believe there are so many endless factors that play into it that you can't wrap it up in a neat little package like that. No one is that one dimensional. I agree. No mature, rational adult will base a decision on what s/he wants to do in a situation on a consideration of the degree of hurt likely to be caused to other adults free to make their own decisions. There are far more factors than that.. or there should be! If you really believe that such a factor is in any way basic to such decisions you need to get yourself checked out for co-dependency issues and being overly 'caring' of others. Besides which, a MM involved in an A most times does not have to make a decision. This is the crucial point. As I said in my earlier post, the onus is on the OW (or the W, if we're talking about a situation in which all parties are aware of what's happening) to make a decision about her own life, her own happiness and best interests. Let's not make a mistake about this... in taking back a WS, the W will often be acting in (what she believes is) the best interest of any children... and so, often, will the MM. THE OW has no such 'excuse' for compromising her own happiness... so why do it? But back to the main point... So often, it's this that is the basis of all the pain of an Affair for the OW: leaving the responsibility for ending the hurt on the MM, who does not have to make a decision, since the OW is allowing the affair to continue! Complete madness.
newbby Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 i was just about to say that mms decision probably has less to do with what everybody else wants, and more to do with what he wants. NOT a critisism of mm by the way. sami has pointed out though that often the mm will be thinking of his children, and of course, rightly so. i think this must be a huge factor. But back to the main point... So often, it's this that is the basis of all the pain of an Affair for the OW: leaving the responsibility for ending the hurt on the MM, who does not have to make a decision, since the OW is allowing the affair to continue! Complete madness. well said. unless of course the ow does not wish for mm to leave his marriage. although then of course, she may still be in pain because she does not get treated so well in the relationship, or she may just be in pain with living with the realisation that it can never be, and the battle to keep away from mm. who knows. but of course, it is still correct that she is putting herself through the pain and it is madness.
stillafool Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Not all OW are in pain. Some are seeing MM and other boyfriends. The MM just happens to be one of the boyfriends. Some OW wouldn't want him to leave their W. They get dinners, gifts, concerts, etc. from MM as a date and wouldn't want to settle down with him. There are so many factors and different situations to consider in these relationships.
newbby Posted July 6, 2006 Posted July 6, 2006 Not all OW are in pain. Some are seeing MM and other boyfriends. The MM just happens to be one of the boyfriends. Some OW wouldn't want him to leave their W. They get dinners, gifts, concerts, etc. from MM as a date and wouldn't want to settle down with him. There are so many factors and different situations to consider in these relationships. this is very true
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