Sparky04 Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 My Fiancee and I have been together 5 years in november. She is 21 I will be 21 this month. Lately she has been very depressed about herself about her self image and weight and everything. for years she has gone through these spells of depression sometimes as often as every other week etc. last year at georgia southern she went to a physciatrist and she was diagnosed with dysthymia which is an ongoing state of depression which isn't necessarily full out depression but it comes in waves and never lets the person with it ever be truly happy. I feel that the doctor was right not only do the symptoms describe her situation to a tee but I know that from her father there is a family history of it. However she denied it when she was told and has refused to look into it any further despit my requests. So I feel that this current situation more than likely started out as a depressed stage but i have definately not done my job in helping her. First off, I am by no means an angel. I have done many things that i am not proud of and many things that i am very ashamed of. one thing that has been my weakness from the very beginning is that during an argument iam weak in the fact that she can make me say anything she wants to hear. This is what i mean(keep in mind that this would actually take like 20 minutes to get to the end of this exchange, if she asks me if she is fat then i would say no and remind her that she is beautiful, she would then ask in a much more agressive tone so your telling me that fat is attractive, i would say no baby fat is not attractive but you are not fat, then she would say so fat is a turn off and i would hesitate like what do you mean and she would push again, so your turned on by fat and i would say no she would then say so fat is a turn off i would say yes and then she would come back and say so you think that i am fat and my body is a turn off i would say no baby idid not say that i dont think that but from then on it's too late if i try and explain she has this way of getting me on technicalities to where I (definately shouldnt and i realize that) but i agree with her and so now I thinks that she is fat and her body is a turn off. from then on when she is being so harsh on herself i cant console her and remind how incredibly beautiful she is because i said otherwise so now i am lying. I wll then try and explain that i do think she is beautiful but i am just "lying to her" Now just imagine that situations on a bunch of different physical trates such as the fact that her breasts arent symetrical nor her aereola's( i know that this seems ridiculous) as well as her complexion (she is a natural red head with a very fair complexionwhich is actually a big plus for me.) and you may see where we are now. Im at a point now where she says that she cant be happy with me if I can never truly be happy with how she looks. She says she could lose weight but she cant change her breasts or complexion etc. Now the truth is yeah i would like for her to lose some weight (im ashamed to say that but it is the truth) as for her complexion and breast they really arent issues for me. I know that there are things i could have done differently but I cant help but feel that her dysthymia has something to do with this. Does anyone have any idea how i could get out of this situation and make her feel good again? All i want to do is make her happy please help.
Outcast Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 You can't 'make' her do anything. She needs to realize that her issues with her body are her issues and that she needs to talk to a counsellor about getting over them. Nobody can repair a broken person except the person himself. The best you can do is encourage her to get help. However if she doesn't, is this the way you want to live 'till the end of your days? You've been together since you were high school kids and I'm guessing never dated anyone else so neither of you knows how relationships can be or should be. Nothing will change when you're married so if you're somehow thinking that her becoming your wife will magically make your life different or better, think again. She'll have the same issues, argue with you as much and over the same things, etc.
HeyYouGuys Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 My Fiancee and I have been together 5 years in november. She is 21 I will be 21 this month. Lately she has been very depressed about herself about her self image and weight and everything. for years she has gone through these spells of depression sometimes as often as every other week etc. last year at georgia southern she went to a physciatrist and she was diagnosed with dysthymia which is an ongoing state of depression which isn't necessarily full out depression but it comes in waves and never lets the person with it ever be truly happy. I feel that the doctor was right not only do the symptoms describe her situation to a tee but I know that from her father there is a family history of it. However she denied it when she was told and has refused to look into it any further despit my requests. So I feel that this current situation more than likely started out as a depressed stage but i have definately not done my job in helping her. First off, I am by no means an angel. I have done many things that i am not proud of and many things that i am very ashamed of. one thing that has been my weakness from the very beginning is that during an argument iam weak in the fact that she can make me say anything she wants to hear. This is what i mean(keep in mind that this would actually take like 20 minutes to get to the end of this exchange, if she asks me if she is fat then i would say no and remind her that she is beautiful, she would then ask in a much more agressive tone so your telling me that fat is attractive, i would say no baby fat is not attractive but you are not fat, then she would say so fat is a turn off and i would hesitate like what do you mean and she would push again, so your turned on by fat and i would say no she would then say so fat is a turn off i would say yes and then she would come back and say so you think that i am fat and my body is a turn off i would say no baby idid not say that i dont think that but from then on it's too late if i try and explain she has this way of getting me on technicalities to where I (definately shouldnt and i realize that) but i agree with her and so now I thinks that she is fat and her body is a turn off. from then on when she is being so harsh on herself i cant console her and remind how incredibly beautiful she is because i said otherwise so now i am lying. I wll then try and explain that i do think she is beautiful but i am just "lying to her" Now just imagine that situations on a bunch of different physical trates such as the fact that her breasts arent symetrical nor her aereola's( i know that this seems ridiculous) as well as her complexion (she is a natural red head with a very fair complexionwhich is actually a big plus for me.) and you may see where we are now. Im at a point now where she says that she cant be happy with me if I can never truly be happy with how she looks. She says she could lose weight but she cant change her breasts or complexion etc. Now the truth is yeah i would like for her to lose some weight (im ashamed to say that but it is the truth) as for her complexion and breast they really arent issues for me. I know that there are things i could have done differently but I cant help but feel that her dysthymia has something to do with this. Does anyone have any idea how i could get out of this situation and make her feel good again? All i want to do is make her happy please help. Her isses with body image are not your responsibility to 'fix' She needs to be in therapy to work through her feelings of depression. Depression is very treatable. It worsens if it goes unchecked and untreated, usually. Things you can do are say; "Look, I'm fine with your body. But if YOU don't like how it looks, I'll go to the gym with you a couple of times per week." "I love you, but YOU need to take responsibility for how you view yourself and how you deal with these bad feelings you have about yourself. I can help you look into finding a therapist and I'll go with you to your first session." If you fall into the trap of taking 'responsibility' for her issues, you will end up taking the blame for all her moods and upset. Don't do it! My SO's ex-wife was a depressed woman with an eating disorder and unfortunately, he tried to do exactly that. He tried to be her knight in shining armor and she ended up being very abusive towards him. Do not get married until she demonstrates that she can adequately control these bad feelings she has about herself and is willing to do something positive about them
Recommended Posts