Lola Smith Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 About 12 years ago I met a man who we can call Goose. I was 18 and he was 26. Wow, a lifetime ago. At the time neither one of us was in the position to do anything about the other. I was young and he was coming out of a marriage. Despite our age difference, we developed a "chemistry" that I never experienced with another person. I always knew there was an underlying attraction to this man. I met him at work. On weekends we would bond over frisbee throwing sessions. I'd let him in on the crushes I used to have and accepted his advice. As the years passed despite us moving on to other relationships we'd see each other from time time. It was like a scene out of a movie. His eyes would light up to see me and I'd run over to give him the biggest hug ever. His best friend used to say that the angels were plotting against us and wondered why we never hooked up. Two years ago around this time I was running into a meeting and happened to bump into Goose in the lobby of the building after not seeing each other for a very long time. There was this long gasp coming from me totally suprised to see him because apparently he had left the company. It was great seeing him. I gave him my phone number to call me because I was rushing. By the time I got back to my office he left a message. We caught up, he was out of his long term relationship and I was coming out of my relationship with someone. As the months passed we both developed deeper feelings, him taking the lead. I was afraid to get hurt again and I kept in my mind the thing he said when we first realized that after speaking as often as we did we were developing feelings. He said to promise that this would go no further than friendship and that his ex girl was the love of his life. I am thinking 'Great I wouldn't have to face that uncomfortable feeling as long as I kept that in my head." Around my birthday that year he told me that he had fallen in love with me and that he wanted to show me how he felt about me by taking things slow. I wanted to but at the same time I was scared. I came out of a relationship feeling very insecure by the broken promises my ex boyfriend made. As the months passed he and I had long talks, walks and we met up a couple times. I also told him I was in therapy trying to deal with some issues I had from the past relationship and some family issues and to please give me time. I guess I must have misunderstood or misheard him. Granted we didn't not declare ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend, but the love was there on my part. We had some great times and the chemistry was even better. My lack of being able to move forward and being paralyzed by fear hurt this man. No matter how much I tried apologizing, writing him letters, calling him he had decided August 2005 he didn't want to continue with me anymore. That he had found someone else etc. On a Friday he admitted he still had feelings for me but was hurt then the following Tuesday he looked me in the face and said he didn't love me. For the past 9 months I have lived with doubts as to if his feelings were ever true. Maybe he really didn't love me? I dream about him from time to time. More recently the months of silence have ended since I have seen him regularly at the company we work for. We have started to say hi to one another. But that's it. I am leery to call him because he ended things and asked me to let him live his life. The friendship we once had seem no longer possible. I still have feelings for him but understand that I hurt him. Sometimes I feel angry that he did not take the time to understand me after all when I was telling him how my ex treated me he was the one to say, "If he truly loved you, he would....." Last October when he dropped off some of my personal belongings to my office, which I had asked him to mail yet he didn't, before he left he looked at me and told me to always remember I was the best there ever was. When the good was going or however that saying goes he always made me feel like #1. Like my ex I can honestly say used me. But where Goose is concerned although I am deeply hurt and disappointed in how he handled things, I say to myself that he is a good soul that was hurt and retracted back into his shell. When I tried begging him for a second chance he told me love was crap and that he is coward to it. I will never understand why he let things happen the way he did. Why he didn't give me the chance to show him or why he didn't take the time to understand me. Thanks for letting me get this out. I may never be able to tell him that I love him or say sorry or admit that I blew it, but it's there in my heart.
Tim'sAngel Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 Damn reading that was like watching a romantic chick flick! I got all into it!! You shoud write a screen play!! I can relate a little to the feelings you are feeling. I was seeing someone off and on for a year. We had a friends with benefits kind of relationship, but I always secretly had feelings for him, I just never admitted it to him. We started seeing each other less and less as time went on. I got pregnant and moved back home to another state. A few months after my son was born I get a phone call. It was him calling to check on us. From that day on his calls became more frequent and we finally admitted to having feelings for each other. He even offered me to come live with him. The relationship was short lived and I never did get a chance to see him again. We had an arguement over some serious personal issues which hurt me alot so I quit talking to him altogether. It took me a long time to get over him. I am now in a very loving and healthy relationship, but before I had my SO I always wondered why he handled things the way he did and why he was so unfair to me and my situation. I still do in a way, I just don't let it bother me anymore. I can see why he was hurt that you wouldn't let the relationship progress, albeit he didn't handle it very well. It seems like when you met up the second time around you were both in at the wrong time to try to start a relationship. Right person, wrong time syndrome. Its hard to say if the heart can mend after having a past like you both had together. Is he currently in a relationship? Do you notice him looking at you with the same expression now that he did before? Do you still feel that chemistry when you walk past him or are near him?
Author Lola Smith Posted July 3, 2006 Author Posted July 3, 2006 Thanks! the funny thing is that he writes screen plays. I have started writing about it and now that I can't express my feelings, I guess writing about it will help. I am not sure if he is in a relationship. I only go by what he told me so many months ago that he found someone else when he told he didn't want to talk to me anymore. As for him looking at me the same way I am afraid I am too scared to look that deeply to tell. In my head I say no because I need to move on since he has. It's usually a quick hi and bye when we see each other. About two weeks ago I gathered my courage to ask him how was he was doing. It was different in the sense that he asked me back how I was doing, my family etc. Before he didn't want to talk, he said it was too soon. It was a 5 minute conversation 2 weeks ago. I also figure if he cared enough about the friendship he would've tried explaining things. But he never did. I believe he is afraid that talking to me will be misinterpreted as something else. Lately, I have been down about this situation but I say to myself-yet again, that if he was interested in me, he knows where I am. I read an email from time to time where he said that he will always love me, etc. Don't get me wrong, I know people make mistakes but if he truly felt the way he did then he would have taken the time to understand me. Again he is probably one of those people who are so hurt that they cut their arms off and keep on walking. Wherever he is, whatever he is doing I hope he is happy. I'll always love him no matter what. I will always think of him as the good soul he is. As I said with my ex I knew he was underhanded etc. However Goose always treated me well. He listened to me day in and day out. As sad as this sound I can say for one tiny moment I knew what it felt like to be completely adored by this man. As far as chemistry goes, I still feel it for him but I guess it's gone for him. I'd do anything to go back in time and fix it. Putting aside the romance, the 10+ years of friendship I experienced with him I will never be able to replicate that with anyone, not even my closest girlfriend.
BareGoddess Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 I can almost feel your pain and sadness. I'm so sorry you're going through this. But I have to ask...you're not giving us the whole picture. What is is that he will not forgive you for? Do you feel like telling us? And why can't you express your sorrow to him...either in a letter or in person? Isn't he worth that to you?
Author Lola Smith Posted July 3, 2006 Author Posted July 3, 2006 He broke things off with me because I took too long to "get my act together". I came out of a mistrustful relationship with an ex and he was aware of this. I was in therapy for this and some family issues. He knew what my issues were. I told him I needed to repair my self image so that I could be the best to him. However he was mad that being with him was not enough to make me happy. Despite me asking for time I took too long. One day, August of last year, he asked me to go away with him when he got his new car. I said sure we can talk about it. A couple days later when I called him to say my daily hello he said "I don't think we should talk anymore". He never explained the full details to me other than "I met someone else, it ain't about love, I am coward to that. You hurt me. This thing I have with this other girl isn't about love, we just go out" He even told me it wasn't my fault that I took too long, it was his. That he made the mistake of giving his "power" over to me by falling in love with me. I have showed up in person, called him for weeks, wrote him countless emails, letters(had them expressed to him), even a letter of sorrow to his mom(yeah I know- this was pulling out all the stops). What did he say to me? "Please let me live my life". One time he told me to F"ing leave him alone. He has not responded to any of my emails, letters or text messages. So I gave up. Now when I see him it's a brief hello because we work for the same company. For me to continue to "diss" him would go against the many years of friendship I had with him. In my heart I can never be mean to him. I am beginning to get better at accepting there is no future for us. Does it make me happy? No, but that's why I have folks like yourself to hear me vent, lol. Some days are good and some days like yesterday and today are bad. The real truth of it is that he got "spooked" when I got "better" with therapy. I was now in control of my feelings-with myself, family etc. I wasn't the hurt girl that came out of a bad relationship or was hurt by the things my family did to me, not the girl that needed rescuing 24/7 only sometimes. I chalk it up to him being deeply hurt by some girl in the past that he doesn't allow himself to become emotionally intimate with someone. He once said love is always good there are never bumps.
BareGoddess Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 Well that certainly puts a different spin on this. I thought it was your fault because of the way you were talking. It's HIM. He's emotionally immature and unavailable. I've had male friends that I loved as friends but who would have made the WORST boyfriends. He sounds like one of those. It's a shame you got involved and now lost the friendship to boot. Perhaps in time you can be friends again but I wouldn't pursue anything more with someone like this. If he REALLY loved you, he would have waited around and supported you while you were going through your healing. I mean you were actively helping yourself and not just sitting around doing nothing. Count your blessings that it's over. All relationships have bumps in the road and if it is his style to flee every time there is one, then you don't need someone like that. You want someone who will stand by you through thick and thin. THAT'S what a REAL friend does. Sounds to me like you can do better. Mourn your loss and move on to greener pastures. We're all here for you for the sad and lonely times though.
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