miracgirl Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 I am in a very unusual situation. I am in my mid-thirties and believe it or not I have only had sex one time in my life seven years ago and it was extremely painful physically. I have never had a long term relationship, and was never one to engage in a one night stand. Contrary to what you might think, I am not anti-social. I have lots of friends and am very personable and attractive. I am a little overweight so over the years I would be self conscious about going to a bar or club to meet someone and that i guess prevented me from meeting anyone. Most of that was really in my head, and i can see that now when I look back, but enough of that, or this post will go on forever. My big problem is this. I finally met someone i really like and we have had four casual dates. I say casual because I see him once a week and we have no committment. He is pushing for sex, which, I would think at my age it's about time, i have waited long enough. We attempted it but the pain was so horrid that we had to stop. My question is this: what do I tell him? I told him that it's just been a while for me and so i'm tight (not to be too graphic, sorry) but i don't know if that's going to be enough of an explanation. If i tell him the truth, he may think i'm some sort of social outcast, which i'm not.. i dont want to tell him i didn't go out because of my weight..i dont want to make my weight an issue..please dont give me the advise that if he likes me it should't matter that i'm a social outcast or whatever because i met him online and there's so much competition out there, he could easily move on so quickly. who would want to date a creep? if you could help me construct something so that it sounds less weird?? thanks so much!!
allina Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 You have never seen a gynecologist about this? I think that your health may be more important than what he will think. I would just tell him you aren't ready to go all the way yet, and figure out the problem asap.
alphamale Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 I told him that it's just been a while for me and so i'm tight (not to be too graphic, sorry) but i don't know if that's going to be enough of an explanation. go and see ob-gyn. you may have vaginismus. an ex-g/f of mine had it. he may think i'm some sort of social outcast, sorry but we already have an outcast on LS
Becoming Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 Seriously, the reason why it may hurt so bad may be a medical problem. Or it may be that there wasn't enough foreplay so that you were naturally lubricated and expanded, ready to accept him. But if you had plenty of foreplay and were eager and it was so painful he had to stop, it sounds like there could be something wrong that you need to see a dr. about. It's not uncommon for the first time to be less than thrilling. Sex is a whole lot of a mind game, so maybe your mind is trying to tell you you're not ready emotionally. . . . ??? At any rate, schedule an ObGyn appt. ASAP.
BenefitOfTheDoubt Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 Take two! I don't know. While it's possible that this is something you need to see a gyno about, I tend to think that it's more likely that you just had a physiological reaction to your stress over having sex again. What happens when you masturbate? (And if you are not currently masturbating, I'd definitely recommend getting to know yourself a little better. Perhaps if you got a little more accustomed to the sensation of having something inside you on your own and at your own pace, you might be a little more able to let go a bit when you're with someone else.) As for what to say to the guy, I agree that there's no need whatsoever to go into the details. Certainly if it is some kind of medical condition, you'll need to say something to him. But in the more likely case that it was just a stress reaction of some kind, I'd just let him know that while perhaps your head was saying yes, your body is saying no, and you need a little more time. This happened to me once, and the guy was totally understanding. Best of luck to you!
Author miracgirl Posted July 3, 2006 Author Posted July 3, 2006 thanks so much for your replies! I have seen a doctor about this and he said there is nothing physically wrong, but that was a couple of years ago. I guess the emotional issue of this is that I don't feel right about having sex without being exclusive, but I don't want to push things with him and i don't want him to be exclusive with me just for sex. I asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else and he said of course not. I don't believe that is the source of the pain, but it's probably not helping me relax either.. Does anyone have any ideas how i can approach the topic of exclusivity without pressuring him??
alphamale Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 Does anyone have any ideas how i can approach the topic of exclusivity without pressuring him?? nope...not after only four "casual" dates.
SoleMate Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 I don't feel right about having sex without being exclusive... OK, makes sense to me. ...but I don't want to push things with him... OK, fine. Let's make it a two way street. He should not "push" for sex anymore than you should "push" for exclusivity. You should both work this out and agree on something that makes sense for both of you. That deal probably will involve both sex and exclusivity. ...and i don't want him to be exclusive with me just for sex. This one took me a while to parse. Are you saying you would only want exclusivity from him if it were motivated by other reasons than desiring sex with you? This one may cause you trouble. Please be aware that sexual needs and emotional needs are equally important. For men, sex typically IS an emotional need. Please don't downgrade its importance to him. Many man/woman relationships, including long-lasting, healthy, mutually satisfying ones, are founded on the desires by each party to have their needs met, and to meet their partner's needs as well. If you had to break up every love affair or marriage where the male's sexual desires were a major factor in motivating and sustaining the connection, there would be a lot of single people in this world. The thing that worries me is your potential vulnerability. I am afraid you may be tempted to glom on to the first man you have real sex with, regardless of whether he is really a good person for you to have a longer term r/s with. For your first major attempt(s) at sex, I recommend one of the following: * A man whom you love deeply and want to spend your life with, and vice versa, OR * A man who you can count on to be a caring and capable lover and "sex coach", but for whom you DON'T have strong feelings, so you two can easily say goodbye if/when that becomes necessary Good luck, please keep posting.
Author miracgirl Posted July 3, 2006 Author Posted July 3, 2006 okay, sole, thank you, now I understand that better, it's okay to become exclusive for sex. I guess I just feel that I am old enough to do it already. Remember, I am in my mid thirties. It's embarrassing enough as it is. It's too early to approach the topic of being exclusive. I met him online and i still see him logged in, so apparently he's still dating others. I guess i could say that once i start sleeping with someone, I can't continue to date others, so we need to decide if we reached that stage yet?? or something like that? what do you guys think??
Buttaflyy Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 Have you actually gone all the way?? It hurts like hell for every woman the first time. And being that the next time was so long after, maybe you need to do it a few times before your comfortable. I remember thinking my first time "why the hell do people ever do this again??" I thought sex was sooo over rated and painful!
Blackfrost Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 Don't have penetration sex with him the first few times, tell him you want to warm up to that level of intimacy, and feel a bit more commited with him. Foreplay sex can be just as much fun (I happen to like it more ) if not even more fun. I'm pretty sure that after a few encounters of foreplay sex (with maybe ocassional finger penetration when it gets hot) you will easily lighten up to the standard penetrations sex, in fact, you'll probably be screaming for him to jump on you
SoleMate Posted July 4, 2006 Posted July 4, 2006 It's too early to approach the topic of being exclusive. I would suggest that the exclusive talk should come BEFORE the sex part. I guess I just feel that I am old enough to do it already...It's embarrassing enough as it is... I would recommend taking a look at The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns and using its ideas to examine your beliefs about sexuality. Your embarrassment isn't necessary or inevitable. Also, as far as penetration goes, have you tried experimenting with a mechanical substitute? A well-lubricated vibe should be an easy way to get yourself more ready. You can try relaxation techniques. Buy a couple of sizes and work from smaller to larger. And don't bother feeling odd in the sex toys store, it's just a job to them. If the doctor said you're physically normal, then penetration should NOT cause excruciating pain. Maybe mild pain/discomfort, like muscle strain. The extreme pain you are feeling suggests that there are psychological factors - probably mostly nervousness. Sex works best when you are very relaxed. I think your doctor could help more than he/she is doing. Can you talk to your doctor frankly, and ask about relaxation techniques, lubrication, maybe even a mild anti-anxiety medication?
Becoming Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 It sounds like you may be "shoulding" on yourself to the point where you're tied up in knots about this---i.e. "I'm 34; I should've had good sex by now." and "I should wait until I'm in an exclusive relationship." Know what it is you want and honor that--regardless of what anyone else says you should do. Do what's right for you and your values. It's ok. And if the other person can't honor that, you don't want them in your life.
Author miracgirl Posted July 6, 2006 Author Posted July 6, 2006 thanks, you guys, for all of your advice!
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