babyblues Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 I know everyone's heard this one before, but I am really hurting and need some guidance. I was dating a man for 3 years; I am 43 and he is 41; I was married and have an 18 year old, he is still a bachelor. We began as a casual relationship. A year into it he broke up with me and said you are getting to close, to involved with me. He came back 2 weeks later. Things got better, we got closer, but things didn't seem right; there was very little affection. Now, he is a bodybuilder, so he is a bit narcissitic and selfish, however, he displays undying love and affection to his 2 dogs (which I get jealous of - I know that sounds weird and insecure, I've never seen a man gush over animals like this before). We went into the next year. I was preparing to have major surgery and found out I was pregnant, he didn't want any children and since the surgery I was having was a partial hysterectomy, I made my choice based on his response. I have regretted it ever since. He broke up wih me, said he had a serious reality check and this isn't what he wants. He came back 1 month later. We went another year and split up again, same thing, now this year he has told me, I care very deeply for you, you've done nothing wrong, in fact you did everything right, but at the end of the day when I ask myself do I love her, is this what I want, the answer is no. I don't love you and I don't want to get married; its time for me to start a new chapter in my life. He once told me that he put all of his emotions away except those that required him to be the best bodybuilder/trainer. Now, I feel that he is either afraid of his feelings, or afraid he will miss out on something if he commits. I don't know....all I do know is that I love him and had hopes of taking this relationship to the next level. He still calls, we talk, he says he wants to be friends (I can't) says he hurts to but he's taking it one day at a time.... Please give me your feedback. Am I just being stupid and stubborn - I'm really at a loss and i do feel deep in my heart he loves me but he's afraid.
SoleMate Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 I wouldn't call you stupid or stubborn. I also would NOT overthink this one. If he says that he doesn't love you, has "put all his emotions away", and is "starting a new chapter in his life", AND his actions (withdrawal) back that up, I think you should take him at face value. Please consider whether he may be using steroids or other medications that are affecting his thinking. I understand that you deeply love this man. That came through in your post. So a time of grieving is inevitable. I would recommend going right through the pain, not hiding from it. When that is over, there are plenty of good single men out there.
Author babyblues Posted July 3, 2006 Author Posted July 3, 2006 Thank you for your response; I appreciate it. He isn't doing drugs (steroids) and I have been experiencing pain to no end; I've lost 8 lbs and work has suffered, and so on. Its just hard to accept after he's told me so many times how much he enjoys "us" and being together.
spinnelli Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 I wouldn't make excuses for him, that is the worst thing you can do to yourself. Trying to figure out what he means or if he's just going through a tough time and he will eventually come around. Don't do that to yourself, you are prolonging the pain. He says you are not it for him, take his word for it and move on. I'm sorry, it hurts when the people we see as our soulmates don't quite feel the same way about us but that is just the reality of life, these things happen. I'm going through something like you are, except in my case, his words say all the right things but his actions say opposite. You know what keeps me hopeful? That man that I WILL eventually meet, the one that will look at me and know that I'm the one, come hell or high water. The one that will want to walk through life with me with me without the slightest hesitation. He's out there, I know that and I will find him, in the meantime we have pay our dues with guys like these that jerk us around. So keep your chin up ok. This too shall pass
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