Should I stay or should I go... and my history of stress due to feeling insecure (?)

[brightrose]

Hello. Hmmm… how to organize this into a clear manner. I will try my best!!! Please bear with me...

 

I have reached a point in my current relationship of obvious confusion. Let me try to give an overview: we've been together for about 5 months (my longest ever being 1 year and that guy cheated on me-- I am 25 now) and I feel the strongest connection w/ this guy compared to ANY in my past (and he has said the same about me!) and I have GREAT difficulty finding guys that I connect with. He was so into me at first and made me feel like "this was the way relationships are supposed to be" (as I have NEVER quite experienced before). Since then, things have happened that are somewhat out of his control, causing stressors on him financially, etc. and things he used to do have declined (i.e., taking me out to dinner, giving me small but very thoughtful "gifts"...) though I feel he still does love me but might have the ability to put on a “mask” to his true feelings. I'm not quite sure where things seemed to really go haywire. I do love him and he says he loves me. This is one thing I do know about myself and I'm afraid it might become the downfall of our relationship: I must have some insecurity issues b/c I have experienced things such as: worrying about where the other person is, who they are with, when they will call me, if they're being unfaithful, etc. I like to trust my gut feelings and I'm not sure if I've been ignoring them from this guy, but I have had gut feelings that he might really be able to lie and cover things up well... Sometimes things just don't "jive."… though I wonder if ALL MEN might give me negative “gut feelings”—that’s why I have been following my heart more so than my head in this relationship. What has brought me to posting on here is what I ended up doing today: reading his email w/o his permission (I feel this is a very BAD thing-- that I have done it and whatever has drawn me to do so. I can’t believe I found myself doing such a thing… how this would show him my lack of trust for him!). He left my house without signing out of his account and I am too curious not to take advantage of this, so, I read his email (this is only his secondary email, I have not read from his main email). I did not find anything obvious to any clear infidelities or awful behaviors, it’s just subtleties that raise a sort of “red flag” to me, such as: his use of profanity in emails w/ male friends that he does not use around me and says he’s “against,” another one from BEFORE we were together mentioning nude pics of that girl calling her “the sexiest” (which was not his ex-girlfriend), commenting how awfully drunk he was when writing the email (in several messages) which he never comments to me about since he knows I would not like it but just the fact that he’s commenting he’s that drunk. Maybe I’m too much of a prude (in some ways, yes, others, no… not with someone I love) who might blow things out of proportion. The reason why all the stress I cause myself in this relationship has not caused me to end it is because I feel, with confidence, that I have the strongest connection w/ this man compared to any other I have been with prior. Another issue to mention is that we very recently are back together after a quasi-breakup for several weeks (in which HE did the breaking up); it SEEMED to stem from me getting angry at him for not calling when he says he will and him ultimately pushing me away, then breaking up with me on a day I got exceedingly upset (we have NEVER gotten violent and our “fights” I would say are quite rational, I would not say we “fight,” but instead “discuss.”). I have also always (when I’m really into the person I’m in a relationship with—there have been a few I’ve not been that into), been one to want to hear from the other person “constantly”,.. and believe me, I’m a busy person. I am aware of the how I SHOULD ideally relax and not do this, I’m not sure, I feel like I cannot control myself. I would NEVER cheat, and have been cheated on in the past, of which I think I might have almost pushed him to do so (over jealousy), I have learned from that relationship (YEARS AGO!) and am afraid that something is wrong with ME that might cause me more pain later on.

 

Also, another important issue here: I felt like I trusted him much better and felt more secure with him until I found out he DID cheat on his EXgirlfriend (he was honest about it when I confronted him), though I don’t know about his relationships before that one. He was with her for two years and he said he stopped loving her long before the breakup (makes me wonder about his ability to stay in love) but cheated on her in the beginning of the relationship. I have intense issues with infidelity and am afraid that he might just have those tendencies in him. But, if he is so in love with me and would never do that, the way I act could push him to cheat on me. Ugh! I think life has enough challenges already (i.e., starting a career, dealing with dying parents, paying the bills, etc.) that I find relationship drama ridiculous in my life.

 

ALSO, right before I found out about this, I realized he was more irresponsible with taking care of financial issues than I would have ever imagined. There are some things that go against my grain ethically, such as his forgetfulness that got him into financial trouble and his beliefs that smoking weed is ever o.k. (I’m totally against it but have learned to shrug this issue off for now—he’s not a “pot head” though does it sometimes). I know he likes to drink and has been known to binge. I like to drink, sometimes, but I feel like I AM in control, I’m not positive that he is.

 

I’m suspecting that there are issues on both our ends: my insecurities, his possibility of … having a personality disorder or just inability to be as responsible and productive in life that I project to be. I am looking for a long term relationship… but, I am more concerned with pursuing my career (which takes lots of time and energy) that I’m not sure if I should continue to pursue this current relationship and my fear that if I break up with him I’ll be loosing a “soul mate” (or something very special and not to let go). Oh, I’m so confused! HELP!!!

 

Thank you for those of you who have been able to read through all of this and my sincere apologies for its lack of organization. It’s hard to organize confusion.

 

THANKS FOR YOUR FEEDBACK/THOUGHTS/... and HELP!

[Walk]

I don't believe in "soulmates" I believe in someone who is willing to go above and beyond in making you happy and comfortable, knowing that you will do the same. In ALL aspects.

 

There is no perfect match, no destined to be together and if you aren't you'll be lonely forever. The only difference between someone you love, and someone who could be in your life forever, is the level of effort, the matching of values, and the intense belief in making your partner happy. When you BOTH have these in common... then you have the foundation for a future.

 

I think you're guy is trying very hard to make you happy, but he's fudged a things in the telling. I think he wants you to see him in the best possible light, and you're starting to uncover the real him now. Your choice at this point is can you accept him for the real him, or do you only want the guy you fell in love with. If you want the truth from him, then allow him the safety to tell you the truth. Or you can discover little bits and pieces here and there until you decide you can't accept him for who he is, or you can.

 

I don't think you fell in love with the man as a "whole". I think you fell in love with the projection of what he wanted to be for you, or who you wanted to see in him. I think you're honeymoon is up, and you two either fall in love with the "real" you's, or you part ways.

[brightrose]

Thank you so much for your response! It feels good to have thoughtful responses!!

 

 

"Love" is definitely not a simple thing, that's for sure!

 

I feel strange that I ever did read his emails, but, I wonder if it would be ABSOLUTELY the wrong thing to do to ask him questions about the emails, thus revealing what I have done (I'd feel like I'VE let him down!). I feel like it's a very odd thing to face and that the relationship might almost need to end if I've resulted to reading his emails. Is this strange? I talked w/ him tonight and I felt strange that I had been a little sneak to read his email (I'm not one to keep secrets, they tend to "eat away" at me) and that I'm doing damage by such actions.

[Walk]

I think instead of talking to him about reading his emails, you should attempt to figure out what is causing the lack of distrust. I kind of see it as trying to solve the symptom and not healing the problem. What's causing the distrust? His actions, words, combination of these? If you've noticed you've gotten more insecure since he told you about cheating on his ex, then talk to him about that. Try to do so without sounding accusing or attacking, but more in a curiousity type of way. As best you can at least.

 

It might help you in dealing with your past too, depending on how open he is on the subject.

 

I don't think I'd mention the emails... but I also wouldn't do that again. That's my personal thoughts, I've realized everyone feels different about that kind of thing.