Guest Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 Wow - I happened on this site by accident and I'm amazed that there is actually a section for people having affairs. I have been reading posts by OW with great interest. I am separated (just recently) and am involved with a MM. Like many others here neither of us was looking for this but met and over time grew to be very attracted to each other. There is chemistry there that I have not felt with anyone before. At first we decided it wasn't the right thing to do but over time it became pretty irrisistable. He has always been very upfront that he is not interested in leaving his wife. In fact he doesn't even have a typically "bad" marriage. I have fallen very hard for him. But somehow I don't seem to be in the pain that many people seem to be in. I admit that I wish he wasn't married. If I let myself think about him being home making love to his wife while I'm alone it would make me crazy. I don't think about it. I have always felt that some day I will meet someone single and move on. I'm pretty much at the start of this relationship. It has been primarily physical but now I really do feel quite an emotional attachment and am falling in love with him. He is softening also. Seeing the postings on here I wonder if some day I will be crying myself to sleep wishing he was with me or if there could truely be a happy ending. I don't want him to leave his wife. I think that would be a mistake. I hope he finds happiness because despite what he says I don't think he could possibly be truely happy if he's caught up in this. I want to raise my kids and enjoy my life and also enjoy the time I have with him. I care about him very deeply and love the time we have together. I am not opposed to finding someone for myself I just find it a bit difficult when I'm so fond of him. I guess I want to say thank you to everyone posting on here because I felt very alone with this. I can't talk to my friends because they are apalled. It's nice to know I'm not alone. And I want to ask - is there anyone out there in a relationship with a MM who is happy and enjoying their lives? Or does it always end in tears and jealousy?
Buttaflyy Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 I guess I want to say thank you to everyone posting on here because I felt very alone with this. I can't talk to my friends because they are apalled. It's nice to know I'm not alone. And I want to ask - is there anyone out there in a relationship with a MM who is happy and enjoying their lives? Or does it always end in tears and jealousy? Unfortunately, you are not the only person in a situation like this. Get out now, you ask if it always ends in tears. You've got to know that for someone it will! Now, if it matters to you who is the one that will be hurt makes all the difference. It could be his wife, or it could be you, but someone is bound to get hurt.
Sami_D Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 Hello guest. Some of us on this forum are OW or exOW, and can speak from experience, though of course each of our experiences differ. I was an OW, involved with a MM who did/does want to leave his M. We are now in NC (No Contact) until/unless he does so. That was a decision we came to jointly, because being together, with him Divorced, is what we want... if he never leaves now.. it will be over forever. Having said that, and that I couldn't envisage myself being happy in your situation, I know it IS possible, because I know people who are content in A situations. I wouldn't say that it is inevitable that there is heartache ahead for you, for him, or for his W. The vast majority of those in Affairs never venture anywhere near a forum such as this... they're too busy getting on with their lives, unmolested by a need to be judged and sermonised by a bunch of strangers. But... since you ask.. you say you're 'newly separated', and that begs the question... do you think there is a possiblity that you have become involved with a MM because he's a 'safe' place..? Someone who will NEVER EVER ask anything else of you than ... what you have now? I'm asking this because I know I'm not the only (ex) OW here who got involved with her MM at a time when she was feeling particularly commitment-phobic (in my case, after a REALLY bad Relationship)... That's not to say that my MM, or my involvement with him, was anything other than JUST FINE... but I am aware enough to know that I wasn't looking, in fact was actively NOT looking, for a man at that time... And I distinctly remember telling him... the fact you're married... makes you 'safe'. My story... well... I wouldn't have got involved with him at all if he was just another MM (not like they're hard to come by, are they..??)... he was he... But I did fall in love with him ( I knew I would.. .he was he ) . And... you might fall in love with your MM too. Anyway... hello, and... welcome to the boards... and... there ARE no easy answers, despite what some of your replies are bound to say.
RecordProducer Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 I'm pretty much at the start of this relationship.And you're pretty much still in the phase where you're excited by the fact that you're more interesting than his wife, that he chose you, that he likes you and sleeps with you. You feel like a bad girl and that pumps your adrenaline real hard. But you'll come to the point where you will feel like his second wife and will want to be the only one.
silktricks Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 Three people will get hurt, and one of them will be you. You say you don't want him to leave his wife, that it would be wrong, and that you think you'd like to move on "someday". Why don't you go ahead and make that "someday" today? That will reduce the pain for everyone in the long run. As long as you allow your attention to be captivated by this man, you will not find someone who is single and able to have a full true relationship with you. It's obvious that you are caught up in him right now, but if you get out of the relationship soon, before you do get hurt, that desire will fade.
RecordProducer Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 Three people will get hurt, and one of them will be you. It doesn't have to be three people. It can be one or two or three or more (children), but in any case, it will be the OW if she falls for him and doesn't get out of the affair now.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 Hi! I am in love with a MM. Like you, I want him to stay married. I want him to be happy with his wife. But that doesn't mean that I dont' feel pain. I do. I constantly think about him. I miss him. I wonder about how his wife is treating him... etc. When you are in love... there is very little control of what you can allow yourself to feel. I don't know if I'm making any sense right now.
Guest Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 Hi! I am in love with a MM. Like you, I want him to stay married. I want him to be happy with his wife. But that doesn't mean that I dont' feel pain. I do. I constantly think about him. I miss him. I wonder about how his wife is treating him... etc. When you are in love... there is very little control of what you can allow yourself to feel. I don't know if I'm making any sense right now. Perfect sense! KHLF...guess who *wink*
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 Perfect sense! KHLF...guess who *wink* huh??
bunset Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 Hi! I am in love with a MM. Like you, I want him to stay married. I want him to be happy with his wife. But that doesn't mean that I dont' feel pain. I do. I constantly think about him. I miss him. I wonder about how his wife is treating him... etc. When you are in love... there is very little control of what you can allow yourself to feel. I don't know if I'm making any sense right now. I know this very well... but I'm still strugging at times with "want him to stay married". I flip-flop on that, sometimes more than once a day. I do really want him to be happy. I knew someone would get hurt when we started... wasn't sure it would be everyone, though.... nor how long the pain would last, still don't. But I'm much better at knowing what makes me happy now.
Buttaflyy Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 I know this very well... but I'm still strugging at times with "want him to stay married". I flip-flop on that, sometimes more than once a day. I do really want him to be happy. I knew someone would get hurt when we started... wasn't sure it would be everyone, though.... nor how long the pain would last, still don't. But I'm much better at knowing what makes me happy now. And it seems thats all that concerns you.
movinon05 Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 And it seems thats all that concerns you. I think bunset is trying to move on. We all have to find out what makes us happy after all, don't we? To the poster, I agree with silktricks. Why don't you make "someday" today. You're only looking at heartache and pain if you pursue this relationship with MM.
Buttaflyy Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 I think bunset is trying to move on. We all have to find out what makes us happy after all, don't we? To the poster, I agree with silktricks. Why don't you make "someday" today. You're only looking at heartache and pain if you pursue this relationship with MM. I didn't realise this was bunset. I thought it was the OP. Sorry Bunset. Thanks for pointing that out to me Movinon! The bottom line is that when you are only concerned for your own happiness, you will never really be happy anyway. Karma has a way of making sure of it. Someone will be hurt in a situation like this and you have to be concerned about other ppls. feelings as well as yours.
bunset Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 I didn't realise this was bunset. I thought it was the OP. Sorry Bunset. Thanks for pointing that out to me Movinon! The bottom line is that when you are only concerned for your own happiness, you will never really be happy anyway. Karma has a way of making sure of it. Someone will be hurt in a situation like this and you have to be concerned about other ppls. feelings as well as yours. It's OK Buttaflyy. I do care about others' feelings. That's one of the things that has kept me in a bad marriage for at least 6 years beyond it's shelf life. I haven't looked carefully at my own needs and have suffered. I haven't been modelling proper perspective for my pre-teen son. He's seeing that someone MUST sacrifice themselves for the 'good' of others. Problem is, once you've sacrificed yourself, there's nothing left to give, is there? I'm used up, and I cannot be the wife and mother they need, until I get on with taking care of myself. No, it doesn't require a NEW partner... it requires a new me. to get to the new me, I needed a situation to shock me out of my stupor. My A showed me that happiness (no matter how small a slice) can be found outside of my current 'world'. But it also teaches me that it doesn't take another person to keep me there, either.
Buttaflyy Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 It's OK Buttaflyy. I do care about others' feelings. That's one of the things that has kept me in a bad marriage for at least 6 years beyond it's shelf life. I haven't looked carefully at my own needs and have suffered. I haven't been modelling proper perspective for my pre-teen son. He's seeing that someone MUST sacrifice themselves for the 'good' of others. Problem is, once you've sacrificed yourself, there's nothing left to give, is there? I'm used up, and I cannot be the wife and mother they need, until I get on with taking care of myself. No, it doesn't require a NEW partner... it requires a new me. to get to the new me, I needed a situation to shock me out of my stupor. My A showed me that happiness (no matter how small a slice) can be found outside of my current 'world'. But it also teaches me that it doesn't take another person to keep me there, either. I wasn't directing that comment toward you about caring for others. It is a balance. You have to care for others without excluding yourself. If you really look into it, if you think about everyone in the equation then you know that an A is unhealthy for all parties. You, as the OW will never have the true love, devotion attention etc, that you deserve. The BS is being...well, betrayed and you as the OW participates in this deception and betrayal. The children on both ends are neglected somehow, and if they are witnessing or are aware of your behavior as the OW, they are missing important life lessons to say the least. I'm glad that you have found that you need to take care of yourself bunset! You're absolutely right that you are in control of your own happiness. And that there are so many things in this world that can give you the serenity that you desire. IMO a MM is NOT one of them. This will only cause heartache, pain, and frustration. Good luck to you!
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