samsungxoxo Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 Come on, you gotta be kidding girls, there is nothing worst than havings ex with someone else, that's so intimate, yuck. Ok so I'm a girl, but to me the actual sex act would be so disgusting, I would NEVER forgive such a thing like that. Come on, he's shared his body in the disguting sheets with another woman or lol (a man), plzzz, don't tell me you can possible think the sex was meaningless while the other type emotional affair was the worst that you can't get over it. How can you girls possible say sex can be meaningless, NO is not, if they had balls enough to do that, then it was significant. Can't understood how you can (well some of you girls) actually forgive that??? How about when you guys have to touch each other again, or have sex, or make out, or kiss, don't you feel like THROWING UP??? That would be dealbreaker right away.
Touche Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 Honestly, I agree with you. A lot of EA's are just fantasy in the person's mind. Sleeping with someone makes it more "real." I agree with you. I really don't understand how people say the EA is worse.
sugarplum Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 Personally I dont. But I know some men and women who do. Actually not worse, but just as bad as. My SO, included. If my SO were emotionally attached to another woman, he can have her. If my SO f*cked someone else he can still have her, but after I kick his a*s and cut the crotch out of all of his pants.
Blind Illusion Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 Nor do I. I find walking away from the emotional component of an affair a bit harder than walking away from the sexual one.
AManWithTroubles Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 Well, I"m a guy, who suspected my wife of an emotional affair. I never had to go through the physical affair situation, so I wouldn't know the difference, but here's the thing about the emotional affair... Being with my wife for ten years, we shared everything. We talked together, laughed together, shared stories together, watched movies together, everything. It was so much more than physical, it was a deep emotional and mental bond. She was my best friend, and I thought that I was hers. But when you find out that she actually prefers the company of another man over yours, it hurts, bad. You feel like talking to her isn't even good enough anymore. As if your stories will never match up to the new guy. Your jokes aren't as funny. It's like a competition, and it's hard to keep up, because you are who you are. You have no idea where to start, because you can't really change the way you interact with people overnight. So, I was thinking that wow, a physical affair would be so much easier, because it's just an act of lust. And lust can be very short lived. It could just be a passing moment, a drunk moment, anything. And you can easily work on your physical self, as a competition. I could begin to work out more, cut my hair differently, anything to be what she wants. But I don't know, maybe that hurts just as much, or worst. I hope I never find out.
Tim'sAngel Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 So, I was thinking that wow, a physical affair would be so much easier, because it's just an act of lust. And lust can be very short lived. It could just be a passing moment, a drunk moment, anything. And you can easily work on your physical self, as a competition. I could begin to work out more, cut my hair differently, anything to be what she wants. But I don't know, maybe that hurts just as much, or worst. I hope I never find out. I totally agree with this. I have never been cheated on (and hopefully will never be) so I can't speak with experience, but I have thought about it a few times, especially after readings posts on LS. Sex is sex. It is lust, desire to please one self, purely physical. I guess it depends on the extent of the EA, but I would much rather my SO just see some hott ass and wanna bang her for a night, than find out my SO is in love with or has deep emotional feelings for someone else. That would hurt like nothing else in this world. Either way I'd dump his ass, but sex would be much easier to deal with than knowing my SO loved another.
Trimmer Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 I'm with AMWT... I don't necessarily think that an EA is particularly WORSE than a PA, or that compared to an EA, a PA is somehow "easy" to deal with, but sex is one component of a many layered, complex relationship. To have a strictly physical affair, well, yeah, it still hurts like hell, but it potentially compromises a relatively compartmentalized part of the relationship. My emotional connection with my wife, though, was the foundation, the structure, the roots, the fabric woven through our entire relationship. Once she turned outside to someone else for that, to me, that just invalidated so much of the bond that I had with her. It told me that she had disconnected herself so completely from me... My wife had a PA about 10 years ago. When we started discussing our recent troubles, and that subject came up (in the context that we never really worked it out, we just moved on and ignored it mostly) she said that it had been "just a physical thing." That may be the way she had rearranged it in her head over the past decade, but I quietly reminded her that she had explained to me at the time that they had "fallen in love with each other." (direct quote.) Even in her own mind, the emotional aspect to the relationship had made it seem so much horrible that she had made it an easier memory to bear by eliminating the EA part of it, and actually emphasizing the "just physical" part of it to minimize the affair's importance. If you just hack or chop at a part of a tree (my metaphor for a "PA only"), it might possibly recover or start growing in a different way, depending on the damage. If you kill the roots (my metaphor for an EA or the emotional part of an EA/PA), not only do you choke off it's ability to live at the most fundamental level, but to add injury to insult, the damn thing will probably just fall right over, too. How about when you guys have to touch each other again, or have sex, or make out, or kiss, don't you feel like THROWING UP??? Actually, my wife had been with other men before me - that simple physical fact didn't make her somehow unclean, untouchable, or nauseating. The fact that she chose to be exclusively with me made it easy to get past that. And along those lines, it's the fact that she chose to break that exclusivity, to break those emotional ties, that I believe has caused me the most pain. I wonder if people feel differently about this depending on how long they have been in a relationship. Like if a PA happens within the first couple years together, if it's relatively more devastating because you're still in the sex-driven endorphin honeymoon period. But as a relationship goes longer and that dopamine rush levels off and the emotional ties get deeper and stronger, maybe an EA becomes more painful.... I don't know... I guess in the end, I wouldn't say that either one is "easier" than the other. They're both devastating...
silktricks Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 So, I was thinking that wow, a physical affair would be so much easier, because it's just an act of lust. And lust can be very short lived. It could just be a passing moment, a drunk moment, anything. In my opinion, a passing moment of lust would be much easier to deal with than a long-term (months to years) EA. The first only shares body fluids, the second shares the soul.
sugarplum Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 In my opinion, a passing moment of lust would be much easier to deal with than a long-term (months to years) EA. The first only shares body fluids, the second shares the soul. This is so true also. I am undecided on the subject I guess.
Outcast Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 My emotional connection with my wife, though, was the foundation, the structure, the roots, the fabric woven through our entire relationship. Exactly. I wonder if people feel differently about this depending on how long they have been in a relationship I think some people don't really understand - or have - emotional intimacy to any degree. I do think that some relationships are largely superficial. Remember, a lot of people avoid introspection and the kind of self-knowledge and self-revelation that creates deep emotional intimacy.
silktricks Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 I think some people don't really understand - or have - emotional intimacy to any degree. I do think that some relationships are largely superficial. Remember, a lot of people avoid introspection and the kind of self-knowledge and self-revelation that creates deep emotional intimacy. And, if you have had that deep intimacy and your partner removes him/herself (as I did) then you search to find the intimacy again. That can be the start of an EA, if the search goes outside of the marriage rather than attempting to repair the existing problems.
Nicholas Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 I don't understand the bit about being disgusted that he's been with someone else. I mean, I understand the violation of trust that comes with any type of affair, but if you're disgusted by the idea of him previously having sex with someone else, why is it okay that he's had sex with someone before you even got together?
Mz. Pixie Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 Some people can separate the two, I cannot. I think most affairs though, are not actually about sex- especially for women. They may end up having sex, but it's only a means to an end of getting what they want from the OM. I actually didn't enjoy the sex when I had an affair, what I wanted was the attention and affection and the flirting etc that I wasn't getting at home. Sure, some women cheat because of sex but I think it's probably more rare- that's JMO though and based on what I've read on the boards and in books.
Author samsungxoxo Posted April 3, 2009 Author Posted April 3, 2009 I don't understand the bit about being disgusted that he's been with someone else. I mean, I understand the violation of trust that comes with any type of affair, but if you're disgusted by the idea of him previously having sex with someone else, why is it okay that he's had sex with someone before you even got together? It's disgusting to still be in a relationship with your partner who shared his/her body along with private parts with someone else, thus completely violating your moments of privacy/intimacy with them. No no way I can ever handle that if my boyfriend did that. As for the number of partners way before he met me well that's different. I careless about his past relationships before me, I care from the time we were exclusive till now.
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 I'm not sure which would bother me more. I think the emotional just because as people have said, lust and desire for others will occur, but to feel things for that person, that they are your soulmate, your escape, your salvation etc, that is stealing something completely intangible and completely sacred. Even in lust, love for another person can survive, but when the love is given over to another, how is YOUR love any longer pure or unique or protected? A physical affair would still hurt a hell of a lot, I think that would probably more repulse or disgust me, whereas the emotional aspect would actually rip something out of me at a much deeper level.
Owl Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 It's disgusting to still be in a relationship with your partner who shared his/her body along with private parts with someone else, thus completely violating your moments of privacy/intimacy with them. No no way I can ever handle that if my boyfriend did that. As for the number of partners way before he met me well that's different. I careless about his past relationships before me, I care from the time we were exclusive till now. Why? There's no lesser "threat" from the bodily fluids that he exchanged before you met and ones exchanged now. With HIV and such that can lie dormant for years, the risk of an infection stemming from a partner is almost as high as if it were someone he were with now? Is the difference an emotional one, rather than concern about the infection risks? Not knocking you here...trying to understand your reasoning is all.
Snowflower Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 I'm not sure which would bother me more. I think the emotional just because as people have said, lust and desire for others will occur, but to feel things for that person, that they are your soulmate, your escape, your salvation etc, that is stealing something completely intangible and completely sacred. Even in lust, love for another person can survive, but when the love is given over to another, how is YOUR love any longer pure or unique or protected? A physical affair would still hurt a hell of a lot, I think that would probably more repulse or disgust me, whereas the emotional aspect would actually rip something out of me at a much deeper level. This was well said and I agree! In fact I had posted my own thread here about the same topic a few weeks ago-in the context of my own situation. As someone who has unfortunately had to be on the betrayed end of the affair--I feel like I(we) stand a chance of recovering from my H's "we were drunk" PA. It still hurts like h**** but it is better than an EA. But yes, I agree that if my H had given his affections to her, a part of his soul, or whatever--I would feel like our bond would be permanently tainted. I like what you said that "even in lust, love for another person can still survive." I also agree that there is often a difference between men and women in regards to PAs and EAs. Women, IMO since I am one are much more likely to have PA in the context of an EA whereas men can more easily have a PA without an EA. Of course, I'm generalizing a great deal. But even before my H's affair, I would have been able to say that men are much more easily able to separate the physical act of sex from any emotional involvement. Just my 2 cents!
angie2443 Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 I still don't understand the constant comparison between the two now, but I guess before I experienced the EA, I wouldh've said it a PA was worse. I don't think there are that many PA's without some kind of emotional component anyways. It's not like most of us walk down the street, look at an attractive person, and then have sex with them the same night. It takes some time to connect with the person before we're confortable enough to sleep with them. Therefore, an emotional connection has to be made for most of us to engage in a PA.
Author samsungxoxo Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Why? There's no lesser "threat" from the bodily fluids that he exchanged before you met and ones exchanged now. With HIV and such that can lie dormant for years, the risk of an infection stemming from a partner is almost as high as if it were someone he were with now? Is the difference an emotional one, rather than concern about the infection risks? Not knocking you here...trying to understand your reasoning is all. I guess I just value commitment and intimacy (in my view you can't share intimacy if you're in a commited relationship, that's something sacred only you and him can have else you're tainted, thus unexcusable). If you're with someone then they should only be intimate with you only. Thing is past sexual history (before they met you after) doesn't matter since it wasn't done on you therefore whatever happened before you met them didn't happened in your year, so it's not your burden to put up with, doesn't hurt you in any way. Now I find out he screw another woman while being with me then adios, I'm out, no explanations.
anne1707 Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 There is an argument within evolutionary terms for potential differnces in attitude towards affairs: - for a man, his primary aim is to ensure that his partner has his children (continuing his genetic pool, etc) so for him if a woman has a PA then a child she has may not be his - not good, especially if he unwittingly raises it as his own. - for a woman, her aim when having children is to have the long term support of her partner in raising those children (hunter/gatherer, now often main source of income). An EA poses more of a threat to the relationship as there is more chance of man leaving compared to a PA. I know that there is an argument that things are different now - women can support themselves, improved contraception, etc but when looking at this within the concept of evolution, you have to remember that the changes such as the independence of women have only really come about in the last few decades whereas men and women have been around a lot, lot longer than that.
mopar crazy Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 I have not read all replies but wanted to share my thoughts on it. My H had an EA and a PA w/ the xOW. The A has been over almost 6 years ago. Actually, it's been 6 years exactly that he left me for her. However, we have R since then. Anyhow, if I think of the A the emotional part doesn't bother me as much as the PA part of it. I don't why but it just does. The thought of him running his hands across her body, touching her, having sex w/ her disgusted me more than the EA part of it. It took me awhile to let him touch me again after he finally admitted they had sex. It took IC to help me overcome it.
Virgo1982 Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 I think the emotional affair is worse because you feel it more. If a man is using a woman for sex, his partner may never find out about it. If she does, it will be very clear to her what that woman meant to him. In addition, if a man fell in love with another woman, she would feel changes anyway. The emotional affair affects the primary relationship. How many times have you seen someone post about contemplating divorce? Then, after a long list of reasons, they finally get around to this coworker who's so different than the SO-or whoever the OP may be. Some call it love. Some call it fog. Whatever it is (depending on which lie makes you happy) the EA drains the relationship and a PA is a supplement for a man who uses another woman to release stress. But, a P&E A means that person has temporarily-or permanently-checked out. Without placing blame, resentment has reached such a high level that they could care less how you feel-until you react...
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