He wants less sex/ what does a crush mean?

[cantus]

::Sigh:: Where do I begin?

I am a 19 year old college junior. Two years ago I met my current boyfriend Seth, who is 25, and whom I have lived with for the past year. It's hard to convey our bond, except to say that he is like a male version of me. Our minds work in the same ways and think about things in the same way. I'm sure for other people it's great to be with a partner who is different from them, but for us, we definitely enjoy being similar. We are both very easygoing, we don't fight (we've had a few hard discussions, but no yelling, name calling, etc. EVER). He is a wonderful man, and everyone in my very close family loves him and considers him a member (my father actually introduced us).

Another piece of background information that I will discuss in more detail later, but he is my first serious boyfriend. I casually dated a few guys (one more serious guy, who I still love mostly as a friend) and had had (pretty good) sex twice (as in only two times) before I met Seth.

The first problem is related to our ages, although not in the way that first comes to mind. I don't know how to say this without sounding arrogant, but I am a very mature 19 year old (in most ways). I am what my mother calls an old soul; all my life I have been around people older than I, I'm very independent, and I have a strong sense of self. I think our problem is really a matter of different sexual preferences because of our ages. For the first 8 months we were together, it was amazing. We only got to see each other once or twice every two weeks, and it was explosive when we were together. We completely connected on every level- emotional, intellectual, sexual, etc. Then we moved in together.

I love living with him and everything else is almost the same, and I know that it is only natural for the crazy-sex to subside, but it's been very, very hard for me to deal with. I am only 19, and I don't know if I'm ready for the twice a week, missionary thing. That's a bit of an exaggeration, but not by much. I also feel that I am always the one who initiates things. Seth and I have talked about this, but he has gotten very defensive and it's basically come down to the fact that I can't make him want to have sex more or be more... adventerous. It's also as if he has forgotten about the importance of the little things, like how good a serious make out session can be instead of rushing into sex, or how nice it was to sneakily touch each other in semi-public places, etc. I try to do random things like that to keep things interesting, but it's like the effort and meaning are totally lost on him now. I don't need him to need me, but I do need him to want me, and I just don't feel that that much from him anymore.

Enter David, the first serious crush I've had since we've been together. We met through school/work contacts. He is an incredibly warm and genuine person with a great sense of humor, and he also works in my field of study which also attracts me to him. Not to go into too much detail (because nothing technically did happen), but I had an incredibly erotic and sensual experience (might as well say it- a massage) with him a few days ago, and I feel that he is also attracted to me. After a few days, it feels a little silly, but if I really put myself back there I still feel incredibly turned on. I realize that one reason it was so powerful was because it was so new, but I also feel that I reacted very strongly, and not just for that sole reason. It seemed to remind me that I can be strongly desired by someone, so much that simply touching non-sexual parts of my body can be a tremendous turn-on.

(On a side note, I feel that way about Seth, but as mentioned before it seems as though those subtler aspects of our relationship have fallen by the wayside. It's become easy to get into a routine, and when I try and describe these things to him he gets defensive, and I feel slightly ridiculous and nitpicky).

That incidence also reminded me of how little I have experienced in my life. I was rather a late bloomer when it came to guys (obviously), and Seth came along right when I was realizing myself as a sexual being and connecting with men on that level. I don't know if I can handle him being the last person I ever have sex with, although eventually that is what I want. I feel very strongly that Seth is 'the one.' The one that I want to have children with, the one that I want to build a house with, the one that I want to grow old with...but I'm not sure if I'm ready for him right now. I used to feel so lucky that I found the love of my life when I was so young, but lately I've found myself thinking about the flipside of the situation more and more. To be brutally honest, I have thought about the idea of cheating on him and satisfying my needs and not having to tell him that I need space, but I don't think I could do that. We have never actually discussed any barriers of our relationship, because it seemed crazy due to how close we are.

I also have also had a brief taste of what it's like to love Seth and not be with him, right after we first met. We spent two weeks taking a course together, and I knew at the end of those two weeks that I was in love with him and I told him that. At the time, he had a girlfriend of a year back home and we decided to just be friends. Obviously, the girlfriend didn't last that much longer, but it was a horrible two months for me. I know that our relationship has changed since then, but I still can't imagine him being gone from my life forever.

This whole situation might be resolved naturally within the next year, as we will be probably be going to two different graduate schools, and that might be a better time to bring up the possibility of going on a break. It's just so incredibly hard for me to imagine saying those words to him, even if I want to sometimes, because I know how strongly he feels about me. He is at the point in his life where he's gone through bad relationships, he's been cheated on by other girlfriends (although he is the absolute opposite of jealous), and he is ready for me.

Any advice or comments?? Am I just wanting something impossible and I should be thankful for what I have? I also believe though, that if Seth were unhappy being with me then he should break it off. One last point: Seth and I have signed a lease with another person to live together next year, so that's pretty much non-negotiable. Anything would be welcome, on any or all of these topics or any other insights.

--Cantus

[ashnicole]

Most people aren't that lucky to find someone that they care about so much, that they want to be with forever, etc. That's why the divorce rates are so high. If this is someone that you can honestly say that you want to be with for the rest of your life - stick with it. He loves you, obviously. I think if you cheated on him, or took a "break" and it ended up not working out, you'd probably kick yourself for being so selfish to your sexual needs. You're young, and if you're really wanting to be with someone else, I almost want to say that you don't really love him the way that a wife should love a husband, and in that case... you may want to re-evaluate your relationship with him.