Theck Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 This is probably going to be long, but anyway. I really didn’t know what forum to put this in, as there’s a bit of everything in it. Alright, some background. First of all, I’m 23, and everything I’ve tried with girls in the past has been a disaster. I’ve never had a girlfriend, and I’m a bit of a wreck when it comes to girls. So yeah, laugh all you want, but I’m trying to do something about it Anyway. About 2 months ago I got to know this girl on a forum. Since then, we’ve been talking on MSN just about every night, for about 5 hours at a time some days. I’ve never known anyone even remotely as nice as her. We get on so well, finish each others sentences, have the same sense of humour (first girl with my sense of humour), we have similar interests and we get on so well it’s a bit scary. She’s easily the nicest girl I’ve ever known – and she’s sent me pics, and she’s utterly stunning. I’ve dropped gentle hints that I like her, but I haven’t gotten anything back that I could take as a hint that she likes me. My fear here is that I’m on her Friends Only list, and that if I pull a stunt she’ll not be in the slightest bit interested, and really freaked out. However she has described me as ‘one of the coolest and funniest guys (she’s) ever met’. If we finish each others sentences or agree on something, we both act scared, I don’t know why, or whether that can be read into at all. Now I know my way around computers and the Internet and I do know for a fact that she is genuine, she’s not a 45 year old man in disguise for example. I wont go into details of how I know or this post will be mad long, but others on the forums know her personally and she is who she says she is. No problems there. So yeah, we get on so well it’s scary. I really like this girl, but of course nothing can be simple. She lives in Belgium, me in the UK. I’ve toyed with the idea of going over and seeing her, but that’s where the problem comes in. She has mentioned (quite a bit) that she has a potential-boyfriend. They haven’t dated yet, but she clearly really likes this guy. What’s going to happen, I don’t know, but my gut instinct is that they’ll get together. She’s been single for three years, so it’s a big deal for her. That’s another thing we have in common, long term single, albeit me a lot longer than her. So this is the first problem. Since I’m going through a (viscous) house-move here, I can’t realistically drop everything and go over to see her. We’ve been mooting over meeting up for quite a while, but the last few days we’ve really been talking about what we’d do if we met up. We decided what we’d do, where we’d go and decided that we really wanted to see each other sometime. I erred on the side of caution and asked would it be a good idea for me to go over if she was going out with this potential-boyfriend, she said it shouldn’t effect whether I come over or not, that he would just have to be mature about it. But it did seem pretty clear to me that she’d like to meet. Therein lies the problem. Lots of people would just say sod it and go see her, but I don’t know. I really like this girl and if I went over there and met her I have a very VERY strong feeling I will fall head over heels in love with her. In my state of being 23 and never having had a girlfriend, that will completely devastate me. I’ve lost a lot of sleep already worrying about her potential boyfriend, I’ve never felt anything close to this much attraction for a girl, and I don’t want to be destroyed by going over there if she’s with someone already. It would probably kill me. So what would you do in this situation? Her birthday is coming up soon, I’ve sent her a box of chocolates. Since I don’t have her address, I’ve done some trickery (long story) but I still can’t guarantee she’ll actually get them. My fear is she’ll get with this potential-boyfriend on her birthday, but that’s just a theory of mine. Has anyone any advice or ideas on this? It has been suggested that I find a girl here, but I’ve been looking through my list of contacts recently and have been turned down pretty roughly 3 times in 2 weeks. But I don’t really care about any of them, I just have this girl on my mind the whole time. And due to a house-move and a load of other factors, I don’t know of any other potential-girlfriends here. I’m lost in that department for the near/medium future. I dunno, I really like this girl. REALLY like her. I’m hoping with every fibre of my being that this potential-boyfriend falls through, then things will be much more simple. Like I said, if I go over there I need a reasonable chance of success (ie: Her not being with someone), cos I’m gonna fall for her for 95% sure. Anyone? What would you do in this mess of a situation? Give up? Hide in a cupboard? Miracle solutions please. Thanks.
superconductor Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 She has mentioned (quite a bit) that she has a potential-boyfriend. From this quote, it seems pretty clear that she's already friend-zoned you. Either that, or she's playing some sort of "chase me" game. Sorry, dude, but I think you're sunk.
Author Theck Posted July 1, 2006 Author Posted July 1, 2006 Damn thats something I forgot to mention. She has said to me that she doesnt believe in one night stands, and she also only goes out with people she's been friends with. She never rushes into things without knowing the person well first. How true that is I dont know, but she seems to have pretty high standards.
Buttaflyy Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 I agree that she sees you as a friend. But, that's the basis of a good relationship. However, you are way ahead of yourself here. You should not put all of your eggs in one basket. Meet people outside of these forums! You just moved somewhere, get to know your neighbors, hang out with people, guys and girls, and have fun. I think, because you don't socialize enough, you are dependent on this one girl. It sounds like you're not giving anyone else a chance. Yeah, you two have great chemistry, but she's interested in someone else. Tell her exactly how you feel. Give her the benefit of doubt. If she says she wants to be just friends, you must accept this. IMO you should not visit her unless she knows exactly where you stand. You'd be setting yourself up for heartache. No matter what...you have a friend. But either way you need to meet other people. I think that you're "in love" with an image. You have no real way of pursuing a relationship with this girl being that you guys live so far apart. But there are plenty of fish in the sea BTW, it's no big deal that you are 23 and haven't had a girlfriend. This just factors in the way that you handle yourself. You are inexperienced in dating and that's ok. You have to get out there to change that if you ever want a relationship.
superconductor Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 I agree that she sees you as a friend. But, that's the basis of a good relationship. Sure, as long as your relationship has no expectations of intimacy. Being stuck in the friend zone is a no-win situation. If she sees you as a friend, you're essentially a eunuch. You're there to support her, for her to cry on your shoulder when her other relationships go sour, to listen to her and all the rest... but don't dare make any kind of move towards intimacy to her, because that will "ruin the friendship," at least in her mind. She's telling you that she only goes out with friends because it's a filter that she's using to screen out the fellows who are just interested in scrambling into her panties. Once in the friend zone, there is seldom any way out. Houdini himself would have a difficult time disentangling those emotional shackles. But on one thing, Buttafly is exactly right: Get out and socialize. Meet new people, make new friends, expand your circle of social contacts. Focusing on this one girl puts her in a position of power over you (which, of course, is exactly what she wants, which is why she mentioned that she only goes out with friends and doesn't do ONS). Good luck.
Outcast Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 No guts, no glory. She hasn't met you so knows nothing about how she'd feel about you in person. Nor you her. You might meet and she fall for you like a ton of bricks and you discover you're indifferent. Go and see her. The only way you'll both know how you want to proceed is if you spend time in each other's presence. Forget second-guessing her or what may happen. Belgium's not that far away. It's not like you have to go to China or anything, for Pete's sake. she also only goes out with people she's been friends with. She never rushes into things without knowing the person well first. There you go. So don't shrink back and imagine obstacles that may never exist. Man up and go see the lady. The sooner the better.
Author Theck Posted July 3, 2006 Author Posted July 3, 2006 Yeah. My plan now is to find out whats happening with the potential-boyfriend. If they start going out I'm not visiting, it would break my heart. If they dont work out, I'm going over there. But in any case I'll let her know how I feel. Better to have it out there than be in limbo the whole time.
Guest Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 Just a word of caution. My friend actually did the same thing - flew all the way to Asia to meet a girl whom he knew irl years ago but only began having a "relationship" with online. And it turned out she wasn't interested in him at all, it was just alot easier to be flirty within the safe zone of the internet. Invest in a few phone calls first and make sure she's willing to go out with you on one on one dates when you make the trip. That will give you the opportunity to know if it will ever work out.
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