MendedWing Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 To all the OW out there who have gotten what they hoped for and the man left his wife for you. My husband had an affair, but didn't drag it out...he left and is now staying with her. However he is still married to me (just not living or sleeping with me). We have children together and he comes over here frequently. I'm assuming he tells her he is coming to see his kids, but the truth is that we spend most of the time talking together, cuddling, and discussing feelings. I know he's left, he's with her, but he also still has a hold on me that he doesn't want to let go of. Have I become the OW to her? I feel like he's keeping me on the sidelines and still whispering in my ear that he loves me, just in case his fantasy with her doesn't play out. I read that post titled " TO MY MM" and so much of it was me..being the BW, sitting at home waiting for him now to leave her to come back. Did your relationships last with MM once he left her, or was it the thrill of what was going on that drove the relationship. I read a statistic somewhere that relationships where men leave for the OW, only work out like 20% of the time. It drives me to keep holding on that he will come back to what he had...what was real, though not always blissfull. Isn't that the real world? I feel like trash for fighting for what I feel is mine and what was stolen from me, but on the other hand she knew the situation and manipulated him away from us. So, who's the OW here?
silktricks Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 I read a statistic somewhere that relationships where men leave for the OW, only work out like 20% of the time. It drives me to keep holding on that he will come back to what he had...what was real, though not always blissfull. Isn't that the real world? I feel like trash for fighting for what I feel is mine and what was stolen from me, but on the other hand she knew the situation and manipulated him away from us. So, who's the OW here? I'm not who you asked for comments from, as I am a former BW as well. I was fortunate, however, in that my husband realized he didn't want to leave before it was too late. That said, however, I'm going to chime in here anyway. Statistics don't mean anything. What you are interested in isn't what 80% or 70% or 2% of men do. What you are interested in is what your husband is doing and/or is going to do. You need to make your decisions in your time. Just as your husband needs to make his decisions and same for the OW. Yes, of course, the real world is that nothing is blissful all of the time. Maybe what you had together will manage to bring him back before you have given up and moved on yourself, but maybe not. I'd like to encourage you, from the bottom of my heart, to take good care of you. If things work out between you, then you will need to be strong to get over the hurt. If things don't work out, then you will need to be strong to get on with your life. I strongly encourage you to act and plan as if things will not work out. Be strong. Take care of yourself. Act and plan for yourself. Don't live in limbo waiting for him to make a decision. Just be you, take care of yourself and get on with YOUR life. The truth is, if he was gloriously blissfully happy with you, no matter what another woman did or said - it wouldn't have drawn him away from you. So, don't blame her. I'm not saying that what she did OR what he did was right. And I'm certainly not saying that some women don't attempt to lure men, whether they're married or not. I am saying that each of us need to look first at ourselves, and what we can fix inside of us to make our lives better. Best of luck to you. I hope you have a happy life.
lovernotafighter Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 To all the OW out there who have gotten what they hoped for and the man left his wife for you. My husband had an affair, but didn't drag it out...he left and is now staying with her. However he is still married to me (just not living or sleeping with me). We have children together and he comes over here frequently. I'm assuming he tells her he is coming to see his kids, but the truth is that we spend most of the time talking together, cuddling, and discussing feelings. I know he's left, he's with her, but he also still has a hold on me that he doesn't want to let go of. Have I become the OW to her? I feel like he's keeping me on the sidelines and still whispering in my ear that he loves me, just in case his fantasy with her doesn't play out. I read that post titled " TO MY MM" and so much of it was me..being the BW, sitting at home waiting for him now to leave her to come back. Did your relationships last with MM once he left her, or was it the thrill of what was going on that drove the relationship. I read a statistic somewhere that relationships where men leave for the OW, only work out like 20% of the time. It drives me to keep holding on that he will come back to what he had...what was real, though not always blissfull. Isn't that the real world? I feel like trash for fighting for what I feel is mine and what was stolen from me, but on the other hand she knew the situation and manipulated him away from us. So, who's the OW here? yeah you know..I have read many of threads hear and most of the time it is the MM that keeps chasing the OW..and you husband probably isn't any different. believe me the manipulating that is going on isn't from the OW..and it isn't you..look what he's saying to you now? I guarantee he did the same to her till she probably tried to break it off...I am betting if you do a about face and tell him to bugger off he will be begging you to come home..I'd bet my paycheck on it. good luck..stay strong
Blind Illusion Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 Mended Wing, I have read your posts (and your update about the key today) but never posted in reply because I never quite knew what to say to you. I was though, in fact, angry for you & almost posted just now on your latest post to tell him you don't think you want him home (to sort of force his hand and make him live in limbo for awhile) I didn't because I don't think that you want to do that anyhow and besides, how easy it is for me to suggest something like that, outside the situation. I have an equally difficult time answering you as an OW. In fact, that is even harder because I was never in that same position that your husband's OW is. I don't think the thrill of our relationship propelled it along...at least not for me. I'm not sure what did. During the first several years, it was a deep friendship connection, I would guess (even though there was a sexual side to it as well) Things kind of faded out lately on his part. I have had a hard time putting the relationship completely behind me because (1) he calls sometimes and (2) I am in a marriage that should have never been. None of this answers your questions but I hope you find the answers that you are looking for and things work out for you. I wouldn't worry about her having more time to influence your husband. That same amount of time can also bring an end of this chapter faster too. Good luck Mended Wing.
silktricks Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 yeah you know..I have read many of threads hear and most of the time it is the MM that keeps chasing the OW..and you husband probably isn't any different. believe me the manipulating that is going on isn't from the OW..and it isn't you..look what he's saying to you now? I guarantee he did the same to her till she probably tried to break it off...I am betting if you do a about face and tell him to bugger off he will be begging you to come home..I'd bet my paycheck on it. LNF, you are making statements as if they are facts. Neither you, nor I nor anyone knows what is going on in their relationship. You cannot guarantee that the MM in this particular case is or is not doing anything. I remember a while back an MM was posting here. He kept telling people how he was manipulated by the OW, but he was slammed so much by OW he apparently has quit posting. So what you read has a lot to do with what is acceptable to post on these boards, and what OW feel about what is going on with themselves, not necessarily what MM experience. And you might be betting your paycheck - but MendedWing would be betting her life - so maybe she should make her own decisions on what she wants to do.
The slayer Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 I'm not sure that labels would really help here. It seems as if you are in a very painful situation, that must have been continuing for some time. From what you say in this thread, it looks as if your husband is continuing to have a relationship with both of you. The cynic in me is also tempted to suggest he has managed to put himself in a position where it is really quite easy for him to continue doing this and that he remains very much in charge of the situation. It would probably be a really bad idea to make any plans or decisions based on whether or not the current situation is likely to last. If how things are at the moment is making you very unhappy, I'd say either set some new boundaries/expectations for your current relationship with your husband, or draw a line under the relationship and start taking steps towards a divorce. Whatever you do it is going to be a difficult and painful experience just make sure you don't compromise your own sense of who you are. Thinking of you and best of luck with changing your situation.
lovernotafighter Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 LNF, you are making statements as if they are facts. Neither you, nor I nor anyone knows what is going on in their relationship. You cannot guarantee that the MM in this particular case is or is not doing anything. I remember a while back an MM was posting here. He kept telling people how he was manipulated by the OW, but he was slammed so much by OW he apparently has quit posting. So what you read has a lot to do with what is acceptable to post on these boards, and what OW feel about what is going on with themselves, not necessarily what MM experience. And you might be betting your paycheck - but MendedWing would be betting her life - so maybe she should make her own decisions on what she wants to do. whether my opinion (okay I'll give you its a opinion and not a actual fact) is wrong or right she doesn't have to follow it.. but that being said I do believe my opinion is pretty accurate and even if it's not..I still believe she would be better off to do a 180 on this guy and not give in to him..right now she's playing to his hands and in serious pain..and as long as he has his cake and can eat it to nothing is going to change any time soon.
zarathustra Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 whether my opinion (okay I'll give you its a opinion and not a actual fact) is wrong or right she doesn't have to follow it.. but that being said I do believe my opinion is pretty accurate and even if it's not..I still believe she would be better off to do a 180 on this guy and not give in to him..right now she's playing to his hands and in serious pain..and as long as he has his cake and can eat it to nothing is going to change any time soon. If he looks like a cakeman, smell like a cakeman and taste like a cakeman, then likely he is one. Mended Wing, my suggestion is that you take control of the situation and decide what you want with your life. Right now you are letting your H hold all the cards. Not fair to you. You have a choice to tell him that if he wants to hang out with you, cuddle with you, etc. then he must not be with the OW... otherwise, he needs to leave you alone. From your post, you don't sound like you have a lot of self respect... so... if you respect yourself to not let him use you, then he will respect you as a woman.
sylviaguardian Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 MW, I have posted before on the infidelity board about this but I still think the same. He might come back to you, he might not. The question is how long are you prepared to hang around waiting for him to make up his mind? And if he does come back, would you be happy with a man who has been so cruel, thoughtless and self-centred? Sylvia
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