Guest Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 Why does a woman say things to ease the pain of breaking up? My ex said something to the effect of "right now I am just not ready for this type of relationship." And then, of course, I haven't heard from her since. This makes it hard on the other person since they tend to feel at some point down the line that something could exist again. I am beginning to think in reality that this person NEVER intended to see me again. And yet, why use the phrase "right now ...". Why not just say that "it's over and I never want to see you again." It's like they really want to keep you hanging on....all the while knowing that it will never happen again. I just wish they were more honest about things. Swollow the pill and learn I guess.
superconductor Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 It's not just women, men do it too. Both genders are under the delusion that if they somehow leave the door slightly ajar, they're softening the blow. It's a lie. And it causes way more pain than just cutting off contact and being done with it.
Guest Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 It's not just women, men do it too. Both genders are under the delusion that if they somehow leave the door slightly ajar, they're softening the blow. It's a lie. And it causes way more pain than just cutting off contact and being done with it. I agree, it is of course both genders. I've been out of the relationship for over 6.5 months. I'm just now realizing that I've been a fool. I am now broken again. This time hurts even deeper. Perhaps someone can learn from this.
Lovegod Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 It's like they really want to keep you hanging on They do. Now, to clarify what happens when a woman uses all those bull5hit excuses, here's Lovegod's ultimate explanation for why she uses them. But first of all, let's list some of those excuses! "I need to do things for myself" "I need some space" "I need to figure myself out" "I'm just don't feel like dating right now" "I still wanna be friends" When a woman breaks up with you and she gives you one of the above statements, a variation of them, and even many of them together, it is true that she's trying to prevent you from hurting your feelings. BUT, there is another side to it. Not only is she preventing your feelings from being hurt, but she's preventing HER emotions from going out of control! I know it doesn't make sense, but follow me for a second. Not only is she trying to prevent you from being "hurt", but she's trying to keep things on a friendly level. But if you give her a final "Goodbye" and immediately start dating another woman, your ex is going to get extremely pissed off! Suddenly, you don't seem to care about her any more! How could you get over her so quickly? A woman tries to give you that little bit of hope so she can recover from the relationship long before you move on with your own life. At least, that's how I see it.
basscatcher Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 try this one when it comes to break ups: I dated a guy for about 3 weeks. Everything was going great. He called me and complimented me lots. He told me 'we are going to have so much fun this summer together." on a couple different occassions. We had 3 offical dates in that time and they were all great. He told my gfs that he really liked me behind my back. Then one day out of the blue he says. "Your feelings for me are more then mine are and I can't catch up to them. I'm sorry." That was his break it off line; I don't want to see you anymore; your not the one I want to be with line... Granted it was only 3 weeks but still WTF??? Whats with all the compliments, telling my gfs how great I am, treating me like a queen, taking me out in pulic in his small town where people knew him and seen us together. Bringing me to his house, showing me around it, (his parents live in his walk out basement and they were home too) and making all kinds of plans for him and I then POOF??? That was the most confusing dating experience I have ever had... I still don't understand it to this day... O'Well I think it was his loss for being such a idiot.. My gfs was as flabbergasted as I was... That was a year ago..
Buttaflyy Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 Dag, you people want it RAW! I think that it's nothing wrong with a little gentleness! To say "I'm not ready for this type of relationship sounds ok to me if it's a new one. Maybe it's genuine. I've been out with guys who were moving things along at very fast speeds and I've told them this very same "line". Also the one that Pada mentioned . IMO what is important is that your actions don't betray your words. Does it really matter how it's said? A break up is a break up.
Lovegod Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 Does it really matter how it's said? A break up is a break up. Yes it does. The problem comes in with how each gender communicates. Women can communicate with subtle hints, while men need the words to be 100% obvious. Men WILL move on when they're told "You're a f***ing boring bastard, and I want you out of my life forever!" When they're given "Well, I'm not really ready for this kind of thing right now", men see the loophole in that statement and believe that she'll be ready for it LATER when she's finished being wishy-washy. Men are always looking for even the smallest chance of "winning her over". If you women want this guy to get the message, it has to be 100% obvious that he's not going to get anywhere further with you.
Buttaflyy Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 Yes it does. The problem comes in with how each gender communicates. Women can communicate with subtle hints, while men need the words to be 100% obvious. Men WILL move on when they're told "You're a f***ing boring bastard, and I want you out of my life forever!" When they're given "Well, I'm not really ready for this kind of thing right now", men see the loophole in that statement and believe that she'll be ready for it LATER when she's finished being wishy-washy. Men are always looking for even the smallest chance of "winning her over". If you women want this guy to get the message, it has to be 100% obvious that he's not going to get anywhere further with you. :lmao: Women do this too. If they're not willing to accept that they're being let go. I feel that no matter how you say it, knowing you don't want to be with me is enough. I've had jerks that never said anything! They just went back to being single. Jerks!
Mary3 Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 If you say " I'm sick and tired of your 4 inch penis " ! ....That should work pretty good. He will get the message Okay just kidding guys I would never say that....except for my one ex .......lol...jk
Guest Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 I am having the same dilemma. I am wanting to end a relationship tht has lasted over a year and am unsure as to how to do it.It isnt that i want the guy to hang around for me,its because i really dont want to hurt the guy or make him feel rejected.How else can i break up with him without him feeling like it was all his fault?
Spinderella Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 BUT, there is another side to it. Not only is she preventing your feelings from being hurt, but she's preventing HER emotions from going out of control! I know it doesn't make sense, but follow me for a second. Not only is she trying to prevent you from being "hurt", but she's trying to keep things on a friendly level. But if you give her a final "Goodbye" and immediately start dating another woman, your ex is going to get extremely pissed off! Suddenly, you don't seem to care about her any more! How could you get over her so quickly? A woman tries to give you that little bit of hope so she can recover from the relationship long before you move on with your own life. At least, that's how I see it. yeah true. i definetly do this, and for the reasons you state. but, its only if the guy has not met my requirements, and in my mind its fair enough, after all, he should have been a better boyfriend.
oppath Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 I hate this. I hate false hope. My ex persisted how she did have feelings for me and felt like an imbecile for having to give me up (after almost 6 months) because she wasn't ready for another serious relationship, having just exited a 5 year one before me and had never been single more than a month or two in the past 8 years. She gave me such false hope it really ticked me off. I even told her "it's ok to say I really like you, and you're a great guy and I do care about you and this is hard for me, but I just don't feel were are going to work out." She persisted the opposite and in the past 6-7 weeks, it's made me go crazy. I can't help but think "if everything was there, and you kept persisting it was, why break up?" I prefer sugar coated honesty. If I'm not feeling it, I say "I like you tremendously, care about you, and love spending time with you, but in my heart I don't feel we are right for each other. There is no big reason why, you're beautitful, smart, funny, and I thank you for the amazing experiences we've shared, but I feel we're not meant to be together long term." I know, it sounds cold, but I could get over that. Ambiguity is what makes break ups confusing. Ambiguity breeds false hope.
Spinderella Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 adding to my previous post, i only ever do this when i am actually confused about the guy. if i am absolutely sure 100% that i do not want to be with him, then i tell him straight and cut off all contact.
Neptune7 Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 Here's a list of phrases mine used: You deserve much better than me. You could have any guy you want. My response is, he's right I do deserve better than what he's been giving me, but at the same time, I have my reasons for wanting to be with him and I love him. And I can have any guy I want? Then why isn't he giving me what I want? He totally has strung me along, he's got me here and a LDR with a girl in LA that he met online prior to meeting me and feels obligated to try and make it work because of her past. I'm hanging in there with NO CONTACT and am doing better that way, but I miss his company, friendship and love terribly and am so frustrated by this whole situation.
Art_Critic Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 Being honest and up front without being mean is the best way.. that way they understand exactly why you broke up and don't carry a torch for you.. The forums on LS are littered with posts of people seeking closure and explanations because their BF/GF used flimsy excuses instead of the truth during the break up.. while creating a cool excuse to ease the pain may for that exact moment reduce the pain and make the dumper feel better for doing the dumping as soon as night falls the pain will come back onto the dumpee a lot harder than if the dumper was just honest in the first place.. So really.. the excuses created are only created to ease the pain for the dumper.
oppath Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 adding to my previous post, i only ever do this when i am actually confused about the guy. if i am absolutely sure 100% that i do not want to be with him, then i tell him straight and cut off all contact. The problem I have with that confusion, Spinderella, is that I desire those thoughts to be communicated to be before the point of breaking up. If something is on my gf's mind, I expect her to act assertive and bring it up relatively straightaway, after a day or two of thought. Not that this will save a relationship, but it can give me better perspective. If the rug is pulled from beneath my feet and the girl is confused, I am in a state of shock, and it prevents me from asking questions such as "why do you feel that way?" With my more recent ex, at first I didn't believe a word of her excuses; now I believe she was telling me the truth. The problem is that she didn't share her thoughts in the weeks leading up to the breakup, and because of the false hope and confusion when it happened, I could never say "I understand your desire. Could you explain to me why you feel this way?"
aaaaaiiiiieeeee Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 Something like "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore." or "Our constant arguing has made me realize I don't want to be with you." Those are direct, plausible, and easy to grasp. What I got was "I don't find you attractive any longer, I don't love you, I hate you but still care about you, I want to be with someone else, marrying you was a big mistake so give me my life back." Ok so for me that was a little too harsh and too direct. I mean if the person ever cared about me AT ALL, use something generic, yet true, excuses like those above. Especially after 6 years.
Spinderella Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 The problem I have with that confusion, Spinderella, is that I desire those thoughts to be communicated to be before the point of breaking up. If something is on my gf's mind, I expect her to act assertive and bring it up relatively straightaway, after a day or two of thought. Not that this will save a relationship, but it can give me better perspective. If the rug is pulled from beneath my feet and the girl is confused, I am in a state of shock, and it prevents me from asking questions such as "why do you feel that way?" With my more recent ex, at first I didn't believe a word of her excuses; now I believe she was telling me the truth. The problem is that she didn't share her thoughts in the weeks leading up to the breakup, and because of the false hope and confusion when it happened, I could never say "I understand your desire. Could you explain to me why you feel this way?" for me, it is always because i like to observe the guy without accusing him, or questioning him. there are some things that yes, you can explain how certain things have made you feel, but, if a guy is really not very genuine he tends to use those things to create a surface appearance that he now knows you want. therefore i tend to watch and then choose to end things, but if i am still not competely sure about my observations i probably keep him hanging on abit. i didnt really realise how much i did that until i read this thread. usually though if i am confused and have kept him hanging on, i have a few attempts at reconcilliation before i decide for sure that he is not the one, after this i tell him straight that i do not want to see him again, and i cut off all contact.
guin_girl Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 try not getting any reason at all... they just disappear off the face of the earth... no goodbye, get lost or even "fake" excuse....
oppath Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 usually though if i am confused and have kept him hanging on, i have a few attempts at reconcilliation before i decide for sure that he is not the one, after this i tell him straight that i do not want to see him again, and i cut off all contact. Understood. I think my ex was trying to reconcile when she asked for FWB honestly (I'm not deluding myself), but I burned the bridge. She now knows I am not the one .
Spinderella Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 she may have been trying to reconcile but with a get out already established just in case. i have to say i dont think its neccessarily wrong, relationships can be very confusing, and its hard sometimes to be sure if somebody is right for you or not. sometimes when there is the pressure of having to really commit to it it creates a panic, and this usually happens after a good few months into the relationship when a continuation implies a strnger commitment. but i do think that if you are sure somebody is right for you, then you probably would not panic like that, so you were right to burn that bridge. she probably enjoyed the relationship on many levels but maybe did not feel that she was sure enough to commit to it any longer. she was probably worried about letting you go completely because there were certain aspects that she knew she would miss.
oppath Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 True, she wasn't trying to get back together so much as not know what she wanted, but it belittled me. Basically: "I can't be in a relationship right now because I don't know who I am and I need to find myself." Combine that with persistent assertment of feelings, and yeah, I was confused as hell. I'm threadjacking every post with this stuff and it's time to stop, but basically, honesty is the best policy. If she had said "I jumped into a new relationship too soon and didn't give myself time to grieve my old one, and I've never spent time as a single young adult, and I really feel I need to gain that independence because I have life skills I need to learn outside of a relationship. I'm also confused about how I feel because my ex asked for me back, I told him no, but it has really confused me. I do have feelings for you but I can't offer a higher commitment to you right now." There is a huge differnece between those two explanations. One gives false hope and sounds obnoxious and cliche, the other express honesty and love.
Spinderella Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 yes you are right, that would have been the best way for you, but she was thinking of herself. i agree it isnt the best way to break up with somebody, but it does work to keep somebody around as you know. of course it is selfish to keep someone around in a way, on the other hand, if she had decided to get back with you afterwards, then overcomplicating things with too much talk of her ex would have made the relationship more difficult.
suchislife Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 I agree, people make excuses to make it easier for them, or because they don't really want to deal with it, or don't necessarily want it to end but are afraid, whatever. It all stinks. After contact, contact, contact, initiated by him, for hours, every day, letting me know in every way possible he is interested, I get, "I am too busy right now." Then, why contact me morning, noon and night for weeks and months?! FEAR It's not my problem. Then, on the other hand, recently a guy that I had talked to twice, who wanted to go out and told me he could not be friends, he's too attracted to me (WTF), I told him honestly and truthfully that I am not sure what I'm doing with my life right now and that I could only be friends. Not good enough. He tried making a move, and got NOWHERE. So, you can't win. I will still be honest and straightforward, though. It's the only way.
oppath Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 I think people need to have their heart's broken, likely more than once, to learn how not to give false hope and obnoxious, cliche lines. Someone being dumped deserves a clean break, with no hope for the future, unless the confusion is WELL explained. Even after 1 date I try to be as honest as possible. "I enjoyed meeting you and loved our conversation, but I don't feel we'd be right romantically." I say this after 10 dates too if it is what I feel, but with more depth obviously.
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