violet_21 Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 Hi everyone. I recently moved in with my boyfriend of 4 years.. he has two children that come here every other weekend and week on week off during this summer. Well, since I've lived here i've been around for a few of their visits and, he is MEAN! His patience is almost nothing, and he snaps at them and says horrible things.. like we were out, and they started to argue with eachother (they are both under 9) and he suddenly yells, "You f-ing little f-ers!..." and went on to tell them to stop it in a really awful way. Then he can't figure out why his daughter is bawling her face off, and has anxiety problems....! Another time, he told her to shut the h-ll up and he just seems to freak on them all the time.. its horrible! They also have terrible diets and when I try to say anything he actually freaks on me, telling me F off and stay out of it. I am getting really disturbed by this and when I try to bring it up he shuts me down saying, drop it, none of your business, leave me alone type thing. Lately hes been in his garage like... all the time... saying its his allergies even tho he sits out there smoking.. (we have pets in the house)... even when his kids are here! Then i am saddled with them and when i try to get him to come back in he snaps at me and basically makes me feel like i am walking on eggshells..... i really hate it and they aer coming on monday for a week.. i dont know what to do i can't handle another week of him being horrible and his kids being glued to me but constantly making me go bug him and him getting angry at me its NOT FUN! He also recently password protected his computer, a few months ago, and now his cell phone. I am feeling worried like wtf is he doing. I can understand privacy but this feels like something is not right. I love him but all of this is really standing in the way... we have been together 4 years and its like his personality is changing Please help!!!
sugarplum Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 Ew, I hate when people swear at their kids - especially calling them names. Something is going on. You dont lock down your computer or phone at home unless you have something to hide. Any family or friends of his (that you can trust) to talk to about anything going on that you should know?
Pink Amulet Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 This kind of verbal and emotional abuse is just not acceptable. Do the kids have a mother?
a4a Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 Time to put your foot down. Not only is it abusive to the kids but you also have the right not to be subject to this sort of behavior.
climbergirl Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 Time to put your foot down. Not only is it abusive to the kids but you also have the right not to be subject to this sort of behavior. Amen to that. His kids are probably the most important people in his life.........and he treats them like that! IME, this will eventually trickle down to you. Is he even aware that the way he treats them and you is very wrong? Or does he justify it?
ashnicole Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 I have a child of my own, so if I ever dated a man that treated his kid(s) awful - which I have, it won't last long. I refuse to be with someone that treats their children like crap... because then it's just going to backfire on my son... and if anyone ever talked to my son like that, I'd end up in prison for murder.
Stunner Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 Dump him NOW..it will only get worse. At the very best this guy is a Verbal Abuser at the worst he will turn physical and guess who is in line for that? Get out now....he will never improve and you can't fix him....
Outcast Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 Write a long letter to their mother detailing everything you see. When you dump this guy, as you will, send it to her and offer to testify on her behalf in court. Kids who are mistreated grow up to be dysfunctional adults - and they perpetrate the problems, which can lead to crime, etc. You'd do those kids a huge favour if you help rescue them from him.
tikigods Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 if he is willing to treat his kids like this just imagine how he would be willing to treat you. Its time to find someone else, also let the mother know whats going on, no kid should have to deal with that and you staying with him shows you approve of his behaviour
PandorasBox Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 Those kids are probably ruined or damaged from his words. They will grow to to think that's how you are supposed to comunicate to people and how you act period. Unless he gets some help and changes his ways towards them, it will probably continue. Some people just shouldn't be parents.
Author violet_21 Posted July 1, 2006 Author Posted July 1, 2006 Hi everyone, thanks for your replys. We have been together a really long time, and pls don't get me wrong, he is nice to his children quite a bit too its not like he is just a huge a**h*** all the time but, when he gets frustrated with them or loses his patience then it happens. He does apologize to them afterwards, but I don't think its appropriate at all.. I am wanting to try to salvage this if I can. Is there anything you think I can say to him, how should I talk to him about it. I don't know.. maybe its not possible but I want to try.. His kids do love him alot, its just when he gets upset with them that its bad. When he is sick, its like he is a little kid himself. Selfish, not caring of others feelings etc.. so its alot worse. Of course thats no excuse. Do you think I should tell him I refuse to be around if he acts like that and leave? Or what do you think I should try. I want him to see how stupid he is acting and smarten up..
climbergirl Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 Violet, Just a few questions first... You mentioned "recent"-you've been together for 4 years, so when did you start hanging out with him and his kids? Did he act impatient, at least generally, during the first few years you two were together? Just trying to guess if it is an 'anger management' type deal or some sort of manifestation of stress...
Buttaflyy Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 I think you absolutely should talk to him and as many others have already said-Put your foot down! #1 You are an adult and he should NEVER talk to you in that way! #2 Since you are in a relationship with him and are living together, he puts some responsibility for his kids on you, being the other adult in the household. He can not expect you to "stay out of it" when you are witnessing him mistreating them. You should definitely address him but be careful of "underminding" him in front of him. Talk to him, tell him that you feel some responsibility for them and that he makes you feel insignificant when he tells you to "mind your business". Tell him that if he wants you around them, he has to trust and expect that you wouldn't steer them wrong. Tell him that you see that he is a loving father, short of patience which kids need. He has to work on this and you want to help him. When he's "freaking out on them" tell him that you'll handle it and show how he can get his point across without being so violent. Hopefully in time he'll see how it works. Some parents need direction. #3 I would never write a letter to their mother. Whether I dumped him or not. She may use this against you. A letter can backfire on you. I'm sure she probably already knows who he is as a father to their children, and she thinks of him to be responsible enough that she sends them to spend time with him. I might talk to her if I thought it would help. I am in the same perdicament in the sense that my SO has a child from a previous relationship. My SO and I live together along with my daughter. He has a daughter that lives in another state and visits. He's a devoted father and she comes to visit over the summer. When she is here there is a certain role that I play in her life, although I do not desire to replace her mother. He knows that I, as and adult expect respect at all times and if there is an issue with his daughter, there is no way he can tell me to stay out of it. I'd never tell him that either. We discuss conflict concerning the children privately. This is a reply to one breif issue. Only you know the entire story. If he mistreats you, there is no excuse for this. You should leave. If it's the children you should talk to him about it and if he doesn't change, I'd still leave.
climbergirl Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 #3 I would never write a letter to their mother. Whether I dumped him or not. She may use this against you. A letter can backfire on you. I'm sure she probably already knows who he is as a father to their children, and she thinks of him to be responsible enough that she sends them to spend time with him. I might talk to her if I thought it would help. Good point-instigating a custody battle in this instance is, IMO, a baaaaad idea. The ex probably is very aware of her ex-husbands personality-and if not, then something is emotionally 'up' with your guy that needs to be understood and not exacerbated.
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