Girlfriend tells me she needs space

[wintercs]

Hi all -

 

Last weekend my girlfriend told me that she needed space, that although she loved me, she needed to do things on her own and not be "someone's other half." She isn't interested in dating anyone right now and she thinks that there is the possibility of us gettnig back together in the future, but that right now she just feels this is the best for her. I support her and told her that and that I love her and if she feels this is the best for her, then I will stand by her decision. We just both graduated college - I'm from PA, she's from VA.

 

I just need some advice on what to do - how to act, how often I should call her, etc. I don't want to lose her and this past week was quite honestly the worst I can ever remember feeling, especailly about a girl. I don't get myself wrapped up in girlfriends a lot because I personally don't think that they're worth it, but this one is worth it plus many others. Although I'm hurting now, I would do this all over again just because of how special she is to me...truly, I felt like the luckiest guy on earth.

 

I know that I need to keep my distance and let her experience the things she wants to experience. Having said that, I want her to know that I'm here for her and that I love her very much, blah blah blah. Her birthday is coming up next week, should I send her a card? And just to think, I was going to get her this beautiful diamond necklace because when I saw it, I immediately thought it would be perfect for her.

 

Please, any advice you have would be greatly appreciated. I'm not too good with this relationship stuff because I haven't dated much.

 

Thanks in advance for your advice.

[Thursday_le]

Same thing happend to me man. After almost 2 years my ex told me that same thing. She told me " If you let it go and it comes back, its yours forever." that botherd me for the first week after the breakup. Its been 11 days since we broke up and its day 6 of NC ( no contact ).

 

If I were you I would do exactly what she asked for SPACE. Give it to her. Let her have to time to think about things and miss you. In the mean time, do something for yourself...for example Im getting contacts( ive been afraid of puting something in my eye for several years) and then im going on a road trip for a week to go back home to PA. Just try to be strong. Dont email, IM, mail, call, or even hint at anything remotely close to contacting her. I know its hard, I am having a rough time with it also. But as you think about it less it becomes less stressful and easier to deal with. You just have to realize that nothing you say or do will change what she is thinking right now. Actually acting on feelings and contacting her will make things harder and drag the healing process out even longer.

 

Its been 11 days and Im at the point where I dont want to lose her forever...so Ive decided to delete my myspace and not use AIM anymore. Do something different to occupy yourself. Believe me, nothing will cure your pain as of now. Only time will tell. Dont push her into making a decision....because she will push you away even more.

 

You basically have to prove that you can make it on your own without her. She wont think highly of you if you mope around the house and cry and plead to her. If she contacts you...you have to seem like your doing GREAT! Even if you feel like your going to die without her...act as if everything is kool and dont mention the relationship. Dont say you miss her unless she says that first. Make sure you keep it short and Simple. Dont drag the convo out and make sure you end the call yourself. 9 times out of 10, if you act like your doing fine without her....she will think and wonder more and is more likely to contact you again and also to regain those feelings for you again.

 

Just hang in there. I sound like an expert but im not. Every situation is different but I know what you mean by not wanting to let her disappear forever. Read my original post if you like http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t91890/

 

Hope this helps man...Ill keep an eye out for your posts. Maybe you can do the same for me. Its feels better when your not the only one going threw this.

[Thursday_le]

What are your ages by the way...just wondering.

[wintercs]

Hey man thanks for your reply. That really helped put things into perspective for me. I am 22 and she is going to be 22 this coming Thursday. I feel like I can't avoid her birthday and not call her. Do you agree? Just to say happy birthday? Would it be all right to tell her that I love her? Also, I was going to send her a picture through email I have of me giving her a kiss on the cheek and saying soemthing like "here's a kiss for your birthday!"

 

Sorry, I'm being scatterbrained, but am trying to recapture everything you said. Should I make any contact with her at all? You're saying that I should just go cold turkey and see what happens? What if she calls? Should I pick up or let her go to voicemail? Should I even mention anything to her about "what are the chances of you visiting before school starts?" - or something to that effect. I'm sorry I'm being so "way out there" but I really don't know what to do...and if this is the time when I have to fight silently for her, then I will. I'm trying to be positive but it's really hard...I didnt' sleep a wink the first two nights after she told me, but I'm doing fine now.

 

Thanks for your help man...and although I seem pretty stupid with my own girl, I can help others better than I can help myself...don't be afraid to let me know

[Guest]

I just need some advice on what to do - how to act, how often I should call her, etc. I don't want to lose her

 

don't call her at all. you've already lost her. When she says she "needs space," that's the kiss of death. It's over. Sending a birthday card will just make you look like a desperate lost puppy.

[Winfield]

In giving her a birthday message, I'd just send something simple. A card would probably be best, with just a simple "from me to you". That way she'll know that you still care, without you having to bring up memories from your relationship's past...it cuts out the awkwardness, but does just enough to show her that you still think about her.

 

As per contact, don't contact her. She says she needs space, so, give her space. Respect her decision. If she calls, by all means, pick up! Answer her as you would any other friend - after all, you're not avoiding her, are you?

 

As for what happens when a conversation takes place...well, that's too difficult to ascertain until that happens, because nobody knows what direction the conversation will go! As for "asking" to see her, this will become clearer through what she says and the "tone" of the conversation...you'll just get a feeling (or she'll tell you straight) that she'll want to meet up or not.

 

In the meantime though, just keep yourself occupied and arrange meet-ups / nights out with friends. Sure, you'll think about her a lot, but dwelling on things isn't going to do you much good either!

 

Good luck!

[Lovegod]

Last weekend my girlfriend told me that she needed space, that although she loved me, she needed to do things on her own and not be "someone's other half." She isn't interested in dating anyone right now and she thinks that there is the possibility of us gettnig back together in the future, but that right now she just feels this is the best for her.

 

And you're actually buying that load of s***?

 

Pay attention to her actions, not her words. She told you all that crap to prevent "hurting your feelings" more than she already did. She is no longer attracted to you. She is attracted to someone else. I guarantee she won't be single for very long.

 

I just need some advice on what to do

 

Move on with your life and date other women.

 

how to act,

 

Act like you did before you met her - like a single guy.

 

how often I should call her

 

Never. She is in your past. It's time to move ahead with your life and experience something new.

 

I don't want to lose her

 

You already lost her. You have nothing more to lose. You have LOTS to gain. Now you can pick up your hobbies that you put aside while you were dating her, you can date other women, and you can enjoy your new found freedom.

 

I don't get myself wrapped up in girlfriends a lot because I personally don't think that they're worth it, but this one is worth it plus many others.

 

It's a woman. There are many out there. There are lot of good ones out there. You just have to look for them. This woman who dumped your ass is NOT your ideal woman. Your ideal woman wouldn't dump your ass, would she? You're better off finding one who will be loyal to you.

 

I want her to know that I'm here for her and that I love her very much, blah blah blah.

 

Unfortunately, she doesn't care. Don't waste your breath.

 

Her birthday is coming up next week, should I send her a card?

 

Send her nothing. What did she do to deserve a card? Rewarding a woman for treating you like crap is like rewarding your dog for s***ting on the rug.

 

And just to think, I was going to get her this beautiful diamond necklace because when I saw it, I immediately thought it would be perfect for her.

 

Well, I've got some good news for you. You can spend that money on YOURSELF!!!! Enjoy your new found wealth.

 

I'm not too good with this relationship stuff because I haven't dated much.

 

A-ha! Well, now you can catch up. Date LOTS and LOTS of WOMEN! Date two or three at the same time. Most of them aren't immediately looking to settle down, they're looking to have fun! Go out, meet some women, take them out for a fun activity, and enjoy yourself! It beats the hell out of trying to make a relationship perfect with romance (which doesn't work)

[gfto]

Lovegod is absolutely correct. When she tells you she "needs space," she's finished with you forever. She'll tell you something to the effect of "who knows what could happen down the road?" just to spare your feelings. Sending a birthday card is pure begging. Forget about her and focus on getting new phone numbers.

[Yamaha]

What Lovegod said!!!

 

When they want space it is to let you down easily and let you get used to your life without her. She has already decided it's over with you but doesn't just want to come out and say so.

 

Let you pain subside and start looking for her replacement.

[wintercs]

Thank you Lovegod and LTFO (or whatever your name is) for giving me a differnet perspective. Although, I have to say, I don't know if yours is the right one at this point in time...I'm not saying you're wrong, but I know this girl well enough to know if that's what she really meant. She's always been completely honest to me - sometimes too honest - and I don't have any reason to believe that she's bull-s***ting me now.

 

She's talked about her uneasiness with our relationship before...not that there was anything wrong with it, per se, but that she felt that she needed to be independent and grow on her own before she could be serious with someone.

[gfto]

I know this girl well enough to know if that's what she really meant. She's always been completely honest to me - sometimes too honest - and I don't have any reason to believe that she's bull-s***ting me now.

 

They never come right out and say, "I am no longer interested in you; there is no chance that we'll ever get back together; and I'd prefer to have no more contact with you ever."

[wintercs]

I disagree but I thank you for sharing your take on the situation - it's good to be able to see more than just one side.

 

We've talked since this incident and she was very friendly and open to conversation. I probably didn't play it quite as cool as I should have, but that's ok...I didn't directly bring up the relationship stuff but kind of beat around the bush with it a little bit. All in all, it was a good conversation considering that just a few days ago I was put on my ass.

 

I'm not simply going to just forget everything that happened and try to bang the next two legs I watch walk by me nor am I going to try to date as many girls as I can just so I can say I did it. What I am going to do is enjoy not having to worry about some of the bs that you have to worry about when you have a girlfriend (let's be honest: they're girls...they all have baggage). I don't doubt that we'll talk about things in the future, whenever that future is. It's the interim that's killing me in trying to figure out what I can do to maximize my chances while repsecting what she wants. I know it's a difficult balance and sometimes might not be the most practical, but that's what I want because of my feelings for her.

[Yamaha]

but that's what I want because of my feelings for her.

 

Doesn't matter what you want as you are not asking for space. It is your decision as to what you do about her wanting space. I hope she will do as you want but there have been many people on LS with the same situation as yours and the person who wanted space also ended the relationship. Giving her space probably will not help but you have to do what you feel is the best for you. Hope you will be the exception.

[alphamale]

When they want space it is to let you down easily and let you get used to your life without her. She has already decided it's over with you but doesn't just want to come out and say so.

 

Let you pain subside and start looking for her replacement.

agreed YAMAHA....the relationship is over.

 

don't send her a card or buy a necklace or even give her the time of day. tell her to get lost. the only small chance you have of getting her back is to totally blow her off and live your own life and date other chicks. if she feels like it she may come crawling back but this is unlikely.

[wintercs]

Well here's the thing, and I know this seem weird and maybe even stupid in light of my feelings shown through my posts: I'm supporting her decision. When she told me, I was floored, but I wasn't mad..sad, but not mad. We're on good terms and although I am definitely treating this as a "break up" and not a bump in the road, I want to do my best to maximize her space without totally forgetting her. I can't seem to justify why I would just forget about her, act as if she didn't exist, after I told her that I loved her. I think I'm getting off topic.

 

Anyway, we're on good terms. If it weren't for the distance thing, who knows if this would have happened, but that's something I can't control right now.

 

I have been doing things to keep her off of my mind and have been going out to bars/hanging out with my friends. One minute I'll be doing fine and the next minute I feel like the world will end in 5 minutes. Stupid, I know. If there is any good news to be told, it is that she told me that her and her mom talked about our situation and they both thought that I was a long-term kind of guy (meaning that I would be good for her in the long-run) but that the current time was not the right time. I know, a little bull-s***ty, but I'm not going to argue with her on that. I know I've probably confused you more and confused myself more, but that's what's in my head right now.

 

Well at least tonight I'll have cute blondes dancing on the bar all night long. That will help me pull through tonight.

[BrandonBP]

Some of the people here fail to remember that many ex's get back together after a while. My little sister and her boyfriend broke up for a year and a half and dated other people. Now they're married. Even spouses get divorced and get remarried.

 

It's not always final. Sometimes needing space just means wanting to look around for greener pastures. When there are no greener pastures, they'll come back home.

[Lovegod]

Could someone please take cupid out back and shoot him? Please???

 

I'm not saying you're wrong, but I know this girl well enough to know if that's what she really meant.

 

True, but you obviously have no clue how women think. Women think and feel DIFFERENTLY from men. They also communicate differently. A woman will read a man's actions, facial expressions, and voice tone before she reads his words. This is also the way women communicate. Ever get fired a "what was that look for?" or "you didn't mean that!" That's a woman reading your facial features and voice tone.

 

It's the interim that's killing me in trying to figure out what I can do to maximize my chances while repsecting what she wants.

 

For me, after the breakup, respect goes out the freakin' door. I f***ed my ex's best friend. She was pretty pissed off about that one, but we were no longer together so it's all fair game.

 

I want to do my best to maximize her space without totally forgetting her.

 

You're still delusional from the emotional fog that has clouded your head.

 

If there is any good news to be told, it is that she told me that her and her mom talked about our situation and they both thought that I was a long-term kind of guy (meaning that I would be good for her in the long-run)

 

No, that means you're boring as hell. She'd rather bang a biker or a heavy metal singer instead of Bob Saget.

 

Well at least tonight I'll have cute blondes dancing on the bar all night long. That will help me pull through tonight.

 

Atta boy! Go out and have fun. It feels better than dealing with your ex.

I'm going to share something that I discovered a while ago. "You don't know what you've got until it's gone.... but sometimes what you had wasn't all that great"

[Spurned]

Hey, I'd have to agree with alphamale and lovegod and the others who are telling you to move on.

 

Respect her decision, consider it quits, and don't contact her any more. That's not being a dick, it's just being adult and respectful. Do you really want to be with a girl who expects you to be great friends and there for her and to be buying her stuff in light of a breakup? I hope not, for those mind-game playing girls don't deserve the light of day. If it will work out, she'll be back. maybe you will take her back, maybe you'll be with a girl who's twice as great. Either way, save your diamond necklace money and join the gym.

 

Good luck.

[gfto]

Some of the people here fail to remember that many ex's get back together after a while

 

...and then she kicks him to the curb again for the same reason she kicked him to the curb the first time. They might get "back together" for a month, five years, or ten years, but they probably won't celebrate a 25th wedding anniversary. This is because her low interest level that caused her to leave him the first time is still there, even if they are "back together."

[Thursday_le]

I dont agree with that last comment gfto. I know of plenty of couples who got back together and are happily married. I want that to happen to me in the furture with my ex. She always said that she didnt want to marry anyone else...even after we broke up...and this wasnt a thing to make me feel better or releave her from guilt. I wont give up. You'll know when its time to move on and forget. Remember you can move on and and still remember. If its true love they will come back and the two of you will be stronger than ever. People who make it threw rough times like this, eventually realize that theres not too many guys out there that will show them Complete unconditional love towards them.

[Guest]

For some stupid reason, this site isn't letting me log in - it's telling me that I'm logged in, but then it doesn't actually do it for me - this is wintercs, by the way (the guy that started this post).

 

Anyway, I'm not giving her the necklace. I didn't mean to give the impression that I was going to give it to her after we broke up, I was just saying that I found the perfect one just two nights before s*** hit the fan.

 

Thanks to those who have given your responses. Although I'm not aligned with the blunt philosophy of forgetting the girl and pretending like she never existed, I appreciate the encouragement not to let myself drag myself into the gutter.

 

I can't remember if I already mentioned this, but the breakup happened last Sunday. Our conversation never really ended as she had to run - and no, she wasn't trying to pull a fast one...don't try to tell me that I got screwed over or whatever. So anyway, we never really finished the conversation. Monday I sent her a quick email to see if she wanted to finish our convo that night. No response. I didn't call. Tuesday, I sent her a text asking her if I could call her just to talk, not to talk about anything bad, but just to talk. She sent me a sweet reply telling me that I could call her whenever and we could talk. But we didnt talk as she went to the movies with her friends...she texted me to let me know that she couldn't talk that night, so that was thoughtful. Wednesday I just up and called her that night and we talked for about 20 minutes, no problems. Like a pussy, I told her that I was really glad to have talked to her, she agreed that she too was glad to have talked to me. Since then, NC, which I have done suprisingly well at. Definitely easier said than done and I'm suprised that I've managed not to screw anything up.

 

So that brings you up to speed. Now here's where I need some advice next. Her birthday is this Thursday. I'm sending her a birthday card - no gift or anything. The card is kind of dorky/funny, without any sort of emotional/romantic influence. I was going to send her a more thoughtful card instead of a funnier one, but I thought that might be the wrong message to send at this time. My question, however, is whether or not I should also call her. Not to talk, per se, but just to wish her a happy birthday. She called me on my birthday (which was only 2 weeks ago) as well as texted me; she was in Florida that week and so I didn't get to see her. I was going to be visiting this week and we would celebrate both of our birthdays together. That is, until this happened.

 

Part of me says that calling her would be a nice thing to do, as I would be reciprocating what she did to me, albeit when we were together. The other half says that the card is enough and that I'm already bending some of the NC rule I've self-imposed. Also, I am not completely ruling out the fact that she might call and thank me for the card immediately after opening it, and to let me know that it was a neat card or whatever.

 

What do you think?

 

Before you reply, I'm NOT going to refuse to acknowledge her birthday at all by not sending her a card or anything, so don't even waste your time. That would be complete dick of me - I can't help it that her birthday is falling at a less than opportune time.

 

The card gets put in the mail tomorrow but the phone call - if one is made - won't be happening until Thursday. Let me know what you think.....especially you girls - I need some female perspective on this, please!

[wintercs]

To clear up any confusion, I'm not giving her the necklace nor did I buy it. I didn't mean to give the impression that I was going to give it to her after we broke up, I was just saying that I found the perfect one just two nights before s*** hit the fan.

 

 

 

Thanks to those who have given your responses. Although I'm not aligned with the blunt philosophy of forgetting the girl and pretending like she never existed, I appreciate the encouragement not to let myself drag myself into the gutter.

 

 

I can't remember if I already mentioned this, but the breakup happened last Sunday. Our conversation never really ended as she had to run - and no, she wasn't trying to pull a fast one...don't try to tell me that I got screwed over or whatever. So anyway, we never really finished the conversation. Monday I sent her a quick email to see if she wanted to finish our convo that night. No response. I didn't call. Tuesday, I sent her a text asking her if I could call her just to talk, not to talk about anything bad, but just to talk. She sent me a sweet reply telling me that I could call her whenever and we could talk. But we didnt talk as she went to the movies with her friends...she texted me to let me know that she couldn't talk that night, so that was thoughtful. Wednesday I just up and called her that night and we talked for about 20 minutes, no problems. Like a pussy, I told her that I was really glad to have talked to her, she agreed that she too was glad to have talked to me. Since then, NC, which I have done suprisingly well at. Definitely easier said than done and I'm suprised that I've managed not to screw anything up.

 

 

 

So that brings you up to speed. Now here's where I need some advice next. Her birthday is this Thursday. I'm sending her a birthday card - no gift or anything. The card is kind of dorky/funny, without any sort of emotional/romantic influence. I was going to send her a more thoughtful card instead of a funnier one, but I thought that might be the wrong message to send at this time. My question, however, is whether or not I should also call her. Not to talk, per se, but just to wish her a happy birthday. She called me on my birthday (which was only 2 weeks ago) as well as texted me; she was in Florida that week and so I didn't get to see her. I was going to be visiting this week and we would celebrate both of our birthdays together. That is, until this happened.

 

 

Part of me says that calling her would be a nice thing to do, as I would be reciprocating what she did to me, albeit when we were together. The other half says that the card is enough and that I'm already bending some of the NC rule I've self-imposed. Also, I am not completely ruling out the fact that she might call and thank me for the card immediately after opening it, and to let me know that it was a neat card or whatever.

What do you think?

 

 

 

Before you reply, I'm NOT going to refuse to acknowledge her birthday at all by not sending her a card or anything, so don't even waste your time. That would be complete dick of me - I can't help it that her birthday is falling at a less than opportune time.

 

 

 

The card gets put in the mail tomorrow but the phone call - if one is made - won't be happening until Thursday. Let me know what you think.....especially you girls - I need some female perspective on this, please!

 

 

 

By the way, going out with my buddies has helped although I caught myself multiple times slipping into thinking about her. Especially when the band played a song she really liked or I saw someone that had similar looks as her, etc. I wasn't intentionally trying to think about her and I did have a good time with my friends, but try as I may, I couldn't help but think about her. BUT I did a good job in not touching my phone and text her or call her in the middle of the night or something...that would have been stupid!

[LucreziaBorgia]

The card gets put in the mail tomorrow but the phone call - if one is made - won't be happening until Thursday. Let me know what you think.....especially you girls - I need some female perspective on this, please!

 

Absolute 'no contact' is best in this situation, but I think that if you have to send a card, it would be best to send a fairly generic one with a brief non-emotional message in it. Something you would send a distant cousin: Hope you have a great birthday, take care, (your name). Nothing more than that.

 

If she calls you back, acknowledge her but keep it brief and to the point. She wanted space from your emotional investment in her, so you have to give her that space - meaning no matter how badly you want to express how you are feeling it is absolutely necessary that you supress it as much as possible. Anything less than that will push her into needing even more space.

[wintercs]

Thanks for your reply. The card is very generic and has no emotion other than wishing a happy birthday. Sounds like the no call policy is the best way to go then, and I can do that. Of course, in the chance that she does call and the chance that she brings up her feelings, would it be advisable to reciprocate sharing those feelings?

 

For instance, if SHE initiates "I miss you" or "I love you" - both a stretch at this point, I know - I should initiate back and basically mirror her actions and not go further unless she takes it further. Conventional wisdom and other advice I've read indicate this to be the best policy - agreed?

 

Thanks again.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. Of course, in the chance that she does call and the chance that she brings up her feelings, would it be advisable to reciprocate sharing those feelings?

 

2. For instance, if SHE initiates "I miss you" or "I love you" - both a stretch at this point, I know - I should initiate back and basically mirror her actions and not go further unless she takes it further. Conventional wisdom and other advice I've read indicate this to be the best policy - agreed?

 

 

1. No - acknowledge but do not share. Remember - what you want to share is precisely what she wanted space from. You can be nice about it, but its best not to fall into a trap here. She'll get you saying how you feel and remember why it is she needed/wanted space and you'll get yourself backed into giving her even more 'space'.

 

2. Here's where you gain the upper hand here and keep things in control. An example:

 

Her: "I miss you"

You: "I understand that you miss me, but I want to respect your need for space so maybe we should change the subject. I want you to be sure about what you want and right now I need some space of my own while you are trying to figure out what it is you want."

 

Her: "I love you"

You: "I understand that you love me, but I want to respect your need for space so maybe we should change the subject. I want you to be sure about what you want and right now I need some space of my own while you are trying to figure out what it is you want."

 

Basically, you won't mirror what she is saying - you will acknowlege it nicely and then remind her that she needed space. Then every time she tries to go into relationship type stuff, gently remind her that you are giving her space and it is too painful right now to talk about this stuff. Tell her you want to be there as her friend, but as long as she needs space from you, you want to keep it strictly on a friendly level and save the relationship talk for when she is less 'confused' and decides she no longer needs 'space'.

 

You have to have an iron will to do this - you will be refusing to be the guy she needed space from. You can still be there for her when she calls or whatever but you will be enforcing a strict 'no emotional contact' on her. As long as 'space' is part of her relationship vocabulary, she is not allowed emotional interaction with you. She wanted space, so give it to her in as brutally friendly manner as possible. Polite, distant, friendly, and non-emotional. This way she gets to really have that space, and give some real thought as to what it is she is giving up by requiring this 'space', and who knows... she may even end up really missing you and deciding to get her stuff straight.

 

A word of warning though - remember all that emotional stuff you want to say to her right now? Right now that is what she doesn't want from you - even if she starts in with the 'love you' 'miss you' type stuff. She misses what she had with you before she needed 'space'. Time to make her really miss it.