Junebug24 Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 Hello everyone, As I am new here, I will try to summarize my current situation as best I can. Last year I had some major trauma. My father died suddenly 4 days before my 25th birthday. THREE days after my birthday, the man I had been living with and calling "honey" for 4.5 years had a nervous breakdown and broke up with me in a rage. I was beside myself. Not only was I dealing with the grief of losing my dad, but the guy I was supposed to marry turned out to be psychotic. I am glad that I found out about his problems when I did! But... this is beside the point. After all was said and done, I knew that I had to take some time for myself and heal as best I could. I had a lot to get through. Six months later I decide I am ready to get back into "the swing" and I choose to take a different, almost ridiculous approach. I created a Myspace page (I know, I know) in hopes of broadening my circle of friends with other people that had similar interests, etc... I got what I asked for. Not a month went by and I met a man who seemed to fit every fantasy bill that I had always wished for... He was kind, attractive, down to earth, made me laugh, etc... Two things especially drew me in - firstly, that he was British.... I thought that was sexy and I was greatly intrigued as I have always been "drawn" to that culture. The second thing was that his dad was going through the final stages of terminal illness. Me and my "paramour" spoke for hours on the phone, via instant messaging, and eventually, by webcam. He thought I was "gorgeous" and "his fantasy girl" ... I supposedly had all the qualities of a woman that he only dreamed of. He had his friends and family speak to me, told everyone he was head over heels in love, etc. We talked for hours about his dad and the emotions that go with that situation; he said he opened up to me more than anyone he had known before. I did my best to soothe him and let him know that his emotions were natural and I wouldn't judge him, etc.. Anyway, he decides that he is going to pay for me to come over and meet him and his family, so his dad could meet his "future daughter-in-law" (his words) before he passed. Now, normally I consider myself to be a very practical person, but I was emotionally saturated at this point and I felt it quite natural to go - like it was fated - and I had this opportunity only now. When I finally agreed (mind you I alerted family and friends that live in England that I was going to be there - just in case this guy was a psycho killer) to his proposal, he promised me the moon and stars. He told me that I wouldn't need to bring money, he had plenty of it and wanted to show me an amazing time. He told me he would bring me to Stonehenge, New Forest, etc.. He came across as very sincere and more interested in spending alone time with me - like we were going to hole ourselves up and pull a "John and Yoko." Of course, being semi-practical at this point, when the time came to leave for London, I had some money in my pocket. Even though his ideas sounded rather fantastical, I felt he was emitting geniune sincerity. I had never done this online thing before and was raving to my friends how I had found the love of my life. Before I went to meet him, we made a pact that we would be friends above all else, whatever happened. I said that there was a possibility that he might not like the "real" me and vice versa... we should let things play out. He kept on saying "It is going to be the best day of my life! You are everything to me now! Don't worry about a thing." I told him my heart was fragile, he had heard all this, and he assured me that he wouldn't break it (SOUND THE ALARM). SO the day comes and I board that plane. When I landed at Heathrow I was so nervous, but felt so good. We saw eachother... he was obviously nervous... he gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and we basically ran out to his car. The next few hours were spent looking at eachother and I felt a strong chemistry to him. We touched hands and both of us felt the surge - it was lovely. The inevitable happens back at his place and it is amazing... it is absolute love.. he says the most beautiful things. I am thinking I have met the man I am going to marry. THEN... he says he has to go to his friends to "pick a little something up." He asks if I had any "cash" on me... I was taken aback and confused... I told him that I obviously hadn't stopped anywhere to exchange my money. He said, no probs that he would go to a cash machine. Turns out he bought AN 8 BALL OF COKE. Now... we had discussed drugs many times in conversations and I am quite liberal minded. I said that the one drug I couldn't understand was cocaine... that people turned into a**h***s on it. He agreed 100% and ranted and raved about how he hated cokeheads and that "everyone in f*ckin' England is a cokehead." So, it greatly threw me out of loop to see him snorting coke the rest of the night. He still maintained his lovey-dovey nature... then we wake up the next day.... all is changed. He seems paranoid, shallow, sharp. I spend the next few weeks on a rollercoaster ride... one minute he is all over me, the next he is distant and cold. I tried to tell myself that he was depressed and it was a phase because he seemed so nonchalant about the whole thing. One day he was at work and I was playing with his kitten when the kitten "found" a card that he had obviously tried to hide away. It was from a girl... a girl he had never mentioned. It was dated 1 month before I went to England (when we were in the "middle" of our correspondance). The girl had written that she "loved him" and he was "amazing" and that "she hoped his family was well" and that she "knew they would be together in 2006" - oh - and she was American as well. At that point I felt completely stupid and screwed over. I waited until he got home and gently confronted him by saying "the cat found this card... who's ____?" He got SUPER defensive and said that this girl was a "mentalist" and a "nutter" who just wanted him for drugs. I didn't know what to think. This guy had asked me to marry him... So... to sum up... I go back home to his "please, please come back here soon... get a work visa, anything." I told him that it was his turn to visit me and it meant everything to me that he meet my family as well. Well, there was excuse after excuse about money, etc.. He kept saying that he loved me, adored me, etc... To sum up... I bought him a VERY nice birthday present and sent it to him. When my birthday came round a month later, I didn't get even a card... just a text that said "happy birthday baby! Get super mashed up for me!" I wanted to scream. In the meantime, we had barely been in conversation. Whereas once he would text me at least 5 times in a day I was lucky to get a text a week. I just asked him to be upfront with me... to let me know how he felt because I was getting mixed signals. He told me that he loved me SO much but was SO confused with his dad and everything. I was sympathetic... then I woke up and asked him why he had been talking to so many other girls on MYSPACE (back to the old myspace quandry again)... he came up with some very lame excuse. The conclusion of this story is I WAS PLAYED. His father passed away almost 2 months ago and that was the last time I heard from him. He told me he loved me and then.... nothing. I have been on Myspace and, as horrible as it is, I can't stop looking at his profile. There are so many new girls that he is talking to. When I tried to message him, he ignored me. Nothing. I have deleted him from my friends list.... I just feel so betrayed and so used. I want to tell him that... but I am trying to be "kind" and "keep it to myself" as I don't want to be selfish right after his father died. I just don't understand why I couldn't get any closure... why he disappeared... was it coke? Is he an addict? I will never know.... I just feel that I am left all alone to pick up the pieces of my very broken heart. I had decided to love again, and I got burned... Has anyone had a similar situation? Will I ever be able to trust someone again? I can't seem to get passed this. Help??! Sorry this is so long!
Anastasiya Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 woah. im so sorry to hear that. while i was reading that it was like exactly what i was saying to myself, is it the coke or is he a commitment phobe?? i dont get it. i went through the same thing. back and forth with someone for a year. we broke up a couple times and i never knew what to make of it, it was so bizare the things he did. this last time he just changed his number, stopped talking to me, i did nothing to this guy but love him. i had heard from everyone he was a coke head but i have no idea how they act so i didnt know if it was that or something else? its like no closure you go nuts. i dont know im still trying to figure it out. it's like you are dealing with too people. they tell you they love you and want to be with you soooo bad, but their actions are just messed up.
Author Junebug24 Posted June 30, 2006 Author Posted June 30, 2006 SO true, Anastasiya... it is so painful. I fell so in love with this guy and it was at such a difficult time. I guess it is never easy with an addict, but I am glad I now know what I could have gotten into if I had ended up being with him for the long haul. It doesn't help the hurt - I feel like I am constantly blaming myself for something I did or didn't do... like you said, we are dealing with two different people - the public person and the private. Thank you so much for sharing your experience... how are you doing now?
Anastasiya Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 hey. im doing ok, but it's hard. i try to get my mind off of it but it's so hard. it's been a month since that happened and im still in shock. i loved this person soo much. i gave him my trust, my loyalty, would of done anything for him. he said he loved me so much that we were going to be together forever and he was so wonderful when we were together then bam. we made all these plans about life and what we wanted to do. then he can just walk away so easily and throw me away. its difficult. i dont know what to think. can coke really make someone do such cruel things to someone. its so crazy...
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