AnneShirley Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 I'm 29; I've been with my husband for 7 years, married for 4 of those 7. I am miserable. I know that some of my misery connects to my depression but I also know that a lot of my depression is a result of his lack of effort toward making this relationship sensational. He's a musician. His life is his band, though he has recently completed his master's degree. I am fine with that but it has become a whirlwind of relationship ignorance in my household. Our lives are completely made of things that are fine with him and my opinion means nothing. In the past, when I've offered ideas of things I would like to do, he either ignores my ideas or makes disparaging comments about how he is certain I am just choosing things that I know he does not want to do for maliciousness. This is so INCREDIBLY UNTRUE!!! I just want him to share in MY life too. I believe that he loves me - in his own way - but his further and further withdrawal from our life together has made me so depressed that I have almost become frigid in this relationship when sex used to be so much fun, and so important to me. In a nutshell, our relationship at this time consists of : me going to his gigs/practices, us sitting on the couch vegging in front of the t.v., and sex that is not really fulfilling to me anymore without the emotional intimacy we once shared. He has invested less and less emotional time into our relationship and as a result, the only communication we share is the result of arguments - which as I am sure you all know - may or may not be realistic communication as people say things in the heat of passion they may or may not mean. Statements he makes are those of "You are just trying to control me" - when HIS lack of interest is to me, the controlling factor - and - "Who can be interested in vanilla sex?" I have never thought our sex life was vanilla sex. On the contrary, until lately, we have had sex at least 5 times a week; we have engaged in threesomes and twosomes with other females, and it has only become "vanilla" recently because I am tired of putting up the investment for someone who offers nothing emotional in return. In fact, each time we have tried a new experience, he has assured me that if we could just lend a little more excitement to our relationship, he would come around full-circle again and each time, he has been the person I fell in love with for a week afterward and then resumes his old routines where he barely talks to me unless he wants to have sex. I believe, in my heart, that he has become so set in his selfish ways, that his idea of control is anyone who wants him to do something he does not want to do. He claims he doesn't want me to do ANYTHING I don't want to, but he also behaves as if he is unwilling to invest further interest in just-the-two-of-us. The problem is he never says, "I don't want to do this." Instead, he will just leave himself an "out" to everyone around us to keep from just saying NO. On things I have asked for in the past, he does this to me too. On other things, I am the only one of our friends and family to whom he has NO ISSUES in just saying NO except that he will then add the disparaging comment I listed above. I love this man. I believe he loves me. I want our relationship to work out but I believe that he is so wrapped in his beliefs - however misperceived/misconceived - that he refuses to believe he could be responsible for any of our issues - or maybe he's just so selfish, he just doesn't even care. I am angry inside because I do not believe this is all me. I have tried. His lackluster attitude toward our relationship and his seemingly "never-gonna-happen" promises are getting old. Sometimes, I feel like he is waiting for me to leave so that he doesn't have to, himself.
Guest Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 Poor you, I can soo sympathise with you, having been in a relationship like that myself. My ex too thought everything should be on his terms and in a way I still can't believe someone can be so selfish. But I suppose they don't see it that way. And the sad news is, I believe they never will. "Statements he makes are those of "You are just trying to control me" That too is so familiar. Everytime I had a genuine concern, he told me I was controlling. It's a great way to shut someone up, but in the end it's nothing else but a clear case of projection with the ultimate goal of avoiding responsibility. If you are not responsible, than you don't have to do/change anything, right? I can't do much else than empathise with you and hope someone else can give you useful advise. In regards to my ex, I concluded in the end that I could talk till I was blue in the face, but he was simply not going to listen. And as long as I kept trying to win an already lost battle, I basically let him get away with treating me like s****. So I left and cut him out of my life completely. It was the most difficult thing I ever had to do and the consequences for me were really bad, but I take great consolation from the fact I was strong and dignified enough to do so. It took the silly bugger 1,5 years of realising he wanted me back. Needless to say, I was not interested, having come to the realisation pretty soon after splitting up that my life was so much better without him, the fights and the ugly mindgames. No offence to the men on this website!, but I think men have difficulty thinking longterm. In social relationships, they do often not see the consequences their behaviour is going to have or the effect their behaviour has on other people. Not until they are being confronted with the negative consequences themselves and that's usually when it's too late. That explains why statistics show that 80% of women are glad to be out of the relationship two years after it ended (regardless who the dumper was) while 80% of men regret it. Not much use to you I know. Leaves me nothing but wishing you all the strength you need and deserve to get through it all. Hugs!
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