katherine123 Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 Ok, look here's my situation. I'm losing my boyfriend here cuz I am with him constantly and he told me he doesn't have any space and doesn't want me in his life anymore if that's the way it's gonna be bc he is completely miserable and has been for the past couple months cuz things havent changed. We work together at the same place the same days and time, but not in the same part of the building and we get 4 breaks a night. Ok here's the time we spend together. At work we normally spend 30-45 min together for breaks and we ride home to and from work together sometimes which is about another 30-45 min a day 1-3 days a week. then i spend two nights a week at his apt. (go there between 6pm-10pm) and leave between 9am-10am. and the other 2 days i might pop up at his apt and spend anywhere from a couple hrs to staying the night. (by the way, he gave me a key to his apt. a couple weeks after we started dating and we've been together about 6 months.) We talked the other morning about maybe being friends and all, but it doesnt seem either one of us really wants that. i mean he told me sees me more than he sees his family and friends and they live just as close to him as i do!!! Please, I need to change drastically if i want to be able to hold to any part of this relationship which i do, but i cant seem to find out what seems to be the best amt of time to spend with each other a week cuz of the situation. the first few months we had a great relationship, but we've been having probs for several months now. i need advice ASAP.
Lovegod Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 I'm losing my boyfriend here cuz I am with him constantly and he told me he doesn't have any space and doesn't want me in his life anymore if that's the way it's gonna be bc he is completely miserable and has been for the past couple months cuz things havent changed. This probably isn't entirely your problem, and it's gonna sound a bit messy... He tries to keep you happy by seeing you whenever you want. He doesn't tell you when he's got other things planned, but cancels them so he doesn't have to say a form of "no" to you. He probably thinks saying "no" will piss you off, so he sacrifices his time for your happiness. Now, he feels like you're smothering him because he can't say "I'm busy doing xxx on that day." Encourage him to let you know when he's busy with something, and assure him that you won't be upset if he has other plans.
Author katherine123 Posted June 30, 2006 Author Posted June 30, 2006 OMG!!! You are so totally right!! i had let him know i was coming over on sunday night and had left him a note reminding him when i left his apt. on sunday morning when he was asleep, but he forgot about it and made plans to go out with his friends that night when they called him about 8pm when i was gone (i didnt come back until almost 10pm). when i got there, instead of telling me about the plans he made, he didnt say anything and didnt answer his phone when it rang when apparently his friends kept calling him (didnt ask him why he didnt answer it cuz didnt want to pry). he ended up telling me monday morning about it and i told him he could have told me and i wouldnt have gotten pissed off if he wanted to go out cuz he doesnt spend a lot of time with his friends, but he said "yeah right" and "I know I don't" and that it wouldnt have been right to leave me alone at his apt. although i have my own place and could have gone home or even stayed and watched tv or got on the web at his apt. & waited until he got home if i wanted to. come to think of it, the only time i can remember that he has ever told me that he has plans is when i had told him i had plans to go out with my friends one night and he told me he was going out with his friends too. however i didnt go out with my friends that night cuz they blew me off so i stayed at his apt. by myself & watched tv and he got pissed at me bc he thought i was coming to the same place he was and he had wanted me to meet his friends cuz at this point i hadnt and acted like i did something wrong just like when he didnt go out on sunday and was acting like it was my fault that he didnt tell me. I think if anything we seem to have a huge communication problem cuz he has actually never told me not to come over to his apartment or that he has plans elsewhere. He told me that he's being really accomadating (sorrie spelling) to me. his ex-gfs acted pissy if he made plans so he's told me he knows im going to disappoint him just like they did and that its just a matter of time. i just dont know what to do at this point.
Lovegod Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 The only way I could see you helping him is to ENCOURAGE him to spend time with his friends or doing some of his hobbies. Let him know that he needs to have some time to himself to enjoy all the things that bring him pleasure (other than you). Today's society has taught men that it's wrong to have a life while having a girlfriend. The truth is, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having both. Good luck with this.
Author katherine123 Posted June 30, 2006 Author Posted June 30, 2006 I'm not sure exactly how I can encourage him. When we first started dating he was up front about the fact that he wasn't planning on being totally accomodating but since we've been together, it seems that he's being nothing but accomodating for me. He said he had goals and stuff for his life and that he wasn't expecting me to come into his life now and that I'm preventing him from accomplishing anything. Things had started out (w/h the exception of work) with us spending as much time together then as now. He has never told me he doesnt want me to come over or anything like that and I want him to be honest, but dont know how to tell him w/o sounding critical or like its his fault we have problems bc he doesnt tell me no. (He's 28 & I'm 22) It's like he is trying so hard to make sure I'm happy in our relationship that he's becoming resentful towards me and is trying to make me as miserable as he is. I'd be willing to give him both bc I would expect the same courtesy.
Lovegod Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 I want him to be honest, but dont know how to tell him w/o sounding critical or like its his fault we have problems bc he doesnt tell me no. (He's 28 & I'm 22) Yeah, it can be tough getting that message through. Just tell him that he doesn't have to put his life on hold for you and leave it on that. Pull back a bit on the amount of time you spend with him. If you're spending too little time with him, he'll let you know.
Author katherine123 Posted June 30, 2006 Author Posted June 30, 2006 I was thinking about just spending two nights a week with him and then us each doing our own thing at work on break with our friends. I guess the only thing Im worried about is because he's been so non-vocal about problems we have until he tells me that he thinks we need time apart or that we should break up bc he doesnt get time to himself, that he wont tell me if he thinks im not spending enough time with him. its like the feeling of being screwed either way.
Lovegod Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 its like the feeling of being screwed either way. You just have to find the right balance with things like this. Too little time will cause him to wonder why you're backing off. Too much time will cause him to feel smothered. Right in the middle is where things should be for the both of you. Try finding the middle ground instead of going to the other extreme. He'll let you know if you're going too far in the other direction.
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