wallace82 Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 I was seeing this girl for about 9 months. I'm 37 and she's 23. The age gap was never really a problem for either of us at first (I have never been married and have no kids, so our lives are similar in a lot of ways). Anyway, we had a great relationship in so many ways, but there was some concern about her being where she was in life. She would joke that she wasn't "done" yet (like a cake in the center). So, she did break up with me about a month ago. She said it was all about her "finding herself" and being "comfortable" in her own skin. She says that she has always been dating someone for the last 10 years of her life, and she doesn't want to be a "girlfriend" anymore, she wants to live "her" life for a while. I 100 percent support her, and I would never get in her way of growing as a person. She has told me that she cares for me deeply but, feels she needs to be more "solid" before she can be in a real committed relationship and really give back to someone like myself. She has said that she can definitely see us back together at a better time in the future and that she would love that, and that she believes I would be a perfect partner for life. So, I'm leaving her 100 percent alone, because I feel for her to be truly "single", I need to not be bugging her. My gut feeling is that she will be back in the picture at some point, because of how much she has loved me up to this point. The problem is that I feel alone in my dealing with this "break up", because this is not a typical break up. It has ended in a healthy, loving and beautiful way. It ended with a "until then..." kind of ending. I am having a hard time "processing" this break up because it doesn't ultimately feel like "the end". I feel like lost like I'm in a fog. How does someone move on when both people think that there might still be a future? Do I wait for her, at least in my heart?
Lovegod Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 Your biggest problem isn't the age gap, but HER age. She's 23 and feels the need to "live life" before that goddam biological clock starts ticking. but there was some concern about her being where she was in life. She would joke that she wasn't "done" yet (like a cake in the center). So, she did break up with me about a month ago. She said it was all about her "finding herself" and being "comfortable" in her own skin. The whole "I have to find myself" line is complete bull5hit. She wants to go out and f*** other guys before she settles down. She has said that she can definitely see us back together at a better time in the future and that she would love that, and that she believes I would be a perfect partner for life. She said this to ease your feelings. Listen to her actions, not her words. She's not with you. She's not f***ing you. If you were so goddam valuable, why isn't she with you now? If you find a gold coin, you don't throw it away and hope that you'll find it later! My gut feeling is that she will be back in the picture at some point, because of how much she has loved me up to this point. You use the word "love" in the past tense. She doesn't love you NOW. Love cannot be turned on and off like a light switch. It fades in and out. Her love for you faded out. ATTRACTION ISN'T A CHOICE. The problem is that I feel alone in my dealing with this "break up", because this is not a typical break up. It has ended in a healthy, loving and beautiful way. It ended with a "until then..." kind of ending. Now that you've given me the nice and happy Disney version, I'm gonna give you the no-s***, real-life version.... She left you holding your dick in your hands while she f***s whoever she wants. Now, suppose one of the guys she's f***ing decides to marry her. They get married, have kids together, and live their own lives. Then, there's you, dick still in your hand wondering when she's gonna come back. Then, you get old and die. What a waste. How does someone move on when both people think that there might still be a future? Do I wait for her, at least in my heart? Life is short. Wait for nothing. A woman who truly love you won't toss you aside to satisfy a craving for sex with other men. A woman who truly loves you will make sure that other women won't have a chance to get you. She'll want to keep you all to herself.
jerbear Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 I blunt as lovegod is, I agree with the post. @ 37 & 23 It is not the age. Some women prefer older men and she just lost interests. Don't wait for anyone, do your own thing. If you keep on waiting you may be sorely disappointed.
gfto Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 this is not a typical break up. Oh yes it is. How does someone move on when both people think that there might still be a future? Do I wait for her, at least in my heart? Contrary to what she told you, she does not see a future with you. She lost interest. The woman always says this just to soften the blow. Don't wait for her. The key to moving on is to find someone new. After all, that's what she's doing.
hannah_eve Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 So, I'm leaving her 100 percent alone, because I feel for her to be truly "single", I need to not be bugging her. My gut feeling is that she will be back in the picture at some point, because of how much she has loved me up to this point. The problem is that I feel alone in my dealing with this "break up", because this is not a typical break up. It has ended in a healthy, loving and beautiful way. It ended with a "until then..." kind of ending. I am having a hard time "processing" this break up because it doesn't ultimately feel like "the end". I feel like lost like I'm in a fog. How does someone move on when both people think that there might still be a future? Do I wait for her, at least in my heart? I was involved in a similar situation recently when my bf and I broke up. He initiated the break up and kinda forced me to end it.... as they do. I found this forum and used NC yeh I broke it on the 9th day once but I was strong after that. Anyway after 4 days he was calling me asking if I'd been with anyone, are guys trying to pick me up etc etc and that maybe we could get back in two months while he has his "space" Well I made it very clear to him that he (and no one for that matter) can have their cake and eat it too. You do not have to wait for her because she will not be waiting for you if she is saying she wants to be "single". Tell her she can't put you on the shelf until she is ready to pick you up again... trust me it will make her think. The jealousy will get the better of her and it will be highly likely that she will come crawling back. Well it worked for me... but get out there and party because if she truly loves you the minute you begin feeling better the phone will ring.
Guest Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 This is in response to the 'phone will ring' episode. With all due respect, it hasn't quite, but the d/o of all things was appreciated. [!] My 'boyfirend' ended things with me over the phone. He has told me in many direct ways that he is too caught up in life to endeavor in a serious r/s. Well I suppose my himming and hawwing didn't help with trying to get my job, life on track. Some'thing I realize he just didn't equate with life's issues. Since he'd somewhat done so, my episodes or realizations of how quickly 'things' happen in his life or ongoing have changed my viewpoint of what where and how. He is gone for time sake, [his] and taking care I imagine. Great. I wish him well, and unfortunately< I have to disagree with his outlook. It wasn't mine per se, but after living it the past few months, I now realize why the late nite episodes of his this past wkend and the last. I certainly cannot dictate his life and he apparently has chosen to live his life as he so choses. I was ok with this earliere but had I voiced some boundaries. Do your own thing and not on my life. He overstepped them. THen justified as to why. Well, that being, and since my requests I felt were not questioned or deeply respected by him I must allow time and reason to follow thru w/mine, now. Although this will affect me directly, I presume I will see him from time to time. But I cannot allow my heart to continue on this avenue as such since I withheld and watched his response. There were tears and fears. He responded lovingly but also moved on I see. Regardless if he sees this as a test or reason to get over, it has indeed done so. I don't hold malice as this is not my value of him or us but truthfully I have witnessed his true colors and felt and deeply believed it would be a matter of time before I would be in too deep to return. I feel sad and torn by this all. He is out and about, and this will allow me to gather up the strength to carry on whether it is to see him or bide the time until he goes altogether on his own. I am sorry to say, I had hopes that he instilled a different outlook for us but, now I see I was just another quest for his need and/or life of his. Basically I owe much to him for 'opening' up my stupidity and shallow viewpoints in small matters. He is quite an amazing individual, but again, I withheld myself for so long believing I must and did project uneasiness, but being a mature one I value the stability a r/s can offer than a fly by nite. I adore him. I hope he can recipricate the same. He will never know how I love his silly but sensual loving intrigue. He will remain very special and close close and my heart. Am I wrong to want the best for him also? Or am I jumping to conclusions? Really? Do I tell him, over the phone, or wait till he returns from his vacation since mention of the holiday upcoming I believe may not be as planned or told, I know differently now, I really do. you know what I mean. He tried, I felt I did, but this one again hurts and it would be just a mattter of time before he dumps the whole thing again. Risky, yeah? Hmmm. Oh well, maybe the sparks flew before I had the chance to really show and tell. Difference of opinion? I bet it shows in all colors, folks. And I do look foreward to it. Happy 4th, you all.
daphne Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 Wallace, I recommend you read the book Stop your divorce. It doesn't just apply to marriages and it was a real eye opener about relationships. When I was her age, I was with a guy who wanted to get married. I had already been divorced so I wasn't ready to settle down again. Especially since the marriage was so awful. That being said, I wouldn't have let the ex go if I had known he was the one. When people are willing to walk away and lose you, they are telling you that they don't think you're the one. You need to remind her that she's not getting you back. Anything less will not get you the end result.
Pantero Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 I'm sorry, my friend, but there's no coming or going back...
Max Overclock Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 The whole "I have to find myself" line is complete bull5hit. She wants to go out and f*** other guys before she settles down. Life is short. Wait for nothing. A woman who truly love you won't toss you aside to satisfy a craving for sex with other men. A woman who truly loves you will make sure that other women won't have a chance to get you. She'll want to keep you all to herself. THIS IS A CLASSIC POST! Well put. Move on for your own heart's sake. I lived a similar situation to this story ... don't do as I did. Wash your hands. True love cannot find you while you're hung up on a fantasy.
Mary3 Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 Your biggest problem isn't the age gap, but HER age. She's 23 and feels the need to "live life" before that goddam biological clock starts ticking. The whole "I have to find myself" line is complete bull5hit. She wants to go out and f*** other guys before she settles down. She said this to ease your feelings. Listen to her actions, not her words. She's not with you. She's not f***ing you. If you were so goddam valuable, why isn't she with you now? If you find a gold coin, you don't throw it away and hope that you'll find it later! You use the word "love" in the past tense. She doesn't love you NOW. Love cannot be turned on and off like a light switch. It fades in and out. Her love for you faded out. ATTRACTION ISN'T A CHOICE. Now that you've given me the nice and happy Disney version, I'm gonna give you the no-s***, real-life version.... She left you holding your dick in your hands while she f***s whoever she wants. Now, suppose one of the guys she's f***ing decides to marry her. They get married, have kids together, and live their own lives. Then, there's you, dick still in your hand wondering when she's gonna come back. Then, you get old and die. What a waste. Life is short. Wait for nothing. A woman who truly love you won't toss you aside to satisfy a craving for sex with other men. A woman who truly loves you will make sure that other women won't have a chance to get you. She'll want to keep you all to herself. Very Well said !!!
Mary3 Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 I'm sorry, my friend, but there's no coming or going back... Right On !
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