Tina Posted November 22, 2001 Posted November 22, 2001 Mainly in response to Ed's post about how I should give him a good tongue lashing over his ex coming to sell him a quilt, I wouldn't risk it right now because I don't want to provoke any arguements or disagreements that might result in me not coming to see him. I don't know if I said it before, but I've never been to his place before and when we were together he was in the city where I was working. Part of me is really curious to see how he really lives and what is behind the man. It's one thing to here him tell me how it is over the phone and another to be there, so I don't want to risk screwing up any chance of visiting him. That's why I'm minimalizing this thing to him. Last night he made a comment to be that went like this: "Wow I can't believe how resonable you have become. The change is amazing!" I just laughed casually and said that I couldn't see any reasons to start arguements with him and that it was a waste of energy. and no, I didn't ask him if he had told his ex that I was coming for the holidays, he told me himself that he had told her he needed the quilts for his kids. In the past his ex had always wanted to meet his children, but he never wanted it and now he is so excited about me meeting his daughter. Am I playing this the right way?
Laurynn Posted November 22, 2001 Posted November 22, 2001 I understand you're not wanting to start an argument, particularly when it's a long distance relationship and you fear it will cause him to not want you to come and visit...but come on now.....if you can't be open and honest and communicate your feelings with him, is that really a relationship? If he's so fickle that a discussion about this is going to make him change his mind about you spending Christmas with him, how serious/stable of a relationship do you really have? I find the whole quilt thing strange. He says he and ex are done and over with, that he hasn't seen her for 6 months, but he doesn't want to tell her about you because she's sensitive? Hello?! That's strange. Surely if they haven't been in contact for that many months, since "breaking up", she must know he's gone on with his life and is likely seeing someone. It's not like he broke up with her one week, then started seeing you the next. I'd be very choked, and leary of a boyfriend who wasn't straight with his ex where I was concerned. What's the true motivation for his wanting to keep things a secret? If anything, he should be happy to let people know (ex included) that his life is going good and he's found someone he cares about. Did you say that they talk off and on? (sorry, too lazy to go back and read your original post)......Yes, exes can remain friends.....but by the same token, if they are simply friends then he should have no qualms or difficulties letting his friend know that he's got someone in his life and that she's coming to visit him for the holidays. He should be proud and excited to tell her, just as she should be happy for him. The comment he made to you: "Wow I can't believe how reasonable you have become. The change is amazing!" I don't get what this was in reference to. I thought you didn't really discuss the whole ex/quilt thing? How long have you 2 been dating? I think I'd take offense to someone telling me I've changed/become more reasonable.....for that implies that up until then, I've always been unreasonable. Or have you been? I wouldn't set foot on a plane/train/bus, etc to go spend your holidays with him until you get this off your chest. At least discuss with him why his ex is so sensitive/that he doesn't want to tell her about you. Hate to upset you, but how do you know they don't still get together? How would you know if you live here and he lives there? L
midori Posted November 22, 2001 Posted November 22, 2001 Am I playing this the right way? Oh dear, if you have to ask this question I'd say there are major problems in your relationship with this man. I don't want to sound like a broken record, but holding your anger in check, or not asking questions that are perfectly reasonable to ask, means that a) you're not being authentic in the relationship and b) you're having to constrict yourself and shut yourself up. Neither bodes well. In fact your guy anticipated that you'd be upset about the ex-gf/quilt thing -- probably because he's aware that it is a sketchy scenario. Incidentally: 1) why must he obtain quilts from his ex? Especially if he's BUYING them (as I think your earlier post mentioned), it seems like a store would be a better source. 2) why hasn't he told her about his relationship with you? Not cool to maintain any kind of relationship with her if he's not willing to openly acknowledge your role in his life. If she can't handle him being with someone else, they shouldn't be in touch AT ALL, because she's not ready to be his friend. [i cannot for the life of me figure out why people seem to think that as a rule they can and should be friends with their exes. Why do so few people seem to appreciate the fact that if you're forced to deliberately hide important pieces of your life from someone because they'd be unhappy at your happiness, they are not your friend?] 3) why has he decided that now it's ok for his ex to meet his kids? Doesn't sound good to me.
Laurynn Posted November 22, 2001 Posted November 22, 2001 She'd written: ". In the past his ex had always wanted to meet his children, but he never wanted it and now he is so excited about me meeting his daughter." Maybe I'm wrong but I took this to mean that in his past relationship with this ex, he didn't allow her to meet his children...but with Tina, he does want Tina to meet his daughter, so that's a good thing. L
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