jessssss Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 i don't know what to do. my bf and i who have a house together and have talked about getting married next year...had a fight last night. turned into him saying soemthing rude to me so i attacked his work, his new job, and how i didn't think it'd take him anywhere. i f***ed up. i shouldn't have said it caue i do support him and i have been and i've shown him voer the past few weeks...but isaid it...now he's pissed. he ended up leaving and driving around...i think went and talked to his mom. he came home and said that his mom said i was being childish and obviously sided wit him...now i'll nev3er be able to see her...ever...again if i ever get the chance. so he told me it was over and he was packing his stuff and getting out...leaving me with a house nad a house payemtn that i can't make alone. he's ruining our lives by doing this. he's really really mad at me... he wouldn't tell me i love you thsi morning on my way out hte door, he slept on teh couch. so i assked him if he did and he said that of course he did but we have a lot to talk about doesh e want to talk about splitting up our stuff or how we can fix thigns or what?? i'm so scared. i have no one in this city but my job...no girls that are friends all the guys i've met are his friends...i'm scared to death. i dont' want to lose him he's the love of my life..i've never ever cared abotu someone so much as i do him. not even my exhusband... can anyone help me??
Walk Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 Hey Jess. Sorry to hear the two of you are still having problems. Not sure if this would help, or how to go about it... but you might want to point out to him all your actions that show you support his decision to change jobs. And all of the things you've done to attempt to make him happier and more comfortable the last few months. All he's hearing were the words you said, and he's going to see only those things that back those up. Remind him of the million other things you've done that prove the opposite. Write a list, or tell him on the phone, or leave a message. Don't do it in a "I'm right, your wrong" kind of way. But with sincere regret for saying what you did in the heat of the argument, and that you would hope that your actions would stand in place of those words.
Walk Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 Why were the two of you arguing in the first place? And what did he say to you that sent you so over the top? Does't really sound like you to say something really hurtful without being provoked.
Pink Amulet Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 It's sounds like he had the night to cool down a bit and not take such extreme action. His words in the morning seem to imply more of a "yes I love you, but if this is going to work we have to have the talk"... I wouldn't start the break up talk yet. It sounds like a fairly minor argument in the scheme of how much you too have invested in the relationship. You said you did support his choices and your words were only a result of anger... tell him this. Make sure when you do tell him, you are not in tears, and you are not taking a pleading tone of voice (it sounds more like "please don't leave me" than "I didn't mean what I said".) I hope things get better for you. Also, I just read your other thread about the myspace account. I wouldn't worry about those other girls. Talk to him about it later if it is still bothering you... he sounds trustworthy, put some faith in his love for you and stop snooping!
Author jessssss Posted June 30, 2006 Author Posted June 30, 2006 thanks yall...well first of all, walk you asked what started the arguement...the damn california trip...he's going and i made a comment how i wished he didn't ahve to go and just wanted him to say that he wished the same thing but he didn't and got irritated at me cause i'm dwelling on teh fact he's leaving for one whole week, yeah, whoopee, i know...anyway when he got mad at me for bringing it up again and told me that i had trust issues and just said some rude remarks...he hadn't eaten all day and was in an ill mood-i should have known not to even bring it up especally since he was trying to rest after a long day and no eating and dnner wasn't ready. i said what i said out of pure anger, i didn't like what he said to me so i watned to "get back at him" and i nkow that's wrong but it was in teh heat of the moment. i ran home to get some thigns i forgot for work this morn, he was stll sleeping so i went to make sure his alarm on his phone was set since he was in the living room...he woke up and said we needed to talk and thigns are going to have to change but then stuck his arms out for a hug...then he hugged me and just held me close...i told him i loved him nad he said he loved me...i told him i was genuinely sorry for what i said, that i would think he woudl know better than to believe me, that i was trying to hurt him like he hurt me and i know that was wrong...then he said he knew and hugged me more and then kissed me. we had the best last 3 weeks that itt was amazing...it's like this has been building because of the myspace thing in my head, him leaving for a week...by the way, he's going with another girl that just started work there, just the two of them, for a whoel week in california...a mini vacation is all i can think abut and i'm awful for that...he's going for business. he didn't choose to go there...i just hate it all..i wish i could be a better person and not worry so much about other girls...he told me that he would never cheat on me (everyone says that, i know)and i believe him but i always carry those what ifs in my head...just a huge fault tht i have. so it's going better. he's already said he's not doing anyting tonight so atleast i know he'l be home and we'll have the talk... one thing i don't know what to do abut...when eh left last night to cool off...what if he went to his mom's and bitched to her about all this...i know she's not going to like me now...he's her baby boy and i'm being rude to him...i'm sure she didn't get the whole story, just his. how will i ever face her? i'm hoping he didn't go to her house...but his comment about how he alreayd talked to his mom about me nad him and that she thinks i'm being a child...that crushes me...i know she's going to say whatever to protect her son but she's also the type to call his brother, sister, sister-n-law, everyone...so it's throughout hte family and stories just get more dramatic the more they are told. i'm partly embarassed. i'll have to find out where he went last night-i really hope it was to his buddy's place...not his mom's...ugh...what shoudl il do about that???
ashnicole Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 You're one of those people that says things to hurt people when you're feeling like you're being attacked - this is one reason that I refuse to talk about anything when I'm angry, because all that's going to come of it is hurt feelings. I'm a pretty vindictive bitch when I'm angry about something, and a fight just helps push that feeling right along... I stab people with my words, and it hurts. Next time, I would advise you not to say anything until you've calmed down... take a few minutes to relax, breathe deep, THEN talk.
Author jessssss Posted June 30, 2006 Author Posted June 30, 2006 i know i need to do that ashnicole, i try but it took me over this time. the bad part is he's the same way...if i make a stab at him, he makes one at me, that heats us both up so it just gets worse...we always laugh about it later but at teh time...we are so serious...atleast we acknowledge it. but i am working on teh calming down before rattling off crap that i don't mean. i wish he would do the same....he said he's going to try
ashnicole Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 i know i need to do that ashnicole, i try but it took me over this time. the bad part is he's the same way...if i make a stab at him, he makes one at me, that heats us both up so it just gets worse...we always laugh about it later but at teh time...we are so serious...atleast we acknowledge it. but i am working on teh calming down before rattling off crap that i don't mean. i wish he would do the same....he said he's going to try It looks like that's going to be your best option from here. Sure, laughing about it later is neat and all... but at the time, you're only saying things to hurt eachother... that doesn't sound like a very healthy part of the relationship at all. I would say get counseling or something, but I think this needs to be something that both of you work on together. The next time you get into it, and you want to say something to hurt him, just imagine what YOU feel like when he does that to you... maybe that will help.
Author jessssss Posted June 30, 2006 Author Posted June 30, 2006 yeah, i'[m really going to work on that...he needs to as well, i'm going to include that in the talk tonight... so i said how thigns went better when i saw him at like 8 before he was to get up for work...well, he kissed me and said he loved me and bye...then said he'd call me - he always calls when he gets to work but didn't and still hasn't called and it's now 12...should i text him and ask how his day is going? should i wait for him?? i'm wanting to be better but i don't know what is the right thing to do? i'm so scared about all of this. i know i can't take back my words and i know it's hard for him not to focus on waht i said...but he said rude things to me too and i'm not bringing them up, i guess because i've never said waht i said to him- i told him his stupid job wasn't taking him anywhere... any more help is more than welcome...i don't want to screw this up. do i text or not??
Lovegod Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 my bf and i who have a house together IMO, that was your first mistake. You should've waited to see if you and him were at least compatible (and even married) before you got financially involved with each other. turned into him saying soemthing rude to me so i attacked his work, his new job, and how i didn't think it'd take him anywhere. i f***ed up. You attacked his credibility as a man and a human being. I hope you apologized for that. All he's hearing were the words you said, and he's going to see only those things that back those up. Remind him of the million other things you've done that prove the opposite. Write a list, or tell him on the phone, or leave a message. Men thrive on words, not actions. An apology and admitting she was wrong will get her farther than reminding him of good stuff she did in the past. One good apology should do it. If you pursue the matter more, it will only become irritating.
Author jessssss Posted June 30, 2006 Author Posted June 30, 2006 yes, i apologized. i have never said anything that hurtful to him, i always bite my tongue on thigns that i know will really hurt his feelings. i know i was wrong and i apologized and he accepted. he said we have a lot of work ahead of us if we want us to work...BOTH of us do. the thing i don't understand is he can snap at me and make a rude comment or attack my job or something but if i do it he can get all mad and say he doesn't think we're going to last and then if i'm the one being talked rude to by him in a fight, it's okay and if i say we're not goign to last to him then he doesn't take me seriously...i get overly emotional...i shouldn't have said what i said. i think this has been building and building. i'm ill at teh fact he's leaving for a week and going with his new smoke buddy at work (girl our age but she does have a bf) and they will be the only ones from his company gonig...for a week...just them...you know tehy will hang out the whole time...maybe it's my insecurities coming out...wondering if he will end up liking her or experiment to see if he's missing out on something...see how my mind thinks?? I cant' help it...i trust him with everythign i have...i dont' trust her...does that make sense?? i haven't even met her and she just started work with him on monday but they are already smoke buddies????!! this ismy big issue and that's prob why i blew up so bad at him last night....
Lovegod Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 see how my mind thinks?? Yes, and you're no different from most women. You have learn to trust him in situations like this. If you can't trust him, you shouldn't be with him. He will make his choice. If he honestly loves you, he won't f*** around on you. the thing i don't understand is he can snap at me and make a rude comment or attack my job or something but if i do it he can get all mad and say he doesn't think we're going to last You both are having the same problem. What the hell is up with each other's jobs? Are you both elephant s***-shovellers for the circus or something? I'd suggest you two go for relationship counselling before your relationship turns more sour than it already is. It doesn't sound like it's completely destroyed, but it's badly damaged. Once it gets to be completely destroyed, there will be nothing left to save. If counselling doesn't work, end the relationship.
Author jessssss Posted June 30, 2006 Author Posted June 30, 2006 yeah, we've had problems and we're making headway slowly but surely...it's going to take work. on both of our parts. i dont' want to give into the counselling yet myself, i honestly feel we aren't that far yet....i say yet loosely. hoping not to get to yet. we'll see how tonight's talk goes.
ashnicole Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 What the hell is up with each other's jobs? Are you both elephant s***-shovellers for the circus or something? LMAO!! This made me laugh... hard.
Lovegod Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 i dont' want to give into the counselling yet myself, i honestly feel we aren't that far yet When something goes wrong with your car, do you just leave it for a while and hope the problem goes away or fixes itself? If you do this, the problem can get worse, other things will start to go wrong, and the car will be an expensive mess to fix. It can get to a point where it's much more worth it to purchase a new vehicle instead of fixing the old one. Relationships are much the same way. Fix the problems before they get worse. Smaller problems can be fixed without help, but the larger ones will require a professional. It's up to you and your bf to figure out if you have a small problem, or a big problem. They should all be taken care of quickly before they get worse. And if by some chance you got a lemon, get rid of it!
Author jessssss Posted June 30, 2006 Author Posted June 30, 2006 i don't think i have a lemon...and i think we'll determine if our problem is small or large tonight. i've given up a lot for this man and it scares the hell out of me to think it was all a waste...tehre is a reason for everything...just wish i knew the reason we got together and the reason we have the house and why we're fighting. i have a lot to work on, iv'e had this on my mind all day at work. i'm going to have to change soem things and he is too. he knows he is going to have to he has already said. it's going to be so hard and i dont' want to screw up one time and then him just blow up and leave cause he thinks it's not working. it's going to take time...i'm gonig to have to quit with teh nagging. no one wants a nagging girlfriend who asks questions and wants to know your every freakin move...i'm also bad about trusting other people and their intentions with my bf...how can i work on that?? how can i trust someone?? all i think about is how he's at work with her and hangs out with her all day long (he's at work, i'm sureh e's working but in my head he's just chillin with her) then he comes home and is exhausted...eats dinner with me and then watch a few shows and he reverts to playing his online game that he loves and i go to bed...she gets more time with him than i do! i'm jealous about that...i dont' know how to get over it...i dont' even nkow what she looks like, he's only known her since monday and look hwo bad i am...it's all my fault...i see that now.
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