Forces Wife Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 Hi, I posted a message a while ago because my husband had "internet relationships" whilst serving alone in Cyprus for 6 months. He said he started chatting to people online because he was bored, and it escalated because the women he was talking to were having a hard time and he wanted to make them feel better about themselves, safe in the knowledge he'd never meet them. He's adamant that the things he said meant nothing and that it's not a reflection on our marriage. We've been to see a counsellor, which is where it all gets messy.... I found some of the chat history, and he can't remember saying what he said. He agrees that what is on there sounds like what he'd say if he was trying to make someone feel good, so does believe he wrote it all, but just can't remember it, and is actually sickened by some of it. Spoke to the counsellor who says he has a classic case of emotional detachment brought on by stressful situations and the fact he had a very traumatic event in his life when he was aged about 5, and many subsequent traumatic events due to army life that he's seen counsellors for and they taught him to "file" the thoughts properly so they don't come back.... She said that when he has an extremely stressful situation he creates an emotional fantasy land to escape into. So, where does that leave me? The counsellor said that in some ways it shows how strong our marriage is because he never does anything like this when he's with me, but I'm worried about what we'll find out because he's been away a lot in the past... what else has he done that he doesn't remember? He's going to see a psychiatrist at the end of July (earliest appt he could get). The trouble is, I still feel really betrayed - I've read what he's said to some of these women and it's really playing on my mind that he could say those things to someone else - it hurts. I can't get my head round the fact that I've known him for over 10 years, we've had a really secure marriage and that this could still happen. Surely on some level he knew what he was doing was wrong and a betrayal... I just don't know how I'll come to terms with it all, or what to do next. We can't see the counsellor for another couple of weeks as she's on holiday, and I don't know how to deal with it in the meantime. Well weird, I know, but any input would be appreciated. Thanks
Outcast Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 You have a counsellor telling both of you that his behaviour is due to trauma. It's a form of mental ailment. He was not 'himself' when he did what he did and therefore there's no need to feel 'betrayed'. Just as you're not yourself when you have PMS and may say things you don't really mean and would not say if you were in your right mind. You must understand that it's the same for him times ten. He didn't do it while thinking about you and knowing it would hurt you. He was confused and befuddled. It's almost too bad that people don't look 'nuts' when they're suffering mental ailments but because they look normal, people around them continue to have expectations that are only fair to have of normal people. He is sorry for what he did and needs your support while he heals.
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