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What are the guidelines for contact with exes?


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Posted

Argh! I find myself in yet another situation dealing with a boyfriend's ex. WTF is going on with people staying "friends" with exes?

 

I just found out my boyfriend talks to an ex every few weeks. And has for the past year. I didn't know that. He never mentioned it.

 

Okay, so what does everyone think?

 

No contact ever? Let your SO know when talking to an ex? How much contact is appropriate?

 

I'd rather have no contact, ever. That's why they are exes. But it's hard to find a guy that doesn't have one lurking around contacting him, or him contacting her to say "hi."

 

Maybe I am just overly jealous and untrusting....or maybe I'm sick of dealing with exes...Just wondering what the guidelines should be.

 

And how do you bring the whole issue up with a potential boyfriend? Do you ask about exes? I'd rather gouge my eyes out than do that, but I don't want to be involved with anyone who has an ex as a "friend."

Posted
Do you ask about exes? I'd rather gouge my eyes out than do that, but I don't want to be involved with anyone who has an ex as a "friend."

 

Yes I have asked in casual conversation upon meeting potential LTR partners.

 

and simply do not get involved with those that keep an X then.

 

I have yet to see where it turns out good for any of those involved. I am sure there are a handful of cases where they all get along, but usually the X or the current interest you have has some other motive or is still having an EA with one another.

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Posted

Yes, that's EXACTLY what I mean. I agree with everything you said.

 

Now, what about the potential new guy who doesn't currently talk to an ex, but is contacted later into the relationship? What if he decides to contact her?

 

What do you think about setting up guidelines to handle that? And what should they be?

Posted

Yes you should have guidelines in place in any relationship.

 

Probably the best way to bring it up is to talk about how dealing with it in the past made you feel. In a casual manner.

 

We had a problem for a few months with a psycho X of my husbands..... he nipped it in the bud. Or did his best to do so......

 

I myself have to deal with my X now because of mutual investments and business arrangements... however these are out front with my H.

 

We even all had dinner together this past week...... which sucked more for me than either of them I think. My situation is probably a bit abnormal as it does not involve children just business and will end once those ties are cut. Regardless it is a minor negative impact on our marriage.

Posted

Ugh, I know what you mean. My ex boyfriend, used to talk to his ex wife. An ex wife who he had no children with. I knew I couldn't deal with it. He lied about it too. He said he wouldn't and he always did. In the end I was labeled the jealous girlfriend. You can't negotiate your feelings or stand on it. A therapist always said to me, "Whether you are right or wrong, it's your feeling and it needs to be acknowledged."

Posted

Good luck with the "guidelines" on who your SO can or can not have contact with

 

You can't control who your significant other is friends with. If they say they're just friends, you're going to have to live with that if you trust them.

 

I knew my girlfriend had male friends, and talked with them including an ex boyfriend. I did not forbid her, and she did not forbid me from speaking with ex girlfriends. AFAIK neither of us cheated, and perhaps ironically now we still have phone contact even though we broke up

 

Seems like there is a lot of "staying friends with exes" in this circle, and as far as I know it has not caused any problems

Posted

It is ok to keep in occasional short contact with an ex under certain conditions.

1. Do not talk about the past. this includes not apologizing for mistakes you might have made in the relationship and not accusing or bringing up things they did.

2. Do not talk about prospects of getting back together.

3. keep your current love lives private from each other. don't ask your ex if she's dating anyone. don't tell her that you are dating somebody. if your ex asks about your love life then politely tell them that you are not at liberty to discuss such matters with them.

 

If neither one of you can respect these guidelines then it's time to cut all contact completely. Now I personally do not initiate contact with any of my exes if they were the dumpers. When they initiate contact through IMs it's up to me if I want to respond or not. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. When I do respond I wait 10 minutes before I reply to an IM. I am civil and I keep my answers short to any questions they might have. Usually it's 1-2 word answers and I make sure I end the conversation first.

 

The only question I ever ask an ex when I'm in contact is how they are doing and that I hope all is well with them. Other than that I don't ask questions. I have nothing else to ask because they are exes now.

 

As a matter of fact I ran into one of my exes at work the other day. I could not believe it! But I was polite. She seemed surprise to see me too and commenting how she didn't know I still worked there. I just asked her how she's doing and she told me about her summer job. After that I just told her that I had to get back to work and told her to take care and hope all is well.

 

Am I going to tell my current girlfriend about this? I don't have a reason to. What would it profit? I was only minding my own business at my workplace. It's not like I was looking for an ex to show up.

Posted
It is ok to keep in occasional short contact with an ex under certain conditions.

1. Do not talk about the past. this includes not apologizing for mistakes you might have made in the relationship and not accusing or bringing up things they did.

2. Do not talk about prospects of getting back together.

3. keep your current love lives private from each other. don't ask your ex if she's dating anyone. don't tell her that you are dating somebody. if your ex asks about your love life then politely tell them that you are not at liberty to discuss such matters with them.

 

If neither one of you can respect these guidelines then it's time to cut all contact completely. Now I personally do not initiate contact with any of my exes if they were the dumpers. When they initiate contact through IMs it's up to me if I want to respond or not. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. When I do respond I wait 10 minutes before I reply to an IM. I am civil and I keep my answers short to any questions they might have. Usually it's 1-2 word answers and I make sure I end the conversation first.

 

The only question I ever ask an ex when I'm in contact is how they are doing and that I hope all is well with them. Other than that I don't ask questions. I have nothing else to ask because they are exes now.

 

As a matter of fact I ran into one of my exes at work the other day. I could not believe it! But I was polite. She seemed surprise to see me too and commenting how she didn't know I still worked there. I just asked her how she's doing and she told me about her summer job. After that I just told her that I had to get back to work and told her to take care and hope all is well.

 

Am I going to tell my current girlfriend about this? I don't have a reason to. What would it profit? I was only minding my own business at my workplace. It's not like I was looking for an ex to show up.

 

So you are hiding your current R from an X?? Don't you think that some may then think you are available and fair game to attempt to reunite with? If you have ever had a relentless X you'd know what I am talking about. It can become a game for them.

 

Why not tell your current g/f your X came into your work. Why hide it. It may pop up later or she may hear news of it.

 

I would want to know just like I do not hide my business meetings with my X from my H. I do not hide the calls or the paper work or anything else. Why should I hide it. It would make it much worse in the end.

 

I guess I consider it lying by omission. IMO.

Posted

I had some EA's with X's and after two I gave up on being friends with X's.

 

Personally why be a backup? Or being the cake while they have it and eat it to.

 

As a guy, I have a hard time keeping my ego and emotions in check knowing she is doing someone else. Don't know how some women feel about that. Knowing he is doing things you wanted to do but he rejected.

 

I had one that wanted to keep the status quo and even compared me to her ex's saying X is ok, and Y is ok. I said I'm not those two. I for one do not maintain friendships with X's or those who rejected me (LTR's that I offered a ring)

 

In my cases, lying by omission or being a "private person", can lead to seperate lifes, candidates X's and Gf's do not know each other exists. Dangerous game especially when either one finds out.

Posted
Argh! I find myself in yet another situation dealing with a boyfriend's ex. WTF is going on with people staying "friends" with exes?

 

there is only one guideline on staying in contact with exes....and that is to NOT stay in contact with them :)

Posted

I rarely talk to ex's... and when I do, I make sure that my boyfriend knows all about the conversation, so that it doesn't come out some other time, and him ask... "why didn't you tell me that you talked to him a month ago?"

 

But, then again, I don't think it matters either way, he trusts me, and he knows I'm not hiding anything from him, and I never would. Ever.

Posted

I wish I knew about these guidelines that I wrote earlier when the break up happened. The ex I ran into was a girl I dated 7 years ago. I've done alot of maturing in that time.

 

I don't want her back but I do want her to ask to have me back just so I have the opportunity to turn her down. It will be a good ego boost for me because I would have a chance to turn the tables.

 

Another thing I want to mention is that if your ex was the dumper and they start volunteering information about their new love life just act like you don't care but don't ever say the words "I don't care". Just act indifferent.

Posted

I am in the best relationship of my life and will be getting engaged and married before too long and I am friends with all but one of my exes. I don't think I could be friends with them if I wanted to be with them (nor them with I) it would be too hurtful. My current BF is friends with my ex who is here and my BF even said to me "he is so funny, why did you break up with him" LOL I broke up with him b/c it just wasn't there - we know we are much better friends than we ever were lovers. And all my other exes are the same - it didn't work for us and we have moved on but it doesn't mean that we ever wished each other harm and if you ever cared about someone you want them to go on and be happy. I am so glad when I talk to my exes and they are doing good. Reaffirms to me that being together wasn't right and that I can be so much happier than I ever was. JMO but I don't think everyone has alterior motives when they want to be friends - it is a mature thing to do!

Posted
Argh! I find myself in yet another situation dealing with a boyfriend's ex. WTF is going on with people staying "friends" with exes?

 

I just found out my boyfriend talks to an ex every few weeks. And has for the past year. I didn't know that. He never mentioned it.

 

Okay, so what does everyone think?

 

No contact ever? Let your SO know when talking to an ex? How much contact is appropriate?

 

I'd rather have no contact, ever. That's why they are exes. But it's hard to find a guy that doesn't have one lurking around contacting him, or him contacting her to say "hi."

 

Maybe I am just overly jealous and untrusting....or maybe I'm sick of dealing with exes...Just wondering what the guidelines should be.

 

And how do you bring the whole issue up with a potential boyfriend? Do you ask about exes? I'd rather gouge my eyes out than do that, but I don't want to be involved with anyone who has an ex as a "friend."

 

There is no universal guideline for contact with an ex. Everyone has their own view on how to handle the situation.

 

I believe that if you can be just friends with the ex, then its all good. More power to you, but I understand that alot of people are uneasy about that kind of friendship, so if one is willing and able to maintain a friendship with the ex, let their SO know ahead of time. Don't hide it from them and let them find out later because that will only provoke stress and insecurity.

Posted

nicki,

 

I know this post is late but I was in the same situation recently.

 

My ex boyfriend had contact with his ex (they would talk about once a week) and I was completely uncomfortable with it. I told him this and he told her to stop calling him.

 

Later on in our relationship, we had some problems and she began calling again (I'm thinking that because things were going south with us, he called her either for advice or comfort). I flipped out and forbid it once again. He refused to stop talking to her because he claimed he never knew when I'd break up with him next and he didn't want to lose her as a friend.

 

I said the same thing as you: why keep her around? She's an EX for a reason right? I didn't get why he was hanging on to her while I was begging him not to.

 

Well one night while we were together, he went out without me, she was there, they had sex, and now she's pregnant with his kid.

 

Take caution, hunny. Tell those exes to pound pavement if he won't.

Posted
there is only one guideline on staying in contact with exes....and that is to NOT stay in contact with them :)

 

Exactly! Ex's cannot be friends, period. Not with me anyway. I just don't operate that way. Especially if you're the one who got shafted. f*** 'em.

Posted
Exactly! Ex's cannot be friends, period. Not with me anyway. I just don't operate that way. Especially if you're the one who got shafted. f*** 'em.

 

 

And for Pete's Sakes!! Don't we drag enough of our own personal baggage into a new relationship why pile the poo heap higher with the baggage of an X. :lmao: :lmao:

 

Three is a crowd. I think quite a few people hide their dislike of their SO having an X around because they are told by society that it is more mature to have such relationships, to be more understanding about it is better, and for some reason elevates you to some higher plain of enlightenment. :lmao: :lmao:

Posted

Normally I think "To each their own" when it comes to being friends or not with ex's. There are some instances it may work, some it definitely won't.

 

HOWEVER... He wasn't up front with her on his contact with his ex for a year. That's rather shady in my opinion. If you're going to have regular contact with an ex, then you owe it to the current to let them know everything regarding that contact. Otherwise its going to lead to distrust.

 

For me, that would be the biggy in this situation. The seemingly hiding his contact with his ex from his current....

Posted
Exactly! Ex's cannot be friends, period. Not with me anyway. I just don't operate that way. Especially if you're the one who got shafted. f*** 'em.

even if you did the shafting you still should never stay in contact with an ex.

Posted
even if you did the shafting you still should never stay in contact with an ex.

 

Right on!! Unless you are forced to for the reason of children or financial commitments......then stick to the reason for contact only.

 

IMHO people who keep groupies of X's do so to boost their ego.

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