Having problems clarifying problem.

[Vertex]

I don't really feel you have room to pass judgment Vertex. If you'd like to cast stones maybe you could start casting them at yourself first.

 

 

Go ahead and verbally sucker punch me... Maybe you'll get upset too when I tell you to STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

I've cast plenty of stones at myself over the years and had quite a few thrown at me -- more than I'd care to really count.

 

Regardless, I think it's quite clear and I don't think it's a matter of passing an absolute judgment. You say you want some sense knocked into you, so I feel as if I am doing so. I'm not casting stones just to cast them. If you are tired of getting hit, start catching.

 

I see time and time again -- people putting up with a certain degree of emotional abuse. For some reason people seem to gravitate to it. Hell, I know I gravitated to it in my past relationship but only because I had this idea in my mind that I could change her or bring about a hopefully more-pleasant future. Unfortunately, this bitter truth comes to light when one learns how hard it truly is to change people.

 

So, you can either continue to indirectly justify his behavior or you can look at it bluntly in the only light that can possibly be cast to elucidate the solution. He lacks a core component of maturity and I think we can all see that here. The way you view the situation is probably much different than how he sees it. It is too hard to force a certain mindset upon another -- you have to figure out which parts of his world view coincide with your own and focus on that -- strengthening those common views such that you have a chance at putting out the fires. I've read quite a few of your posts and I'm convinced that this is what you need to do, because frankly it isn't going to change much on a fundamental level at this rate.

 

Anyways I hope that was an adequate verbal sucker punch. If not perhaps I need to swing harder.

[Walk]

i can totally see where your'e coming from...actually very similar to my situation but you can express yourself way better than i can. i relate is what i'm trying to say.

When it comes to face to face communication, I am absolutely horrible. If I don't completely freeze up, then if I'm lucky the other person will get this hysterical jumble of ideas and thoughts that would make a sane person crazy. I suck at face to face. Thats why I wanted to know how to approach him with my thoughts adn feelings.

 

but i know it's hard for him to realize that especially when eh feels like he's taken a step backward. do you support him on his job and try to make him feel good about it?

I try to show it, but I obviously did a piss poor job the last couple of weeks. That and I don't think I was clear enough on how much the school load had increased those last two weeks. I said I was stressed, but a couple of comments as an aside probably isn't going to give the full scope of the pressure I really felt. I should've talked to him about it up front, really explained myself and helped him understand that it'd only be a set amount of time, and then done. I didn't do that. He freaked, then I got pissed.

 

maybe he feels to an extent that he's putting you through to get a good education and he's hauling scrap so he feels even more worse than he did about his job and when he comes home he has all this pent up stress over it he just bursts.

That's about dead on I think. The worst part is, the people he works for are a-holes and constantly berrate him for stupid stuff. Like.. he blew a tire and radioed ahead to let the front guy know he was going back to get it fixed. Guy responds to tell him where the maintance garage is... 2 hours later bf's getting chewed out for not letting the front guy know he was getting his tire fixed. Didn't matter what he said because the front guy was sitting there saying my bf hadn't told him. If this were the only instance in a 12 hour day.. maybe I'd say suck it up. But his WHOLE day is like this. One thing after another. His truck falls apart on him while he's driving. Maintance won't fix it, he gets chewed out. He isn't wearing a uniform, they haven't given him one yet... he gets chewed out. etc. etc.

 

 

Sometimes I just need to be reminded by an unbiased person that he is working really hard and I really don't need to get so offended when he feels taken advantage of. Mostly I get mad because I don't want to take advantage of him, and it tarnishes my self-image. I don't want to be the bad guy so I fight it. No one wants to admit they laxed off and that the other person might have at least a reason to be irritated. 'Cause looking back... I have my reasons (school, my family) for why I wasn't as helpful as usual, but I did a horrible job communicating that to him during that time. And I was... how do I say this... lax on being there for him. I don't want to admit it, but it's the truth. Like your bf not doing the dishes... it seems small, nothing really major, but several things in a row starts to make you feel like you're getting used. And I really think that's what happened to with my bf. It started adding up and when I said he shouldn't be mad then we we're off into stupid land. So my goal... next time I'm that stressed out, then its serious discussion time with him about what I feel I can and can't do and how long I believe it will last. And more understanding on my part when he starts getting irritated when he feels I'm not pulling my load.

 

Last thought, then I'm off here for now. He talks in odd ways. Took me a long while to figure it out. He communicates whats wrong by assigning it to something else. Not sure how to describe it. Ie. the lack of sex. It's not about the sex. I always get caught up in the literal... but it doesn't have anything to do with sex. It has to do with trust, love and commitment. He tells me everything I need to know in what's really going on.. but instead of me stepping back to see the bigger picture, the more abstract one, I get caught in the details. I say he's wrong, because he is... in the strict way. But he's not really talking the strict sense and I always fail to see that til half way through an argument. The moment I realize it, we stop arguing.

 

I hear him snoring upstairs. ha ha ha He's exhausted. In bed 5 hours before the sun goes down.

 

 

Thanks for the thoughts everyone. I'll reply to Becoming later. My brain is tired tonight.

[magichands]

I feel like if someone won't introduce you to their family, no matter how distant and screwed up they are, it makes me think he's ashamed of me. Embarressed by me. It's okay to say you have a gf, but he doesn't want them to ever meet me? 2 and a half years and i could tell you the past history on every family member he has. From how old they are, where they live, how long they've been married, educational back ground, hobbies, past times, jobs, past jobs, past girlfriends..... but they'll never have a face to me. And I only exist to them as "the girlfriend". Its sad and pathetic.

 

Either that, or he's embrassed by them.

 

Or worried that they will spill some beans.

 

There is too much cloak and dagger for me. A little mystery might be intriguing, but he's really not communicating very well with you.

[Outcast]

ol @ walk...isn't it funny how some people think teh answer is to just leave...that's not always the answer. relationships take work and normally "those people" are the type that are never in a steady relationship because one thing goes wrong and then they leave 'em.

 

Not in the least. I am not a quitter, nor do I advise quitting for regular problems, however I have read MANY of Walk's posts and their troubles, IMHO, are far worse than a normal couple should have. It's easy for you to dismiss it or think it's fine but have you considered that you, too, might be in an abusive relationship and are also making excuses for your man?

 

Walk is forever taking blame for everything that happens, every temper tantrum he has, etc. and yet her descriptions of the discussions tell a very different tale. She'll make every excuse in the world for every rotten thing he does to her. That's the sign of a woman suffering 'Stockholm Syndrome' - bonding with the abuser to the extent that she loses any respect for herself and how she should be treated by her partner.

 

Which makes sense in a sense. When a lot of junk has happened to you and you think you've found a safe place, you cling to the person who first seemed safe even if he proves not to be any better for you than anyone else you've known.

[Becoming]

Not in the least. I am not a quitter, nor do I advise quitting for regular problems, however I have read MANY of Walk's posts and their troubles, IMHO, are far worse than a normal couple should have. It's easy for you to dismiss it or think it's fine but have you considered that you, too, might be in an abusive relationship and are also making excuses for your man?

 

Walk is forever taking blame for everything that happens, every temper tantrum he has, etc. and yet her descriptions of the discussions tell a very different tale. She'll make every excuse in the world for every rotten thing he does to her. That's the sign of a woman suffering 'Stockholm Syndrome' - bonding with the abuser to the extent that she loses any respect for herself and how she should be treated by her partner.

 

Which makes sense in a sense. When a lot of junk has happened to you and you think you've found a safe place, you cling to the person who first seemed safe even if he proves not to be any better for you than anyone else you've known.

 

Word!

 

No judgment in this; we all live and learn. But it's important to raise the issue and consciousness of what may really be going on.

 

But only Walk can discern this ultimately, of course. We don't have access to all the information in the situation.

 

We just wish good for you, Walk, and you seem to sense this isn't good but seem unsure as to whether you deserve more. Or are wondering what you've done to deserve such treatment.

 

Abuse makes no sense. WE'RE the ones who keep trying to make it make sense, but it doesn't. The only sense it makes is that we're dealing with damaged people who don't know/choose any better how to deal with us as separate human beings. It has very little to do with us and what we do or do not do to deserve it.