Having problems clarifying problem.

[Walk]

I'm having a problem trying to clarify my problem(s) that I'm having with my bf. I'd really like some feedback on how to discuss it with him without turning it into a blame game, or sounding like I'm calling him an ass and have him get so defensive we can't discuss it.

 

Basically, I'm really hurt by things he said during our last arugment and the past couple of days since we "made up".

 

I think he's feeling really stressed about his new job. And a large part of whats making him so edgy is the fact that this is a lower paying job and it bothers him not to be making more money. He took the job so we could have more time together, instead of only seeing each other 2 days a week. The job is hauling scrap, and he's made a couple comments that make me think he's feeling like he's less because of the job. Because its not something anyone would admire or respect a person for doing. Like it'd be a step up to be a garbage man because everyone needs their trash dumped...

 

My problem though... I'm fed up with his comments about me. And I might be able to forgive and forget because most were said in anger and we all have a tendency to say things we don't really mean when highly upset, but his actions aren't saying anything different. At least, not to me.

 

He was upset last weekend because he feels like he does so much for me and I don't appreciate it, and don't show it through actions. That I am being selfish and that I don't take any action but will just sit and do nothing. And he believes he is busting his ass to provide us with a comfortable lifestyle that I benefit from, and the least i could do is put forth some effort to make his life a little easier.

 

So anything I bring up at this point is going to sound like I'm trying to shift the blame back onto him. Since he feels he's right and had legitimate complaints, then I should be busting my ass to get out of the "dog house". And that I shouldn't be entitled to special treatment if I'm not going to treat him special.

 

In theory, I agree completely. If you do wrong, you shouldn't get your desert. You should admit your mistakes, find ways to correct them, bust your ass to make it up to your partner for hurting them, and find ways not to do it in the future. And that it'll take some time for the other person to heal from the damage that was done to them that caused them to get so upset in the first place.

 

But I don't feel I did anything wrong. I don't feel I "owe" him anything to make up for it. And I didn't deserve the comments he made in the first place. I'm upset, and I'm hurt, and I'm resentful of how he's acting. But I don't know how to discuss it with him without having it turn into a major argument. I'm having a hard time clarifying my thoughts well enough to feel confident that I could explain it so he'd understand. And I'm not sure I'm even right in feeling like I didn't do anything wrong. If he felt unappreciated then I should've tried harder to show him my appreciation.

 

I'm confused, and frustrated and hurt.. and I don't know how to address it. Or even if I should at this point. Maybe some time would help me see it clearer, and allow me to discuss it rationally and control my emotions better. But I'm worried that if I do nothing, it will only make matters worse. He's not doing much to attempt to help us get back on track, and that makes me upset and resentful. I don't know how to talk to him about this. And I'm scared if I do that I'll make things worse rather than better.

 

Does any one have any suggestions? I'd really appreciate it...

[magichands]

Kind of like he's feeling underappreciated from you, and you feel a lack of respect from him?

 

I think you pinned down part of it - maybe he feels that his job reflects poorly upon him. Or is it more that he just would rather be doing something more "fulfilling?"

 

Sounds like a case of him being mostly unhappy within himself, and taking it out on you. Sucks.

[Walk]

Kind of both... he's not happy unless there's high challenge and high danger involved in his job. I don't think this ones much of either. At least not to the degree he's used to.

 

So how do I bring it up without sounding like I'm trying to shift his problem back on him. I do feel like theres a significant lack of respect toward me. Just don't want to make it sound like I'm accusing him of being an ass, when I just want reassurance that he doesnt' really mean he doesn't have respect for me.

[magichands]

Hmmm... maybe it's a bit like puppy training? (No, I am NOT trying to be condescending!) What I mean is, the next time (hopefully never, but) a lack-of-respect comment hits the air - deal with it there and then.

 

"When you say that it makes me feel..."

 

I'm not that good at advice in this area, BUT I'm thinking you want to try and avoid him putting his "guard up." I feel like you don't respect me... How do you think I feel when you say things like that...

 

Maybe it's a defence mechanism - he feels kind of "unworthy," and he's beating you down to get some short-term satisfaction??

 

If this is somewhat true, getting him to see the light might be a real toughie!

 

Spank that puppy on the nose!!!!

[MarnieGirl]

you should be able to talk to him about these things without him discouraging it or turning it back onto you. just because he may not be happy with something you're doing (or not doing) does not mean that he is exempt from his own reform either. just find a way to talk about both of your problems together, acknowledging that you do understand where he's coming from, but that you're not completely satisfied either.

 

i understand he is paying for your expenses while at school. that's wonderful and very giving of him, but it shouldn't have sooooo much to do with the actual relationship. if all else was fine, i don't think he would mind as much; he did, after all, agree to do this. just because he is paying for things doesn't mean you're happy and fulfilled in your relationship. yeah, it's nice, but it's not everything, and it doesn't give him the free and clear to act as he pleases and suggest ways that you change your behaviour. he doesn't own you.

 

this is a little different, but what about after you've graduated, when you're married and have children? will he resent you for being the one at home taking care of your child, because he has to work? what if you got hurt and couldn't work for the rest of your life, and he had to support your both?

 

people in love do that for each other. it can be frustrating, but to someone who loves someone else, it's worth it. it's not like furhuring your education is to be taken lightly...you're trying to better your chances at a decent job for yourself, which would benefit everyone.

 

there's definitely more to it on his end; maybe he wishes he was in school and had the possibility for a better job, so he resents that you can be...?

 

you're right, keeping silent won't help, you'll only keep it in and end up resenting him, and that is not a good thing in a relationship.

 

i guess in short, from here it looks like:

 

you: hey, honey, how was your day?

him: fine, i worked a lot to get a little money to pay for your stuff. what did you do all day?

you: i worked on a paper and made dinner for you!

him: huh, that sounds like a hard day. :snicker:

you: uh.....so what do you want to do tonight?

him: i'd like some sex.

you: it's not really the best time but...

him: this is unfair. i work and pay for everything.

 

i don't know. i see all your posts and nothing changes. are you happy? or is it just familiar, and you're in a situation that's just too convenient to walk away from?

[magichands]

I like your post, MarnieGirl.

 

Kind of both... he's not happy unless there's high challenge and high danger involved in his job. I don't think this ones much of either. At least not to the degree he's used to.

 

I dig the challenge factor, and I can understand the desire for an occasional adrenaline rush. But, what was he doing before - tandem parachutist?

 

A big sheet of scrap could fall on him, I guess? "Honey, I had a close shave today... almost spilled hot coffee on my groin!"

 

Danger is everywhere. Things are not always what they seem.

[Walk]

The arguments are not the majority of the time. When we see eye to eye, when we're not letting petty stuff get in the way.. then this relationship is the epitomy of what I want in a relationship. He's kind, caring, supportive, works just as hard as I do, goes out of his way to show he loves me and cares for me. He'll help me with problems, take hours and hours of his time to do things I want to do. etc. etc. I couldnt' be happier at those times. Its my "dream" of a relationship. Then out of the blue (it seems) he turns into an a**h***. Uncaring, rude, insensitive, completely irrational, and prone to weird notions. Give him a week, and things are smooth sailing again. Perfect relationship for a month or so, I start to really feel like we made some progress toward understanding each other. I'm happy and content, and feel like we're moving forward. Then wham again. Each time, same complaint. Same argument. Same everything. Every time I ask "why the hell are you still here then?" Every time he says because he's not unhappy with the relationship, but when he brings up complaints I get so defensive that he gets upset he can't just discuss it with me. I try to explain I feel attacked and could he phrase his complaints less harshly. And each time he tells me that he's not saying them harshly, I'm too sensitive.

 

I just don't know how to tell him I'm unhappy, and if things don't change then I am leaving. I owe him that much. To give him the chance to fix it before I end it. I dont' want it to end, but this cut too deep. I don't want to get to the point that I look at him and feel sick with revulsion. He deserves better, and so do I. But I owe him at a minimum communication on how I feel. I just don't know how to say it.

[Lishy]

Walk that man is a bully and a spoilt brat, he is also controlling and abusive.

 

Get the hell out baby

 

Then you will know how it feels to live your life not worrying about trying to please a man who cant be pleased!

 

What kind of man expects you to perform great sex with him just because he goes to work?

 

When he comes in, tell him plenty of men go to work and dont expect their other half to be a sex slave. Then tell him you wont take his s*** and tell him to stick his dick up his own arse as you are not sticking around to be treated this way anymore!

 

Then walk out that door and be happy!

 

I know that isnt what you want to hear sweetie but I have to say what I feel. You deserve so much more!

 

There is no 'way' to talk to a narcissist like him it would be a waste of your breath!

[Walk]

I dig the challenge factor, and I can understand the desire for an occasional adrenaline rush. But, what was he doing before - tandem parachutist?

Cleared power lines. The guy that drags the chainsaw to the top of the tree and cuts the limbs that touch the super high voltage power lines. (Not the kind that just runs to your house, but the ones that supply power to the city.) They don't shut off the power when those guys cut the limbs down, and sometimes they end up electrocuting themselves. Bzzzz. Fried.

 

He had a tree fall on him when he first started the job. Ended up disemboweling him. He's got a massive scar from his sternum to his groin from it.

He took this job because it was "safer". Now I think he misses the prestige he could claim before.

[magichands]

You can take the man out of your a**h***, but you can't take the a**h*** out of your man.

 

Can you think of any triggers? Is he really so silver-shiny one day, and then boot polish the next?

[magichands]

Cleared power lines. The guy that drags the chainsaw to the top of the tree and cuts the limbs that touch the super high voltage power lines. (Not the kind that just runs to your house, but the ones that supply power to the city.) They don't shut off the power when those guys cut the limbs down, and sometimes they end up electrocuting themselves. Bzzzz. Fried.

 

He had a tree fall on him when he first started the job. Ended up disemboweling him. He's got a massive scar from his sternum to his groin from it.

He took this job because it was "safer". Now I think he misses the prestige he could claim before.

 

Well, that explains it. He's lost his nerve. Got no guts anymore.

 

Ohhh... must be one of those afternoons. Sorry. That is quite some transition though - hard to match the buzz (literally) from a job like that one.

 

Was he like this before he changed jobs?

[Walk]

Well, that explains it. He's lost his nerve. Got no guts anymore.

 

Ohhh... must be one of those afternoons. Sorry. That is quite some transition though - hard to match the buzz (literally) from a job like that one.

 

Was he like this before he changed jobs?

 

Don't know... from the stories I hear, he sounded like more of an ass. But then again.. his last gf stalked him for over a year after he dumped her, so I don't honestly know. Hard to believe someone would try as hard as that girl did to get back with someone if he was more of an ass then he is now. Then again, there's been stranger things....

[Walk]

Walk that man is a bully and a spoilt brat, he is also controlling and abusive.

 

There is no 'way' to talk to a narcissist like him it would be a waste of your breath!

 

I hear you Lishy. Time is proving you more and more correct. *sigh*

[Lishy]

I dont want to be right Walk! I would be ever so happy if I proved to be wrong!

 

I just know you need to get out!

 

You are so wonderful it pains me to see you go through this time after time

[Outcast]

Its my "dream" of a relationship. Then out of the blue (it seems) he turns into an a**h***. Uncaring, rude, insensitive, completely irrational, and prone to weird notions. Give him a week, and things are smooth sailing again. Perfect relationship for a month or so, I start to really feel like we made some progress toward understanding each other. I'm happy and content, and feel like we're moving forward. Then wham again. Each time, same complaint. Same argument. Same everything. Every time I ask "why the hell are you still here then?"

 

This is a version of life with an abuser. Women stay with abusers not because it's a challenge or whatever goofy theories some may have. They stay because abusers are Jekyll and Hyde. When they're the good Doctor, they're wonderful and have great qualities that you can't help but love. BUT Hyde lives there too, and Hyde is vicious and nobody any self-respecting person should live with.

 

IMHO you need to realize that you can't have just the one. He comes as a complete package and it's not at all a package you should put up with.

 

It's very sad that these guys can't change and won't change but it is simply not worth the damage to your health, happiness, and self-esteem to live with someone who's only decent to live with part of the time! Yes, you love Jekyll, but it's necessary for you to tear yourself away from him because he won't or can't tear himself away from Mr. Hyde.

 

You have had a fairly unpleasant past and he may seem less dreadful than others you've been with but he's still emotionally abusive to you IMHO and you need a man who isn't abusive in any way.

[alphamale]

Get the hell out baby

for once I agree with LISHY

[Walk]

I just wanted to post this because I don't really have anyone I trust to talk to right now. Just want to get it off me.

 

His grandpa died yesterday. He's not close to his family, at all. Hasn't seen them in a year. Hardly ever see's them. I've only met his brother and a cousin. Both of whom I knew long before dating my bf.

 

I asked if he'd like company, or if this was a family thing. He said it was a family thing, and his family didn't like outsiders. 'Specially at a time like this. Said even his brother wasn't taking his gf.

 

He gets home three hours later. Tells me about his time there. I listen. I wanted to ask what his brothers gf looked like. (brother hasn't dated her long and we haven't seen her.) Convinced myself that was evil to set him up like that. He said his brother wasn't taking her and i should trust that. But I knew his brother took her.

 

Later in the conversation, he throws in... "Oh, and (his brother) did bring his gf." And immediately into what his cousin has been up to. He acted... embarressed, guilty... something. I couldn't quite tell. Then says his cousin asked about me. And that the family had asked him to come over that evening but he'd told them he had to get home to see the gf. They said to bring her over. He said no again. They asked if he would tomorrow. He said no again. May have just been that he spent 3 hours with them and just didn't want to obligate himself to more time. I get sick of my family after 2 hours, so I can't really pass judgement.

 

Listened to him for another hour or so, then I went to bed alone. He stayed u and read a book.

 

I feel like if someone won't introduce you to their family, no matter how distant and screwed up they are, it makes me think he's ashamed of me. Embarressed by me. It's okay to say you have a gf, but he doesn't want them to ever meet me? 2 and a half years and i could tell you the past history on every family member he has. From how old they are, where they live, how long they've been married, educational back ground, hobbies, past times, jobs, past jobs, past girlfriends..... but they'll never have a face to me. And I only exist to them as "the girlfriend". Its sad and pathetic.

[Outcast]

May have just been that he spent 3 hours with them and just didn't want to obligate himself to more time. I get sick of my family after 2 hours, so I can't really pass judgement.

 

Yes you can. You have to stop excusing his rotten behaviour towards you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Vertex]

Ungh. I swear. People are addicted to abuse.

[Walk]

I don't really feel you have room to pass judgment Vertex. If you'd like to cast stones maybe you could start casting them at yourself first.

 

 

Go ahead and verbally sucker punch me... Maybe you'll get upset too when I tell you to STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jessssss]

lol @ walk...isn't it funny how some people think teh answer is to just leave...that's not always the answer. relationships take work and normally "those people" are the type that are never in a steady relationship because one thing goes wrong and then they leave 'em.

 

i can totally see where your'e coming from...actually very similar to my situation but you can express yourself way better than i can. i relate is what i'm trying to say.

 

as for the job thing it sounds to me like it's the case of him feeling like less of a man for having a boring blah job...but it pays the bills and that's what a job is for, not always the best thing...but i know it's hard for him to realize that especially when eh feels like he's taken a step backward. do you support him on his job and try to make him feel good about it?

 

as for him supporting you financially and putting you back through school, maybe one thing is he feels like he deserves a lot of respect and overly giving to him because he is doing such a huge favor for you...maybe he feels to an extent that he's putting you through to get a good education and he's hauling scrap so he feels even more worse than he did about his job and when he comes home he has all this pent up stress over it he just bursts.

 

my bf and i have the same...one great month and then BAM a; humongous fight...this time it was 3 weeks and we just had a huge fight...it's like he turns into a different persone for a couple days. does your bf ever distance himself from you, besides the family thing? do you feel like he wants to spend time with you? do you analyze everything he does and in turn overanalyze and make up scenarios in yoru mind about why he just wants to watch tv and not do anything? just wondering...i know i do.

 

what about him making rude comments to you--that sounds to me like he is unhappy with his professional life, and being at that what he thinks is a crappy job...all day long...then he comes home just to have to think about doing it all over again the next day so he jumps you...to get his frustrations out and doesn't mean it to come out the way it does but it's just something he's formed a habit of doing and it lets off his steam. maybe you can help him try to find something else to do as a wind down after work...do you have a dog to walk?

 

does he do a lot around the house ro does he expect you to do it since he's working all day? one more example from my relationship...when my bf was out of work - not even in school - he did nothing...i work 9 hrs a day and go home to make the bed, do the dishes, vaccuum, straighten up ... something that he could have been doing in the 9 hrs he had by himself and i felt so used, but found out that he just needs me to ask him to help or just ask if he would do it...

 

i know this post has been very random but hopefully something will help you...or atleast trigger something that will make you feel better

[RecordProducer]

He was upset last weekend because he feels like he does so much for me and I don't appreciate it, and don't show it through actions. That I am being selfish and that I don't take any action but will just sit and do nothing. And he believes he is busting his ass to provide us with a comfortable lifestyle that I benefit from, and the least i could do is put forth some effort to make his life a little easier.

As much as I remember, he works his ass off to provide for both of you, while you're studying. He is not your father to invest in the future of his daughter - he is doing you a favor. A big one. Without arguing, you need to ask him what exactly he expects from you. If it's a home-made meal, clean house, understanding when he is tired, etc., oou should give it to him.

 

You're going through hard times right now and you need to find ways to adjust to the situation. If there is no time for loving and cuddling - that's it, a tough situation. But I assure you there will be more loving and cuddling if you do your part too.

 

What pecisely do you do during the day and how do you treat him when he comes from work? How do you spend your time?

 

You said you owe him nothing. Well he owes you nothing too. You probably want to hear from us how right you are for being upset, but that won't lead you to any positive resolution of the problem. At the end of the LS day, we'll all close our windows and go back to our lives. But what are you going to do if he breaks up with you?

[Becoming]

Walk, we just hate to see this keep happening to you. :(

 

Maybe it's not that he's embarrassed about you as much as he's embarrassed about his family. Have you asked him about this?

 

Do you work on making this relationship better so much that you keep trying to fix what's wrong with your relationship in the majority of your conversations with him? If so, another tactic is in order.

 

I think you really need to tell him how much you appreciate him taking this job so that you can spend more time with him. Lay the praise on thick.

 

This guy's got issues left over from his family, I'd be willing to bet--issues that have left him feeling powerless or with low self-esteem underneath all these verbal abuses. He's probably terrified you'll leave deep down in and may be protecting himself from this possibility that he doesn't think he could take if it happened. I think he needs lots of love and reassurance from you (I think that's what the whole sex thing is). If you give him this more consistently, you can help him see that he's more likely to get what he wants from you when he talks nice instead of hatefully, which is likely to result in what he most fears--your leaving.

 

It sounds like this guy is about four or five years old emotionally and may not know what to do with all these intense emotions deep down inside for you.

 

That being said, you do need to put your boundaries down and enforce them. When he goes on his abusive tares, give him one warning you've discussed as a code word in a sane, rational moment, and when he does it again (he will for awhile until he sees you mean business), leave. Discuss the conditions under which you will return so that he knows HIS behavior controls getting good things from you. It'll take awhile, but he'll eventually get that he can't control you, but only your behavior.

 

Of course, this means you need some place to be able to go to for awhile. And a willingness to do what you may most fear--risk losing him and ending up alone. But aren't you already taking that risk?

 

You're a bright woman with so much going for her, Walk. Believe that.

[Walk]

As much as I remember, he works his ass off to provide for both of you, while you're studying. He is not your father to invest in the future of his daughter - he is doing you a favor. A big one. Without arguing, you need to ask him what exactly he expects from you. If it's a home-made meal, clean house, understanding when he is tired, etc., oou should give it to him.

 

What pecisely do you do during the day and how do you treat him when he comes from work? How do you spend your time?

 

You said you owe him nothing. Well he owes you nothing too. You probably want to hear from us how right you are for being upset, but that won't lead you to any positive resolution of the problem.

 

I think your questions were meant as rhetorical, something I should ask myself and be able to answer. If not, let me know.

 

As far as not hearing what I want... What I want is some sense knocked into me from time to time... I get stuck in my own head. I come here to learn how to be smarter than my anger.

[RecordProducer]

I think your questions were meant as rhetorical, something I should ask myself and be able to answer. If not, let me know.

 

As far as not hearing what I want... What I want is some sense knocked into me from time to time... I get stuck in my own head. I come here to learn how to be smarter than my anger.

You can ask yourself or share the answers, whichever you feel comfortable with. If you need any further thoughts, you might answer them, but you don't have to. I am not here to judge you, but to help you feel better and see things from a third person's perspective.

 

Anger is our worst enemy. All bad things in this world happen because of somebody's anger (except natural disasters). But it's also human to feel anger when you're not satisfied.

 

Right now you're in a situation that doesn't quite satisfy you. Talk to your BF about what he expects from you and come to a mutual agreement about it. Don't promise what you can't achieve. Just remember that when you try hard to do your best, people appreciate the thought and attempt, not necessarily the result.

 

Often it's hard to reconcile our feelings and mind. But sometimes we have to do that. If something is really wrong, think of ways how to correct it. Think of what would make you happy and how to adjust to things that you can't change at this moment.

 

I realized that everything is a matter of habit. People get used to unbelievable things: illness, death of loved ones, hard work, lack of sleep, sadness, etc. If you have a problem to organize your time, write a list of things that you have to do and try to stick to it. You don't have to be perfect all the time, but give your best.

 

You're not just a romantic couple, you're room mates too. So sharing chores is another thing you both have to deal with (your BF seems to do his share properly, right?). It doesn't have to affect your relationship, but it usually does.

 

Also explain to him how you feel when he is upset with you. Be ready to be open-minded when resolving problems and teach him to be the same. You love each other, guys. You're in the same team - not against each other.