wilkes103 Posted June 29, 2006 Posted June 29, 2006 I have a very difficult situation to deal with here and would appreciate any and all thoughts, no matter how blunt. I realize this is long but I have trouble talking about these things face to face so I would really appreciate any help. Here is the background: Me: mid twenties, been in a few serious relationships and even in love once, but in general have had more flings. it takes me a lot to want to date someone but I am an honest person and treat people right. I have dumped and been the dumpee and I dealt with both appropriately and like to think I learn from every relationship I've been in. Her: early twenties, fresh out of uni. wholesome girl who has never had a serious relationship or been uhm.... totally intimate with anyone. really a wonderful person if a bit on the immature side with guys (gets nervous, doesnt know what to say and do - these are her words not mine), but I think you can chalk that up to her relative inexperience. the situation: we've known each other since our teens, but not well. Didn't see each other for years but ran into each other in March. She had to go back to school so we exchanged numbers and email and instant message names and that night began talking. Now I am the ultimate pessimist with girls but we hit it off right away, I mean instanteous. So much in common and went on to talk every day. She came home a month later to see me and I just got this feeling...not infatuation or love or anything, but a sort of certainty. Like this is it. I never have this happen ,ever. And the thing is, it was mutual. She went back to finish her last month at Uni. The girl would email me all day while I was at work, text me, and then when I got home call me and we'd talk for hours, where she told me lots of personal stuff (see above) and asked a lot of personal questions about my history. She also started to...I guess plan ahead would be best. "We're doing this when I get home" or "You have to come with me here", that sort of thing. In short she made it clear, even flat out saying once, that she wanted me as a bf, and thats what was gonna happen. I was happy and gave her a bit more attention than I might give someone else cause of how new this type of thing was to her, but still kept from being needy. Her finals week started and she went from calling/emailing me 10x a day to maybe once or twice a day, and she would apologize profusely when she did. Still, I said it was fine, I understood that schoolwork was important and plus it was the last time she would be able to see all her university friends that often, so have fun/study. When you get home we'll make up for lost time. She gets home and owing to our schedules we fail to see each other, but I drop her an email anyway just to say hi and see how things are. No response. I wait another two days and send another asking if something is up and she says that no, she has just been busy and is leaving for a family vacation the next day, but would love to see me and will as soon as she gets back. She gets back with a cold and is bedridden for two days, but we talk for like 2 hours on one of them. I dont want to come off needy so I wait a few days and then call her to see how she is feeling (and also, to make plans). No returned call. I wait another two days and email her, asking if something is up again. She says no, apologizes again and says she has just been busy seeing people from home and she will call me later that day. No call later that day, or the next day. Now I'm getting worried. I wait another day, call her this time. No call back. Now I've had enough, so I send her an email, worded as delicately as possible, saying that I was confused, had I done anything to upset her, or was there something else going on? Cause things had been working out great but I was beginning to feel like a stalker, and would she please just let me know what was up. Her response was that "nothing is up, i have nothing against you, i have just been busy and also i have KINDA BEEN SEEING SOMEONE FOR THE LAST MONTH OR SO. " It goes on to say how sorry she is for ignoring me about three or four times then she signs it with the cute little nickname we have for each other (yeah, we were doing that). Now, I'm reduced from mature bachelor to heartbroken, over a girl I've seen in person twice but have had more deep conversations than girls I have dated for years. But I still keep it in check and reply back to the email with a "that's okay, you could have just told me, good luck with everything." So heres where I need the advice: What the hell do I do? I've started the no contact thing, but is that really the best call in this situation? Why would she sign her thing with the nickname if she wanted to make it clear that we were through? How does a girl who's never had a serious relationship start seeing someone, and why would she put in all the effort saying these things to me? Its so confusing because for the first time in about two years I was ready to make a serious effort at a relationship and don't want to walk away from this. I also looked at her profiles/pics online and know that she still has a single status and does not appear to be 'with' anyone in pics, and does not have a bf. She also hasnt done that thing girls do when theyve just started dating someone and let the whole world know it with little away message things and that sort of crap, leading me to wonder how serious it is. I'm a sane person but I cant drop this. I know that we were never officially dating. But I also know that only a few weeks ago she was 100% into me, and I know she is a good person. I hate what this is doing to me. I know when to walk away but I just have a feeling that I should stick with this, and that if I don't I could be blowing something huge. Girls- I've heard that when a girl has never been had sex/a serious bf, and the time comes, she can get a bit nervous and need space. Could that be it? The only strategies I can think of are: 1.do the NC thing for a month and then call her. 2.do the nc thing for the indefinite future and hope she comes to me, although with her relative inexperience/intimidation with guys I have doubts she would even if she wanted to. 3. call her and flat out tell her how i feel, and hope that her \ inexperience with guys and watching alot of soppy love stories like the notebook will be enough to convince her to give me a proper shot. Please help me here..... -Tom
typical Posted June 29, 2006 Posted June 29, 2006 I am sorry, but I had to step in for a moment...... I'm a sane person but I cant drop this. Then Dont. I know when to walk away but I just have a feeling that I should stick with this, and that if I don't I could be blowing something huge Trust your instints. Girls- I've heard that when a girl has never been had sex/a serious bf, and the time comes, she can get a bit nervous and need space. Could that be it? No, thats not it, or else she wouldnt fill up that nervous energy on another man. I would say that timing had EVERYTHING to do with it, and he just happened to get to her first, was more persuasive and convincing. 1.do the NC thing for a month and then call her. By then it might be too late and she could have fallen for the other dude. 2.do the nc thing for the indefinite future and hope she comes to me, although with her relative inexperience/intimidation with guys I have doubts she would even if she wanted to. She wont come to you, she will be too absorbed with learning about her new boyfriend. The time to strike is NOW. But, plan it very very subtly. The trick is to get her more immersed in YOUR world. SLOWLY.......If she felt something for you before, she will feel it again and his time, dont you dare let it go.
Author wilkes103 Posted June 29, 2006 Author Posted June 29, 2006 appreciate the response - given the situation, how do i subtly involve myself with this person without coming off as needy or whiny? wont she assume the reason im even talking to her in the first place is because im still interested, and interpret that as needy?
typical Posted June 29, 2006 Posted June 29, 2006 given the situation, how do i subtly involve myself with this person without coming off as needy or whiny? The same way you have been, emailing, calling, etc, having your "deep talks" except suggest things that make it so you have to hang out with each other. That shouldnt be too wierd. You do have an advantage given that you knew her first, and you could make plans to "hang out"..as "friends"....work her into your world. That shouldnt make you appear to be too whiny. Suggest you hang out and go from there. Make it so she sees more and more of you, and you could read the situation from there. wont she assume the reason im even talking to her in the first place is because im still interested, and interpret that as needy? and if you do stop talking to her, she will interpret this as the only reason you were talking to her was for a piece of ass. Bottom line, dont give up unless all else fails. Then bow out. I am not talking half hearted attempts. If she means this much to you, you wont let anything get in the way. Unless she tells you flat out that there is zero chance.
allina Posted June 29, 2006 Posted June 29, 2006 Yikes, I'm sorry, you were treater somewhat unfairly but you need to let it go. By not returning your calls and making time to see you she was showing you that for one reason or another she changed her mind. Calling and e-mailing as much as you did after she didn't respond was a mistake. It's hard when someone seems to be really in to you one day and does this the next but somethimes these things just happen. I see no point in chasing her, you will only chase her away, even more.
Author wilkes103 Posted June 29, 2006 Author Posted June 29, 2006 thanks for both of your responses...clearly two different ways of handling the situation...and I see both of your points. I failed to mention something else: -she ended up IMing me later at night on the two days she didnt call me back. -when i said i felt like a stalker calling someone and not getting a return phone call, she said it was her fault not mine, and not to feel like a stalker. I just dont understand how something changes overnight. I've dated enough to be able to tell when someone is losing interest and didnt see anything. I agree looking back that calling/emailing was a mistake but at the time I was operating under the assumption that a)shes too nice a person to play that game and b)nothing was out of the ordinary, as even when things were going great she would miss a call, apologize, and not always call back (since i work and she was still in school, i wasnt as receptive to 2am calls as someone else might be). She also isn't the type of person who would just ignore someone. And I dont get why her response back when I confronted her wasnt more....cold? It was very apologetic and then to end it with the damn nickname i gave you its like...what? To go from apologizing profusely two weeks before cause you went a day without calling me, to telling me how you cant wait uhm...see me a week ago, to this? It just doesnt make sense. Also,in keeping with the females aged 25 and under tradition of expressing themselves through away messages (and the male 25 and under tradition of checking them), the last few days have been all depressing song lyrics about loneliness and not being able to do the right thing with guys...which I guess could mean anything but still thought it bares mentioning, given her shyness. One idea I had is to wait a bit more time, then give her a casual call to see how shes doing. No declarations of love, no inquiries as to her relationship status, just a hey whats up and take it from there. If she wants nothing to do with me she can just not pick up, and I have to take that as a sign that this is dead and move on. So disappointing though, I had such a sure feeling about this and i never, ever get that. I appreciate both of your insights to the situation and welcome discussion. this truly is the most bizarre situation i've ever been in.
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