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Gf exchanging e-mails with guy friends


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Posted

Is there anything unusual or wrong for a girl who is in a long term relationship to be exchanging e-mails with guy friends? Even if the e-mail is cordijal and there's no flirting going on?? What if she ends her e-mails with her signature alone? Are there any women here who are in a long term relationship with their boyfriends but still keep in touch with guy friends through e-mail or IMs??

Posted

I email my guys friends from LS. My SO knows about it. I think as long as you are on the up and up, its fine. Females require male attention from men outside of her relationship. It is perfectly fine for men and women to have friendships outside the relationship, even healthy. As long as you guys talk about your boundaries for each other, and trust that neither of you will not cross the line, I don't see a problem with it.

 

Hey John, should I write a "guide" about this? :p

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Posted

I personally don't have a problem with my girlfriend keeping in contact with her guy friends. I just wanted to look for red flags that's all. I figure the earlier I can detect a problem the better. That's why I asked how common is it. I appreciate your answer.

 

I came across an e-mail she sent to one of her guy friends. She basically asked him what was going on in his life and apologized for not keeping in touch. One of her girlfriends who knows him gave her his e-mail address. The subject of her e-mail said "what's up?"

 

I guess it's been a couple months since she talked to him becuz she talked about her life's circumstances during the last couple months that hindered her from keeping in touch with him.

 

There was nothing flirty in the contents of the e-mail. No "I love yous". No kisses or hugs. She closed her e-mail with her name alone. She did not address him with any sweetheart or darling or honey names. I guess even if she did that would be harmless since I get called honey all the time by waitresses when I'm dining at a restaraunt. I know it does not mean that they are hitting on me.

Posted

So your reading her private emails? Does she know this? Why are you looking for red flags? I'm really getting this vibe from you like you are just expecting the bottom to drop out of your relationship at any moment. Maybe you have trust issues? I did for a long time due to the fact that my son's father abandoned me right after I got pregnant. It took me awhile to fully trust someone again, and I really had to work at it, but it isn't impossible.

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Posted
I email my guys friends from LS. My SO knows about it. I think as long as you are on the up and up, its fine. Females require male attention from men outside of her relationship. It is perfectly fine for men and women to have friendships outside the relationship, even healthy. As long as you guys talk about your boundaries for each other, and trust that neither of you will not cross the line, I don't see a problem with it.

 

Hey John, should I write a "guide" about this? :p

 

 

I have female friends that I chat with on yahoo messenger and paltalk. Some are either engaged or married. I have no intentions of developing a friendship with them and my gf knows I talk with them. I introduce her to my female friends.

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Posted
So your reading her private emails? Does she know this? Why are you looking for red flags? I'm really getting this vibe from you like you are just expecting the bottom to drop out of your relationship at any moment. Maybe you have trust issues? I did for a long time due to the fact that my son's father abandoned me right after I got pregnant. It took me awhile to fully trust someone again' date=' and I really had to work at it, but it isn't impossible.[/quote']

 

 

Yes I check her e-mail once a week or so. No she does not know that I read her e-mails. As far as she knows I forgot her password. This way I can give her enough rope to see if she hangs herself.

 

I have not found any evidence that she's cheated on me in the 3 years that we've been together. However I have been burned in 2 of my past relationships. One girl cheated on me for 6 months before she gave me the break up speech. That really burned a hole through my heart. My father cheated on my mom.

 

And to put the icing on the cake I spend hours reading other people's sad stories on these boards about how their SO betrayed them and they mention how everything seemed normal & didn't notice the warning signs ahead of time. All of these things combined are sowing doubts into my mind about my current girlfriend.

 

I've been going to other websites taking multiple choice tests to find out the likelihood that my girlfriend is cheating. I posted a thread with the link on it earlier this week. I've been browsing LS for a couple months before I signed up to be a member.

Posted
Is there anything unusual or wrong for a girl who is in a long term relationship to be exchanging e-mails with guy friends?

 

I think it has to do with the frequency. Everyone has guy and girl friends, you can email all of them. Also, just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you can never comunicate with someone of the opposite sex, that's silly.

 

But there's a certain enthusiasm with emails, or phone, or messaging that goes too far and would be inappropriate if someone is in a serious relationship. Some examples:

 

1. Daily phone calls or long chats (hours?) with guy friends

2. Frequent emails, like a back and forth of more than one a day

3. Hours spent online chatting with one person

 

I'd say all of these would be inappropriate if you were already with someone

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Posted

I went even a step further and found out the guy's AOL screen name and downloaded AOL messenger to my computer. I created a female screen name so I could disguise myself and then IMed him with questions. I was doing my own private investigation. I didn't do it in an interrogating way. I befriended him first. The guy is actually married and he's been married for 18 months. I knew that still was not a guarantee that he wasn't having an internet affair with my gf on the side. So I had to find out if he's happily married.

 

So after asking him questions about what he does for a living and where he lives I get to find out if he's happy in the marriage. He replies by saying that all marriages have their ups and downs. I then told him that it's obviously not bad enough to think about getting a divorce. He said no and no offense but all women have their own unique problems. It turns out this guy is a 12th grade english teacher. But isn't it unusual for an english teacher to spend his evening hours chatting on AOL messenger?

Posted

john, someone's boyfriend did something like that to me once.

 

I was casually messenging a girl on a chat form, very much like LS, and then I started getting weird questions from a new screen name. The boyfriend was trying to see if I was trying to get his girl.

 

First it was from the girl's ID, and she was asking suggestive questions. Then it came from a new guy's ID, he was asking stuff like "did you see the tits on that girl don't you want to get her naked, I sure would" and asking stuff like "why aren't you trying to ask her out, don't you think she's hot"

 

Luckily I actually had no interest in her, was only trying to be friendly. The guy ended up relieved and wants to hang out too, since we all live near each other.

 

He later told me his gf kicked the sh*t out of him for messing with her privacy like that. I warned him that was probably going to happen, when I found out what he was doing. You should consider that the consequences of you being so intrusive may be more severe than what she is actually doing.

 

I know that if my girlfriend started breaking into my private communications, I would lose trust in her and might break up because of it

Posted

I have not found any evidence that she's cheated on me in the 3 years that we've been together. However I have been burned in 2 of my past relationships. One girl cheated on me for 6 months before she gave me the break up speech. That really burned a hole through my heart. My father cheated on my mom.

 

I think it's understandable that you're insecure, but you must also understand that insecurity itself will drive your partner away. If someone always thinks that they have to prove that they did or didn't do something, or prove that they're being faithful, they're going to resent that - nobody wants to be subjected to a perpetual battery of litmus tests. It gets tiring and it's offensive. I don't know what to tell you except to try to keep your insecurities to yourself. I would simply try to relax and enjoy your outings together, savor the moments, the little things.

 

And to put the icing on the cake I spend hours reading other people's sad stories on these boards about how their SO betrayed them and they mention how everything seemed normal & didn't notice the warning signs ahead of time. All of these things combined are sowing doubts into my mind about my current girlfriend.

 

I am as addicted to LS as you are. I find the forums informative, and they are a good support system most of the time. If there is one flaw in LS it is that you can occasionally find too much negativity if you look for it. Mind you - and I want to be clear on this - this is NOT LS's fault - there is nothing this or any other web site could do to change the dynamic except to mandate posting only positive love stories. It's just that when you have a section on infedility, a section on dating, and a section on 'in search of' you're going to encounter people who are insecure, who are using this to vent at a time of maximum anxiety about their relationship. It is not necessarily reflective of how relationships work in general.

 

My posts are generally indicative of my mood and my situation with my current relationship. So if I'm in a negative frame of mind, I'm likely going to post something that's bitter and cynical; that totally ignores the fact that I've had many wonderful moments in most of my previous relationships. Be careful what you read, and whatever you read, take it with a grain of salt.

 

Your focus should be on being fair to your current girlfriend. I'm having a similarly difficult time reminding myself of this, but that's something both of us have to remember in our relationships right now. We have to be balanced and not only fixate on the negative, which is oh so easy to do.

Posted

In response to the original message, I think that you have to look at the interaction between the girl and the guy. There are potentially any number of warning signs but I think a few big ones are:

 

Lots of one-one-one time: I'd say this is only a potential warning sign, because some friends can receive one-on-one time. Even so, such encounters alone can lead to problems if there aren't some ground rules established early. Even if nothing has happened yet, that's not to say that something couldn't develop over time as the two people start to connect more on an emotional level.

 

One 'friend' is treated differently than other 'friends': most of her guy friends get to have an occasional lunch or trip to the bar after work with your girl, because after all, they're just friends. But one guy stands out, one guy gets to go to fancy restaurants with your girl, maybe even some that you've been to. This is not necessarily a sign that something has happened yet, but it's a sign that something might happen down the road. Because nevermind what she's telling you by her actions, she's telling this guy that she's trying to get romantic with him.

 

She's acting different since she met her new 'friend': She met a guy at a club and they exchanged numbers. She claimed it was just another new friend of hers, but you've noticed that ever since then, she just hasn't been into your relationship as she used to be. Although often a telltale sign be careful to rule out other potential causes of erratic behavior. Maybe work is causing her stress or something else is on her mind. But at the same time, monitor her new relationship carefully.

 

Secrecy: if she is unmistakably trying to hide someone from you, that is never good. If she's been communicating with guys Steve, Bill and Tom, and you know those guys, but don't know about a guy named Brad who she's been emailing and hanging out with for the past couple of weeks or months, that's a bad sign.

 

She's flat out lying about the nature of their relationship: If you've caught her in a lie about someone she has apparently seen not at all or only a little (when in fact she's seen him a lot), it's almost a given that something's going on. If a trusted friend of yours saw her and a guy friend together on Friday night when she told you she was at home alone studying, that's a major, major warning sign.

 

Obvious romantic hints Obviously, if she's sending him e-mails or text messages with some sort of romantic overture, you can almost bank on it that your eyes are not deceiving you, that he's in and you're out, and that's the way it's going to be from here forward.

 

Most of these are potential warning signs, and a few of these are serious enough to question the nature of your relationship. A few of these in tandem and I'd say you've got a problem on your hands.

Posted
I am as addicted to LS as you are. I find the forums informative, and they are a good support system most of the time. If there is one flaw in LS it is that you can occasionally find too much negativity if you look for it. Mind you - and I want to be clear on this - this is NOT LS's fault - there is nothing this or any other web site could do to change the dynamic except to mandate posting only positive love stories. It's just that when you have a section on infedility, a section on dating, and a section on 'in search of' you're going to encounter people who are insecure, who are using this to vent at a time of maximum anxiety about their relationship. It is not necessarily reflective of how relationships work in general.

 

I was already thinking this before I even read Amerikajin's post. Let me tell you, since I've joined LS and read all of the horror stories I have become a bit paranoid myself! I would constantly bring things up to my SO about reading how this girl did this to this guy and this guy cheated on his girl and she had no clue... he finally just came out and told me how he had noticed how paranoid I had gotten since I had joined the site and I realized how unhealthy it was.

 

But you have to realize that people post on the Infidelity and Cheating forums because they are in a bad situation. You aren't going to find good positive stories under the OM/OW forums. Of course those people have problems, thats why they are here. I had a slight communication problem when I first joined LS, thats how I found it. That situation is long gone and I'm still here reading.

 

John, you seem to have made yourself paranoid and untrusting. You are becoming obsessed with trying to find if your gf is cheating on you. Can you explain to me how that is healthy? I didn't say explain how this will benefit you, I said healthy! It isn't. Look how miserable you already are. 3 years is a long time! I would think you are close enough to your gf to know her pretty well by now. You will only bring doubt and distrust into the relationship, and she will detect it and it will put a strain on your relationship. If one person isn't happy in the relationship, it affects both partners.

 

Here is a suggestion, stop looking at the Infidelity forums and start looking for the positive stories. I've said this many times that negitivity and positivity are extremely contagious!! If you are looking for something, you will find it!! You will eventually find something you are not happy with and sabotage your otherwise healthy relationship because you are looking for something. Wanna know how I know this? Because I've done it before.

 

I don't care how you look at it or for what reason... snooping in other people's private affairs is wrong. I'm not just saying that to stick up for your gf, I'd say the same to her if she was the one posting this. I would say the only rational reason for doing so is if you have proof that she is being unfaithful or she is acting very suspiciously, e.g. coming home very late at night with no reason, making numerous excuses to go outside for a phonecall, stange men calling your house.

 

I really hope you get a new positive attitude about your relationship because the way your going, I really can't see how your relationship could possibly prosper with all of this doubt and deceit. JMHO

Posted

Listen man, trust her. If the red flag goes up, DON'T BE A PUSHOVER. Confront her and tell the guy she's talking with to move on...

 

Set boundaries like one of the other posters mentioned. Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with talking to members of the opposite sex as friends if you're in a LTR. Hell, she might even find it a bit cute and reassuring you're getting a bit jealous. :laugh: But, who knows.

 

I'm a little iffy about checking her account and stuff, but people do some wacked out things when they're hormones and emotions mix into this little elusive concept we call "love" and "infatuation".

Posted
2. Frequent emails, like a back and forth of more than one a day

3. Hours spent online chatting with one person

 

I'd say all of these would be inappropriate if you were already with someone

 

 

I dissagree on these 2. I email and chat with my LS guy and girl friends several times a day on LS, and my personal email. I spend hours chatting with you and other j.carsey, and I'm not cheating or saying anything innapropriate. Like I said, its all about boundaries. I tell my SO who I chat with and I say things we talk about. He knows all he has to do is ask and I will show him all the emails if he wants to read them, which he doesn't because he trusts me. I think open communication is the key. If you start trying to hide stuff, then maybe the other perosn has a right to be suspicious, but it isn't ok to snoop in someone else's emails, it will always cause problems.

Posted

TA yeah I made amistake there, I should have said unusually frequent communication. Like something that sticks out. For example on MSN i hardly ever exchange more than a few words a day. If all of a sudden I was dedicating hours on MSN to a specific person, that's something unusual.

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Posted

Unless she made a secret brand new email account that I don't know about then she's only sent 1 email to this guy. She sent it on june 10th, 2006. As far as I know she hardly ever leaves the house unless it's to go to the grocery store or the doctor. Very rarely does she go away for the night. She lives with her parents. She's 28. I just turned 26. Even if he did come over to the house he couldn't spend the night with her. Her parents would not allow that I know because they don't allow me to sleep over her place. So she'll usually sleep at my place or we get a motel.

 

She has no transportation and her driver's license is suspended. Her father would have to take her anywhere she wants to go. She lives in a small town so there's not much to do. She would have to drive an hour away to go into the big cities. She spends her days milking and watering goats, feeding chickens, laundry, cooking meals for her uncle who has medical problems. She's got lots of medical problems in her family including her father so I can understand and support her and respect the fact that she takes care of her elders.

 

I feel like calling her tomorrow morning. No I'm not going to make her aware of my suspicions. I am keeping my suspicious to myself. I feel like calling in the morning just to test the waters as to what she's feeling. She didn't call me tonight. We haven't talked since last night's IM conversation. If I sense any irritation in the tone of her voice then I'll end the call quickly and leave the ball in her court to call me. It's getting harder for me to limit my contact to only twice a week.

 

She seemed very much into the relationship until the tail end of our visit last friday evening. She got into a big argument with her father that evening and then afterwards told me she was not in the mood to cuddle. She said some things to her father that she regretted soon after.

 

I don't know if that's normal or not to not be in the mood to cuddle. If it is then I don't have a problem with her not being in the mood. She's been having alot of back pain and hand pain lately too. I don't know if this is enough to decrease her sex drive. I don't think she's just using these ailments as an excuse. She told me she has to go in for surgery next friday. At least her story is consistent. I guess if this is a new pattern of hers then I should keep an eye on her. If it's just a phase that's short lived and will correct itself then I guess I have nothing to worry about.

 

So ladies I ask you is your sex drive high all the time around the clock when you are really into your partner?? Does that mean any medical ailments that you encounter never stand in the way of your sex life even temporarily? I know for myself that if I'm feeling disturbed about something going on in my life or if I'm feeling bad about something I said or did to a relative or friend or acquaintence then I'm not in a talkative mood with my gf. I won't even enjoy the sex as much because I'm obsessing over something disturbing that happened to me during the day.

 

Actually this just happened to me in the middle of last week. I was having car problems and I was worried about how serious the problem was and how much it would cost me to get repairs. My obsession with my car was enough to put me in a quiet mood and my gf noticed that. That same night she opened a private chat room for the two of us on paltalk. I apologized to her for seeming distant because I was thinking about my car. She said she kind of figured that and understood.

 

The ironic thing is that when I'm not having women problems I'm usually having problems in another department. I guess that's how life is on planet earth! I am planning to see my gf on the 4th of July. It is my desire to go to the carnival in her county and see fireworks. She said she does not know what she wants to do because she doesn't know how she's going to feel at the time. I told her that it does not matter just as long as we spend time together that day. Now she has not declined. She has not told me not to come. This was as of the last time we talked.

Posted

John, reading your posts are exhausting because you overanalyze everything!! You write so much and I have yet to read anything about your gf that sounds even remotely suspicious. She sounds perfectly normal. The only thing that doesn't sound normal is the fact that you guys only talk twice a week? Damn, I'd miss my SO so much!! It would make me sad that he didn't want to talk to me often.

 

Please explain what is making you so damn suspicious because out of everything you said, I don't read a thing about it.

 

So ladies I ask you is your sex drive high all the time around the clock when you are really into your partner?? Does that mean any medical ailments that you encounter never stand in the way of your sex life even temporarily? I know for myself that if I'm feeling disturbed about something going on in my life or if I'm feeling bad about something I said or did to a relative or friend or acquaintence then I'm not in a talkative mood with my gf. I won't even enjoy the sex as much because I'm obsessing over something disturbing that happened to me during the day.

 

Everyone is different. No two women (or men) are the same. As for me, if I'm not feeling well or have had a bad day then chances are I'm not very horny.

Posted

I talk to my guy friends often... people that I've been friends with for years. My boyfriend knows about it, and I don't say anything to them that I wouldn't say if he were sitting right next to me. There's nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex just because you're with someone. He trusts me, and he knows I wouldn't do anything to hurt him or betray him... so he doesn't mind me talking to them.

Posted

I'm totally with Tim's Angel - there is nothing suspicious about her behaviour. She's sent one email. She didn't want to cuddle with you because she was upset about an argument with her father. If you keep making these wild leaps and accusations you will end up alone and bitter! Please, just trust her or break up with her and work with a counselor on your trust issues, because you are going to drive yourself and her insane!

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Posted
I'm totally with Tim's Angel - there is nothing suspicious about her behaviour. She's sent one email. She didn't want to cuddle with you because she was upset about an argument with her father. If you keep making these wild leaps and accusations you will end up alone and bitter! Please, just trust her or break up with her and work with a counselor on your trust issues, because you are going to drive yourself and her insane!

 

 

Well I have not driven her insane because I have not made her aware of my suspicions. I know not to say anything. I just called her this morning like I said I would. She did not sound irritated in the tone of her voice. I was almost expecting her to be. But surprisingly she sounded happy to hear from me.

 

She answered the phone saying "hi dear". She has caller id so she knows when I'm calling. We talked for a good 30 minutes. I asked her how she's doing. We still have plans for the 4th of july to see the fireworks. She has only one request for me. That request is that I must sit next to her the whole time during the fireworks event instead of standing at the fence and jumping up and down like a little kid. I did that for the last 3 times we went to see fireworks. So I agreed to it. I think it's a fair compromise.

 

The scary thing about a girl who's cheating or about to break up with someone is that she might be overly attentive with her boyfriend in order to throw off any suspicisions she thinks he might have. I read that on another website somewhere about the signs of a cheating girlfriend. She might be underly attentive or overly attentive.

Posted

Sigh.

 

 

I just called her this morning like I said I would. She did not sound irritated in the tone of her voice. I was almost expecting her to be. But surprisingly she sounded happy to hear from me.

 

These little "tests" of yours are not healthy. Please stop testing her.

 

The scary thing about a girl who's cheating or about to break up with someone is that she might be overly attentive with her boyfriend in order to throw off any suspicisions she thinks he might have. I read that on another website somewhere about the signs of a cheating girlfriend. She might be underly attentive or overly attentive.

 

So, really there is no behavior pattern she can exhibit where you will not think she is cheating? "Oh my God, she kissed me twice this morning! She must be cheating!" It sounds like you two have a good relationship. Just enjoy it and stop anticipating its demise! STOP LOOKING FOR SIGNS OF CHEATING. What good can this possibly do? Will it stop her from cheating? No. Will it make you feel better? No. It will just increase stress and tension.

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Posted

I truly believe that everyone should strive to get close to outgrowing the need for coming to loveshack. I am striving to do that myself. Because there is always room for improvement in a relationship I think we will all need to come here from time to time. Obviously if our relationships were perfect then this board would close down fast.

 

No matter how good things are in the relationship there is always room for improvement. Of course it takes two willing spirits to make the relationship work not just one. As long as I'm doing my best then I have 50% of the equation solved. The other 50% is up to her.

 

I'm going to go out on a limb and give my girlfriend the benefit of the doubt. I think it's only fair to her that I do that since I have no evidence that she's fooling around behind my back. We'll see if this relationship lasts another 6 months. Remind me to give an update around christmas time of this year. July 4th will mark our 3.5 year anniversary.

Posted
.I'm going to go out on a limb and give my girlfriend the benefit of the doubt.

 

The doubt of what???? I have asked you several times on this thread and another of your threads what it is your gf is supposed to be doing and you won't answer me. I think it is because you know there is nothing, just your suspicious, untrusting mind.

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Posted

I've had lots of time away from this place to reflect and I remember asking my girlfriend awhile back if she thinks we need pre-marital counseling. She told me no. I still want us to go to counseling but I will not make her go. I will go on my own. Should I still tell her I'm going or should I be discreet about it?

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Posted

Loveshack is like taking a course at a local center for self improvement. We all grade each other on how we are doing. I'm striving to get an A+ so I can graduate from this place and not need it anymore. Only those who have an A+ in their relationships are eligible for graduation because they have outgrown their need for LS.

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