Is he gonna leave?

[incognito]

Long story short...I sorta long-distance dated a guy for two yrs and didn't know he was married...I spent a lot of time online w/ him...to the point where when I thought he might be married I pushed it outta my head because I just didn't see him having any time for another girl. Well...I did find out he was married but I was also right, he doesn't spend much time w/ her at all.

 

Fast forward past lots of heartache and forgiveness and I am still in contact w/ him and I know he absolutely loves me....we just spent 5 days together on a trip that his wife obviously didn't know about. NOw he's back home and even though I know he loves me....I don't think he'll leave her. Ever.

 

I know this. Someone tell me I'm right so I can do what I have to do

[whichwayisup]

He isn't going to leave her. If he really wanted to be with you, he'd divorce his wife - NO matter how painful it would be for her, and he'd be with you.

 

You are right! And I think you know what you need to do.

 

Look, the guy LIED to you, omitted the truth! He IS married and has strung you along, making it seem like there could be a future with him. I bet he does care for you, alot, but he is also enjoying having his cake and eating it too.

 

He's lying to his wife, who knows what other lies/omissions of truth he's told you. He isn't trustworthy or worth YOUR time.

 

I hope you can end it with him, heal and find a man who will love only you.

[bunset]

I don't have a crystal ball, just an observer of history.

History shows, HE WON"T LEAVE HER.

 

But nothing is absolute.

 

That said, if I had hope that ,my xMM would leave, I'd want him out on his own for a while, before I'd attempt another relationship with him, anyway. He'd need to get his head on straight. In the meantime, I deserve to enjoy an uncomplicated love.

I bet you do too.

[zarathustra]

Long story short...I sorta long-distance dated a guy for two yrs and didn't know he was married...I spent a lot of time online w/ him...to the point where when I thought he might be married I pushed it outta my head because I just didn't see him having any time for another girl. Well...I did find out he was married but I was also right, he doesn't spend much time w/ her at all.

 

Fast forward past lots of heartache and forgiveness and I am still in contact w/ him and I know he absolutely loves me....we just spent 5 days together on a trip that his wife obviously didn't know about. NOw he's back home and even though I know he loves me....I don't think he'll leave her. Ever.

 

I know this. Someone tell me I'm right so I can do what I have to do

Until you tell him that he's not getting more, you are enabling this affair. If you want him to be yours you need to take care of yourself first. Find the time to know yourself and do the things in life that makes you happy. Read a new book, take a new course, take up a new hobbie, etc. In the process, tell him that you will no longer be his toy on the side and until he wants to make you the only one in his life, then he has no business fooling with your heart.

 

He won't leave otherwise. He's a cake eater.

[Sami_D]

Well, since you took a long time to ask about whether he was married or not... Have you asked him whether he intends to leave his marriage, or has he even thought about it?

 

Do you have conversations about this?

 

How long is your real-life time with him, compared to the time you've spent online?

[incognito]

Well, since you took a long time to ask about whether he was married or not... Have you asked him whether he intends to leave his marriage, or has he even thought about it?

 

Do you have conversations about this?

 

How long is your real-life time with him, compared to the time you've spent online?

 

Don't assume I didn't ask if he was married. He lied to me about it. And he tried many times to end things w/ me but doing so w/o telling me he was married cause that would hurt...I didn't listen too well cause I still wanted him and didn't understand why he didn't want to be w/ me when I knew he loved me. He did not set out to become involved w/ another girl.

 

I also don't believe I am his "toy" ..at least in that way...we've never had sex. We started out as friends, became really good friends, became best friends and it went from there. This whole relationship was an accident on both sides

 

So yes...we've discussed him leaving...it's a big thing. I know he's happier when he's w/ me. But I also know it's a hell of a lot easier to just stay w/ her and have me for emotional support.

 

I've spent time w/ him in person, obviously, but not nearly enough....I personally can't ever get enough ...but it's been enough for both of us to know it'd be incredible to be together.

 

As good as we are together, it's still easier to stay w/ her.

[whichwayisup]

He also made vows to his wife, so it's not just about it being easier for him to stay with her. He's allowed himself to have feelings for you, possibly deep ones, AND he loves his wife. That has to be confusing and it's like a balance now. He won't feel the same as he feels now without one...He needs BOTH of you to fulfill his needs and feelings.

[Sami_D]

Don't assume I didn't ask if he was married. He lied to me about it. And he tried many times to end things w/ me but doing so w/o telling me he was married cause that would hurt...I didn't listen too well cause I still wanted him and didn't understand why he didn't want to be w/ me when I knew he loved me. He did not set out to become involved w/ another girl.

 

I also don't believe I am his "toy" ..at least in that way...we've never had sex. We started out as friends, became really good friends, became best friends and it went from there. This whole relationship was an accident on both sides

 

So yes...we've discussed him leaving...it's a big thing. I know he's happier when he's w/ me. But I also know it's a hell of a lot easier to just stay w/ her and have me for emotional support.

 

I've spent time w/ him in person, obviously, but not nearly enough....I personally can't ever get enough ...but it's been enough for both of us to know it'd be incredible to be together.

 

As good as we are together, it's still easier to stay w/ her.

 

So he actually out-and-out lied to you about being married, despite the fact that you asked him directly?

 

OK... well I don't know whether it's worth me asking again, given that he lied to you about that small matter BUT... when you talk to him about him leaving what does he answer?

 

Essentially, you've answered your own question really. You've said it's easier for him to stay M to her and have you on the side for emotional support. That is the fact. And unless he really loves you, and you go NC on him explaining why you're doing it (that you want the real deal or nothing), this is just going to go on and on.

 

Having said all that, I come back to my first point... he lied to you about being married. Bare faced lied. And then gave you a lot of reasons why it was 'easier' and 'less painful' for you if you didn't know he was married??

 

If it were me, I wouldn't spend another minute thinking about him. He doesn't deserve you.

[incognito]

He also made vows to his wife, so it's not just about it being easier for him to stay with her. He's allowed himself to have feelings for you, possibly deep ones, AND he loves his wife. That has to be confusing and it's like a balance now. He won't feel the same as he feels now without one...He needs BOTH of you to fulfill his needs and feelings.

 

 

 

wow...that's actually really true isn't it....never thought of it that way:confused:

[incognito]

So he actually out-and-out lied to you about being married, despite the fact that you asked him directly?

 

at the very beginning, when we first met, yes....that was an out and out lie. But at the time, neither of us had any intention of becoming involved as anything more than friends. We very quickly connected and I quickly fell for him....and then he was caught up in a lie that he couldn't get out of w/o hurting me. And I understand that cause I was there..I know how quickly things happened and I know how he did try to end things w/ me

 

OK... well I don't know whether it's worth me asking again, given that he lied to you about that small matter BUT... when you talk to him about him leaving what does he answer?

 

Well...we discuss being together quite a bit...but that's definitely different than discussing him leaving. That part of the conversation has come up a lot recently and he says it's a big decision...life altering. He's afraid of what his parents, who are deeply religious, would think of him if he divorced, not to mention had an affair. His dad has also been just diagnosed w/ an incurable disease...and it's been a hell of a yr for him so far....so on that end I do empathize w/ him. However, I still have this gut feeling that if he really wanted to be w/ me....nothing would stop him

 

Essentially, you've answered your own question really. You've said it's easier for him to stay M to her and have you on the side for emotional support. That is the fact. And unless he really loves you, and you go NC on him explaining why you're doing it (that you want the real deal or nothing), this is just going to go on and on.

 

yes...I know you're right

 

I also know NC would kill him

 

Having said all that, I come back to my first point... he lied to you about being married. Bare faced lied. And then gave you a lot of reasons why it was 'easier' and 'less painful' for you if you didn't know he was married??

 

If it were me, I wouldn't spend another minute thinking about him. He doesn't deserve you.

 

yeah....that's what he says too.......

[whichwayisup]

wow...that's actually really true isn't it....never thought of it that way:confused:

 

That's HOW you have to think of it. They have a history together, possibly children(?), family, inlaws, friends...A house, neighbours and a life they've built together and gotten accustomed to. He isn't going to give up that up for someone he doesn't know too well, even though he has feelings for you. I don't mean to sound harsh or hurt your feelings, but don't fool yourself into thinking that what he has with his wife isn't good. Not saying you are... And he could be telling you things (made up things) about her so he can justify his actions with you.

 

Just don't fall for everything he says. Be aware that he has lied and will continue to lie. Not malciously, but he will keep it going so he can have things HIS way. Hope that makes sense.

[whichwayisup]

I also know NC would kill him

 

So what? It's killing you now seeing him and HE knows it. Also, he's a big boy and can deal with the fact that you ended things cuz he is MARRIED.

 

What's the less of the two evils? Sure you will hurt like hell for a while, but you WILL get over him if you do NC and end it. If you stick with him, you're going to be dealing with this rollercoaster ride, the pain and confusion of wanting someone you can't actually have the way you want. IS it worth it? Don't you feel you deserve someone who will love just you? Someone you don't have to share? Be second or third on their list? You deserve to be put FIRST - Just not with this guy...

[incognito]

That's HOW you have to think of it. They have a history together, possibly children(?), family, inlaws, friends...A house, neighbours and a life they've built together and gotten accustomed to. He isn't going to give up that up for someone he doesn't know too well, even though he has feelings for you. I don't mean to sound harsh or hurt your feelings, but don't fool yourself into thinking that what he has with his wife isn't good. Not saying you are... And he could be telling you things (made up things) about her so he can justify his actions with you.

 

Just don't fall for everything he says. Be aware that he has lied and will continue to lie. Not malciously, but he will keep it going so he can have things HIS way. Hope that makes sense.

 

 

They have no kids...but yes, they have built a life together.

 

Although...he DOES know me, and well.

 

Don't forget that we started out best friends....not sure what that means to anyone else but your best friend is usually who knows you best.

 

And we know each other so well that I know that he is not lying to me. He is more concerned about my feelings in all of this than he is his wife's and he is very upfront about her. He's told me he loves her and if anything happened to her he wouldn't know what to do w/ himself. He's also told me that if she and he were to get divorced, that'd end their relationship...she would not be friends w/ him. Whereas...he knows (thinks) that if he stayed w/ her...him and I would still be friends and maintain some semblance of contact. So yes...I see that I am enabling this relationship cause he's right....I'm not making him leave and he's going to continue having his cake and eating it too...as long as I let him. This causes him a lot of stress...the thought not having a relationship in some capacity w/ either one of us. And sometimes I get it through his head that I don't want a relationship like this and he starts pulling back on me...and that's when I panic...and that's ALL my fault

[incognito]

So what? It's killing you now seeing him and HE knows it. Also, he's a big boy and can deal with the fact that you ended things cuz he is MARRIED.

 

What's the less of the two evils? Sure you will hurt like hell for a while, but you WILL get over him if you do NC and end it. If you stick with him, you're going to be dealing with this rollercoaster ride, the pain and confusion of wanting someone you can't actually have the way you want. IS it worth it? Don't you feel you deserve someone who will love just you? Someone you don't have to share? Be second or third on their list? You deserve to be put FIRST - Just not with this guy...

 

yeah ...I know..you're absolutely right.

 

Isn't there a time frame to give him though? to put things in order, work himself up to such a big change in his life?

[bunset]

yeah ...I know..you're absolutely right.

 

Isn't there a time frame to give him though? to put things in order, work himself up to such a big change in his life?

 

That just may be the $64,000 question.

I know that everyone and evry situation is different.

But I do know that there is NO WAY I could put a number on my situation, and in that case, it would just be best to end it and each of us do whatever we're going to do.

I know that my xMM is supposed to be working on his marriage, and that I'm working on ending mine.

We've mutually gone NC (only 10 days now) but I'm not looking for anything more from him.

I wish I could offer more than my experience, but there are others who may know better.

[Guest]

at the very beginning, when we first met, yes....that was an out and out lie. But at the time, neither of us had any intention of becoming involved as anything more than friends.

 

Now HOW contradictory is THAT sentence? This creep LIED about being married - but had NO intention of being more than a friend?

 

Then WHY lie about his marital status?

 

Take off the rose colored glasses, hon.

 

You've got yourself a lying, manipulative, self-centered, JERK-OFF loser who took you for a ride from DAY #1. You're not a victim. You're a volunteer.

[Guest]

at the very beginning, when we first met, yes....that was an out and out lie. But at the time, neither of us had any intention of becoming involved as anything more than friends.

 

Now HOW contradictory is THAT sentence? This creep LIED about being married - but had NO intention of being more than a friend?

 

Then WHY lie about his marital status?

 

Take off the rose colored glasses, hon.

 

You've got yourself a lying, manipulative, self-centered, JERK-OFF loser who took you for a ride from DAY #1. You're not a victim. You're a volunteer.