Guest Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 This is going to be a long one so strap yourselves in... I have been dating this guy for over two and a half years. We love each other very much but have had our share of problems in our relationship including cheating on both ends. Recently we have been discussing the possibility of marriage. I have come to realize that I am not ready for it, whereas he would marry me tomorrow if he could. I have told him if he’s willing to wait around for a year or so that we can discuss getting engaged. He unintentionally pressures me and makes me feel uncomfortable when he tells me things like he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I have doubts about our relationship but he has never been more sure. Part of the reason I have doubts about our relationship is because we currently live 4 hours apart. At best, we talk twice a week on the phone and 2-3 times via e-mail. I find this inadequate but we are both very busy people (working two jobs.) This sometimes (okay, a lot) makes me feel like I am not a priority to him, though he tells me time and time again that I am. He doesn’t e-mail or call as frequently as I would like and then I don’t feel obligated to contact him either. You can see where this might result in a vicious cycle. I feel the physical distance is affecting our relationship and causing an intimacy problem. How can I have a relationship with a boyfriend who I have seen only 5 times this year? He also has these ideas which conflict with reality. For example, he doesn’t believe in monogamous relationships yet he is in one and he believes I should just forgive him for the past without having to earn back his trust. These things don’t sit right with me. He is not the kind of person who says one thing and does another. His life is a reflection of him down to the very last detail. We have discussed his ideas not matching up with reality at great length and I am still not at peace with the whole thing. The more we discover about each other the more we realize we exist within two different realities. We know the way to bridge that gap is through communication but he tells me he wants me to exist in his reality. What about mine? Shouldn’t I want him to exist in mine too? To complicate things further, we are planning to go on an extensive backpacking trip through Europe together later on in the year. I don’t want to go alone but he’s the only other person who agreed to go with me. If we break up, I don’t get to go! As selfish as it is that is one of the things which has kept me in the relationship. I’ve told him this though. I honestly believe one of the things holding is together (other than love of course) is our shared experiences. We have traveled and seen so much together (despite only being 24) and its something about which we are both very passionate. We love each other but how long do we wait to “fix” our relationship? Given the distance, therapy isn’t even really an option. Moreover, if we can’t “get it together” while we’re dating do we even really have any business discussing a future? I find myself wondering what I should do and if it would be easier and better for us to break up. Though I have considered it in the past (mainly because of the cheating on his part and the trust repercussions there) I have told him recently if I don’t feel like more of a priority I will break up with him. Thanks so much for reading. Objective advice would be much appreciated under the circumstances…I’m at my wits end!
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