Amanda726 Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Since discovering my husband's EA, I feel alone. I can't talk to anyone about my feelings because the people I've talked to seem to want me to leave him, as if that is the easiest solution. I struggle daily with the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, the sadness, the anger, the frustration. My husband and I don't talk about it too much, because he says he knows any time he talks about his feelings for the OW, he can see the hurt in my eyes and he doesn't want to cause me any more hurt than he already has. I know he still loves her, he admitted it just last week. I guess it hurts me that I don't have 100% of his heart any more. I keep trying to convince myself that it was infatuation, but he told me, "I love her the way I love you." I love him with all my heart. Thanks for letting me vent.
Milf629 Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Have you started Marriage Counseling? My wounds are to fresh to be giving advice, but you have to start somewhere and Marriage Counseling is a good place.
sylviaguardian Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Amanda, Vent away, it's good to get it all out. One thing I found out about affairs is that unless you have been there, it's hard to understand. If one of my friend's had told me before that her partner had been involved with so but nothing had happened, I would have either thought so what, or I would have told them to leave to. I don't know anybody else whose partner has cheated on them but through talking to my friends I have found that other people also experience the feelings of being utterly alone. It is devastating to be so betrayed and I'm afraid you will have these feelings of anger, pain etc for a long time. How long ago did you find out? And how is your husband behaving now? When we are told things that are really hurtful, they take a long time to sink in so maybe it's best for you to only ask the things that you think you can handle first, or you could write down your questions so that your husband can write a response without seeing your reaction. What is the situation now? Has her husband stopped all contact with her? Sylvia
jmargel Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Since discovering my husband's EA, I feel alone. I can't talk to anyone about my feelings because the people I've talked to seem to want me to leave him, as if that is the easiest solution. I struggle daily with the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, the sadness, the anger, the frustration. My husband and I don't talk about it too much, because he says he knows any time he talks about his feelings for the OW, he can see the hurt in my eyes and he doesn't want to cause me any more hurt than he already has. I know he still loves her, he admitted it just last week. I guess it hurts me that I don't have 100% of his heart any more. I keep trying to convince myself that it was infatuation, but he told me, "I love her the way I love you." I love him with all my heart. Thanks for letting me vent. Amanda you tell him that the you can only truly love one person. The pairbonding that one has with another in that each of them would die for the other. He's acting like a spoiled child and for him to actually say that to you shows his disregard for your feelings. He is YOUR husband the one he said vows to, not her. I don't understand why he is in the marriage if he wants to be with this OW. Honestly your marriage has probably lost all of it's foundation. You need to find something to start building it up on. MC is the way to go but that is not going to change what he feels. Please also click on my link, it may help you. You probably feel your love & marriage for him is tainted, everything that was special about it is gone. There is NO excuse for what he has done to you and the reason why he did this isn't because of you. The more & more I read these posts on here the more I see how immature these cheaters are. They are in the marriage for what they can get out of it. Marriage is suppose to be the other way around. To love and not expect to get the same amount of love in return. However the love you do get needs to be considered a gift. Honestly you need some tough love here. As long as you keep him caged his feelings (whether it's love or something else) won't stop. Let him go, I can guarantee you that is the only thing that will really make him think. Only then when he realizes this woman isn't all what she's suppose to be will you have the option on whether you want to pursue MC for him or not. In the meantime I would suggest individual counseling. Don't base your self-worth on this man. He needs alot of individual help.
Author Amanda726 Posted June 28, 2006 Author Posted June 28, 2006 I probably should have been more specific. I was going to reply to Sylvia's post but I got tied up. There are no feelings of hate for him. No feelings of, get the hell out, I want a divorce. I love him and I want to make it work. I found out about the EA on June 6th. So it hasn't been that long. At first, he refused to stop talking to her, said that she is his only 'real' friend (in his defense, that is true, not making excuses for him, but his other 'friends' only call him any more when they want him to do something for them, ie fix their computer...he's really shy and has trouble making friends...he knew the OW from high school). Eventually I realized that he still has these feelings for her because he won't stop talking to her. Lately, he has barely talked to her. I have access to the cell phone records, so I know. At first, the amount he was talking to her was disgusting (296 minutes in ONE DAY!!) He has promised to stop that. Our relationship, oddly enough, has greatly improved since discovering about the EA. For the past two years, we went through a rough patch and we both pulled away from each other. My daughter was very ill when she was born, and was in and out of the hospital and had 3 surgeries by the time she was 9 months old. I had to deal with all this and I was spreading myself thin, so I guess I pulled away from him emotionally. I didn't realize how much this hurt him. I know this isn't an excuse for what he did, just trying to give some background. The past month has been incredible. We want to spend every waking moment together, we enjoy each other's company, and we are trying to go out of town for the weekend for our anniversary. Its like we have re-discovered feelings we had long since shut out. Marriage counseling, ah, we tried that. He hated it. He has agreed to get one of those self-help books and use that as a tool to re-build what we have. I am working on individual counseling, but at $85 a pop, we can't cut it right now (yes $85 is a lot to pull right now, we have 3 kids and I am a SAHM). Once our budget loosens up, he has agreed that I can go. *I* have a lot of issues I need to work on as well. I had a horrific childhood and it caused a lot of problems in my marraige (my pulling away emotionally, I had bouts of rage etc). I guess I just have some days that are better than others. Even though things are going well, we have a LOT to work through.
jmargel Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Then in the meantime I would contact your pastor or priest and see if you two can start going to counseling there. It's a way to strengthen your bond when you can't financially afford a counselor or psychologist. BTW most insurances will pay for counseling.
Kathleen2260 Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 First let me say how sorry I am that your husband did this to you. I can tell that you want to make this work with all your heart and you do not appreciate your friends/family advising you to leave him. I have been in that situation. Obviously your husband was missing something in your marriage and turned to his friend to fill the void. It is admirable that even though he has devastated you, you still chose to try to be there for him and fufill his needs. There is a great book I have read called His needs, Her needs (can't think of the author right now) that explains what men and women prioritize as their needs in a relationship. I sincerely hope that you can make this work, it sounds plausible because you are willing to provide him with what he felt was missing. However the first step in any healing process after an EA or PE or that your husband needs to end ALL contact with the OW. He needs to prove to you that YOU are the most important person is his life and he needs to let her go. Otherwise the EA may start again. It is an addiction of sorts and he needs to end any contact with her even if he considers her his only friend. He has you and he should consider YOU his best friend and life partner.
jorgeajorge73 Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 I broke up with my girlfriend a little over three months. When I was with her, I new she was cheating on me because all the lies just kept on piling up. She would stay out late or not come home at all. I worked two jobs in order to pay the mortage and the bills. At times when I would get home past midnight, she wasn't home at all. Her excuse, like always, "I was with my friends". On top of that, she drinks and parties. Until this day she never admitted to me. Just recently I began talking to her ex best friend. She only told me the times that she was cheating on me with her ex boyfriend and other men as well. One thing I want you to understand, is that the pain is always going to be there no matter how hard you try because you feel betrayed. I no longer talk to her or want to know anything about her. I carry alot of anger, bitterness, and recentment. This will be a true test for you. He is the one who's going to have treat like a princess because he is the one who made the mistake. Your love will be tough love - in you that question will always be hovering, why did he do it? why? If you truely love him then do what's best for the relationship, if he can't do his part, then you'll know what to do. JJ..
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