amerikajin Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Yeah, yeah, yeah....I know I'm a neurotic pain in the ass but I'm an old timer here so cut me some slack. Lately I've been putting distance between me and my girlfriend. To be honest, I'm not even sure we're actually boyfriend/girlfriend at this point, as it's a bit vague. We had a talk last Thursday after a movie and she could tell I was very distant. I tried to break up with her last Tuesday but she called and we agreed to see each other on Thursday. But when we met on Thursday, I told her I just wasn't sure about things anymore. She called me at home and we talked some more and I got kinda emotional 'cause I felt like I had been really rude and cold to her and felt bad about it. She said 'Well we're still together, so we'll still see each other'. I stayed over at her place on Saturday and she stayed over at mine on Sunday, but it just doesn't feel the same for me anymore. It's hard for me to get into the mood because I'm still thinking about things a lot (one of my biggest problems, overanalyzing s***). I've thought about some things and realize some of what I posted was true (i.e. not listening to me at times) but some of it might just be insecurity on my part. I don't know...as I told her, I feel conflicted now. I guess my question is, have you ever sorta lost the feeling and then gotten it back again? Ever thought 'Maybe I came to the wrong conclusion about her/him?' And if so, what was the result if/when you got back together?
laRubiaBonita Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 when you lose it, or think you may have, i think..... if anything Abscence makes the heart grow fonder.
Outcast Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 If she died tomorrow how would you feel? What does a future in which you never see her again look like? Does it darken or brighten?
MarnieGirl Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 when you lose it, or think you may have, i think..... if anything Abscence makes the heart grow fonder. and if it your heart groweth no fonder, you'll know. but...it might grow fonder and still not be quite right, so...yeah, wow, this is really hard, amerikajin. i guess it couldn't really hurt to take a break if you're not sure. you don't wanna just stay in half-hearted relationship.
jerbear Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 I personally got mixed feelings about getting the spark back. It can be done but requires work and communication. I had an ex who I had a talk after breaking up did I know she felt a certain way, I changed my ways and surprised her that I was that person she liked but was afraid to show it. So it is possible to get the feeling back. Requires understanding, work and communications. It requires both parties to work and sort of chase each other. Since you two know each other, sometimes one has to take a leap of faith and go against the flow of things and just do something spontaneous or out of the ordinary. Fullfill one item of one's "to-do" list; by doing something together. A bond gets created. Try some dancing lessons together, helps create a bond and understanding of each other. The flip side is, you two may find out either you're both left or both right feet and don't compliment each other. Pretty much can you two work together. It is pretty much back to square one of attraction, girl meets boy, boy likes girl settings. I had a friend couple who HAD to work together because there was no friends, they were away from family, friends, and general support network. Their parents (both sides) were strong heeled and said to them; we're not there to help you figure it out. Those two are still married and understand each other because they have a common cause that bonded them together. They figured it out. There was no easy way out, no D, no dumping, etc... My suggestion is are there common elements between you two?
laRubiaBonita Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 forgive me for the lack of knowledge.... how long have you been 2? and....... regardless..... there are sooo many awesome amazing persons.... i think if it was "it"....."right"..... it would not take so much out of you. but that you know all is NOT right, THIS is why you ask, this is what the "thing" is.
MarnieGirl Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 forgive me for the lack of knowledge.... how long have you been 2? and....... regardless..... there are sooo many awesome amazing persons.... i think if it was "it"....."right"..... it would not take so much out of you. but that you know all is NOT right, THIS is why you ask, this is what the "thing" is. who is 2? my message is too short.
Author amerikajin Posted June 28, 2006 Author Posted June 28, 2006 If she died tomorrow how would you feel? Oh, I would feel terrible of course, but I would feel that way if I lost any good friend. I guess that's what I'm confused about - do I see her as just a friend or something more after all. In the beginning, as you well know, there was no question about what I wanted from her. But over time, I have been annoyed by certain aspects of her personality and it has tripped my hair-trigger insecurity. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not a commitmentphobe and maybe I just make this crap up in my mind as some reason to call it off. I don't know...it's hard for me to be objective about myself, which is why I end up ranting here a lot. I've been in one relationship that really, really mattered to me, and when it ended, it really hurt. I don't know if I've ever fully recovered from it. It ended I guess in part because I'm bad at communication in relationships. I sometimes have issues with people but I don't know how to communicate my beefs without looking or feeling like a complete ass sometimes. I'm either too nice to the point of being a pansy or just a plain rude sonofabitch, it seems. I guess my bottom line is that I've only had one relationship in which I felt like 'Wow! I really connect with this person.' Everything since has been sort of ho hum - even this one, and she is probably the most physically attractive women I've ever dated. Yet there's a part of me that wants to believe that maybe I've been too hard on her (my current gf). She's younger than I am, and what's more, she's only recently moved away from her family, so maybe she's a bit sheltered in some ways. I think maybe her behavior is a combination of her just being approached by all kinds of guys who want nothing more than to get her naked, but also it's probably to do with just a certain degree of naivete on her part. For the longest time I thought she was indifferent to me, but over the last week she has really gone all out to show me that she wants to be with me. I don't know if this is just her pride/ego, or if maybe she has always wanted me and just realizes now that she hasn't been communicating that to me so well. I don't know...we tried to talk about it but we seem to talk around each other at times. I just don't know. I think my gut is telling me that I want to keep her around as a friend at the very least, though I'm not sure she'd be too cool with that - despite being the very one who hinted at something along those lines earlier in our relationship. I just don't know if we're right for each other in terms of romance. But I feel comfortable around her and I have to say that I like her as a person in whole.
laRubiaBonita Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 who is 2? my message is too short. how long have each of them been together to = 2
Outcast Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 She means a couple, I think. I thought she was being mean for a minute.
MarnieGirl Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 how long have each of them been together to = 2 oh, hahahahahahaha. sorry. brain lapse. ***i did too, i thought she thought i was insulting her with my post for a sex.
laRubiaBonita Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 oh, hahahahahahaha. sorry. brain lapse. ***i did too, i thought she thought i was insulting her with my post for a sex. have gotten there yet! jeeeeeze! sorry for the off-topic-ness AMERIKAJIN
MarnieGirl Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 have gotten there yet! jeeeeeze! sorry for the off-topic-ness AMERIKAJIN i was supposed to "for a sec" there. not for a sex. sorry. once again, back to you amerikajin.
SoleMate Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 The "Love Bank" model is the best predictive theory on romantic attraction I have seen so far. So I would rephrase your question as, "When the account goes in the red, does it ever go back in the black?" It should be clear that the account can go in the black if enough "deposits" are made.
Tenorman Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Its true we only get to hear your side. However the one thing that keeps leaping out at me in all your posts is that you are constantly blaming yourself, beating yourself up. Yet you seem to be the one doing all the work, investing all the energy in the so called relationship. Bet she isn't posting any heartfelt pain on loveshack or other forum. Bet she isn't wondering whether she's been treating you right or concerned about the health of your relationship. You are wondering why your engine is finding it hard to turn over. It is because you are running out of fuel. She is taking everything from you. She flashes you a little bit just to see how much more you will give her. I could be wrong but it seems to me she hardly gives you any fuel back in return. It seems to me you are blinded by her good looks. If a 'lesser' looking girl was to act the same way to you (and I won't repeat what you have said in other posts), you would not tolerate it. You would walk away in disgust. You are letting yourself kill yourself over this girl. Maybe it is what you need to do before you can start looking for the right things. There are many decent girls out there who are wanting to give yet you choose a girl who does not seem to want to give or feels she does not have to give. You need to get over her 'good looks' and start looking at her behaviour objectively.
gfto Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 For the longest time I thought she was indifferent to me, but over the last week she has really gone all out to show me that she wants to be with me. Only because you expressed to her your desire to "break up." I don't know if this is just her pride/ego, bingo! Women who are very physically attractive don't get dumped. It's anyone's guess why she's hanging around, but she'll be damned if she's gonna get dumped! So, she's "softening up" a little bit, because she senses that you've just about had enough of her crap. But, it's just a facade to reel you back in for some more abuse.
Author amerikajin Posted June 29, 2006 Author Posted June 29, 2006 bingo! Women who are very physically attractive don't get dumped. It's anyone's guess why she's hanging around, but she'll be damned if she's gonna get dumped! So, she's "softening up" a little bit, because she senses that you've just about had enough of her crap. But, it's just a facade to reel you back in for some more abuse. I've wondered if this wasn't the case, especially since the timing is coincidental. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt but at the same time, I don't want to be a complete sucker either. I think the other reason she might becoming a bit more humble recently is because she recently changed jobs. We both used to work in an office where there lots of young, horny guys and they were always hitting on her and showering her with attention. Now she's away from that and I think she's more isolated than she used to be, so in some ways it's made our relationship a little easier as of late.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 29, 2006 Posted June 29, 2006 Well, hot girls do hate rejection. AM, the way to decide on whether you should stay or go is this: do you still love her? Do you still care about her well being and making her happy? If you don't... then you should go. She's trying to hang on because she doesn't want to be dumped. Just the thought of it puts her in a panic mode - and she'll try all her might to 'fix' it. Once she senses that you are in her trap, she'll turn back to her old self. I can guarantee it! Her true nature does not consist consideration and kindness for others. That doesn't change. Good luck with the 'break-up'. I sincerely hope that you can walk away. I ddin't walk away from mine, and then I married him out of pity, guilty. (Yes, YOU can be suckered into marrying someone out of guilt, too!)
Recommended Posts