Guest Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 hi, I have a question. My boyfriend of over 5 years has never been an overtly affectionate person and I'm okay with it. However I find that over the years I want and need him to show that side of him towards me. I do feel a little insecure and feel as though he doesn't really love me. I am not expecting him to have his arms around me every minute, I just want him to hug or cuddle me in his arms. When I ask him to do that, he acts as though it's some chore, he doesn't want to do. One time I asked him repeatedly to hold me in his arms when we sleep and he got really irritated. We weren't even intimate with eachother that night since he said he was too tired. So I felt really weird lying beside him and having him turn his back on me. I just needed him to hold me for a bit until I was able to fall asleep. He still refused and than out of nowhere he blurts out " STOP FORCING ME TO LOVE YOU" I don't know about how other woman would react to this but it hurt like heck. I didnt have time to react because I was too busy being mad at him I didn't really say anything back to him at the time. Now thinking back, I should have questioned it. HOw could someone you have been with for all these years( going onto 8 years) say this to me. Yes maybe I was irritating him and he was annoyed but why did he have to say that to me. Now I feel so empty. I don't think I could ever forgive him because I wasn't forcing him to love me. I just wanted him to be more loving to me as I am to him. By the way we do not live together. What should I do now? Something is not right. I think this relationship is so over now. I feel it as though he is coming right out and telling me he no longer loves me and it makes me so sad.
Lennox Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Since you don't live with him, make yourself a bit scarce and hard to get a hold of for about a week or two. Give yourself time to get a manicure and pedicure done, do something you always wanted to do with your hair but were hesitant to do, and spend some quality time with girlfriends doing silly stuff like bowling or miniature golf...or whatever you and your friends like to do. It sounds like you're giving this guy too much control over your emotions and he needs a wake up call to appreciate you more. Either it will make him think about apologizing to you and start appreciating you more or it will confirm to you that it really is over. Treat yourself girl!
LightningRod Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Just talk it over with him. I do things that annoy my wife and she does things that annoy me. We tell each other and stop doing annoying things. Communication is key to any relationship working. You sound like a klinger to me, but that is just my impression based on little information. Sometimes people just need a bit of space. It could be that he just doesn't like sleeping with you in his arms because you radiate heat like a space heater. It could be nothing or it could be something, but how will you know unless you talk.
lonepearl Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 ...and i too got labelled too klingy by his friends who heard him say i was well..klingy he he. the fact is i understand that i didnt want him to be with me all the time nor hold me nor be reomanticy 24./7 but if you ask about it even once...its like "you think i should sit tied to you all my day and life? and never want to do other things? wh are you forcing me to do what i dont feel like it?" and in the end...you know the issues? - were more his own...and he took them out on me.. his insecurities...and the only way he knew how to get back at me was hurt me emotionally so that he felt a bit more equal rather than below me.. and yet i didnt make him feel lower - it was his own thoughts. + otehr factors liek the fact that i had suddenly gained weight and it was an embarrasment to him going to friends who might speak s*** about me - as the fat chick - whilst their gals were hot babes....and all thos frustrations came out this way.. no affection. maybe he is out of love or maybe he is still in love - but just lost... i agree with others that you need to talk to him. but not the same way you always try to.. because if those end up in fights because he just shouts (like mine did), you need a new approach...but i am not sure whether you have approached him at all and what changes we might need to think of in ways.. so more later once we hear a bit more from you! but i know..it hurts...real deep and no one can understand....unless they have been there...
slinkysu Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 hi, I think this relationship is so over now. I feel it as though he is coming right out and telling me he no longer loves me and it makes me so sad. I'd say go with your gut feeling and leave whilst you still have the strength to do so. To force something you know deep down inside isn't working will only prolong the agony and have you in situations as described above where you constantly get hurt by someone who isn't fulfililng your needs in a relationship.
stockmos Posted June 29, 2006 Posted June 29, 2006 I think there is a dangerous relationship vicious circle here. You want him to be affectionate. But people generally like to think that the way they behave is "okay". When you ask him to be more affectionate, he feels deeply hurt - he thinks the way he behaves should be okay as it is (in his eyes, it probably feels like you told him he was useless at his job) - hence his reaction. The result - he witholds affection. Vicious circle in motion. Rather than to ask for affection, another approach is to reward the affection you do get. So, say he touches you, just say "I love it when you touch me like that". This is much more affirming for him and will hopefully encourage him to do it more.
LightningRod Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 I meant to say that klingy isn't all bad. It is hard sometimes for men to deal with emotional women. We don't know how to fix things.
Guest Posted July 16, 2006 Posted July 16, 2006 I think there is a dangerous relationship vicious circle here. You want him to be affectionate. But people generally like to think that the way they behave is "okay". When you ask him to be more affectionate, he feels deeply hurt - he thinks the way he behaves should be okay as it is (in his eyes, it probably feels like you told him he was useless at his job) - hence his reaction. The result - he witholds affection. Vicious circle in motion. Rather than to ask for affection, another approach is to reward the affection you do get. So, say he touches you, just say "I love it when you touch me like that". This is much more affirming for him and will hopefully encourage him to do it more. This is the approach. Really, guys don't like to feel they're disappointing their women, so everytime you try to MAKE him show affection, he feels as if he wasn't doing a good job before, therefore, thinks you're disappointed. Well, that would work if he still loves you and that's the only problem you 2 have. Guys like to please their women, they just like to be reassured they're doing a good job!
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