"She wants time and space"

[MacGyver]

Hi people,

 

I recently got the "i need time and space" talk from my g/f and im now confused. We had been together for ~2 years, had started plans to get married, saw each other almost everyday. In the relationship, i sometimes had trouble communicating when she would talk to me about somethings that had been happening in the relationship. We would eventually talk about it and everything would be ok. The problem she said caused her to say this was the fact that even though we had spoken about it, i would still do it. The week before this happened, she stopped seeing me as much, and when she did she would only see me for a few hours and leave, when normally she would stay all day. Our sex life also became non-exsistant and we always seemed to be upset or arguing at eachother.

 

Anyways, what it was that I kept doing is forgotting simple things she had asked of me. eg. This is the one that sent her "over the edge". She had asked me to finish work a little earlier because we had planned to take her little cousins out to watch a movie. In the course of the day, i simply had forgotten this and the plans needed to be changed because of it. She wasnt happy.

 

This wasnt the first time this has happened, and yes i do have a shocking memor. I did try to fix it, but obviously not hard enough.

 

I know i was the cause of this break up, and i really want to fix it. The last night before she told me she needed space, she tried to talk to me and tell me the same problem we have been having, only producing her driving off in her car.

 

Anyways, typical stuff happened after that. She rang me up that night and said she wanted "time and space to sort out her life". She said she also "wanted to fulfill her dreams, hang out with friends". She sound very very upset, and like she reallly hated me. Being a typical Guy, i tried to convince her to stay, make her feel bad for doing it to me, etc.. which i know was a bad idea now. But here is the part where im confused.

 

We spoke about it after a few days and she said she still loves me and will always love me. I straight out asked her if she was just saying this to let me down softly, she said no in quite an upset way. I asked "is there hope we would get back together?" and she said "if i see those things i didnt like change in you later down the track, then maybe". What also doesnt help, which never bothered me, is the fact she is Muslim and im Catholic, and unfortunatelly, my parents burnt their bridge with her a few months ago. That was also something she said, something along the lines of "and you parents aswell". So thats the basic story so far, sorry for making it so long but something like this cant be explained in a few words.

 

So after a week of not talking, she sms'ed while i was at work yesterday asking how i was, and then called later that night just to talk to me. Why??? She asked me why i hadn't called, and i told her "because you said you wanted space". She then replied that if i needed to, i should call her, and that if i wanted to go out for coffee/movie/etc... as long as she wasnt busy she would come. During the phone conversation, she let it slip once, but said to me in these exact words. "I'm proud of you babe". What the HELL????? See why im confused? She wants space and time, then calls me and tells me she wants me to ring her if i ever need anything or someone to talk to.

 

Some other things i think are worth pointing out.

- I asked for my things back and she said "what do you want?"

- I had bought her a ring for her 21st, and asked if she was still wearing it. She said "yes for now"

- She told me the reason for this, saying she was unhappy and wanted to look after herself for awhile. Also that i needed to grow up and sort my life out.

- She has said she wanted to get married next year, but due to my money problems that wasnt possible for aleast a few more years.

- I believe the problem was my lack of communication when we had a problem.

- On the phone last night, she said that "You might meet someone else in the future"

 

What do i do guys/girls??? I dont want to lose her as i love her with everything ive got. I feel as though if i do leave her alone COMPLETELY, she will think im gone and give up. If i call/see her, i feel like im not giving her space and that i could be hanging in there only to later be put down like a sick dog. I know she said she wants me to ring her and go out with her every now and then, but what does that mean? She has also told me that she has hope that one day we will get back together.

 

I'm confused... I need someone else perpective on this, and experience. In the end, i know im the only one that truly knows what really happened, but i would like to see others perpective on this. Do i hang in there (which is what i currently want to do) or am i leading myself to another fall? Your thoughts please...

 

Regards

Rob

 

Edit: I forgot to add that we are meeting up on Thursday to go and cancle a Bed we had purchased and to see if we could seperate our joint mobile phone account. Which is under my name by the way. She also said that if we cant seperate it, that she would just pay my account and i could just tell her how much it was each month.

[AriaIncognito]

First of all, I'm sorry that you're hurting right now. It sucks. The "space" speech. I've gotten it before (as recent as this month) and it just leaves you wondering. However, if you really do want this woman to be in a relationship with you, and you really do want to make changes in yourself FOR YOURSELF, then i'd suggest doing so. Don't change just so she'll stay though, because you'll probably end up resenting her. You need to do things for yourself.

 

Good luck to you, keep us posted.

 

Jennifer

[MacGyver]

I do, and i will. But what do i do in the mean time?

[Diver012]

Part of true love is looking at someones "faults" and deciding if its something they can accept. Sometimes they can, and sometimes they cant.

 

I didnt hear anything that sounded so unreasonable that it would require a breakup, or "SPACE". The difference in religion though, could have been the catalyst that set this off perhaps?

 

Maybe she felt rejected by your family and she feels letting you go, is better for you and your relationship with your parents in the long run?!? Just Wild speculation on my part here...

 

She sounds like she is very confused herself...

 

Either way it turns out, I wish you the best. I hope it works out for you.

[AriaIncognito]

I do, and i will. But what do i do in the mean time?

 

In the meantime, you do what we are all doing. Keep yourself as busy as you can, and work on making yourself happy. You're lucky, some of us are broken up and trying to move on, you've still got hope on your side. :-)

 

Jennifer

[MacGyver]

Thank you soooo much guys/girls, and for anyone else going through something like this, i wish you all the best and stay strong.

 

I will let you know how thursday goes.

 

Thanks again, MUCH apperciated.

[Guest]

I think she's just confused. If you truly love her, give her the time and space she asked for. Hopefully, she'll come back, and you two will be even stronger than before. Think about her often. This is no time for "no contact" games. If she contacts you, tell her how much you miss her.

[copper]

something about your situation is very similar to mine

[MacGyver]

Well its thursday night and i just got back from seeing her, and OMG i wish i didnt have to go. Ends up we only got time to cancel the mobile phone contract and not the bed so we are going to have to see each other again. I feel like crap again, like the night she left me. All those feelings are back.

 

Anyways, she picked me up, i jumped in her car said hello and off we went. I didnt say much, she spoke like everything was normal. She asked me why i was quite and i said it was because its just not the same. She didnt say anything. I made her laugh a few times on the way. Got to the destination, got out and went to the store. While the mobiles were being fixed, she asked me for the battery that i had gotten from the mobile phone company. Since i got it for free, i gave it to her. I walked off and waited, she kinda came over looked at me and then gave me a hug. The hug was like a hug you give someone you love. She held me tight and it was a long hug, long enough i felt weird doing it for so long infront of the other customers. Anyways, i tried to stay happy, but couldnt. Just seeing her hurt. She asked what was wrong, i said nothing. She gave me that look, then i said "you know". She just looked away. Then for some reason she grabbed my face and gave it a soft queeze and rub, and she had a smile on her face, the one that you have when you care for someone.

 

This is driving me insane! What is she doing? What does she want? Anyways, we walked around, she tried on clothes and asked me how she looked in them. Like old times. I kept my distance from her while walking. She rang the compeny about the Bed, to ask if we could cancel it. The problem was that the bed was custom made, and around $4500. She rang, they said that you can cancel but you will lose 20%, thus $900. So then i tested her, and said, "Thats a lot of money gone to waste". She just said "ah well" in a "i dont care" kinda tone.

 

All was done, apart from the bed so she dropped me off home. Gave me a kiss on the check. I started to get out and she said do i get one. So i gave her one.

 

And now im trying this. I feel soo hurt guys. She sends out mixed signal. I dont know what to do. I think!! she shows me hope with the actions i explained earlier, and also shows me that she is not missing me one bit.

 

Right now i just want to ring her and tell her after we sort this stuff out, we cannot see eachother anymore. I might just do the NC, because i feel like if i dont im going to feel like this for god knows how long.

 

Can i have your thoughts please...

[MacGyver]

Guys, i just rang her and told her that im not waiting and letting go. She got really upset and started crying. She is returning my things tomorrow but i feel like ive done the wrong thing.

 

What have i done??? Did i do the right thing? HELP...

[magichands]

Guys, i just rang her and told her that im not waiting and letting go. She got really upset and started crying. She is returning my things tomorrow but i feel like ive done the wrong thing.

 

What have i done??? Did i do the right thing? HELP...

 

Done the wrong thing? What do YOU want??

 

What does, "I'm not waiting and letting go," mean?!

[ab30]

I've just gone through a 5 week 'break' with my now ex - and as you can tell our break didn't work out.

 

I feel what you are going through though and know how hard this is. Is so easy to allow these emotions to get the better of you and for you to lash out and make the wrong choices.

 

I can't help feeling that by telling her it was over that you were trying to hurt her back in some way. Perhaps you felt that if you said that to her that she'd realise what she was loosing and take you back there and then. If you do regret making that choice then you should explain to her that you didn't mean it and you are just confused and hurt at the moment.

 

She's giving you mixed signals which isn't fair though. She can't tell you that she wants a break but keep doing things which indicates that there is hope. As much as it hurts and I really know that it does, you should just give yourselves a couple of weeks apart. No calls, visits etc. Just time out. Use this time for yourself and make plans that will make you happy in the future.

 

Nothing I've read seems to indicate that you should break up and all relationships hit tough times. The strongest ones and the strongest people are able to get through them and learn by what's caused them. Don't change who you are for one person though. If you agree with what's she's said about you, then make those changes for yourself.

 

I really hope it works out for you.

[jmars]

Tough spot to be in Mac.

 

I'm in a similar position myself, save that my wife and I -- I can't bring myself to call her my ex yet -- also have a step-daughter and son together.

 

The no contact thing obviously doesn't work that great in my position, with kids.

 

I gave her space for, like, a week. Seemed like a freakin year! Anyway, then she was calling me, asking me to go shopping with her or to come over to her new place and spend a bit of time.

 

We got together for our Midsummer kindred blessing, and then I took her out for dinner for her birthday a few days later, but she sent me home right after and it seems that her emotions go back and forth.

 

Just the other day she came over to pick up the last of her things with the help of a guy she works with. I gave him a 10 - 20 second glare, but then said "hey, how are you" and then, when they couldn't fit her recliner through the doorway, I told them how to do it. Helpful and nice like.

 

Anyway, she got pretty choked at me for the glare, and wouldn't return my calls that night. I usually call when the kids are at my place and they want to say goodnight to their mom. And, you know, it also gives me an excuse to hear her voice.

 

We had an arguement on the phone the next day about it, but I dropped by her work on the way to the theatre with my son and things went smoother. We hugged, she slipped her hands up my sleeves and gave my armns and shoulders a rub, and we had a little kiss and told each other I love you.

 

She's supposed to come over today after work so we can talk.

 

But she is all about "the spark is gone". We've been together for 8 years. The "spark" is what draws to people together. The passion ebbs and flows, and it is friendship and commitment to one anothers wellbeing that endures, if anything.

 

Sorry for giving you all my babble on your thread, but there are a few parallels between our situations and how we are handling it. You know, she needs time and space, but she loves me, I'm her best friend and she would die for me, she thinks we should continue to be loyal to one another and not see others people, that if she wants sex I'll be the one she comes to. She has told both me and then the kids that we might move back in together after they've grown up (as her daughter is ADHD and has a couple other developemental disabilities that have casue ALOT of stress over the years, making our living together impossible at this point). But then there is this "no spark" nonsense.

 

I'm going nuts here.

 

Maybe I'll get some answers today.

 

I wish you well, mate.

[MacGyver]

Just want to say this.

 

We met up, she gave me back my stuff, i gave her back hers. We kissed, and waved good bye.

 

The end....

[Diver012]

Im very sorry that things didn't work out. God bless.