copper Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Hello I've been lurking here for a few weeks. Everyone here seems so helpful and kind for the most part, so I thought I would share my story and hopefully get some support and wisdom from some of you. I initiated complete NC with my boyfriend 2 weeks ago. We went out for 2 years, kinda off and on for most of that time. The "off" times were usually just a couple of days. For the first year or so, the main reason for our splits and the relationship not working was the fact that I was hot and cold with my love, and it took me a long long time to figure out how I felt about him. Lately I am realizing that much of my ambivalence comes from the fact that he told me he loved me within a week of knowing me, and seemed to want to get married after like a month. He said "I need you to need me." I would usually respond to his entreaties with "Love takes time! Love is more than just this feeling. Why would I "need" anyone! You barely know me yet." It always been these conversations that resulted in the breakups, because I would get emotionally distant from him, possibly partially because of his neediness, and partially because of my own issues. And, of course, everytime we'd break up I'd miss him and my feelings for him would return. Until the next cycle. About 6 months ago I realized what I was doing to him with my hot and cold affection towards him, and I decided on my own that I needed to sh*t or get off the pot, for both our sakes. I decide to commit to him, on my own. I decided to love him and accept him, and to stop doubting. I apologized profusely for making him feel invisible and unloved, and vowed never to make him feel that way again. And I never did. After that he would come to me with the full force of his love then quickly back away again. He started making plans to fulfill a dream of his -- a several-months-long trek through Asia. He stopped inviting me to hang out with his friends, we just saw each other one on one. I wanted to be patient with him, since he was patient with my yo-yo feelings in the past. But he slowly kinda stopped being there for me. 2 months ago he broke up with me, because he met someone 2 days prior, whom he thought he had a connection with that he was missing from me. He REALLY wanted to remain friends with me, though I told him it wasn't possible for me, and that we really shouldn't talk. But I tried anyway, because he wanted it so bad. Didn't see him for a month, though we would talk on the phone and say we missed each other and all that. So of course this new girl lasted maybe a week or two. Him and I started hanging out again, under the guise of friends, but of course we got back together again. And again and again. We'd talk about having kids then we'd break up 2 days later. It came to a point where he said he felt he needed to either marry me or split from me completely. I started feeling really insecure and saw myself getting a little bit needy and jealous. He's been getting a lot travelling done here in the US the past few weeks before going to Asia, mostly to places of his past. Part of his "finding himself" process I guess, taking stock of his life. He went to Portland to visit some friends about 3 weeks ago. I knew one of these friends was the ex-gf who left him 2 month before we met. She has a bf, so it's not like I was feeling paranoid. They kept in contact, I knew this. While he was there we had a phone conversation where it was revealed that his main reason for going there was to get some kinda "closure" with this ex-gf. They broke up 2.5 years ago! This was a shock that put our whole relationship in a whole new perspective for me. And the end of the phone call I told him "If you are going to be there for me, NOW is the time, I need you to either be there for me NOW, or just leave me alone!" This was absolutely true, especially since I was going through, and am still going through, a really really really tough time for various reasons. So he said "I guess we should just split then" and that was that. This was 2 weeks ago. About a week after this he sent me a Myspace message asking how I am and saying that he felt bad and misses his "friend very very much", and that he knew he probably shouldn't be writing me. I didn't respond. He sent me a "Happy Birthday" text 2 days ago. I didnt respond. I now realize that maybe he wanted to rush into things in the beginning to get back what he had with his ex-gf who'd left him 2 months before we got together, whom at one point he thought he was gonna to marry and build a life with, but replacing her with me. And it freaked him out that I needed time to build a relationship. Do you think this is true? I know he's in love with me, and I am him, but I guess love just isn't enough! We both wish we could figure out how to work it out but we're at such a loss. He is scared of me withdrawing again, I know this. There's was never anything bad with us - we respect each other immensely and have a similar view on life. Maybe there's a chance in the future -- but maybe this chance is what I need to let go of and delete him from my life. Now I find myself constantly checking his myspace profile, waiting for another message. I'm so afraid of completely shutting him out of my life! He's coming back here to LA in the middle of July and will be here for maybe a month before he goes off to Asia for god knows how long! Months and months.....and the though of never seeing him again kills me. Daily life without him is killing me already, I can't imagine my future without him. When he comes back it will have been a month of NC. But I am one click away from deleting him from my friends list but I can't do it, because right now it's all I have to hold on to, that and his favorite sweatshirt that he gave to me. I don't know whether to delete him once and for all, or wait out the storm a little bit longer and give us both some space and time for perspective. What happened????? What do I do? Are our problems too fundemental to be worked out somehow? I started writing this with a kind of clarity in my head, and I only meant to write a couple of paragraphs -- but now I'm confused as ever. Any insight from a perspective other than mine would be GREATLY appeciated.
MarnieGirl Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 myspace isn't ruining anything. you can't blame the myspace! nor can you blame the phone, the cell, the answering machine, the doorbell, or snailmail. there are all things you can ignore...you are the one looking and answering...you need to stop yourself. BLOCK HIM, DELETE HIM. delete your old myspace and make a new one without him as a friend on it, anything. good luck. he doesn't sound very stable, so you're probably better off without him anyway.
AriaIncognito Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Copper, Why do you think you were hot/cold in the beginning of the relationship? Did he do something, or did you have some other reason? How did you get past that, in order to actually give the relationship a chance? is there a chance that you knew deep down he wasn't gonna work so you didn't let yourself fall for him? Jennifer
Author copper Posted June 28, 2006 Author Posted June 28, 2006 myspace isn't ruining anything. you can't blame the myspace! nor can you blame the phone, the cell, the answering machine, the doorbell, or snailmail. there are all things you can ignore...you are the one looking and answering...you need to stop yourself. BLOCK HIM, DELETE HIM. delete your old myspace and make a new one without him as a friend on it, anything. good luck. he doesn't sound very stable, so you're probably better off without him anyway. You are right, the internet and my cell phone isn't ruining anything, though having these "luxuries" of modern society sure make it harder to break contact with someone these days..there's so many ties to cut now.....
Author copper Posted June 28, 2006 Author Posted June 28, 2006 Perhaps you should quit using myspace that would be nice, but one of my profiles is integral to a business I run...I suppose I could delete him from my personal profile and set my profile to private
AriaIncognito Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Man no reply to my questions, i feel left out lol Jennifer
Author copper Posted June 28, 2006 Author Posted June 28, 2006 Copper, Why do you think you were hot/cold in the beginning of the relationship? Did he do something, or did you have some other reason? How did you get past that, in order to actually give the relationship a chance? is there a chance that you knew deep down he wasn't gonna work so you didn't let yourself fall for him? Jennifer Jennifer, that is a question I've been trying to avoid answering for a long time. No, he never did anything bad. He's a very kind, generous, loyal, patient man (boy?), that always treated me well. He never cheated on me and never lied to me, anything like that. I would just sometimes look at him and be utterly not attracted to him, or bored by him, unchallenged. He's a bit weak in that he was always looking for someone to live his life though vicariously, instead of making his own choices. Waiting for someone to come along to make his life exciting. I always felt like I had a bit of the upper hand in the relationship, and this kinda bugged me. Every once in a while he's say "I don't think that I'm enough for you" and I'd reply with "That's not true" even though maybe my gut was saying "You're right" and I do not want to admit it. But I think it was just that he wasn't who I pictured being with in my minds eye before I met him, and was still harboring romantic holllywood notions of love. He wanted me to love him with my whole heart almost immediately after we started dating, even though he knew I had just gotten away from a damaging quasi-relationship with a troubled man. It's already pretty hard for me to open up to anyone, anyway. I told him at the beginning that I had a tendency to withdraw. I suppose this pressure he put on me had the effect of pushing me away some - I needed him to be patient. I decided to keep giving the relationship a chance because I felt like I was taking a wonderful man for granted and I didn't want to make the mistake of bailing out too early. I thought that if I allowed myself to open up to him and let myself go our relationship would be able grow. I felt like it became my CHOICE to love him, not a thing that just is there or isn't there. So I decided to love him, because he was a good man. And I began to see him get some goals in his life, which I found very attractive. But by the time I was ready to love him, he was drifting away. One of the last time I saw him he said "We have a better chance if you can figure out how to make yourself happy", if that gives you any more insight. I think he does want to get back together maybe somewhere down the line, once we've both done some work in "finding ourselves" or something. I dunno, I'm so confused. And I'm sure he is too. Maybe it was unfair of me to give him the "be here for me NOW or leave me alone" ultimatim? I dunno I just want him to say that he'll come back to ME when he gets back from Asia. He leaves open the possibility, but can't make any promises. Is it unfair of me to ask for one?
AriaIncognito Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 But I think it was just that he wasn't who I pictured being with in my minds eye before I met him, and was still harboring romantic holllywood notions of love. Hoy crap. I think you are my current ex in female form. I believe what you stated up above, is exactly why we aren't together now. I just wish I knew how to get him to the point you got yourself, where you let yourself fall for him. He pictured himself falling for a certain girl, and well, I'm not it (as I'm not jewish - though i've already mentioned i'd raise children jewish and even consider conversion). Man, can you talk to my ex? lol Jennifer
Author copper Posted June 28, 2006 Author Posted June 28, 2006 had a nightmare about him last night -- you know the kind where they're hanging out with some other girl and ignoring you -- i want to contact him sooo much today!! we've never gone so long without talking and it feels so horrible and wrong... someone please talk me out of it. I have to stick it out at least a month. So far its been only 2 weeks and I'm losing my mind.... I am NEVER EVER EVER going to go through this again. I swear the next guy I date is going to have to be the man I marry. I'm so done with this kind of pain!! ARGGGG.
Author copper Posted June 28, 2006 Author Posted June 28, 2006 Hoy crap. I think you are my current ex in female form. I believe what you stated up above, is exactly why we aren't together now. I just wish I knew how to get him to the point you got yourself, where you let yourself fall for him. He pictured himself falling for a certain girl, and well, I'm not it (as I'm not jewish - though i've already mentioned i'd raise children jewish and even consider conversion). Man, can you talk to my ex? lol Jennifer Jennifer doll he's gotta figure that out on his own. Maybe while he has the chance to miss you he will be able to take stock of things and maybe realize that he wants to change....but you can't count on it unfortunately. But he does have to have the chance to miss you before this can happen. And by the time he does realize it, it's likely you won't want him anymore...this is what seems to be happening to me....
AriaIncognito Posted June 29, 2006 Posted June 29, 2006 Jennifer doll he's gotta figure that out on his own. Maybe while he has the chance to miss you he will be able to take stock of things and maybe realize that he wants to change....but you can't count on it unfortunately. But he does have to have the chance to miss you before this can happen. And by the time he does realize it, it's likely you won't want him anymore...this is what seems to be happening to me.... I wish i didn't want him anymore. Maybe I wouldn't be agonizing so much over him being gone. Right now, all I want, is him, here, with me. I could care less about anything else in the world. Jennifer
Author copper Posted June 29, 2006 Author Posted June 29, 2006 Yeah, me too. More than anything. Ever. I am completely and utterly shocked at how devestated I am. I know I should be strong and concentrate on ME and what I want, but I feel myself just falling apart instead. If i was really ready for a relationship I wouldn't be totally falling apart, would I? Or maybe I am just extrememly sensitive -- I dunno. Sometimes I really wish I was the kind of person who is able to say "Ok, well, NEXT!" when they break up with someone. But lo, I'm not, and probably will never be. Watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind was a REALLY BAD IDEA, btw.
juliou20 Posted June 29, 2006 Posted June 29, 2006 Highly Recomended To Stop Using Myspace And Just Look For Other Methods Of Online Dating. I Found Mine Online You Should Be Able To Find Yours. Just Go Online And Look For A Webdate. Good Luck!
Author copper Posted June 29, 2006 Author Posted June 29, 2006 Highly Recomended To Stop Using Myspace And Just Look For Other Methods Of Online Dating. I Found Mine Online You Should Be Able To Find Yours. Just Go Online And Look For A Webdate. Good Luck! Thanks, but I don't do online dating and never have. I have never used Myspace for dating. The whole idea of online dating personally turns my stomach.
Schn00ginz Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 Ever time I go to MySpace, I only stab myself in the back. My ex bf and I dated for 5 YEARS. After he breaks up with me, he immediately starts dating this psycho from our past. She immediately puts her main profile picture as her and my ex making out after 2 days of dating. I confronted my ex about it and told him how much it hurt me. Well...I guess he asked her to take it off, and what did she do??? She puts up a slideshow on her myspace of more pictures of them making out. Now her myspace has a pic of them and "true love" under it. I am just sick and disgusted at this point and every time I look I only make myself more miserable, but yet there is a sick pleasure to it. Every time I look I also confirm what a loser she is and how immature and desparate for attention she is. But on the whole, MySpace is evil and should be avoided. I, however, am still trying to break the habit.
Author copper Posted July 1, 2006 Author Posted July 1, 2006 Schn00ginz - Ugh, that's awful! You really shouldn't put yourself through all that pain! If your ex is dating a loser, then he must be a bit of a loser himself, so count yourself lucky! So, UPDATE about my situation--- I am back in contact with my ex as of yesterday after 2.5 weeks of total NC. He's supposed to call today because he says he wants to "talk" or whatever. However, today, I woke up with an immense jolt of mental pain....then it was like....*poof*.... I don't think I care anymore! Just like that! I think I crossed some sort of pain threshold where my body said "enough" and couldn't take anymore. It's very strange -- not sure if it's real or what. I guess we shall see. I'm still curious what he has to say to me though....
Winfield Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 Ah, the good old internet! The perfect tool for keeping in touch with people... Or maybe not! See, I think the internet is both a blessing and a curse...and I've thought this for a long, long time. A blessing because, well, as I mentioned, you can keep in touch with people you know. A curse though, as not all of the information you find out about a person is what you would like to see (as is the OP's case with MySpace). Personally, the less I know about a woman who I'm dating, the better. Not enough not to know her, you understand, but I don't want to know her every move, etc. The internet has made "too much information" available to everyone. With some things, this is good (ie, study)...but with others (ie, personal webpages), I think it opens up a can of worms, particularly if you keep a "blog" page of someone you're dating ("Who's that in the photo?" "Who are they referring to when they said that?"). I liken blogs to diaries...and from what I can remember, diaries are supposed to be kept secret! To get to know a "date", I like to find out as much as I can from her in person, not from a website. Besides, before the internet, what did we do to find out about people? That's right - we asked them! And if we broke up with them...well, we heard very little (or nothing) of them again. Ah, the good old days now seem so uncomplicated!
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