Patricia Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Movingon; zarathustra; officespace; strivingto succeed. Sorry I come and go. Thank you for your posts. I appreciate the things you've written. But I've been making myself sick (still) worrying about whether MM will leave again and go back to W. He asked to come back April 30th. He's been showing me he wants to be with me. But she started their D again, which he says he wants. Yesterday was their 1st visit at courthouse. A mediation session. Knew it was coming for a month. Nervous about whether he'd leave before it could happen. He left me last time, end of March before their April 17th court date. So I was nervous, but he did go. He asked me to help him on-line fill out forms, etc. nite before. I expected him to call me once he finished and was coming back to work. But he didn't, and I only saw that he was back because he opened an email from me at his desk. I called him, and he said he was just going to call, said everything went ok, it was only about custody stuff. He didn't sound bad, but when I asked why he didn't call, he said that he just didn't, he had alot going on in his mind, and he was stressed. I didn't talk to him during the afternoon, but called and left a msg. that it was just about time to leave work, let me know when you're driving over. Pick up time came and went, 30 mins later, I decided to take the 10 min walk over to the side of the facility where his bldg. is. Walking over, I wondered if his car would be there, or if he drove the fifty miles to my house, packed up and left before I was there. His car was there, and he finally called me on my cell. I said I'm almost to your lobby. When he came out, he was acting different. Walked six feet ahead of me, then while driving out, he answers his cell (it was on vibrate) his buddies from work saw us, gave him a hard time about who is that woman with you, is that your wife? On my end, I only heard him say "no", and was joking around. After I asked, and he told me, I said, you're going through a divorce, why do I still have to be such a secret? He said it was his business and no ones else about his divorce. When we got home, he said he needed to get out for awhile, wanted to ride his Harley. He asked me if I wanted to ride along, I said I didn't feel like getting on my bike, can I ride with you, and he said no, he wanted to be alone, needed some space. All of this made me ache inside. He's never done that before. It was if this day in court had him thinking second thoughts. And I did ask him. He said he no, he was going through with the divorce. They have another date this week Thursday, I guess before the judge. During the past few weeks, the W hasn't let up, even though she started seeing the same guy she got involved with the last time MM left her in Jan. But that hasn't stopped her from still trying to get MM back. She keeps telling him that she doesn't want this, she wants him back. He has been open with me by telling me everything that she says when she calls or when he drops kids off. I have asked, what do you say back? and he says that he tells her he isn't coming back, that she has to move on. Yesterday his attitude changed, he was distant with me, didn't want to talk on the way home. That didn't stop me from saying how I felt. I told him that if this were turned around, and I was going through a divorce, he would be the first person I'd call right away needing to have contact with someone I knew who was supporting me and loved me. He was gone for over two hours. I imagined him riding over to his W, leaving his bike there, having her drive him back so he could pack up his SUV with his stuff and leave. I ached inside the whole time, but I couldn't cry. He came back alone. I told him what I had feared he was doing. He said no, I'm not leaving. But he still wasn't affectionate. So I kept my distance too, giving him the space it seemed he needed. Then he asked if we were going to fight all nite, I said I wasn't angry, I wasn't fighting. I only wanted to know what his plans were. I didn't want to be the last one to know, like before. We went to bed not speaking and this morning I got up before him, and decided to check his cell phone. There was a voice msg from her, it was their house number, came in at 9:49pm. I woke him up, gave him his phone, said he had a msg. from her and I wanted to hear it. He was upset I woke him like that, but he called his voice mail and put the speaker on. I'm sure he thought it would be a msg. from the W too, because of the time it came in, but it was his daughter instead wanting him to call her. Of course, he looked at me, and said "ok now"? "why are you looking at my phone"? And I told him I felt he was hiding something from me. he says "so now you don't trust me because I wanted to go out alone". I told him he never has done that before, and besides, he always talks about how he never wants to do anything without me, how we're a team. I told him he was not acting like himself. I said that normally, a man wanting a divorce would be acting relieved that its finally happening, not acting as if its the end of the world for him. He acts like he is having doubts about doing the right thing. He looked at me and said he wasn't, he was just stress because he had gone through it. I still cannot get rid of this feeling inside of me. I tell myself that if he leaves, I couldn't stop him anyway. And why would I want to. He's done this four times in the past two years to me. He's the one that asked for another chance, that he'd made a mistake. He asked me to please put it all behind us, so we could move forward. He said that he knows he needs to earn my trust back after what he's done. But yesterday it was as if he forgot all of that. I've been keeping everything inside since he came back, watching him, almost analizing his every move, seeing if he's really being truthful. If he truly loves me and wants a life together. It's as if what I feared most has really happened now. I called him and asked if he wanted to get out for lunch. But he said he was sorry, but he got real busy and can't. I'm trying not to take it the wrong way. How would you guys deal with this? Am I wrong to feel like this? I know he has proven I'm important enough to him by coming back to be with me. But with his financial worries and the W pressuring him. I''m afraid it'll look good enough to him to go back there. What should I do? am I acting the wrong way? how should I be?
zarathustra Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 the more you push, the harder he will resist. I understand your pain Patricia. my xMM has been back and we've just set a d date. He knows that I love him and even if he sets up the stage to divorce his wife, I want to wait until things are finalized before we move into a full blown relationship. I really wish I had better words of encouragement for you. I think its really important to bring your feelings to the table without laying blame on your guy. I think if you talk about how you feel with him and indicate to him what he can do to make you feel that he is not going to leave, then he can do it for you. If he doesn't, maybe that's an indicator? Good luck!
movinon05 Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Patricia, Divorce is a hard thing. He needs your support right now. It doesn't really sound like you're giving it to him. And you're setting a pattern here. Yes, he did waffle before, but if you've made the decision to give him another chance, you have to try to stick with that decision. Men don't like to talk about everything. You have to allow him to have his space when he's troubled. That doesn't mean he should never talk to you, but let him talk to you in his own time. You're checking his office, checking his cell phone, questioning him every minute. If you don't let up, you may just push him away. Be as supportive as you can be. Try to be the person he can depend on. Don't cling to him. Try to be the "normal" in his life while he goes through the divorce. Try to be a stable force in his life and the one he loves to come home too. Be the person he fell in love with in the first place. He's already thinking he's going to have to come home to arguments with you, and that's not something he's going to look forward to everyday. Sweetie, you have to try to be patient now. Stop driving yourself crazy and predicting doom. Give this divorce a chance to work its way through the process. There's going to be even more ups and downs in the days ahead for him. JMHO
bunset Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Sweetie, you have to try to be patient now. Stop driving yourself crazy and predicting doom. Give this divorce a chance to work its way through the process. There's going to be even more ups and downs in the days ahead for him. JMHO Well said... Patricia, I know its a real rollercoaster. You are going to have to back away for a while. let him know that you're supportive, and that you need to let him do this alone, for himself. Otherwise he won't be coming back to you, whole.
Sami_D Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Hello Patricia, I think I must have missed some/all of your story. You know, they say that of those MM who do leave and D, the process of the D is actually the hardest part of the A. Just when you thought it was all going to be OK... along comes the toughest challenge. There is a forum on gloryb.com (a site I don't like, but they do have some intelligent discussion there from time to time) called 'Surviving Divorce' ... it's one of the quieter parts of the forum, and I found reading it to be extremely interesting. One of the things I picked up there was the title of a book which many of those OW with Divorcing MM recommended. It is: "How to Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce", by Robyn Todd. They all recommended it because it gave good solid advice on the emotions and thoughts that the Divorcing man will be going through, how they need space, but support, and how you as his lover can help.
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