TabbyCat Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 I hope you can help me with some advice. I have been dating a man for just over a year now. We live several hundred miles from each other. We've met but have never been intimate. We profess our love and commitment to each other and have hopes of a long and lasting union. However, recently his friend, who was his ex-girlfriend when there were in high school who has been for the most part around all these years (approx. 14 yrs) has become an issue between us. I'm not normally a jealous woman but he always has told me about how he did love her when they were teens, had a sexual relationship back then, but she is married now (w/kids) although unhappily. They talk, exchange e-mails, and she shows up unannounced every now and then to spend an hour or so with him. I have been concerned about this because he has told me she has professed to still love him and misses him sexually, etc. I have done everything I can to communicate my feelings, he has expressed that I need not be concerned because she is only a long-time friend to him and he loves me. Unfortunately, her last surprise visit threw me over the edge and I told him is seems to me she is using him to cope through a life and a marriage she is not happy in and he's so afraid to hurt her feelings he "rescues" her and makes her feel special with reassurances about what a good person she is. I cannot lie. I feel threatened. A physical relationship between them is not possible, believe me, but when I couldn't take it anymore I expressed very sternly that he needs to either set her straight or end their friendship. He composed an e-mail to her. Sent it to me to read, and then told me to send it to her if I had to. So, I did. Now he's upset I did. She got very pissed off, answered it back to BOTH of us telling him I was controlling him, that their friendship is innocent and I was not being fair. Then, this is the kicker, he fesses up to me that in fact he had lied to me about the true nature of their past history toether. They although they dated they were never sexual. He is very upset because he says he hurt his long time friend unnecessarily over his lie. He's not blaming me, but if only I had of just let it go and not pushed this issue of her this truth would never have come out. He's asking me for his forgiveness and asking me to believe that he lied when we first met about her for "entertainment" and never expected us to get a close as we did. When we got so serious he became too scared of losing me to fess up to his lie and keep it hidden to protect himself. Of course, my common sense was stronger and two and two was not adding up all this year and this exploded because of that. He admits his wrong, and is asking me to help him better himself and that he truly loves me and feels shame over all this. Now from his guilt he has said he can't give up on his friendship of so long for no reason. She is innocent victim of his lies to me and she deserves better than to be pushed out of his life having been there as his friend for so many years. He is going to remain her friend and defends her. I don't know what her position is as I haven't received anything more from her since her response to both of us. He has a long history of lying to people to protect himself and others he cares about, but through our love he wants to change this behaviour. Is this relationship worthy of repairing? What do I do here? Should I believe what he tells me NOW? Can I trust anything he has told me up to this point?
serial muse Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 What a strange situation. Tabby, his turn-around is ringing serious warning bells with me. I suspect he's lying to you now - he changed his story because he thought you'd be able to handle his ongoing relationship with this woman if you didn't think it was ever sexual. And he has no intention of ending it with her, so instead, he's lying to you. And for goodness' sake, if he did lie about ever sleeping with her, WHY??? That's an asinine thing to do. He told you, in the past, that she says she misses him sexually. Why on earth would he tell you that (especially if it isn't true)??? That's a terrible thing to say to your current girlfriend. Something is truly screwy with this guy. And as for his "lies" about her, whichever ones they are - I think that you should consider how a person treats his/her exes, if you want to know what to expect if you ever break up. But oddly, it doesn't sound like she was particularly angry at him for saying those things to you. Instead, she was angry with you and responded that you were controlling him. Interesting. Why didn't she just say he was full of s*** and they'd never slept together? Why wasn't she all pissed off about that? Why get mad at you at all? Whatever his lies may have been (and the one thing you know is that there have been a helluva lot of them, whatever they were/are), this man sounds like a collector - he likes the attention from both of you, and he won't let either of you go. Whether or not their friendship was ever "innocent", his lies and her unannounced visits and so forth have cast a dark shadow over it. He won't stop lying, I'm afraid. This is his knee-jerk reaction to conflict avoidance. That's the only thing that you can be sure of with this man. Do you really want to always be wondering what's going on with him, what the truth is, whether it's safe to trust him? You'd be far better off out of this one. IMHO.
Author TabbyCat Posted June 27, 2006 Author Posted June 27, 2006 Thank you for your reply ... here's a few add-ons of mine to yours ... I suspect he's lying to you now - he changed his story because he thought you'd be able to handle his ongoing relationship with this woman if you didn't think it was ever sexual. And he has no intention of ending it with her, so instead, he's lying to you. Yes, he changed his story now ... but let me clarify ... he said in the beginning they DID have intimate relations, but now that this has all blown up, he's saying they DIDN'T ... he claims he just lied to me about it at the beginning for "entertainment" but never expected it to bother me so. The fact is, I got to the point I wasn't handling the idea of them having had been sexual and her visiting/writing/calls and her expressing how she misses him in this way, and that pushed the "set her straight or end it" moment. But oddly, it doesn't sound like she was particularly angry at him for saying those things to you. Instead, she was angry with you and responded that you were controlling him. Interesting. Why didn't she just say he was full of s*** and they'd never slept together? Why wasn't she all pissed off about that? Why get mad at you at all? She was plenty mad at him too, ... angrily writing mostly about "him abandoning their friendship" and "how could he after how she's always been there for him", "this is so not like him", "she (me) is putting you up to this" ... blah blah blah ... The e-mail to her spoke nothing about the lies or what he had told me about her. He simply wrote in it about how he has enjoyed their friendship for years, but was in-love with me, and his friendship with her was causing strife between us and he's sorry but he needs to let their friendship go, and I am that important to him that if this helps, he needs to do it, wished her well and so on. Funny thing is, he told me after it went to her that he never expected I would actually send it! I'm like, well why did you write it then and give me her address to send it to her? He won't stop lying, I'm afraid. This is his knee-jerk reaction to conflict avoidance. That's the only thing that you can be sure of with this man. Do you really want to always be wondering what's going on with him, what the truth is, whether it's safe to trust him? Do you think its not possible for him to genuinely realized his wrongs here and wanting to make it right? I realize I may be rationalizing here, but I do believe people make mistakes and sometimes it takes hit rock bottom to make them wake up ... sort of when they are about to lose what they hold dear? That by seeing I actually sent it off, and now he has to deal with this, and potentially might lose me anyway, I am not so easily fooled ... meaning his lies will catch up to him with me, because I won't let what doesn't make sense go? Honestly it seems like she's been lied to about who I am too, because her response to us had some statements about me that didn't match my life at all ... it's obvious she knows about someone he is in-love with but what she knows about me isn't true facts. Again, he admits he lied to her about me, because as his close friend if she knew I lived several hundred miles away and we haven't been intimate ourselves she would not respect his "love" claims for me and try and get on him to "give up the dream" of it ever working out and he didn't want to deal with that. I did respond back to her telling her my own side, but she hasn't gotten back to me.
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