almostthere Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 My sisters husband just moved out after years of not being happy. He told her he wasnt happy a week before he left but never before that and supposedly he had been unhappy for 4 years. My bf and I just had a discussion last night in which, like every other time, he starred straight forward barely blinking and definately not making eye contact let alone speaking. Not even rolling his eyes. I would ask a question just to get a response but no...no response. I know he hears me and probably is not toning me out but i was telling him important things and i wasnt yelling. It just happened to be about his ex and he reacts this way everytime. I hate it. I have to talk to him tonight again. I texted him and asked him if we could and he didnt reply. I texted him and asked if i could seek legal advice about something to do with his ex and he didnt answer. Why am i getting this reaction from him? I am so tired of talking to the side of his face. I wanted to write a letter but he suffers from a reading disorder (slight) and I am not sure he would read it and if he did if he would get the meaning but I just dont want to waste my breath talking to the side of his face!!! I am not yelling, nagging, overexagerating, bringing up the past, overwhelming him...I am not doing anything that guys crab about women doing. I am simply talking. But he just doesnt respond. What can I do at this point? I almost liked the way my exhusband and I yelled at each other...at least he replied and I knew he was listening.
dgiirl Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 I'm sorry your sister has to go through this. Since my exh came home on valentines day and told me he wanted a divorce, moved out the next day and said he was unhappy for 3 years and yet never once said he was ever unhappy until that valentines day, i can understand the shock it must be for your sister. I dont know why men martyr themselves. If they want things to improve, they have to atleast ask for what the hell they want. My exh dumped a lot of built up resentment when he walked out the door. ALL of it could have been avoided had he said something sooner. Instead, he expected me to be able to read his mind, meanwhile, he never shared any of his personal thoughts for me to understand how he thinks.
a4a Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Almost, Do I see a pattern here? His X controls his life, now you are put in a position of having to control his life so you and he and your kids are able to eat? When the s*** hits the fan the women have to deal with it? If I am off base spank me.
rkman Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Almost, Do I see a pattern here? His X controls his life, now you are put in a position of having to control his life so you and he and your kids are able to eat? When the s*** hits the fan the women have to deal with it? If I am off base spank me. I wish I could but that's generally how it works. Men don't have a lot of emotional strength. They can pretend, but not deal. I think, I repeat, I think, it has a lot to do with our fear. It prevents us from communicating properly much of the time. Fear of what, who knows! We're just as insane as women sometimes They martyr themselves just like any other person; because they feel they are making a smart decision and choose to support that decision in this manner. Later down the road, they find they actually have to deal with their real internal problems and probably see that it's their own fault they weren't as happy as they idealized.
KittenMoon Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 I wish I could but that's generally how it works. Men don't have a lot of emotional strength. They can pretend, but not deal. I think, I repeat, I think, it has a lot to do with our fear. It prevents us from communicating properly much of the time. Fear of what, who knows! We're just as insane as women sometimes They martyr themselves just like any other person; because they feel they are making a smart decision and choose to support that decision in this manner. Later down the road, they find they actually have to deal with their real internal problems and probably see that it's their own fault they weren't as happy as they idealized. So true. RK, you get brownie points for intelligence from me. My ex was like the OP's husband, and a lot like this. It doesn't bother me so much that guys are like this, rather I am bothered they don't realize or acknowledge it. I think if both sexes could realize their communication issues, even if they continued to exhibit them, a lot of relationships could be helped.
Cecelius Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Is it possible that he just doesn't want to talk about it?
StayClose Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Take a look at the thread in the Marriage section about why men don't talk. It's because when we share are feelings about personal issues with women and they're not the feeling they want to here, we get punished for it, so it's best to keep our feelings to ourselves.
Author almostthere Posted June 27, 2006 Author Posted June 27, 2006 Well...I talked to him at lunch today. I started out nice. Asked how his day was...so on and so forth. I really did care how he was as I do everytime we talk at lunch. He said so...have you figured anything out? (meaning talked to any lawyers or researched our case to see if we have one about child support). I said well i looked at a few things but i didnt have any contact with anyone. I still feel like just the girlfriend in that I dont have as much authority over things as a wife or even a fiance. I told him I was waiting til he gave me an ok. then he said well go ahead with it. Eventually I said he needs to make this a team effort. I told him i feel like sometimes i am alone in what he wants me to do. like this is what I (and only me) feel is right or neccessary. He asked why I feel that way and i said because everytime we talk about these issues i talk to the side of your face. He told me that was because I was yelling at him last night. I got defensive (not yelling) and told him I was speaking a bit louder then usual but had he looked at me even once he would have seen my chin quiver and tears in my eyes. That had he asked why i walked away during the middle of my sentence he would have known i couldnt hold back tears any longer and i left to go cry. I am trying to communicate to him like men communicate or want to be talked to. I am not blowing up at him. yelling screaming and nagging at him. i was pouring my heart out like i was talking to a friend but he took it differently ofcourse because it involved him. I just ended the conversation by saying either we (stressed the we part) figure this out and me and my kids arent sacrificed anymore or I am going to have to rethink things in order to stop the sacrifice me and the kids are making. Maybe that was wrong...but I am done beating around the bush. And I so hope the post was wrong about him wanting me to control his life like his ex did. I have to much on my hands already!!
ronnieromance Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Maybe it just seems like he's avoiding a bad situation, when in reality he knows that he can't change anyone. Maybe he is just choosing his battles. -R-
Author almostthere Posted June 27, 2006 Author Posted June 27, 2006 i respect the choosing his battles thought... The problem is he hasnt ever had a battle. its like nothing sets him off at the time unless a few beers are had first but i am tired of having to drink before a talk. We actually stopped that 6 months ago but he actually said something when he was buzzed. After our talk (my talk I should say last night) I was in the kitchen making us dinner and he came up and pulled me in close and held me tightly. Almost like saying "im sorry" without words. it was touching for me and I faught back tears. I just wish he would say something even if I wont like it. his only reason for this is that he doesnt want to argue at any costs. Well what about talk? He doesnt do that either. nothing negative.
tweett70 Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Take a look at the thread in the Marriage section about why men don't talk. It's because when we share are feelings about personal issues with women and they're not the feeling they want to here, we get punished for it, so it's best to keep our feelings to ourselves. That causes more problems, because women know when their men are keeping feelings to themselves. This is called "no communication".
Palle Posted June 29, 2006 Posted June 29, 2006 I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that your post started with "My sister's husband." I'm sure his internal reaction was "Oh God damn it!" When guys get defensive their emotions are the first to go. That pokerface is an alpha male defense posed towards a threat. Only this threat isn't physical...I'm sure he'd know just what to do if another man insulted your honor. It's my belief that he's thinking "This has nothing to do with me. I didn't leave your sister...What the hell am I supposed to say?" but that would be trivializing an issue that is obviously important to you. I say give him a break. Approach it for a new angle. "I'm glad I got a guy who isn't a jerk like my sister's husband." Because he's your own man his relationship with you isn't your sister's with her husbands.
Author almostthere Posted July 5, 2006 Author Posted July 5, 2006 Thanks for your post Palle...the problem was not with my sisters husband...but with my own bf. I never mentioned to him for one second in our discussion anything besides how he needs to find a way to keep his exwife a little bit less involved and a little less damaging in our life. Its a long story but I assure you it had nothing to do with my sisters husband. He was put in there just to give two examples of guys acting like this.
Becoming Posted July 5, 2006 Posted July 5, 2006 I think many men (and women) don't know what to do with emotions, so any emotional talk is just tuned out as though meeting with an enemy threat, which really gets women's ire up and makes us want to bring out the battering ram, ensuring he will only fortress more and . . . . we're off! All women really want is honest talk, but some men just don't know how to do this. THey need to learn how. My H. was like this for years and nothing changed until I had the ability to leave the marriage. He either had to change or end up with nothing. That's when he decided, hey, getting help for this problem might be a good idea. He's been in therapy a year now and things have changed for the better. But I've also had to learn not to use what he reveals in his vulnerable communicative moments against him, which I didn't really know I was doing. With his self-awareness has come his ability to tell me I hurt him. Until then, nothing--just the fortress wall. Men who haven't learned what to do with their emotions have to learn this somehow. And their SO isn't always the best teacher. But he needs to learn or realize the consequences of what he's not doing. Until then, I doubt anything will change. :(
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