Military man trying to make LDR easier for girlfriend

[G.I.JOEY]

Hi everyone, I'm actually a guy, ive been looking at these posts and its a lot of women posting :-/ but i guess that helps me, because ive been looking for advice all over the internet and other men dont have anything to tell me about my situation and hopefully some women on here have been through what my girlfriend will be going through. I have been a reservist in the United States Army for the last year now, but I recently transferred over to Active Duty status, Airborne Infantry. Now my girlfriend of over a year now is going to have some rough time ahead! I know it will be just as hard on me as it will be for her, but I don't think she knows that even though I tell her. I'll be gone for the next 16-20 weeks for Infantry school, Airborne school, and R.I.P (Ranger Indoctrination Program) after that, I'll be stationed in Georgia, while my girlfriend lives in New York. She says she's going to wait for me, and that she's "proud of her soldier", (she stole every 1 of my army t-shirts and sweatshirts! but she looks cuter in them than i did!) and shes still got some time in high school left, I graduated this year, but we are very much in love and want it to last. I'm not worried about making life any easier on me, I just want to try and make the distence between us less painful for her, and I don't want her to lose hope on us. Is there anyone out there with some tips on how to ease her pain and keep us together? Thanks, Joey

[a4a]

Oh Joey...............

 

You are such a sweet guy (judging from what you posted).

 

First off keep in touch with her. Not sure what communications you are allowed or if you will be shipped off elsewhere and that may make it difficult?

 

Consider sending her small gifts from time to time. If you think you will be put in a position making this impossible perhaps you could arrange for a state side friend to help you out on this endeavor. Buy things ahead of time and give them to a trusted friend to make sure she gets them over a period of time while you are away.

 

Pre write some letters or even just quick notes and arrange for them to be sent by the friend if you cannot do so.

 

I know it can take weeks to get a letter from here to there in certain cases.

Don't forget her birthday, arrange it now, or other special days for you as a couple.

 

Quite a few people will say that you are young and she is way too young to be thinking this relationship should be taken so serious. She will cheat while your gone, you will cheat, it will never work. But going out on a limb here...... if you show her that you are a good, thoughtful man I think she will have no problem waiting for you.

 

Best of luck to you!

[G.I.JOEY]

Hey thanks on the suggestions for the state-side friend. I definatly can't forget our birthday, or our anniversary! And yes, I have been told by quite a few people the things you said in your last paragraph, but I know different than them, my girlfriend and I have a unique relationship unlike any i have had before, and we both could never cheat on eachother, the only thing im worried about is her losing faith in us. I guess communication is the key? -Joey

[SkipsGirl]

Joey,

 

I know just what she is going through. I myself have been with my boyfriend almost a year now, and we just graduated from college. He went active in the US Army as a 2nd Lt, a commissioned officer, and now has a 4 year active, 4 year reservist committment. He has been in Seattle for 4 weeks now, will be in Georgia for a month, then SC for 6 months, and then South Korea for 1 year. Yes, the distance is hard, but through communicaton, open mindedness, creativity, and strength you find a way through it. Feel free to show this post to your girlfriend. I joined Military Girlfriend support groups, the women in there are incredible. I am not going to say that this seperation won't be hard, that the time will fly, but at times it does. You both will have your ups and your downs. Tell her to throw herself into her friends, her school work, her family, pets, crafts, sports, hobbies, work, etc. Staying busy and doing things for yourself is key. Plus, you guys want to grow together, but that also means growing yourself. The key to satisfying relationships is always to make sure you both you AND your sig other are happy. She can still lead her own life and grow on her own while you are away, yet still be your girlfriend. Plus, she neesd to understand the fact that you may not be able to call all the time or email all the time, and that it is not a sign of problems. A great idea that my boyfriend and I did was buying little notebooks, small ones like 3 1/2" x 5, and writing letters, notes, funny inside jokse, things we liked about one another, memories, and put pictures in it,- he made one for me, i made one for him, and then we gave them to one another the day he left. This way you have something to read for reassurance, to make you smile, and remember that this is all worth it. Being a military girlfriend/boyfriend, spouse, etc is all very hard, but very worth it. And think, if you can make it through this, you can make it through anything!

 

 

Wishing you both the best.

 

Good luck!

 

Amy

[Alexandra-Girl]

Hi GI,

 

I think it is great that you are willing to continue a relationship with your girlfriend while you go through some major changes (Which YOU will). First of all, I strongly suggest that you don't mention information such as your whereabouts on such an open forum (for safety sake).

 

I can tell you personally, that I have been in two military relationships. I am a civilian. My first relationship was with an officer in the Navy. This relationship passed on because of lack of communication. She is going to worry and that is to be expected, you must do all you can to ease this. I don't mean safety worry - I mean feel left out worry, because there will be many times that you cannot share ALL information with her. You must be sure to let her know this each time you are not able to tell her all. Otherwise this is the first thing that will make her doubtfull.

 

My second relationship is with a wonderful man who has great communication. He's been in the military for over a decade and has done many and recent tours. Our relationship has worked extremely well because of his ability to communicate. I am not the same citizenship as he, nor are we continuously able to see one another due to my schooling. But he does everything in his power to include me in his life. When he has his ups, he shares them with me, when he has his downs, he shares those too. If he needs space because he is fugged in the head - he tells me, so I don't feel that it is me. These are all important qualities that you must adapt to when you are off training. If you are training and cannot reach communication you must notify her of this previously. Tell her that you get weekends to talk via phone only. Or, tell her that there are black out times, or that priveledges are revoked. You must make her aware of this and when you can't talk via instant communication - do send letters (pre made if needs be). Tell her to continuously send you some, you don't have to read them but this makes her feel incredibly close to you as if she and you are beside one another. Tell her to write in a journal while you are gone, when you are back she can read them to you. This will strengthen your tie. Throughout your relationship you must establish rules of communication that are suitable to both of you (these rules will change yearly most likely). She made need a little more, or vice versa. I suggest creating a website that you and her both share where you post pictures of your tours while away. Like most soldiers, you will bring your camera and can upload a couple times while on tour (if you go). Keep on top of communication. Tell her not to worry about the so called Jodies that the other GI's will slot in your head, that you fully trust her. She in turn will trust you (tell her about any no fornication rule between military members to ease her mind) If you trust eachother you will make it through this. If she questions you on ANYTHING don't defend yourself but go on the offensive and find out why SHE is questioning you - something is making her feel defensive. Watch for these signs.

 

If you need anymore assistance, please feel free to post her again. I fully understand the strength it takes in a person to survive a military relationship. They are different than civilian relationships, because no matter how intellectual or how much in love you two are, the military will rule both your lives till your contract is up. You can't just get up and move when you two desire to. It's just this chosen life.

 

Good luck.

Alex

[rosewynd]

Whatever you do, if you promise her you will come back to her, make sure that you are going to.

 

My fiance just freaked out on me. He had asked me to marry him before he deployed. We were supposed to get married when he came home from Iraq next spring.

 

Anyway, he told me that he changed. The deployment changed him. And things have changed. (Didn't elaborate, cause I think maybe he doesn't even know himself right now, so there is no sense in asking.) He's been gone for 2 1/2 months and said all we can ever be is friends. He doesn't want me to send him any more care packages or letters or cards. My head is completely spinning. I don't know what is going on in his head and there is no way for me really to know. The pain is gutwrenching, so if you promise her something, make sure you can do it.

 

I can't imagine how stressful it is for you guys over there. I know it has to be hard. And I know all the stories you will hear about Jody won't help any.

 

If you guys can keep communicating and sharing, I think you will be alright. She will need a lot of reassurance.

 

also, you can have her sign up at http://www.armywivesforums.com/

 

All the girls there are either girlfriends/fiances/wives of military men, or they have been at one time or another. So they are very supportive and will be there for her when you cannot be due to your job.

[lil_angel]

hey, my boyfriend is a corporal in the marine corps on active duty. He's stationed in HI while im in college in AL. he was just shipped off to Japan for his first deployment, and will potentially be gone for a whole year, but given that he's stationed in HI we've actually been in an LDR since October. Believe your gf when she says she's proud of you, and believe no one could be moreso. I'm so proud of my bf every day, but that doesnt make it easy! Although this isnt going to be anything new, the key is always COMMUNICATION, and also showing each other you care. sure, you cant be there to cuddle her when she's had a bad day, you cant take her out to dinner, cant come to special events w/ her, etc. but that doesnt mean you cant show her you still care. even if you cant be there for holidays, birthday, performances, what have you, make sure she knows you remember them. email, call, write, whatever, just make sure she knows you didn't forget and you'd be there if you could. did something make you think about her? just feeling really lonely tonight and want to hold her? tell her! make sure she knows she's appreciated and you're still thinking about her, b/c trust me, she'll think about you all the time. and remember, the little things will mean a lot more when you're not there. If you say you'll call and forget you cant make it up to her by taking her to her favorite restaurant. when you apologize she cant look in your eyes and see how sincere you are. this makes going that extra mile to prove your commitment even more important. if my bf is ever not going to be able to talk to me one night, he'll either tell me the night before or even a 10 second phone call to say he cant talk but he didnt forget about me. sure, occasionally he forgets or just doesnt have a spare second, but he makes the effort. i recently lost a belly ring i had that i really loved, he totally unexpectedly and for no reason bought me a new one. just remember the little things to prove you still love her.

and again, communicate! despite a 5 hour time difference while he's in HI, me and my bf still found a way to work talking almost every day into our schedules. you don't have to talk for 5 hours every night, but definitely at least make checking in w/ each other a high priority. and communication doesnt just mean telling how much you love each other. do, of course, and often, but a common trap LDRs fall into is simply drifting apart. while you're gone, you'll both have different experiences, gain new interests, and change as people. and its not til you're reunited that you realize you just dont have anything in common anymore. the best way to avoid this is to keep up w/ each other. if all your letters center around when will i see you, i love you, i miss you, you're missing their whole life. again, DO tell her you love her, DO tell her you miss her, DO make sure you see her whenever you can. but also, just talk to each other. ask her about her day, tell her about yours. tell her about the things you're interested in and take an interest in what she's doing. instead of just talking about how much you miss each other and want to cuddle, talk about activities and hobbies you can do together when you are reunited. basically, try to be involved in each others lives as much as possible and not lose track of the daily ins and outs each other is going through.

ok, wow, this is reeeeeally long, sorry......but yeah, i can relate to what she's going through, and yep, it's tough, but it's certainly not impossible. i wish you both the best.

[G.I.JOEY]

Thanks everyone so much for the tips, my ship date isnt too far down the road, and im tryin really hard to have as many special times with the love of my life as i can before i leave! ive definatly got to keep the communication lines open as much as possible, i'll need to buy a ton of stamps soon seeing as how letters are the only way to keep in contact while im training! im glad to hear so many people are going through the same thing i will be, and how things have turned out! rosewynd im so sorry to hear about your troubles though, i hope everything works out.

 

thanks again everyone for the tips and help, i hope i can read some more before i leave on august 1st!

 

-G.I.Joey

[Guest]

I just read your thread and i cant help but cry. This is an exact replica, almost to the T of my boyfriend and i. We've been dating for almost a year and i still have a year of highschool to finish, he is at AIT right now and will almost certainly be leaving for Iraq within 4 months of coming home, which means missing my 18th birthday, my Sr. Prom, my Graduation and moving to attend college with me. Although i dont have any advise to give you, i can sympathize with you and your girlfriend. This is the hardest thing i have ever done, but i wouldnt take it back for anything, having those unexpected flowers show up at the door is the most amazing feeling. All i can say is, never let her forget how much you care, dont let the small things get in the way, charish every moment together, and dont EVER forget to tell her you love her, EVERY SINGLE chance you get, never let her forget!

[Guest]

yeah... me too. My boyfriend left a month ago, just for basic training. . i care bout him with everything i have and he was so happy when i told him i would wait for him. im only 17 years old, and hes 19. and no. i will not be cheating. if you really love your girl WRITE WRITE WRITE. and CALL if you can....

 

i havent gotten a letter yet, but i pray everyday while looking through the mail and i know that when i get one ill be so happy. just make sure she knows you miss her as much as she misses you, and make the most of the time you have when you get to go home. shes a very lucky girl to have a guy like you who is that worried about her heart. im pretty sure that you guys will be just fine. you were right in what you said. COMMUNICATION IS KEY.

[Guest]

im in a situation much like anyone else coming into the miitary with a girlfriend of over a year, it's rough things do get better the best advice is to keep in touch as much as possible. If it is meant to work she will be there for you , I myself seem to have hit a path where my girlfriend cant take me being away for so long coming home on leave and then leaving again. I'm in the process of trying to make it work but we all have got to realize that we are still young and there are plenty of oppurtunities out there for us. I wish the best of luck to anyone who has an LDR.

[Walk]

One of the guys in my platoon at MOS school had a land line installed in his room. He called his wife from his room every evening after classes and on the weekends, just to assure her that he wasn't off galavanting with the guys, or lying about his whereabouts. He was also RELIGIOUS about calling her. Never missed a call coming in or one he promised to make to her. Proved his loyalty and dedication to her and their relationship I think.

 

Advice for you: We ribbed that guy merciless about being p licked, and every other derogatory remark we could make for a quick chuckle, but ALL of us had the utmost respect for that guy. We kidded and ribbed, but what he had was something special. Or maybe he just had a really fierce woman at home. hahaha But don't let the buddies pressure you in to skipping that call, or delaying it... That will end a relationship in a heartbeat.

 

I snuck little notes all around the house in really weird places for my SO to find while I was gone. He loved it.. We still found some after I'd gotten back. Closet shelves, inside socks, in books, taped under shelves. (I sent him a letter telling him where to find that one.)

 

I ensured that I sent a letter home every day. No matter what. Didn't care if I was falling off my feet dead tired.. I jotted three lines, wrote i loved him, and stuck it in a pre-addressed, pre-stamped envelope I'd made up during liberty the week before. Even if all I said was "thinking of you, too tired to write more. I love you X"

 

I wrote to his mother and had her pick out bday gifts since I wasn't allowed off base during that time. She got the card and copied down what I had told her what I wanted written in it, and then she gave it to him on his bday (along with her gifts).

 

I sent him plane tickets to come see me for 2 days. Cost a fortune, but was worth it. And he was GEEKED about it!! Plus he loved seeing where I was stationed at, my friends, a small idea of what I was doing... made him feel kind of like he was still a part of my life, and not just sectioned off in his own seperate world.

 

Maybe you two could get camera phones? Send pics back and forth.

 

And just to reiterate the importance: communicate everything!