O/W Moved Next Door - unbelievable

[Lizzie_D]

Hi Z, I did a really stupid thing and answered the phone to him after two weeks. I was being really strong and getting on with things. But hearing his voice say he misses me made me weak. He came round today and we slept together. Watching him go made me cry. I phoned and said I couldn't do it anymore, it hurts too much. But I know I will. I don't feel as sad as I normally do. Perhaps the past two weeks of convincing myself has made me make a slight step forward. Is it really lies that he tells just to get me into bed? Would he leave if he really loved me? Or is it true when he says he couldn't hurt so many people? Feel so confused, yet when I read other OW problems I'm not confused about their situations!!

[zarathustra]

Hi Z, I did a really stupid thing and answered the phone to him after two weeks. I was being really strong and getting on with things. But hearing his voice say he misses me made me weak. He came round today and we slept together. Watching him go made me cry. I phoned and said I couldn't do it anymore, it hurts too much. But I know I will. I don't feel as sad as I normally do. Perhaps the past two weeks of convincing myself has made me make a slight step forward. Is it really lies that he tells just to get me into bed? Would he leave if he really loved me? Or is it true when he says he couldn't hurt so many people? Feel so confused, yet when I read other OW problems I'm not confused about their situations!!

What I did when my xMM started talking to me was that I asked him a lot of questions. He kept telling me how horrible he feels, how he hated that he hurt me so badly and that he loves me. From there, I started asking him questions so that I could understand what was in his head. He told me about the fear of hurting his kids if he leaves the marriage. He talked of the pain it would cause if he left. Finally he talked about the pain if he stayed.

 

After asking a lot of questions and responding back and forth with him, I said to him, that he can only be fair to others when he is fair to himself. First, he is in an emotionally unfulfilling relationship. How is it fair to deny his wife love because he feels it for me? How is it fair to his children to stay emotionally numb and let them think that's what they should be aiming for? Then I told him that in truth, the only obstacle for us to be together is himself. That he is the hurdle that he needs to get over. He needs to evaluate his marriage and take the kids out of the equation and find out what they have as a couple.

 

Honestly, I wasn't going to start talking with my xMM. He choose to go down this road and this time, I don't think he's turning back to go home. At least I don't think so. I have never seen him more rationally certain about a future with me. I still am afraid to hope for a future with him, but I'm also not afraid of a future to be on my own.

 

Lizzie, take the time to find out who you are and what you want in life. No one can bring you happiness as that comes from within. The only thing that someone can do is add value to your life by giving you love... with that, hopefully there is fulfillment of the purest form.

 

Good luck.

[RealityCheck]

Lizzi D..

 

It is a process and a long hard road. None of us really knew the affects it would play on "OneSelf". Is is so terribly painful.

 

For you to come to some concrete conclusion, you must remain focused on yourself. Do not allow your feelings to drift where he is concerned. In other words, it does not matter what he is thinking or feeling. What matters is what you are feeling. I understand it is very difficult to move into this space, but you know practice does make perfect. Perfect sense for yourself.

 

See the experience for what it truly is.....PAINFUL. You do not want to feel that anymore. Allow yourself to heal and look back at this experience as a truth. It really isn't worth the depths of despair and one day, you will be able to share this with another and make a difference in one's life like many of the OW's.

 

Be brave, be bold and most importantly be true to yourself.

[midori]

Ladies,

 

Multiple members reported this thread because they resented the participation of someone whom, they felt, was either unqualified to comment, was being unsympathetic, or both.

 

I've reviewed the thread and the comments in question, deleting those that were inappropriate. A reminder to you all: no one can dictate who participates in discussions in this forum. There are no criteria for "membership" in Other Man/Other Woman discussions.

 

If you are inclined to interpret as unsympathetic the non-attacking advice of a member whose motives you question, the best course of action will be to ignore them. Posting insults or questioning their right to participate in the discussions will only result in moderators having to review and edit your posts.

 

Again, I refer you to something that everyone participating in this forum should read: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54546/

[MarnieGirl]

hey lizzie, since you and your friend are ironically both in this bad situation, can't you help each other?

 

by the way you worded the name of your thread, and in subsequent posts, it sounded like you were frustrated with her for her actions and knew that moving next to the married man she was having an affair with isn't very smart. i would too; i don't like seeing people go through hard times that could so easily be avoided.

 

but that also shows that you know that affairs are problems, and that much of what comes with affairs is problematic too. i would think that seeing what she's going through would make you think again.

 

maybe you can learn from each other's mistakes together. it has to be easier to get help from people who share your life and know you, rather than counting on people whose agenda is to be on the defensive rather than to offer you any actual sound advice.

 

it sounds like you really do want help. have you tried counseling? if so, even a new counselour might help. go with your friend, if that makes you feel better. get a hobby, sounds lame, but you could. you could do anything you want to.

 

the point is, only you and your friend really know your own situations. it seems to me that you might be better helped in a place that doesn't necessarily make what you're doing seem okay. by all means, come here, update, ask questions, whatever. but maybe you can find other, more secure avenues of really showing you what you need to know in order to get through this with your sanity intact. good luck, you lovely thing, you.

[Lizzie_D]

Thanks so much for your messages. They make me feel very emotional. I am not very good with words, and your posts are so beautifully written. I read them out to my friend on the phone, and we both saw the sense in them. I am stronger than I was two weeks ago, I don't ring him anymore, and I don't have the burning urge to ring him, but I am scared not to have him in my life anymore. Over the past two weeks, I have got on with things in the day, and kept busy. This really helps. My relationship with my husband is so much better too. We have an high functioning autistic child and maybe the excitement of the A helps me cope with this. My husband also has tendencies like my son, and I only started to notice his 'oddness' when I met MM. I confided often with MM about our problems, and he would often get so wound up with my husband and the way he treated me. But recently I have come to understand why my H acts the way he does, and our relationship has improved. He really is a good man, and would never enter into an A himself. He makes me laugh still, and understands me when I am having stupid emotional moments. My MM is quite selfish and doesn't like it if I get very emotional. Yet I still love him. I wonder sometimes if I have put him on a pedestal he doesn't deserve. Sex is so fantastic (he is hung like a horse), is this what attracts me? Is it my pride that won't let him go?

[RealityCheck]

Thanks so much for your messages. They make me feel very emotional. I am not very good with words, and your posts are so beautifully written. I read them out to my friend on the phone, and we both saw the sense in them. I am stronger than I was two weeks ago, I don't ring him anymore, and I don't have the burning urge to ring him, but I am scared not to have him in my life anymore. Over the past two weeks, I have got on with things in the day, and kept busy. This really helps. My relationship with my husband is so much better too. We have an high functioning autistic child and maybe the excitement of the A helps me cope with this. My husband also has tendencies like my son, and I only started to notice his 'oddness' when I met MM. I confided often with MM about our problems, and he would often get so wound up with my husband and the way he treated me. But recently I have come to understand why my H acts the way he does, and our relationship has improved. He really is a good man, and would never enter into an A himself. He makes me laugh still, and understands me when I am having stupid emotional moments. My MM is quite selfish and doesn't like it if I get very emotional. Yet I still love him. I wonder sometimes if I have put him on a pedestal he doesn't deserve. Sex is so fantastic (he is hung like a horse), is this what attracts me? Is it my pride that won't let him go?

 

Lizzie, I have to admit I appreciate your honesty...(Sex)

 

Yes, you do have your hands full with an autistic child. Whoe!

I too had a special need child. I know and understand where you would need an outlet.

 

Thing is, an affair is not the solution. A solution would be to pamper yourself and not look outside of yourself for that fix.

 

I can suggest a spa or a work-out center, but I also realize that money can be an issue. If this is the case, find an interest that only suits you! We all possess a creative self interest. Try to explore that side of yourself!

 

You are so blessed, KNOWING that your H would not enter an A. That is worth all its weight in gold!

 

An affair is not something you need! You definately are at a phase in your life where you need something, and it is all about "YOU". Find that something. Relationships are ongoing phases, it is natural to feel a lack of something through relations, but the reality is, it does not exsist outside of yourself, it lives in you! An Affair is outside of you!

 

Find it Lizzie! I am hopeful you will!

[Lizzie_D]

hey lizzie, since you and your friend are ironically both in this bad situation, can't you help each other?

 

by the way you worded the name of your thread, and in subsequent posts, it sounded like you were frustrated with her for her actions and knew that moving next to the married man she was having an affair with isn't very smart. i would too; i don't like seeing people go through hard times that could so easily be avoided.

 

but that also shows that you know that affairs are problems, and that much of what comes with affairs is problematic too. i would think that seeing what she's going through would make you think again.

 

maybe you can learn from each other's mistakes together. it has to be easier to get help from people who share your life and know you, rather than counting on people whose agenda is to be on the defensive rather than to offer you any actual sound advice.

 

it sounds like you really do want help. have you tried counseling? if so, even a new counselour might help. go with your friend, if that makes you feel better. get a hobby, sounds lame, but you could. you could do anything you want to.

 

the point is, only you and your friend really know your own situations. it seems to me that you might be better helped in a place that doesn't necessarily make what you're doing seem okay. by all means, come here, update, ask questions, whatever. but maybe you can find other, more secure avenues of really showing you what you need to know in order to get through this with your sanity intact. good luck, you lovely thing, you.

 

I only just noticed this..am tired.

 

We do help each other, sometimes when I am strong, she is weak and vice versa. I did warn her against the A, but you have to find things out for yourself. We go through days of realising what utter s*** it all is, and deep down we know they will NEVER leave. She called when he was here today after I had done NC and called me an total idiot as he lay in bed beside me. I knew I was. But bit by bit I am getting over him. And when she leaves his vicinity next week, maybe that is when we will both try to be strong together.

[Lizzie_D]

the point is, only you and your friend really know your own situations. it seems to me that you might be better helped in a place that doesn't necessarily make what you're doing seem okay. by all means, come here, update, ask questions, whatever. but maybe you can find other, more secure avenues of really showing you what you need to know in order to get through this with your sanity intact.

 

Am not being defensive here, or aggressive, but it seems what you are saying in this bit is that this forum is the wrong place to be if trying to get out of an affair. Am I right in assuming this, if not sorry.

 

I find the forum really really helpful, so much so that I should've been in bed hours ago! I don't agree with you that the forum makes what I'm doing seem okay. There are OWs here that have been through and come out the other side and their views are really important and helpful. I feel stronger to do what I need to do when I read a lot of the posts.

[Lizzie_D]

RealityCheck, am I right in assuming you are not in contact with your MM anymore, you seem very together?

[movinon05]

Am not being defensive here, or aggressive, but it seems what you are saying in this bit is that this forum is the wrong place to be if trying to get out of an affair. Am I right in assuming this, if not sorry.

 

I find the forum really really helpful, so much so that I should've been in bed hours ago! I don't agree with you that the forum makes what I'm doing seem okay. There are OWs here that have been through and come out the other side and their views are really important and helpful. I feel stronger to do what I need to do when I read a lot of the posts.

 

No need to defend or explain yourself. We know why you're here.

[MarnieGirl]

Am not being defensive here, or aggressive, but it seems what you are saying in this bit is that this forum is the wrong place to be if trying to get out of an affair. Am I right in assuming this, if not sorry.

 

 

well not exactly, but i guess i was saying that in a way. i don't even mean just on LS, i mean in general. just putting some info forth and making a suggestion on other ways to get help.

[RealityCheck]

RealityCheck, am I right in assuming you are not in contact with your MM anymore, you seem very together?

 

Lizzie, your assumption is correct!

 

Like many of the OW's of the Forum, they are and have been a true inspiration in their experience. Through the good, bad and ugly they are what every OW needs in this walk, because only they can truly understand the pain of loving someone with all their heart and knowing it is not within reach.

 

You too, will prevail!

[Sami_D]

Am not being defensive here, or aggressive, but it seems what you are saying in this bit is that this forum is the wrong place to be if trying to get out of an affair. Am I right in assuming this, if not sorry.

 

I find the forum really really helpful, so much so that I should've been in bed hours ago! I don't agree with you that the forum makes what I'm doing seem okay. There are OWs here that have been through and come out the other side and their views are really important and helpful. I feel stronger to do what I need to do when I read a lot of the posts.

 

I'm not sure where this idea comes from that the OW forum 'makes affairs seem ok', but perhaps it's the general non-judmental approach here which was being referred to? If the only reason to get out of an affair (or not get into it) was a moral choice, then I don't think the forum would work as well as it does in helping people remove themselves from these situations. And after all, being non-judmental is part of the LS ethos.

 

I don't think there's a better place online where you can come and get advice on getting OUT of an affair!!!

[silktricks]

Am not being defensive here, or aggressive, but it seems what you are saying in this bit is that this forum is the wrong place to be if trying to get out of an affair. Am I right in assuming this, if not sorry.

 

I think this is a great forum when trying to get out of an affair. Most of the people (OW/OM, BS and WS) attempt to be supportive rather than judgemental.

[Galaxy]

Sounds like she purposely put herself in this precarious position in order to regain closeness and rekindle their relationship. Her excuse for moving in was a ludicrous lie. There are plenty of rentals, but she quickly grabs the one next to her ex's home? Uh.. yeah, I dont think it was by coincidence.

But if it was, shame on her for still moving in there and continuing to have sex with him! She is obviously asking for it since she keeps on having sex with him.

[Lizzie_D]

Sorry Galaxy, but you dont know all the circumstances. Not everything is as cut and dried as that.

 

For anyone else interested, she has moved out and changed her cell phone. She has told him that he is only to get in contact if she can have him 100%. This was one week ago. She is feeling terrible, and misses him so much, but knows she has done the right thing.

 

He begged her to not go, crying down the phone. He didn't handle it at all well.

 

As for me, after my last relapse two weeks ago, I felt ok, then dropped into deep depression Sunday. After speaking to him yesterday, when he was having a strong day, I think "f*** off". He obviously is never going to leave, he doesn't want young children again, and he is too bothered about what people would think of him. He says he is bored with his life, doesn't fancy his wife, so I think well get on with it then. Its his loss.

 

My friend and I come on here every so often for a bit of uplifting!!!

[RealityCheck]

Sorry Galaxy, but you dont know all the circumstances. Not everything is as cut and dried as that.

 

For anyone else interested, she has moved out and changed her cell phone. She has told him that he is only to get in contact if she can have him 100%. This was one week ago. She is feeling terrible, and misses him so much, but knows she has done the right thing.

 

He begged her to not go, crying down the phone. He didn't handle it at all well.

 

As for me, after my last relapse two weeks ago, I felt ok, then dropped into deep depression Sunday. After speaking to him yesterday, when he was having a strong day, I think "f*** off". He obviously is never going to leave, he doesn't want young children again, and he is too bothered about what people would think of him. He says he is bored with his life, doesn't fancy his wife, so I think well get on with it then. Its his loss.

 

My friend and I come on here every so often for a bit of uplifting!!!

 

Hi Lizzie

 

There is no denying that an affair is an emotional ride to hell! Whether we are "smack in it" or "letting go".

 

I have said that I do believe this is the true meaning of "evil" in an affair. It is truly about the emotional chaos.

 

If I can be of any help... try to remain focused on what the affair is doing to your own spirit, rather than his feelings. It truly destroys a part of our own spirit.

 

Good Luck

[Lizzie_D]

Hi RealityCheck, altho I have not posted for a while, I have been reading others' posts. My friend doesn't have the knot anymore of seeing him with the family. She also knows he CAN'T ring because she has taken that from him, so she is not waiting every day for 'that call'. But there is still hope in her that he will come for her. I am not sure. Maybe he will.

 

As for me, I sometimes feel so angry that I put myself in this position. I am angry at him for knowing that he would never leave but he still did it. He says sometimes that I can wrap him round my little finger, but ultimately he has control. EVERY time he wanted to see me, I was free. But yesterday when I said "are you coming to see me before the kids break up", he said "No, I feel strong today". And to think I was so weak two weeks ago after NCing him. I let him come round again. I feel the only way to get over him is to not like him. Does that sound childish? He is quite arrogant sometimes. I read somewhere today that MM are all the same. They either talk about themselves all the time, only half listening to you, or when you try to talk, they come in with some judgement about it. He said yesterday that he can't bear hearing that I go out with friends, other couples, it makes him feel so jealous. And so it is better not to "see" me, so that he won't feel jealous. The problem is we have to see each other as friends, so I can never do complete NC. Must go for a min

[RealityCheck]

Hi RealityCheck, altho I have not posted for a while, I have been reading others' posts. My friend doesn't have the knot anymore of seeing him with the family. She also knows he CAN'T ring because she has taken that from him, so she is not waiting every day for 'that call'. But there is still hope in her that he will come for her. I am not sure. Maybe he will.

 

As for me, I sometimes feel so angry that I put myself in this position. I am angry at him for knowing that he would never leave but he still did it. He says sometimes that I can wrap him round my little finger, but ultimately he has control. EVERY time he wanted to see me, I was free. But yesterday when I said "are you coming to see me before the kids break up", he said "No, I feel strong today". And to think I was so weak two weeks ago after NCing him. I let him come round again. I feel the only way to get over him is to not like him. Does that sound childish? He is quite arrogant sometimes. I read somewhere today that MM are all the same. They either talk about themselves all the time, only half listening to you, or when you try to talk, they come in with some judgement about it. He said yesterday that he can't bear hearing that I go out with friends, other couples, it makes him feel so jealous. And so it is better not to "see" me, so that he won't feel jealous. The problem is we have to see each other as friends, so I can never do complete NC. Must go for a min

 

Lizzie...

 

I have to tell you...

When my exMM told me that he didn't like the fact I was dating, I laughed in his face! I said "it will be a cold day in hell before I ever give you that power of control!" It were these types of comments that made it easy for me to let go. He did not have that right! He was married!

 

Awe Lizzie, you have every right to go into "hate" mode if that is what it is going to take for you to move on without the MM. Do what ever you need to do for yourself.

[Lizzie_D]

I just read thread by justice, about finding out about H affair. I felt terrible for her. How awful, I chose to ignore what the whole thing would do to the other people concerned. Reading this may help me be stronger, even though I do not like the MM partner much, and she has always been quite off with me. He said yesterday, things changed for him when I started to go down the "this is so sad and pointless" route. He thought about it. Basically he is saying he will never leave, so why should I give him his cake. Its like my friend. One day he took her out to a hotel, and mid way through meal he said "even if I hated her, I would never leave". Yet we put up with this s***. Why. What is wrong with us?????

[RealityCheck]

I just read thread by justice, about finding out about H affair. I felt terrible for her. How awful, I chose to ignore what the whole thing would do to the other people concerned. Reading this may help me be stronger, even though I do not like the MM partner much, and she has always been quite off with me. He said yesterday, things changed for him when I started to go down the "this is so sad and pointless" route. He thought about it. Basically he is saying he will never leave, so why should I give him his cake. Its like my friend. One day he took her out to a hotel, and mid way through meal he said "even if I hated her, I would never leave". Yet we put up with this s***. Why. What is wrong with us?????

 

Yes, another thing to think about.

 

When I was in the affair, the exMM said to me that he did not love his W at all and as far as being intimate with her, made him cringe but in the same breath said he was never going to leave.

 

Now does this make any kind of rational sense? About as much sense as being in an Affair! IT DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE.

 

The emotions of being in an affair are as confusing as the MM's words!

[bunset]

Yes, another thing to think about.

 

When I was in the affair, the exMM said to me that he did not love his W at all and as far as being intimate with her, made him cringe but in the same breath said he was never going to leave.

 

Now does this make any kind of rational sense? About as much sense as being in an Affair! IT DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE.

 

The emotions of being in an affair are as confusing as the MM's words!

 

Completely irrational. More so than an affair.

In an affair one can still be moving toward knowing what one must do and make the necessary changes. But in a dysfunctional relationship and still declare that they're going to continue the dysfunction, would be a genuine sign of clinical masochism and anger toward oneself and partner.

 

There are bound to be dysfunctional periods in any relationship, but to not do anything to remedy it is irrational!