Lizzie_D Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 My friend met a MM two years ago. After seeing each other in secret for a year, she decided to move in next door, as they had had a break from each other. She thought she would be able to cope with this. For a while she has had to endure seeing him with his family, knows when they go out and come home again. He started to ring her again, and occasionally has been round for sex. He rings her during the week several times a day, occasionally on weekends. This is torment for her, because she can't understand why he rings her. What should she do?
Blind Illusion Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Your poor friend. I don't think I could put myself in that position even if we broke up 5 years ago. I know me. I'd be super-obsessed at all the sounds and comings and going from next door. Hopefully, she is renting and can leave soon. I know moving is a pain but it seems like the lesser of two evils in this instance. Whatever made her put herself in this position?
Author Lizzie_D Posted June 27, 2006 Author Posted June 27, 2006 She had come to a point where she needed a house, had no deposit, and it was this house or a tent. In hindsight she would have had the tent! She is moving in a few weeks time, and is going to go for NC. He thinks they will still talk. She is so in love with him, she is gutted at the thought of going, but knows she has to. Who knows, he may leave for her.
MarnieGirl Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 i'm sure your friend could have figured something else out. this kind of pretension is the worst. she's making a huge mistake. at least she's moving, but it sure won't stop her from getting in a few sessions while the husband's family is away. ugh. people are so gross and do such disgusting things.
Blind Illusion Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 She had come to a point where she needed a house, had no deposit, and it was this house or a tent. In hindsight she would have had the tent! She is moving in a few weeks time, and is going to go for NC. He thinks they will still talk. She is so in love with him, she is gutted at the thought of going, but knows she has to. Who knows, he may leave for her. At least this won't be forever then. I can just imagine how it would be torture for her, in a way. Plus, obviously, if it's NC she wants, not living next door would be a wise thing. If she decides that is not what she wants, moving shouldn't be a barrier to seeing him again, anyhow.
Author Lizzie_D Posted June 27, 2006 Author Posted June 27, 2006 Message mostly to MarnieGirl. I read in another of your posts you are due to get married, so I can understand your view in a way. But 'disgusting' is the wrong word to use. My friend moved to the house thinking she could cope as a friend. She is now moving as a message to say that she cannot do it anymore, and she does not want to carry on if he is not prepared to leave. Sometimes a MM comes on so strong and makes you feel so special, that you believe all they say. Even when your head tells you that if you were that important he would be with you...your heart is telling you something else and making excuses. She is not leaving in the hope of getting in a few secret sessions.
Sami_D Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Is this a story about you... in the true 'a friend of mine' tradition..? If not... then how can we possibly comment on the motives of someone else..? Or what are you expecting here..?
MarnieGirl Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 She thought she would be able to cope with this. For a while she has had to endure seeing him with his family, knows when they go out and come home again. He started to ring her again, and occasionally has been round for sex. He rings her during the week several times a day, occasionally on weekends. This is torment for her, because she can't understand why he rings her.What should she do? that's the disgusting part. sorry if i was confusing. she watches him and his family together, then screws him. yeah, sorry, but...disgusting. if it's torment for her, it's her own fault. moving in next to him was a dumb idea. there are always other options, always, especially in a temporary situation. if she was truly trying to stay away from him, moving near him wouldn't even be an option. i don't believe for one second she was trying to "cope" as a friend to this man. that's like a recovering alcholic asking to hang out in a bar, so he can 'cope'. please.
jhurtinct Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 I would have to agree with marniegirl, there are plenty of other options that don't include the house next door to the married man you were perviously sleeping with, your asking for what you get.................
lovernotafighter Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 i'm sure your friend could have figured something else out. this kind of pretension is the worst. she's making a huge mistake. at least she's moving, but it sure won't stop her from getting in a few sessions while the husband's family is away. ugh. people are so gross and do such disgusting things. ahh marine girl..like I said in a post to you before..I'd like to know how you are so informative and quite sage with matters of affairs? have you actually been involved in one? by your posts it seems clear to you haven't and though you bandy about your barbs aimed at OW/OM they are still apparent,probably more so because your 'advice' or what ever you like to call your opinions around here are generalised and superficial. I'm sure you are a very nice person deep down, but as it stands many of your posts here and in other forums are tactless and kinda immature.in my opinion of coarse. I for one would wish for you to start practising some diplomacy when you post especially in this sensitive forum..it's for advice and support, not for condescending digs which you seem to like to throw around.
whichwayisup Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 She had come to a point where she needed a house, had no deposit, and it was this house or a tent. In hindsight she would have had the tent! She is moving in a few weeks time, and is going to go for NC. He thinks they will still talk. She is so in love with him, she is gutted at the thought of going, but knows she has to. Who knows, he may leave for her. Tell your friend not to get her hopes up. Really support her and help her through this. NC is the best way for her to handle this so she can move on without him in her life.
MarnieGirl Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 sorry to those of you who don't find me informative and/or agreeable. i'll post where i like.
Guest Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 It was great to see other replies apart from the unhelpful ones from Marniegirl. As someone else said...forever is a long time. As well as my friend, I am attempting NC and am passing with flying colours at the moment. I too was like Marniegirl, well hopefully not as self righteous! With someone (happily) for twenty years before I was hit on. I always believed that MM were out of bounds, and I was not looking for anything else. No-one can say 'Never'. I don't condone people who have affairs, but I understand it. If I could turn back the clock I would change everything. The torment and the unhappiness I have felt...to the point when I couldn't find any joy in anything anymore, not even my children. He stole my thoughts for three years, to the point where I was completely distracted and couldn't concentrate on what my children were saying to me. The same with my friend. We all know that they are never going to leave, but something in our brain doesn't click. There is always that hope. What makes me maddest is that his life goes on the same. He always did what he wanted, even going on holiday. My life changed. I found it hard to live two lives. MM don't seem to have a problem with this. He still rings our house, but I have been strong and not spoken. I miss him.
Author Lizzie_D Posted June 28, 2006 Author Posted June 28, 2006 Nice to see the replies, except the unhelpful ones from MarnieGirl. As someone else said 'Forever' is a long time. I used to be like MarnieGirl, though not as self righteous. I considered all MM out of bounds. I was never interested. Like my friend I am also in a situation, although I have done a few weeks of NC. I am married, so he rings our house but I won't answer. It is helping to know that he still tries, even though I don't. It has been going on for three years, it came out of the blue, he wasn't even my type. I looked up to him, perhaps that was something to do with it. I told my friend not to do it as well a few years ago, but none of us realise the torment that awaits. The fact that they seem to be able to cope with two lives, but we don't. I lost interest in everything, even my children, but maybe now am on the road to recovery. We fit in around the lives of them and their families, yet we kind of put them first. Waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for them to say something nice, waiting for a 'look'. Its such a pile of s***, but we can't get out. One day MarnieGirl, it may happen to you when you least expect it. You should not be so judgemental. My friend has set moving day for next friday.
MarnieGirl Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Nice to see the replies, except the unhelpful ones from MarnieGirl. One day MarnieGirl, it may happen to you when you least expect it. You should not be so judgemental. My friend has set moving day for next friday. 1.they weren't unhelpful just because they make you feel bad. sorry, anyway. 2. no, it actually won't. 3. good for your friend, she is doing the right thing and will hoprfully be on the right track again soon. i hope she has a good friend in you, because she will probably need some support very soon.
stillafool Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Is this a story about you... in the true 'a friend of mine' tradition..? If not... then how can we possibly comment on the motives of someone else..? Or what are you expecting here..? This is what I'm thinking:confused:
Author Lizzie_D Posted June 28, 2006 Author Posted June 28, 2006 This is what I'm thinking:confused: If you read my last message, I have mentioned that I too am tied up with MM, but originally it was about my friend, also in a mess. She has no access to a computer. Its ironic that we are both in the same situation.
stillafool Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Sorry Lizzie I didn't read correctly. Well in that case I think your friend could have come up with something better than moving next door to him and his family. OMG I wouldn't be able to sleep at night for thinking about him doing his W next door. Since you say it was either this place or a tent I feel sorry for her. I'm sure he thinks she's just living there to be close to him. I don't know what to say to this thread:eek:
Author Lizzie_D Posted June 28, 2006 Author Posted June 28, 2006 Thats okay, I guess I started the thread after searching the net for some answers, and we wondered what people would think of her situation. Its hell for her, every time the front door bangs. Knowing she is moving out in a weeks time is making it worse, I think. I have done NC for two weeks. Have started to feel better. Hardest thing was wondering what he was thinking...did he miss me etc. Only trouble is he called an hour ago, and I stupidly answered. I am strong enough not to call him, but not strong enough to not answer. He said all the right things, and I know he will never leave. The NC was working a bit in that he fell out with his W and knocked a door of its hinges, but its so hard to keep up. I know if I see him, I will take a step back but I can't help it.
lovernotafighter Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Thats okay, I guess I started the thread after searching the net for some answers, and we wondered what people would think of her situation. Its hell for her, every time the front door bangs. Knowing she is moving out in a weeks time is making it worse, I think. I have done NC for two weeks. Have started to feel better. Hardest thing was wondering what he was thinking...did he miss me etc. Only trouble is he called an hour ago, and I stupidly answered. I am strong enough not to call him, but not strong enough to not answer. He said all the right things, and I know he will never leave. The NC was working a bit in that he fell out with his W and knocked a door of its hinges, but its so hard to keep up. I know if I see him, I will take a step back but I can't help it. me and my MM are in a weird space right now.. he knows I can't escape him..he seems contented. I did manage to break a date with him yesterday and if feel pretty damn good. I do wish you luck with NC, it really is a difficult process.
stillafool Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 You're right Lizzie it's so hard NC. It has been 50 days NC for me today and I haven't heard from him. I know he is waiting for me to call. I almost did a couple of days ago I felt so weak, but thank God I talked myself out of it. I can't wait for weekends when my H is home and I can't expect MM to call me. I really do want to hear his voice so bad and tell him the speech I had planned to tell him. I know it's a blessing in disguise that I haven't heard from him. I too keep thinking about what is he thinking. I am M with no kids and he is M with 3 and a stressful job. I think he doesnt' think of me at all. It's best I think that way to try to get over this. Good luck to you.
crazy_grl Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Lizzie, your friend was at best very naive in thinking that she would be able to live next to her ex MM. But I do believe that if it was her intent to be done with him, she never would have considered moving in there. There are *always* other places to live. I don't buy that it was that place or a tent. I doubt that there's anybody who would move into a house next to any ex that they wanted to get over when they still had feelings for them, much less an ex who's married. That leads me to suspect that she was moving in next door under the pretext of having nowhere else to go but with the hopes that it would bring him closer to her and get him to leave his wife. I wouldn't be surprised if she even convinced herself that she had no other option. Just my take. And yeah, she should move out as soon as she can and stop contact with the MM. I guess, what is disturbing, is why would a bridge-to-be have a need to venture into the "Infidelity" and "OW/OM" Forums during this period of her life, other than to vent and lash out her frusterations that come with planning all those special little details that can literally drive a person crazy! I do believe the "Mariiage" Forum is what you require during this hectic time. It is there you can find and/or offer support that would help to make you feel very good about yourself. Whenever I read things like this it really irritates me. Why is it that some people think only OM/OW (or people who don't try to challenge the OW in any way) are allowed in this section? Nobody in any other forum says this type of stuff to people. I've never seen anyone in the Marriage forum tell a poster to get out of *the entire forum* just because they're single. Single or not, OW/OM or not, everybody's opinion is valuable and as long as a person isn't being insulting they should be allowed to say what they want where they want whether you like it or not. If people don't agree with a person's opinion, they can dismiss it. There's no need to tell them they don't belong there. Anyway, that's just bothered me for awhile so I had to rant about it. Rant over. You may now continue with main topic of the thread.
The slayer Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 I could be wrong, but the way I understood reality checks post was related to wondering why someone who was about to be married felt the need to explore the OW or infidelity forums, not that they were not allowed in the forums. significant difference to me, as is the difference between challenging a view or a position and lashing out.
crazy_grl Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 I could be wrong, but the way I understood reality checks post was related to wondering why someone who was about to be married felt the need to explore the OW or infidelity forums, not that they were not allowed in the forums. Maybe that's true, and if so, my mistake. It just seemed to me like a sugar coated way of saying "You're not wanted here." Perhaps because I've seen people told they don't belong in this forum a number of times just becaues they don't tow the party line so to speak. If that's not the way it was meant, then I appologize to RC for jumping to conclusions about what she was saying. But my point about people being able to post where they want still stands.
MarnieGirl Posted June 29, 2006 Posted June 29, 2006 hey, thanks crazy grl. people have different ideas about what is insulting. maybe i just have a tougher skin so it doesn't bother me as much. in any case, i do notice that people tend to be insulted by things that hit very close to home, regardless of whether they are actually offensive or not. i'm not taking this personally, or i would have answered those posts before in detail. no need to. but thanks again.
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