Eric23 Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 This will take a bit to get out. I have been married for 19 years. I met my W in college. We have three great children. We have had a terrible marriage for at least the last 6 years or so. Before I met my wife, I dated a girl who became, over time, my OW1. After breaking up, due to distance, we became friends. Then we basically fell in love again. I always felt I should have married OW1, but I didn't. She married someone else, happily, and has 2 kids of her own. We kept up a correspondence, via mail and then on-line, over the years. We would occassionally meet. We did not sleep together, but it got close to that. Things got worse in my marriage about 5 years ago. We had long ago come to the conclusion that we had simply made a mistake. We were too different in terms of interests, priorities, desires, personality, etc. What I had to offer, she did not really want. What she wanted, I did not have. And vice versa. We went to counseling, but she felt that, by then, it was too late. We haven't slept together since 2001. She withheld sex and I, I suppose, withheld emotion. We sleep in separate bedrooms (it's a big house). Our interactions are business-like, almost never affectionate. But, we basically decided to stay together "for the kids." About a year ago, she started talking about alternatives--how living like this might not be "best," how we were setting such a bad example. I think she was watching "Starting Over" and "Dr. Phil" a lot. At first, I resisted. In December, life changed. I started an affair with OW2, a younger woman who I work with. She is nearly perfect for me. She had one huge flaw: she was living with her BF, but things were (obviously) not going well. For about 3 months, he didn't really seem to matter. We were very happy, seeing each other every day at work, spending time together at night when we could, travelling together whenever possible. I have never met anyone (not my W or OW1) who I felt this way about. She inspired me. She had loved me from afar for a long time, and we had flirted around this for over a year before it happened. And that's what it was: something (something wonderful) that just happened. The next time my W brought up the notion of separating, I agreed. I think this floored her a little. I started moving ahead, saw a lawyer, looked at apartments. But she has been somewhat paralyzed. She wanted to wait until this fall, but knows that we cannot make it that long. Since then, it has been a rollercoaster. Around work, rumors started flying. This caused OW2 a lot of anxiety. She also began feeling tremendous guilt about her BF. After admitting a certain amount about our relationship, rather than kicking her out, he became damned noble. They tried working things out, going to counseling, etc. She insisted (probably correctly) that we cool things off. I didn't accept this real well, and became somewhat obsessive. I badgered her about breaking it off with her BF. In some ways, I think I wanted him to find out about our affair--all of it--so that he would finally get angry enough to end it with her. Instead, their counseling sessions deal more with incompatibilities than with her cheating or her love for someone else. Despite the "cooling off," we have slept together several more times. But, on a day to day basis, we are not actively pursuing each other. I absolutely love her. It is not just the sex, or the thrill or the excitement. Although my W and I have agreed that we need to separate and divorce, it hasn't happened yet. My W also has figured out that the real reason (at least in part) for my desire to leave is OW2. OW2 has moved out of her BF's house, but is talking about moving back in with him. She "misses" him. She is confused. I will admit, he is a "nice" (if somewhat pathetic) guy. I have no respect for him, but he is doing a hell of a job of seeming selfless. She suddenly seems so young to me. Staying with him, in a very objective sense, would be a HUGE mistake. She is ignoring all the problems they had before all of this. At some point, if she marries him, she will be right where I am right now--trapped, miserable, thinking about a divorce. And I say this whether or not she and I are ever together. And he will find out about the sex and the rest eventually. Our whole office is talking about it, and she is not that good of a liar. Today, I pretty much know that OW2 and I will not be together. As much as I would love to marry her, and have kids with her, and spend the rest of my life with her, we have so much baggage. And her inability to move beyond her BF is killing me. In the meantime, I have ruined my relationship with OW1, and lost what little I had in terms of a relationship with my W. The walls are crumbling around me. Before OW2, I felt like I was wandering in a desert. I was thirsty, but I had been thirsty for so long that I hardly noticed. She was an oasis, and I had water and shade and cool for a moment. If I have to go back into the desert again, I don't think that I will be able to take it.
Blind Illusion Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Why is your relationship with OW1 ruined? It almost seems like she was someone who you really cared about all these years.? If your marriage is over, then move on from it, regardless of what OW is or isn't in your life. I realize though how it is easier to just keep the status quo going at times, particularly if there is no reason (or person) to motivate you to change that. Still, it is probably the healthier thing to do in order for you to move on to happiness in life.
zarathustra Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Eric, move on with your marriage because its over. Feel that chapter close and figure out how you can focus on your kids. You have hard days ahead. Re: OW2, she needs to figure out her life. Just like my xMM (despite what's been going on, we are not back together) needs to sort out what he wants. If she is with a BF and misses him, then it says something about how she feels about you. When I was with my xMM and left my H, I missed my H because of the history we had and did not miss a future with him. She needs to define what she is missing. So while you cope with the end of your M, you focus on YOUR needs and tell OW2 that she can contact you when her heart and mind is really free of the BF. I work with my xMM too so keep things strictly business. If she wants you and loves you, she won't stop loving you, but YOU need to define the boundaries of where that relationship is going. That is how you can look out for yourself and your kids. If thing were to work out, that part of your life must be settled first. Good luck and I understand what you are going through.
Author Eric23 Posted June 27, 2006 Author Posted June 27, 2006 The relationship with OW1 was ruined because I was honest with her. I told her about OW2. Even though our relationship, while emotionally romantic, was really more platonic than anything, she reacted angrily.
Sami_D Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Just one extremely short comment: You need to start thinking about your life WITHOUT a woman to prop you up/love/support you or be the one you run to/escape from/escape with. Your whole story is shot through with 'I would do this, that, or the other if... some other woman would do this that or the other...'... ... what about you. What do you want? And can you actually state that without a degree of fear about what you might not 'get'?
bunset Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Just one extremely short comment: You need to start thinking about your life WITHOUT a woman to prop you up/love/support you or be the one you run to/escape from/escape with. Your whole story is shot through with 'I would do this, that, or the other if... some other woman would do this that or the other...'... ... what about you. What do you want? And can you actually state that without a degree of fear about what you might not 'get'? Best piece of advice I've read today. Gotta do it for yourself with no safety net. Then you'll be able to find what you need.
whichwayisup Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Great post by Sami! You've bounced from one relationship, to another, to marriage, to an emotional affair with OW1, physical, emotional affair with OW2...It's time for you to be alone. Put your kids first and focus on them. If you're so unhappy in your marriage, end it. It's not fair to your wife if you're hanging on to her so you won't be alone. She deserves a second chance at love with someone else...Don't hang on to her because you now don't have OW1 or OW2 in your life. Have you thought of going to one on one counselling? If not, maybe it's time to consider it...Could help you through this rough time.
stillafool Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 I have a male friend who is divorcing his wife (they are separated) but is dating everyone and still trying to get back with exW. I think men are somewhat co-dependent. You need to be alone for a while after your divorce and spend time with your kids. You never know what other women you are going to want to date and experience when you are free before you make a decision on who next to settle down with. After my divorce a whole new world opened for me before I met someone and married again. I do feel by having that time I had a chance to make a better decision of who to marry and what I wanted. The other thing is how old is the OW2, her boyfriend and you? I don't want to sound mean but maybe her BF is closer to her own age and she may think he's a better choice to work it out because he most importantly has no ties (a soon to be ex-wife, kids, child support, bills, etc.) like you do. Also she may truly love him. I can understand her not being able to handle the gossip at work also. I don't know why your W should be upset with you because you have OW2 when you two haven't slept together since 2001.
Author Eric23 Posted June 29, 2006 Author Posted June 29, 2006 You all have some good advice. It looks as though I am going to have some time alone, whether I want it or not. Hopefully, it does work out for the best. OW2 is a lot younger--12 years to be exact. We used to talk about some of the other couples with similar differences in age (i.e., Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, etc.) Her BF is two years younger than her. I wouldn't say that I am "hanging on" to my W. She is just incapable of moving forward. I wanted to be out months ago. But, you can't just "end it." It gets complicated if you move out without some kind of agreement/understanding, financially and legally. We're getting there, just a lot slower than I thought. I am going to one-on-one counseling. So that is there. Finally, in response to Sami's very insightful post: I want to be a happier person. For the last six months, despite the rollercoaster ride, I have experienced happiness. I believe that I would be happy with OW2, forever. A year ago, I would have said: (1) I would never marry again; and (2) I would never want to have any more children. That is different now, in terms of what I want, vis a vis OW2.
most Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 Eric, I wish you well & good luck. But I think you should just chill for a bit. OW2 doesn't know what she wants. Right now do your own thing & get to know what you want out of life, why jump out of the fry pan & into the fire? Youre marriage sounds like mine and the thought of being in another relationship, and giving someone else controll scares the hell out of me. It is my ONLY desire to just breath by myself for awhile. I think you could benefit by that as well. M.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 Hi Eric! 19 years of marriage is a long one! It does seem like your marriage is a stale one - if you have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for the past 5 years! I agree that that would not set a very good example for the kids. Separation is probably inevitable at this point. However, you need to get your head out of OW2's p*ssy! What I mean is, if you are still sleeping with her, you are not going to gain strength to leave her. She is confused because she has 2 men who love her very much. Think about it. It doesn't help you any bit by being obsessed with OW2. You think that you truly love her... but what if it's just the sex that you really miss? At this point, to be honest with you, you've lost all leverage to both women (your W and the OW2). If you want the control back, you need to DECIDE what it is that you want! (Right now, you are letting them decide for you, basically.) If you want OW2, then you need to move out of your wife's house and file for divorce. If you want your wife, you will need to go to counseling and work on your M. As long as you are still married, do NOT blame OW2 for going back to her BF. Sorry, but you sound like a cakeman.
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