Eric23 Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 This will take a bit to get out. I have been married for 19 years. I met my W in college. We have three great children. We have had a terrible marriage for at least the last 6 years or so. Before I met my wife, I dated a girl who became, over time, my OW1. After breaking up, due to distance, we became friends. Then we basically fell in love again. I always felt I should have married OW1, but I didn't. She married someone else, happily, and has 2 kids of her own. We kept up a correspondence, via mail and then on-line, over the years. We would occassionally meet. We did not sleep together, but it got close to that. Things got worse in my marriage about 5 years ago. We had long ago come to the conclusion that we had simply made a mistake. We were too different in terms of interests, priorities, desires, personality, etc. What I had to offer, she did not really want. What she wanted, I did not have. And vice versa. We went to counseling, but she felt that, by then, it was too late. We haven't slept together since 2001. She withheld sex and I, I suppose, withheld emotion. We sleep in separate bedrooms (it's a big house). Our interactions are business-like, almost never affectionate. But, we basically decided to stay together "for the kids." About a year ago, she started talking about alternatives--how living like this might not be "best," how we were setting such a bad example. I think she was watching "Starting Over" and "Dr. Phil" a lot. At first, I resisted. In December, life changed. I started an affair with OW2, a younger woman who I work with. She is nearly perfect for me. She had one huge flaw: she was living with her BF, but things were (obviously) not going well. For about 3 months, he didn't really seem to matter. We were very happy, seeing each other every day at work, spending time together at night when we could, travelling together whenever possible. I have never met anyone (not my W or OW1) who I felt this way about. She inspired me. She had loved me from afar for a long time, and we had flirted around this for over a year before it happened. And that's what it was: something (something wonderful) that just happened. The next time my W brought up the notion of separating, I agreed. I think this floored her a little. I started moving ahead, saw a lawyer, looked at apartments. But she has been somewhat paralyzed. She wanted to wait until this fall, but knows that we cannot make it that long. Since then, it has been a rollercoaster. Around work, rumors started flying. This caused OW2 a lot of anxiety. She also began feeling tremendous guilt about her BF. After admitting a certain amount about our relationship, rather than kicking her out, he became damned noble. They tried working things out, going to counseling, etc. She insisted (probably correctly) that we cool things off. I didn't accept this real well, and became somewhat obsessive. I badgered her about breaking it off with her BF. In some ways, I think I wanted him to find out about our affair--all of it--so that he would finally get angry enough to end it with her. Instead, their counseling sessions deal more with incompatibilities than with her cheating or her love for someone else. Despite the "cooling off," we have slept together several more times. But, on a day to day basis, we are not actively pursuing each other. I absolutely love her. It is not just the sex, or the thrill or the excitement. Although my W and I have agreed that we need to separate and divorce, it hasn't happened yet. My W also has figured out that the real reason (at least in part) for my desire to leave is OW2. OW2 has moved out of her BF's house, but is talking about moving back in with him. She "misses" him. She is confused. I will admit, he is a "nice" (if somewhat pathetic) guy. I have no respect for him, but he is doing a hell of a job of seeming selfless. She suddenly seems so young to me. Staying with him, in a very objective sense, would be a HUGE mistake. She is ignoring all the problems they had before all of this. At some point, if she marries him, she will be right where I am right now--trapped, miserable, thinking about a divorce. And I say this whether or not she and I are ever together. And he will find out about the sex and the rest eventually. Our whole office is talking about it, and she is not that good of a liar. Today, I pretty much know that OW2 and I will not be together. As much as I would love to marry her, and have kids with her, and spend the rest of my life with her, we have so much baggage. And her inability to move beyond her BF is killing me. In the meantime, I have ruined my relationship with OW1, and lost what little I had in terms of a relationship with my W.
yesmaybe Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 It's possible she's keeping BF around in case you don't divorce your wife. If you want OW2, then go after her. Divorce your wife, show her the papers, and clearly and un-ambiguously tell OW2 that you love her and are willingly to fight for her. Then again - it's possible that she has a lot of personal (psychological) baggage that makes her addicted to drama and in love with remote men...but unable to sustain a real relationship. It's possible that your soon-to-be-available status is scaring the bejeezus out of her. Whatever the case - even if OW2 comes running back to you tomorrow, there is a very high chance it will not work out. Both of you sound like you carry tons of baggage, so the same problems will persist (just transferred to another person). This is a very relevant topic for me: I guess, in many ways, my affair is similar to yours with OW2. I'm the younger woman, my MM is my boss. About 3 months ago, I told my MM for "cool off" because I was was dating other men, and about to embark on a serious relationship. I felt that I deserved a real relationship, and was sick of being the OW. MM did not give up on me. For 3 months, we went back and forth. It was a very emotional time. What ultimately saved our relationship - he suggested we go to counseling together. Admittedly, this sounds very odd - how many MM go to couples couseling with their OW? But I believe he was committed to showing me that he was in it for the long haul, and that he really wanted the relationship to work. It's been about a month since we started (we see the counselor once a week, and I go individually another once a week). Our relationship has made huge progress. Of course, without knowing all the details of your affair, it's hard to advise you. But, I will suggest that, if you want her, you have to convince her to dump her bf, and to go into therapy with you instead.
Blind Illusion Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 It's possible she's keeping BF around in case you don't divorce your wife. MM did not give up on me. For 3 months, we went back and forth. It was a very emotional time. What ultimately saved our relationship - he suggested we go to counseling together. Admittedly, this sounds very odd - how many MM go to couples couseling with their OW? But I believe he was committed to showing me that he was in it for the long haul, and that he really wanted the relationship to work. I commented in your other post so I won't repeat but I didn't think of what YesMaybe said in her first sentence. That could be so true. Also, I just wanted to add that I think its a great thing that your MM and you go to counseling together. I would have loved to do something like that.
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