almostthere Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Ok...so I haven't posted in about a month. Nothing has been going wrong. My bf and I moved into together and are renting my moms condo. Things have been going good. I am working fulltime and going to school part time and my kids are happier then anything that me and my bf are moved in. They have already told me that they want us to get married and that i better not break up with him or they would be sad. they didnt mean it as a threat they said it in a cute tone. Here's the problem...you know the problems with the exwife. they have stopped. she has a bf...finally!! But I had to sacrifice so much of what I dont believe in for my bf and I to work. This whole thing has beena challenge and one worth it me. But now he went to pick up the kids tonight after work and bring them to our home. she told him she was taking him to court now for child support to come to her directly through the state. The problem is I work in payroll. I know what she should be getting and it is almost if not exactly twice as much as he is paying now. She makes more money then both of us put together right now and her kids are fed, clothed and have a nice home to live in already. however, becuase my bills got higher with the addition of rent and my mom moving out (she used to buy the food) I find myself struggling to buy food. My son has two pair of shorts for the summer and my daughter needs tops. But we just cannot afford them. We make it through the month with a few hundred dollars to spare. thats our food money. my moms condo need carpeting, tile paint even my blinds are cr*p and my family wall is all windows facing west! Not to mention our air conditioner has been broke for two weeks now and my kids bedroom needs a new screen and its painted shut. On the other hand his xw lives in a so so neighborhood with all the above things i only dream of. now with this doubled support threat and my kids living in these conditions (all in all it is very clean please dont get me wrong and we live in a wonderful neighborhood with excellent crime rates and excellent schools) without me being able to provide for them like i did when my bf and i kept our bills seperately. so now i am thinking that me and my kids should just go move in with my mom like we were supposed to and they would each have their own bedrooms (with brand new carpeting) in a very clean house with a backyard instead of me staying with my bf. Me and my kids didnt just survive we thrived. we werent lacking anything. I was even able to afford 8 days in FL last FL without sacrificing anything. Please dont get me wrong I am not some materialistic person...but I am sacrifice basic needs. is it wrong of me to think of ending this relationship because the financial need of my children cannot be met? I love him so much. we have ring shopped already and we are just waiting for a tiny break in bills to put a down payment down. thats how far along we are in this. We both agree we have never been this happy in any relationship ever...even our marriages. I just dont know what to do. I am paying less here then i could anywhere else. so we cannot downsize or cut back anymore. I guess if i quit schooling we would be better but i cant give that up again. my exh made me quit because he was afraid i would find someone smarter and leave him. I was stupid to listen but I was only 18 and i had a 6 month old at the time. I dont know what to do. I cried for 45 mintues on my way home. worst of all how do i communicate all this to him? and should i? I am stuck. i dont know what to do..... And i am not getting any child support yet because my exh went on unemployment and I cant get anything. if i do then it would be at that rate for two years. i dont know...i feel like i am drowning. We arent even poor....
Walk Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 He can't fight the child support payment? Get it lowered in anyway? A second job? A better paying first job? Take this with a grain of salt because I do know you love this man and want to be with him, but from an outsiders perspective... Do what is best for your children first and foremost. Food, shelter and something to wear first. Love and happiness second. The rest is immaterial. Toss that out of the equation. I grew up in a barely eeking by household. I think I had a good childhood. My parents loved each other, and tried to give us every opportunity possible. But what really mattered to me (looking back) is the emotional stablity, the support toward my education and goals, and the dedication they had toward my brother and me. I never had the designer clothes, my parents never had new cars, we scraped by most months because my dad worked two jobs. It sucked at the time, but I think I'm a hell of a better person then a majority of the kids that had more money then us. But my dad busted his ass to make sure we had enough money for food and shelter. Sometimes he worked 3 jobs. You shouldn't have to make all the sacrifices in order to help your bf afford his child support payments. If he's not willing to meet you half way, then don't hesitate to take action to ensure your children are taken care of.
Author almostthere Posted June 27, 2006 Author Posted June 27, 2006 Thanks Walk I really appreciate your feedback. I think you give good advice. His first job is really good. he has been working 60-70 hours a week and bringing home nice paychecks. Thats part of the problem...it'll up her child support. I am going to research this today online. I know they have father's rights websites but it always says they have to take care of their first family then worry about their family now. I blurted it all out to him last night. and all he did was sit there. starring forward. I know he heard me but come on! why do I always have to go to war for him against his ex. I asked what he said after she started this and he said he didnt say anything. he didnt ask why or when or anything. didnt try to make a deal...nothing. he probably starred blanky over her shoulder too. I am so tired of thinking of my bf as ball-less. Its like he has no spine for any woman that attempts to aggresively approach him about anything. I dont understand how he doesnt even want to stick u for te family he has now. he sees his kids thriving. he sees i am struggling yet he doesnt offer any defense no suggestions no questions no deal making nothing. I am so tired of her trying to break us up. she started this up three weeks into us living together. Maybe i am taking this the wrong way but it seems like she is trying to make it harder for us. Not that I expect her to make it easy but I want her just to leave us alone. stop attacking us. I dont know. I have so much on my plate. I really didnt want any of this. I didnt want to fall inlove because I have 7 years of schooling ahead of me. I didnt want the added stress and now i have it and i am at a cross road. i dont know what i need to do anymore. i feel like just giving up and letting her win. just because after this i dont think there is anything else she can come back at us about. She tried everything possible to break us up. i cant imagine anything else. i just want all this to end. I just want peace and happiness...........
Walk Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 He might be spineless... but there's a possibility that its guilt. Guilt over telling his children they can't have more because he has to give to someone elses children. Guilt over telling you he can't give you more because of his own children. And stuck between two incredibly strong willed women. How is he feeling about all this? Is he worried about sending a message to his own children (that he doesn't care about them) if he goes to court to get his child payments lowered? What's going on in his head?
Author almostthere Posted June 27, 2006 Author Posted June 27, 2006 Good point...I really dont know. All I really know is what he says to me...which isnt much. He says he doesnt want to give her any money. they he wants to pick up things for the kids instead. we already know this isnt possible. And he says he doesnt want the argument or headache from her so he wont ever talk to her about anything. thats all i know. I contacted a lawyer today. If he gets mad at me oh well. I am tired of her coming between us and I am tired of my kids and i sacrificing because he doesnt want the headache. my parents raised me and sis not to take crap from anyone when you know your not wrong. And i am not going to.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Either I'm clueless as to how it works in the US but if she earns more than him why is he paying her for child support? And, can he not share custody instead of paying?
scrybe74 Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 I also don't get why she can legally ask for more support if she's making sooo much more than him. In any event speaking from a father's perspective I feel for the guy. I have a child from my first marriage. Fortunately for me (but unfortunately for my son) his mother really wants very little to do with either of us so I got full custody. After the first 1 1/2 years of separation she finally started to pay me a measley amount of child support but only because her then bf guilted her into it. I never pressed the issue of $$ because of my pride and that I made more money than her. Looking back it was stupid of me because I had way more bills than her and in fact more bills than I had money to pay. She left me to pay the rent, car note, insurance and daycare on my own and took 1/3 of our HH income when she left. Now that I've moved on I've found myself caught between my current GF and the ex on money issues more than once and it'll make you want to go hide under a rock. My GF has spend plenty of her own money and time on my son over the past few years so when things get really tough or tight she get's on me about demanding more $$ from my ex. I know my ex and the simple answer is that the pain and drama isn't worth it. We don't have a legal child support agreement. We agreed to keep it out of the courts. I'm okay with our agreement as it stands. We are on the 'honor' system which means that she pays a minimum and if her income goes up she'll pay more. Anyway....the point is that it's tough to be between the two and when there are kids involved you don't want to bring that kinda drama into their lives. We were able to come to an understanding that my GF generally TRIES not to involve herself in the financial part between my ex and myself. In turn I try not to have my prior relationship affect our finances. And if it does for some reason THEN she gets a say in what happens. My advice - Your guy may not be spineless - just overwhelmed and underinformed. Try to get him to speak to the lawyer himself. It may open his eyes. The lawyer may be able to explain that anything going on between your bf and the ex doesn't reflect on the love he has for his children. This may then give him the ability to fight for his rights without feeling like he's hurting his kids in the process. If he won't then you must do what's right for your kids. It's not your responsibility to take care of your bf and his kids. He should see and respect that.
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