His Ex Wife!

[Lillygirl24]

My boyfriend thinks I am a ridiculous drama queen.

He has a love for his ex-wife which I can only rationalize the thought of when I think about them as two people co existing in the world, not exlovers who passionately screwed the hell out of each other, which violently flashes in my mind from time to time. This vision strikes my emotions but not as cruelly as when I imagine the two of them making love and telling each other those same words.

He doesn’t understand that I can’t digest it just yet. I know, we’ve been dating for almost a year and he’s been separated for about 2, only divorced for less than 6 mos, and I’m still stewing.

I feel like I am just not cut out for it sometimes.

I understand just how selfish I sound.

It’s not his fault; I just have never been the #2 woman. And I honestly don’t feel more special in his life. They have such a history. Which overwhelms me.

I died again yesterday when the conversation came up about seeing her off for a goodbye party. He says that he can’t discuss it with me anymore and refuses to let me in on the future plans of anything possibly happening when she is involved, as I “blow up” and can’t handle it.

This damages even the thought of a happy future for us, as I see it.

I have tried and tried to face it, bury it, and deal with it, so far to no avail. Can I be saved of my insecurity demons?

She must laugh hysterically with even the thought of being issued a threat to her ex’s relationships, which I hate to give her credit for, even though I don’t know her at all. Truth is, I don’t think they want each other. I left the idea that they were going to work out their problems and get back together behind a while ago.

I hate that she was his first choice and I am sadly what was left to pick from after it didn’t work out.

I want to get married someday and I feel as if it’s been cheapened. I’ve spent my share of time in long term relationships where I was constantly kicked when I was down, sometimes not just figuratively speaking. And I never got anything, let alone a commitment for the rest of my life, sparkling on my finger. And God damn it I deserved it!

I hate that she is joining the Peace Corps as that has always been a huge dream of mine. It kills me.

She makes a ton of money and I’m a poor college student with no financial savvy what so ever.

Dan has never said that his relationship with me is what was missing from his life, or that it outweighs the relationship he had with her. All I know is that I’m second choice.

I usually relax myself by remembering that plenty of people divorce and remarry and fall in love again.

And that it’s possible that I have that opportunity with Dan.

If I don’t destroy it with these insecurities.

God help me.

Will his family ever get over their divorce?

Will I?

Has he?

He is such a faithful, trusting person. And I just hate feeling this way.

So, in an effort to make this better and alleviate the pressure I have decided to have Dan take me to the going away party for his ex. His suggestion.

I feel brave just deciding to go on my own.

Im so selfish sometimes.

Can you help?

[norajane]

You have some insecurities, yes, but I don't understand why he is so intimately involved with his ex-wife, unless they have children?

 

If you feel like you're coming in second to the ex-wife, and that's based on the level of interaction he has with her, then a calm discussion about what he feels for her is in order. He shouldn't just dismiss your concerns by calling you a drama queen. At the same time, if they only see each other once in a while, and he is as faithful to you as you say, and their divorce was amicable, maybe you ARE taking it too hard.

 

You should be able to, over time, stop thinking about his past relationship because it is in the past. The best way to do that would be to remind yourself that he's with YOU now, and if he wanted to be with his ex-wife and she with him, they wouldn't have divorced. But if he makes you feel like you are less important than she is, then you may need to move on to someone without such a close relationship with his ex.

 

Good luck!

[almostthere]

I dont think you are over-reacting at all. I went through the same thing. however my bf has to see her because they share children. He wouldnt go to any parties though and he doesnt talk to her except when he gets the kids and it is usually very quick and sometimes not even pleasant.

 

If they dont have kids I would serious think about having a heart to heart talk with your bf. then from there you need to make your decisions. I know a year seems like a lot but dont we get over just about everyone we have dated for that amount of time?

 

I dont know...maybe I shouldnt be giving advice at all. I just know for me, if they didnt have kids together, i would not allow him to even talk to her. your past is your past exwives included (without sharing kids of course). Thats just me. your post sounds too familiar for me. I could have wrote the feelings you did out in my case.

 

Goo dluck with however you work this through.