The Ex Wife Syndrome!

[Lillygirl24]

My boyfriend thinks I am a ridiculous drama queen.

I can only rationalize the thought of his ex-wife and he's friendship when I think about them as two people co existing in the world, not exlovers who passionately f***ed the hell out of each other, which violently flashes in my mind from time to time. This vision strikes my emotions but not as cruelly as when I imagine the two of them making love and telling each other they love each other.

He doesn’t understand that I can’t digest it just yet. I know, I know. We’ve been dating for almost a year and he’s been separated for about 2, only divorced for less than 6 mos, and I’m still stewing!

I feel like I am just not cut out for it sometimes.

I understand just how selfish I sound.

It’s not his fault; I just have never been the #2 woman. And I honestly don’t feel more special in his life. They have such a history. Which overwhelms me.

I died again yesterday when the conversation came up about seeing her off for a goodbye party. He says that he can’t discuss it with me anymore and refuses to let me in on the future plans of anything possibly happening when she is involved, as I “blow up” and can’t handle it.

This damages even the thought of a happy future for us, as I see it.

I have tried and tried to face it, bury it, and deal with it, so far to no avail. Can I be saved of my insecurity demons?

She must laugh hysterically with even the thought of being issued a threat to her ex’s relationships, which I hate to give her credit for, even though I don’t know her at all. Truth is, I don’t think they want each other. I left the idea that they were going to work out their problems and get back together behind a while ago.

I hate that she was his first choice and I am sadly what was left to pick from after it didn’t work out.

We didnt know eachother at all before they were separated and I have never met her.

I want to get married someday and I feel as if it’s been cheapened. I’ve spent my share of time in long term relationships where I was constantly kicked when I was down, sometimes not just figuratively speaking. And I never got anything, let alone a commitment for the rest of my life, sparkling on my finger. And God damn it I deserved it!

I hate that she is joining the Peace Corps as that has always been a huge dream of mine. It kills me.

She makes a ton of money and I’m a poor college student with no financial savvy what so ever.

My boyfriend has never said that his relationship with me is what was missing from his life, or that it outweighs the relationship he had with her. All I know is that I’m second choice.

I usually relax myself by remembering that plenty of people divorce and remarry and fall in love again.

And that it’s possible that I have that opportunity with Dan.

If I don’t destroy it with these insecurities.

God help me.

Will his family ever get over their divorce?

Will I?

Has he?

He is such a faithful, trusting person. And I just hate feeling this way.

So, in an effort to make this better and alleviate the pressure I have decided to have Dan take me to the going away party for his ex. I almost threw up yesterday thinking about it. His suggestion though.

I feel brave just deciding to go.

Im so selfish sometimes.

Can you give me some advice? Feedback?

[Guest]

My boyfriend thinks I am a ridiculous drama queen.

I can only rationalize the thought of his ex-wife and he's friendship when I think about them as two people co existing in the world, not exlovers who passionately ****ed the hell out of each other, which violently flashes in my mind from time to time. This vision strikes my emotions but not as cruelly as when I imagine the two of them making love and telling each other they love each other.

He doesn’t understand that I can’t digest it just yet. I know, I know. We’ve been dating for almost a year and he’s been separated for about 2, only divorced for less than 6 mos, and I’m still stewing!

I feel like I am just not cut out for it sometimes.

I understand just how selfish I sound.

It’s not his fault; I just have never been the #2 woman. And I honestly don’t feel more special in his life. They have such a history. Which overwhelms me.

I died again yesterday when the conversation came up about seeing her off for a goodbye party. He says that he can’t discuss it with me anymore and refuses to let me in on the future plans of anything possibly happening when she is involved, as I “blow up” and can’t handle it.

This damages even the thought of a happy future for us, as I see it.

I have tried and tried to face it, bury it, and deal with it, so far to no avail. Can I be saved of my insecurity demons?

She must laugh hysterically with even the thought of being issued a threat to her ex’s relationships, which I hate to give her credit for, even though I don’t know her at all. Truth is, I don’t think they want each other. I left the idea that they were going to work out their problems and get back together behind a while ago.

I hate that she was his first choice and I am sadly what was left to pick from after it didn’t work out.

We didnt know eachother at all before they were separated and I have never met her.

I want to get married someday and I feel as if it’s been cheapened. I’ve spent my share of time in long term relationships where I was constantly kicked when I was down, sometimes not just figuratively speaking. And I never got anything, let alone a commitment for the rest of my life, sparkling on my finger. And God damn it I deserved it!

I hate that she is joining the Peace Corps as that has always been a huge dream of mine. It kills me.

She makes a ton of money and I’m a poor college student with no financial savvy what so ever.

My boyfriend has never said that his relationship with me is what was missing from his life, or that it outweighs the relationship he had with her. All I know is that I’m second choice.

I usually relax myself by remembering that plenty of people divorce and remarry and fall in love again.

And that it’s possible that I have that opportunity with Dan.

If I don’t destroy it with these insecurities.

God help me.

Will his family ever get over their divorce?

Will I?

Has he?

He is such a faithful, trusting person. And I just hate feeling this way.

So, in an effort to make this better and alleviate the pressure I have decided to have Dan take me to the going away party for his ex. I almost threw up yesterday thinking about it. His suggestion though.

I feel brave just deciding to go.

Im so selfish sometimes.

Can you give me some advice? Feedback?

 

I really think its time you show maturity now. sit him down and calmly explain to him your insecurities. He needs to know these things, so that he can better undertstand why you tend to blow up. You need to tell him what you want to hear from him.that you need to hear how important YOU are to him and that you need some basic reassurance of his love for you, at least equalling that which he felt for her.

 

I'm dating a divorced man too. and ive even fallen upon letters he wrote her during the divorce process with phrases like "I will always love you" in them. and me use to being a no;1 choice couldn't stomach it. But thankfully he has always been very forthcoming about this feelings for me, and told me that im the best part of his life etc. and i must say that has helped my jealousy issues enormously. even if every now and then i still get a twinge of jealousy imagining what their life was together, or when he talks about her.

 

things that are all nessecary to get over in order to have a healthy and happy realtionship in his PRESENT. plus im sure im way better than her confidence is what has always made men crazy about me, and he is no diffrent so far. Your insecurity just makes you unattractive to him, and makes her feel more powerfull, dont give her the pleasure of knowing she ruined your relationship.

[Maria33]

I know this is easier to say than to do. But, just think about it. Who is he with now? You. If he still loved her he would be with her, but he's not. He loves you and that's why he's with you. Maybe simple but it's true. Good luck!