KittenMoon Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 I'm dealing with too many weird feelings. This weekend was rough and good at the same time. I went strawberry picking, hung out with friends Sat night, spend sun morn selling at a flea market with my friend and his dad, and then made a metric sh*t ton of strawberry jam Sun night. This was hard because my ex and I spent all last summer picking fruit and making jam together- it was one of our favorite activities and doing it alone felt so strange. Admittedly, I've also said to hell with NC. Not that I'm calling him up or seeing him, but we have had some minimal email contact over the past few weeks. He's now saying stuff like he misses me and hasn't been able to get over me but doesn't want to get back together because of our issues, and yet he "still might want us to be together" but he doesn't think either of us have changed enough yet. And then he points out how he's working on problems of his that I pointed out during our break-up (specifically, he's trying to do things because he wants to and not because others want to him to, like his parents). And he asks specifically if my life is happier without him, and then tells me he feels like life is spinning out of control as his emotions come to him slowly. (I did end up responding, btw) Wow. I'm in this utterly bizzare place right now. Don't know how I feel about much in life, don't know if he knows either. Miss him, but other than the emails, I've been avoiding him like the plague. Had an awkward moment the other day when I drove up behind his roomies car, knew he was in it (they were on their way to a weekly activity), except that I was turning right and they were turning left and I had to stop short before the light because if I hadn't I would have been window to window w/ my ex. It wouldn't have been a catastrophic occurence, just weird. I feel like I am adrift in my own life. Don't know what I want from anything, not jus relationships. I think of my ex as my "mate" and yet I don't if I want to be with him. I can't imagine being with one person the rest of my life, at the same time I can't imagine being w/o him forever and I have no interest in pursuing anyone else. I feel like I am trapped in a paradox. It's so weird. I'm not as emotional anymore, but I do feel this huge empty spot in myself. Part of it's missing him, part of it is feeling like there's something else I'm missing as well. Therapy should be interesting today...
Nedved28 Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Hang in there. Your doing good!! Its just that your still in the mourning stage of the breakup and he prob is to. All the memories of last summer strawberry picking etc are coming back because this year your doing it without him. It was a time when u were both happy and its only natural to feel down as this year your doing all these things without him. Sometimes being mates with an ex can confuse things a little. There's a gap in your life since the breakup and you have'nt replaced it. Try and stay as positive aspossible and even take up an acrtivity or activities that you and your ex never did together to create new memories. It will help!!
Apathetic Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Be grateful he hasnt moved on & got a new girlfriend..I am living in that hell & it isnt a walk in the park..Not to say what youre going through isnt as painful but im assuming him having a new gf would just kill you Hang in there tho..I really do believe you will get through this!!
Author KittenMoon Posted June 27, 2006 Author Posted June 27, 2006 Sometimes being mates with an ex can confuse things a little. I'm dense and should have clarified. Not "mate" as in British slang for friend, rather "mate" like my male counterpart. I'd say I think like a husband, but I don't, but I feel like he was more than a bf to me. "Mate" is the only word that comes to mind. Be grateful he hasnt moved on & got a new girlfriend..I am living in that hell & it isnt a walk in the park..Not to say what youre going through isnt as painful but im assuming him having a new gf would just kill you Hang in there tho..I really do believe you will get through this!! I'm happy for this, but I also feel like we might be prolonging the inevitable. His conviction for this break up seems to be waning gradually though... but it may not continue along that path. Still, it's hard having both parties seemingly confused about what they really want in the long term. I'm a bit weirded out too because in reality, I could be dating right now. I've had a potential suitor or two.... so what has he had? I push it out as much as I can. If/When the blade falls, I'll deal with it then.
Apathetic Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 I can imagine how confusing & painful it is for you.I was in the same situation before he decided to move on & get a new f-ng GF..excuse my language but as you can see I am bitter..anyway I think its better if you move on & start a new life b/c obviously he doesnt know what he wants & you shouldnt put your life on hold waiting around.Since both of you are confused its better if you keep your distance until you know for sure what you want
Author KittenMoon Posted June 27, 2006 Author Posted June 27, 2006 I can imagine how confusing & painful it is for you.I was in the same situation before he decided to move on & get a new f-ng GF..excuse my language but as you can see I am bitter..anyway I think its better if you move on & start a new life b/c obviously he doesnt know what he wants & you shouldnt put your life on hold waiting around.Since both of you are confused its better if you keep your distance until you know for sure what you want This is more or less what my therapist said yesterday. For the record, I haven't been putting my life on hold, at least not most of it. My "romantic" life is on hold- I simply don't want to date anyone or any of that. I still miss him too much and that sucks. And even those times when I DON"T want him back, I still just want to be alone. I don't know... It's weird.
alphamale Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Therapy should be interesting today... Quite...I wouldn't mind being a fly on the wall.
Author KittenMoon Posted June 27, 2006 Author Posted June 27, 2006 Quite...I wouldn't mind being a fly on the wall. Oh alpha... you couldn't handle my brand of crazy.
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