Vertex Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 I just feel so hurt... I was told by a mutual friend that my ex girlfriend did indeed hook up with her ex boyfriend before me after (and BEFORE) our breakup. In addition she also did stuff with a random guy during her summer class sessions. I know we are broken up now and have no reason to care about one another anymore, but it still bothers me. It bothers me that she gives everyone but me attention. That ex boyfriend has never done a thing for her and yet he gets the milk when I'm the one that bought the cow. Maybe I am just whining but it's just hurtful and I wish I knew what it is that truly attracts women. I wonder if I just lack confidence -- I don't know how to separate confidence from arrogance. Can anyone give me examples or something? What is it that makes girls go wild in terms of confidence, which has to undoubtedly be the strongest point of an attractive man? How can I move on from the fact that my ex feels nothing for me? Feels no remorse as she hooks up with people that do not care for her? Someone please set my head straight. I know I'm tall, dark-featured, intelligent, funny, caring, and ambitious with a great future, but I think I'm really confused and insecure when it comes to women. I just need to know what to do.
Pink Amulet Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 You sound perfect to me. Stop using her affections (or lack of) as a gauge for your worth. No one else can make you more or less of a person. If you are all the things you say you are then she was silly to let you go. But the fact of the matter is she did let you go. What's done is done. If I used my ex boyfriends actions as a reflection of the person I am, I would say I was an unattractive, naive, silly, unintelligent girl and I am most certainly not any of those things. Just focus on meeting new people. Meet new women, and men as they will remind you of how wonderful you are. Old and comfortable friends are less inclined to say "you are so funny" as they are convinced you already know. Wheras someone new in your life will say "wow, you are really intelligent".
Walk Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 I'm sorry to hear you're going through so much pain right now. My definition of confident would be a person who is comfortable in who they are. They've identified their faults and accept them, they know their strengths and realize it doesn't make them any better of a person than anyone else. There's balance in who they are. They aren't defined by outside sources, but by knowing what makes them who they are and living their life true to that. Now, if you want to be confident just to get girls, then I think that's bordering on arrogant. If you want confidence in order to be happy in your life, then that's being true to yourself. And since most people are attracted to happy people... it's an added bonus. Vertex, I don't know how to say this without being mean.. but your ex gf was a bytch who used you. I hate that she's even in the same gender category as me. She gives the rest of us a horrible name. She doesn't know who she is, or what she wants, or even what she is looking for. She wants someone to fill a void in her soul, and she'll keep looking to men to fill it probably for the rest of her life. She doesn't see the damage she leaves behind her because she's so focused on filling that gaping hole in her soul that she can't even look back to see who she's hurt. If you can learn how to distinguish between women who are with you because they want so desperately to be happy, versus women who are happy and want to be with you, then you'll find a woman who you can share a long happy relationship with. Otherwise, you'll continually find these woman like your ex who are never happy with anything you do, and always looking for that next best thing to come along. If you learn how to be happy with who you are, then you can find the women who are happy with who they are inside.
Author Vertex Posted June 26, 2006 Author Posted June 26, 2006 Confident: Comfortable with myself. Definitely. I know my faults -- I know my strengths, but I don't like the fact that other people seem to not like my strengths, so I figure it must be a fault that prevents it. Like deep down I know I am a good person -- I know that I was blessed with lots of talents that make me unique and an ability to show empathy and understand people for the most part (I've always been willing to listen to people or give advice or do favors or just simply be a good, understanding friend) but then I wonder if this is arrogant in terms of thinking this. I guess my dilemma is the following: I'm happy with myself, but then why isn't this showing up to girls as confidence? Or, is it and I'm just not seeing it? I'm not certain at all. As for the ex I agree with you. It is hard though because I wonder who is right between the two of us (hard to be objective when you're in it all). She said, about me, 1. I am not confident even though I act like I am 2. I am insecure 3. I victimize myself. But then I feel like, 1. I AM confident. I love who I am but I just don't know why I get s***ty luck. 2. I am not insecure because she obviously cheated on me and hooked up with others despite saying otherwise to me! My concerns were valid -- not insecure! Insecurity would be needless concern over nothing without any reason -- I had reasons. 3. I just can't see how she was the victim here. She wasn't the one that was deprived of sex or affection. She didn't spend the money. She didn't lose the family members to death. She didn't pay her way through college at all. She didn't spend time making nearly as many trips to visit as I did for her. She wasn't honest to me. So yes, I feel victimized. If I'm being a whiner, someone please elucidate this for me. The only thing I'm guilty of is perhaps being too demanding of her time, but hell it was already long-distance. And is it really so much to ask that your girlfriend call at least 1-2 times a week just to show they care?! I'm sorry but 0 does not show me that they are dying to speak to me. As for the gaping hole... definitely. I have a theory that she will never be happy for a long time. Any happiness she feels will be short-term and derived from self-denial until she realizes the truth and moves on to someone new without much regard for the person she's with. I guess my question is how to find the mature girls who know what they want and understand how people function. None of this drama bullcrap. How do I know if a girl likes you for you and not because you're simply a void filler?
Walk Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 Confident: Comfortable with myself. Definitely. I know my faults -- I know my strengths, but I don't like the fact that other people seem to not like my strengths, so I figure it must be a fault that prevents it. A few questions: Who are these other people? And why does it matter? And if you have 30 people who admire these traits in you and 5 who don't, do you only see the 5? As for the ex I agree with you. It is hard though because I wonder who is right between the two of us (hard to be objective when you're in it all). I had this problem when I was younger, still do to a degree... Who is right? You are. Assuming you are able to look at both sides of the equation with as much of an unbiased view as possible, and you still come to the same conclusion. Then you are right. Doesn't matter at that point what anyone else thinks. They might not agree with you, but the fact is, they don't live inside your head. You do. If they could come to you with a valid reason as to why you should re-evaluate the situation and come to a different conclusion, then fine. But this girl doesn't have a valid reason for you to come to a different conclusion. So she throws accusations at you. She shifts the blame to you because she knows she's wrong but won't admit it even to herself. She's trying to confuse you and make you doubt what you know. Don't fall for this. How do I know if a girl likes you for you and not because you're simply a void filler? I think a guy could probably answer this best, since I don't really have to deal with this except for female friends. But I'd say you can learn a lot about what a girl is like this based on what she says about her past relationships, or how she treats her friends. A female friend of mine talks about her ex's in terms of what they didn't do for her. I haven't heard her once say that she had any fault in the demise of those relationships. And she also only calls me when she wants something. She is one of those people constantly searching for someone else to make her happy and make her feel special.
Fun2BMe Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 How can I move on from the fact that my ex feels nothing for me? Feels no remorse as she hooks up with people that do not care for her? Someone please set my head straight. I know I'm tall, dark-featured, intelligent, funny, caring, and ambitious with a great future, but I think I'm really confused and insecure when it comes to women. I just need to know what to do. Sorry you're feeling so hurt. As for her feeling no remorse while she hooks up with people that do not care for her - keep in mind that she too may not be feeling anything for them. She could have had feelings for you while you were still together, and when she randomly hooks up with others, she may not be experiencing those same feelings that she had for you. It sounds like you are handsome and intelligent. Just because your ex gf doesn't want you, doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you that you have to change. You could just as well be another girl's ideal type the way you are without changing a thing. Do you want to change who you are in order to please a girl who no longer wants to be with you? Or do you want to save that energy on something more productive like finding another girl who will like you and appreciate you just the way you are. Don't change yourself to please a girl who cheated on you then left you. Have you ever thought that there is somehting wrong with her and it's not you with the problem?
Author Vertex Posted June 26, 2006 Author Posted June 26, 2006 Walk: My friends admire these traits. The people I date see these traits too and then suddenly become "those 5" you speak of. But every girl I have been with turns out to be someone who lies and cheats. They always leave me for someone better but it's never for an emotional connection -- it's always something really surface-level and physical and never lasts. I hurt thinking about my ex pleasuring her ex boyfriend... I tire of heartache. I've been trying not to fall for her faulty logic but it's difficult because I don't know how someone could actually think such arguments are strong. How can she honestly feel like I am insecure when she's proven my points by cheating and growing distant? Even if I am right it still doesn't change the fact that the relationship nosedived and I am once again single. I wish I could just find someone who was fiercely loyal and intelligent enough to know that relationships really do take compromise and empathy. The ex had not one iota of either. It was all about her and what she wanted at her own convenience. One of my friends goes above and beyond for her boyfriend who is just a complete moron -- and yet she wishes to stay with him. She knows there's no future for them, she knows he is bad for her, and she does nothing but complain about his bad traits, and yet they continue to touch each other constantly. I ask her why she makes this abusive decision despite knowing all this and she just shrugs and says "I admit, I'm addicted to abuse I guess" and it makes me mad that people think this way. You mentioned a friend talking about exes that did nothing for them. Do I do this? I mean I can and have definitely admitted that my exgirlfriend helped me land a nice summer job and that for a while she was a very caring/giving person, but I also can't deny the fact that these affections were just so short-lived. I feel like it was just so one-sided most of the time. I'm talking maybe 4 months out of a 2 year relationship. Most of it was me chasing her down for some form of affection. Fun2BeMe: No, I would never change for this ex. I know she's in the wrong but it's just difficult because I have yet to find someone who TRULY likes me for me. Most people tend to have her mentality that random hot hookups are the way to go. The ones in relationships had good timing. But even then so few of them truly work out. I am shy and so it is hard for me to just go out there and meet hundreds of people, but when I do meet people I grow very close and usually if it's a single girl there's a high chance she will end up liking me. It's just hard to get the foot in the door with a potential candidate I guess.
Author Vertex Posted June 26, 2006 Author Posted June 26, 2006 Update... I feel more over my ex, but I am still wondering about the questions at hand. What do you guys think?
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