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Brain Twister....

RealityCheck

By RealityCheck
in The Other Man / Woman

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RealityCheck Established Member

RealityCheck

Posted
Posted

We all are aware of the things we HAVE compromised with our MM or exMM...

 

We all are aware of the obvious so I WE don't need to be reminded of those!

 

What is the ONE thing that you will NEVER compromise.....

 

My intention of this thread is to help the OW's/ OM's find that "Trigger".

 

Should it be too personal to post, I totally understand and respect your decision.

bunset Established Member

bunset

Posted
Posted

Ouch that's a tough one!

 

OK... I've tolerated verbal abuse for years from H, so, I'd probably be awful sensitive to that again, from anyone else.

Physical abuse is an absolute no-no! Especially to my kid!!!!!!!

So essentially any act of cruelty is a big NO.

 

Too much 'stupidity' or ignorance/lack of common sense (?)

 

Lack of work ethic.

 

Outward disrespect to others and disregard for laws in general.

 

I'm too guilty of certain human frailties to judge much else.

 

As for little faults... smoking is a turn-off, as is a careless/sloppy wardrobe/hygeine. :sick:

movinon05 Established Member

movinon05

Posted
Posted

Without putting words in RCs mouth, I think she is trying to say, - what is the "trigger" that would be the absolute deciding factor for an OW/OM to end an affair, rather than traits in a person we might consider as a potential partner. Just as UKO was hoping catching MM in a lie would be the "trigger" for her to start NC and end it altogether.

 

I have a number of "triggers", but I'm not going to post them yet. For various reasons.

bunset Established Member

bunset

Posted
Posted

ah....

I'm not good at absolutes, myself.

I guess the ones I posted are the only ones I have.

 

I'm awful about not being judgemental, since I could name a million different reasons someone would do something we think is awful.

 

I hold very few absolute boundaries. They would be contrary to my goal of living a life open to all of the universe's intent. But I can learn to build appropriate boundaries and respect them in others.

 

Could be one of my problems???

UnknowingOW Established Member

UnknowingOW

Posted
Posted

Damn trigger message! :p

 

I have ideas, but I think they all been compromised at some point or another.

 

Maybe it's the trigger in you which makes you open your eyes to reality.

 

It could be anything.

  • A word and/or statement
  • An action and/or non-action
  • A deceit and/or honesty
  • Body language
  • Or is it when we mentally have had enough the trigger is finally pulled.

For me, it's probably the later.

Blind Illusion Established Member

Blind Illusion

Posted
Posted

I'm not sure I understand completely. If I am hearing you correctly, my children would be the one absolute. There have been occasions whee I promised one of my children that I'd do something and suddenly the MM might had time to meet me. I wouldn't put him before them.

 

Other than that , I can't think. Guess I am similar to Bunset with few absolute boundaries

UnknowingOW Established Member

UnknowingOW

Posted
Posted
I'm not sure I understand completely. If I am hearing you correctly, my children would be the one absolute. There have been occasions whee I promised one of my children that I'd do something and suddenly the MM might had time to meet me. I wouldn't put him before them.

 

Other than that , I can't think. Guess I am similar to Bunset with few absolute boundaries

 

RC means, what action, thought, idea, whatever would be your final reason to exit the affair. Those are trigger which cause action on your part to walk away for good.

lovernotafighter Established Member

lovernotafighter

Posted
Posted

I don't have children so I can't say that..I am kinda uncertian what my final nail in the coffin would be.

 

I know my last NC that I managed for about a month was primarly triggered because his supposed friends told me all this crap about his wife..one person even went as far to say outside of work they looked liked they picked there clothes up off the floor.

 

for some reason that ate at my craw badly, and the same day he accidently wore his ring in front of me, so then I sent him the NC letter.

 

I'm thinking of giving myself a dose of reality and drive by his home and see his little love nest for my self..I think that might do the trick

UnknowingOW Established Member

UnknowingOW

Posted
Posted

Not gonna get graphic here, but this was an actual trigger for me.

 

The ex H is gay or bi...cannot remember and neither can he..ha ha ha (just a note before anyone says...Why did you marry a gay man??? I didn't...He never told me...there we go again...unknowing until the end. :confused: ) Or Clueless as I liked to call my self then.

 

Anyway, counseling, Sex Addicts Ann, therpy, blah, blah, blah, blah. He tired but the sex was too powerful for him.

 

The Trigger

 

To preface this, I don't know how many people know, but men that want to pick up other men for casual...well, you know, generally hang out in local city parks. If you don't believe, drive by one time sometime...park in the parking lot and look at the number of single males hanging out. It isn't for the kids.

 

Anyway, intution..THANK GOD I finally believe in it. In the past when I had this happen, I would drive by all the city parks and outlaying county parks looking for my ExH. And this is how I know catching someone physically isn't a trigger. He came walking down the stairs with some guy...and I'm not going into details, but the look on his face was "Holy S* she actually caught me." That wasn't my trigger.

 

The 3rd time my intiution took complete hold of me while I was at work , and something told me this wasn't going to be pretty. I mean I was physically ill. My boss told me to go home. Anyway, I looked, and I looked everywhere, every park. I couldn't find him. Then something made me think of one other park way on the other side of town. I got there and there he was with some guy. Nothing was happening, but it was about too.

 

I begged my ExH to get into the car. I was crying and pleading that he could go to a meeting, see his sponor, whatever he needed we would make it though. And the guy starts screaming at me to leave my H alone that it was none of my business telling my ExH (H then) what to do. I got in my car and spead down the hill, my H was right behind me. I stopped before entering the highway. I told him with tears streaming...why do you keep doing this to us? And then the OM shows up and starts screaming and yelling at me. He comes up to my car...I remember looking at my H standing outside on the passenger side watching this event unfold. The OM punches my brand new car and threatened my life. My H did nothing.

 

My ExH's non-action was my trigger for walking away and ending a terrible marriage.

eyeswideshut Established Member

eyeswideshut

Posted
Posted

i think if I found out he kisses or makes love to his wife, I would just die and never want to ever speak to him again....

bunset Established Member

bunset

Posted
Posted

hmmmm

I think UnknowingOW hit it for me.

I'm getting a strange vibe on this too.

It may be the parks location that triggered a memory about someone for me...

zarathustra Established Member

zarathustra

Posted
Posted
We all are aware of the things we HAVE compromised with our MM or exMM...

 

We all are aware of the obvious so I WE don't need to be reminded of those!

 

What is the ONE thing that you will NEVER compromise.....

 

My intention of this thread is to help the OW's/ OM's find that "Trigger".

 

Should it be too personal to post, I totally understand and respect your decision.

 

One thing I will not compromise on was my importance in xmm's life. If I fall below his children in importance, that is fine, but I needed to be the next priority after his children. He couldn't do that for me so we went our separate ways.

 

While I was not initially the OW when xMM and I got together, I ended up being one because once he started putting his wife above me, that's what I became.

  • Author
RealityCheck Established Member

RealityCheck

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I'm not sure I understand completely. If I am hearing you correctly, my children would be the one absolute. There have been occasions whee I promised one of my children that I'd do something and suddenly the MM might had time to meet me. I wouldn't put him before them.

 

Other than that , I can't think. Guess I am similar to Bunset with few absolute boundaries

 

You understood completely!

 

My children are the one ABSOLUTE that I will never compromise!

 

I never posted the details of what took place for me to have an absolute end to the affair, but I will tell you it was all about my children!

Walking away Established Member

Walking away

Posted
Posted

The trigger with my xMM was sexual betrayal. I cannot handle that kind of betrayal. It destroys the deepest part of me.

 

And he did it.

 

Trigger pulled.

 

Bang, bang....

 

What we had/are is dead.

  • Author
RealityCheck Established Member

RealityCheck

Posted
  • Author
Posted
The trigger with my xMM was sexual betrayal. I cannot handle that kind of betrayal. It destroys the deepest part of me.

 

And he did it.

 

Trigger pulled.

 

Bang, bang....

 

What we had/are is dead.

 

I agree WA....

 

Whatever the trigger maybe for someone, "Done is Done"!

Sami_D Established Member

Sami_D

Posted
Posted

If I'm understanding the question correctly, what would it take (have taken, since we're past tense now anyway as far as the A is concerned) for me to say OK, no way, and walk away?

 

1) If I found out he had lied to me about anything. No R can exist based on lies. Nor is it even a relationship (imho) if there is no honesty between those involved. It's not so much what he does (but more of that in 3 below), but whether he lied to me about it. How can you trust someone or build anything with them when they will lie to you? (and yes, I do think a MM can be completely honest with their lover, even when their older R with their W has passed into disillusionment, lack of communication, and resentment).

 

2) If he had said he could never leave his M, or was in any way comfortable with the A arrangement. There is no way I would have had an A with someone who wanted to continue living a lie with his W.

 

3) If he'd exhibited any of the behaviours I have talked about on another thread... controlling, manipulative, abusive, even subtly. If he couldn't take the word 'no' as meaning no. If he couldn't respect me. If he'd ever forced himself on me or into my presence (even unwanted emails during NC, sorry, but I'm very intolerant of this kind of bs). If he'd ever disregarded my feelings or let me down.

 

But having said that, you all know I ended the A anyway, and he didn't do or say any of those things. I just wasn't into having an A... Not sure that helps with finding anyone's 'trigger' however :rolleyes:

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