FaithyBabe Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 I have been Married for 12 years. My husband is good and nice. There is no passion in our relationship. I have tried various ways to encourage him. He tells me its because I have been fat. I have been fat, and pregnant. I am a size 12 at the moment and have been for over 2 years.There is still no passion. What I mean by passion is intimacy and sex I suppose. I have found myself attracted to someone else and feel excitment. Nothing has come of it but it reminded me of what I was missing. I have cried, begged, been quiet, brought books, sought counselling, offered anal sex, offered another partner to spice things up and still he is happy only to have sex, once a month. It used to be every three months . Once I found porn , I wasnt upset and encouraged it thinking it would help. I have left my husband before and he never chases me , instead he says "Oh ok" Now we have separate bedrooms and I want a divorce. He is like "OH OK" Then he will say (without conviction) I want to make it work! HELP !!!
LightningRod Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 1) Lose weight and exercise it is good for you. You will feel better about yourself. 2) Work on communication and friendship. Couples who have been married for a long time often forget how to talk. 3) He is a bastard if got you pregnant and now doesn't like you body. That said if you are three hundred pounds then I could understand why he is not attracted. Still doesn't mean your aren't a wonderful person.
SoleMate Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 Please read The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis.
LightningRod Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 Yes, Get advice from people that know what they are talking about.
Author FaithyBabe Posted June 30, 2006 Author Posted June 30, 2006 Hey Lightning Rod, thanks for the input, yes I love to eat right and exercise, I am only about 4 -5 kilos overweight at the moment. I notice that when i do lose weight my husband gets freaked out and buys junk and sabotages workouts for me. No we dont talk as much as we should. he is a very anti social kinda guy and doesnt have any friends so to speak. he didnt really talk much in our early days and I dont expect it to change, having said that its worth making the effort I feel. Thanks
Author FaithyBabe Posted June 30, 2006 Author Posted June 30, 2006 Hey there Solemate, I will get a copy to read Thanks ! I am just getting through "Women who love too much" at the moment its a good one too, very insightful. Funny, I do feel sex starved but my husband says we do do it ! I cant believe his perception is totally different ! I guess we are all different
LightningRod Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 Hey Lightning Rod, thanks for the input, yes I love to eat right and exercise, I am only about 4 -5 kilos overweight at the moment. I notice that when i do lose weight my husband gets freaked out and buys junk and sabotages workouts for me. No we dont talk as much as we should. he is a very anti social kinda guy and doesnt have any friends so to speak. he didnt really talk much in our early days and I dont expect it to change, having said that its worth making the effort I feel. Thanks Well I hope everything works out for the best for you. You seem like a very nice person.
zarathustra Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 I have been Married for 12 years. My husband is good and nice. There is no passion in our relationship. I have tried various ways to encourage him. He tells me its because I have been fat. I have been fat, and pregnant. I am a size 12 at the moment and have been for over 2 years.There is still no passion. What I mean by passion is intimacy and sex I suppose. I have found myself attracted to someone else and feel excitment. Nothing has come of it but it reminded me of what I was missing. I have cried, begged, been quiet, brought books, sought counselling, offered anal sex, offered another partner to spice things up and still he is happy only to have sex, once a month. It used to be every three months . Once I found porn , I wasnt upset and encouraged it thinking it would help. I have left my husband before and he never chases me , instead he says "Oh ok" Now we have separate bedrooms and I want a divorce. He is like "OH OK" Then he will say (without conviction) I want to make it work! HELP !!! I think that sometimes no matter how hard you try, if passion and emotional connection is missing/lost its hard to get it or get it back. Try your ultimate best and see where you get with it... a marriage requires two to tango so if you want to make it work and he doesn't, what are you supposed to do? I am not a proponent for divorce but am going through the exact same situation and I think that you have to do what is fair and right to you. Don't have an affair with the new man because it'll tear you apart inside... speaking from experience. Think about what you deserve and want in life and take action to get it. My H and I decided to separate after being together for 7 years. I think we are doing what's best for each other by saying that we love each other, but we need different partners because we're just not a good match. Can't fit a square peg in a round hole.
sugarplum Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 Mine is a "whatever" man. That's his response to everything. Its sooooo irritating. So I definately feel for you with the "Oh, OK" bit. Could he be sabotaging your wieght loss because he doesn't want you to lose the weight and be more desirable to other men? I guess if the weight is his complaint, I dont get why he doesn't encourage you more especially when you have made some progress!
sugarplum Posted July 1, 2006 Posted July 1, 2006 I can't imagine a man who is happy to have sex only once a month. Perhaps it is not you with the problem (the weight), but him.....
most Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 You & I are in the same boat....I plan on ending my marriage with in a year. Not looking for greener grass right now, I just want time to clear my head. Hubby disconnected from me years ago & no matter what I thought of he just wasn't into it. Making love is just sex to him & he has said there is no love in the process...I mean really I could be a f***ing chair, what would be the difference. His mother has come between us in the biggest way, and he does nothing. I used to feel like I or we should try to make things work out, but now I know there is nothing to work out.Now I am so disconnected nothing could bring me back. I truely hate him. M.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 Hi FaithyBabe and MOST: I have been married 10 years, and though I am not in the same boat as you are in, I can understand your frustrations. My H has been gaining weight since our first child. We have 3 now, so go figure! (I regained my figure after every pregnacy.) Physical attractiveness is a very important emotional need. Instead of thinking about divorcing your Hs, consider really, really losing weight. You have nothing to lose but the excess fat! What I'm saying is, he could be practicing 'tough love'.
mslucysue Posted July 2, 2006 Posted July 2, 2006 Strange How He Tries To Sabatoge Your Workouts And Diet. What Is Up With That? I Hope You Find Some Happiness After This Is All Over.
Becoming Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 Could he be depressed? Or addicted to porn? He sounds emotionally flat, which is a sign of depression. It sounds like underneath his "whatever" exterior wall he's put up, he's terrified of losing you--hence the diet sabotage. And for Gawd's sake a size 12 doesn't really sound fat unless you're quite short. It's not about you; it's him.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted July 3, 2006 Posted July 3, 2006 FaithyBabe, I reread your original post... and it occurs to me that this is him. I mean, has he always been cold and passionless? or is he like that only with you or with women in general? Seriously, you know him better than any of us here. Only you can be sure whether he will change. The question really should be: how much longer can you put up with a passionless marriage?
Author FaithyBabe Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 I think that sometimes no matter how hard you try, if passion and emotional connection is missing/lost its hard to get it or get it back. Try your ultimate best and see where you get with it... a marriage requires two to tango so if you want to make it work and he doesn't, what are you supposed to do? I am not a proponent for divorce but am going through the exact same situation and I think that you have to do what is fair and right to you. Don't have an affair with the new man because it'll tear you apart inside... speaking from experience. Think about what you deserve and want in life and take action to get it. My H and I decided to separate after being together for 7 years. I think we are doing what's best for each other by saying that we love each other, but we need different partners because we're just not a good match. Can't fit a square peg in a round hole. And it is so hard to fit that round peg into that square hole. I want to make it fit and try to so hard but it is hard work I have to take action i guess , almost like that last ditch effort, but I know there is more, I just hope with all hope that he finds it and responds Mum says he wont i hope he does I will let u know cheers thanks for ur input it is so much appreciated
Author FaithyBabe Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 Well I hope everything works out for the best for you. You seem like a very nice person. thanks Lightning Rod, I do try to be nice, and sometimes that is part of the problem. You are a nice person to suggest that I am nice too
Author FaithyBabe Posted July 7, 2006 Author Posted July 7, 2006 You & I are in the same boat....I plan on ending my marriage with in a year. Not looking for greener grass right now, I just want time to clear my head. Hubby disconnected from me years ago & no matter what I thought of he just wasn't into it. Making love is just sex to him & he has said there is no love in the process...I mean really I could be a f***ing chair, what would be the difference. His mother has come between us in the biggest way, and he does nothing. I used to feel like I or we should try to make things work out, but now I know there is nothing to work out.Now I am so disconnected nothing could bring me back. I truely hate him. M. Yes sometimes I totally believe that it is like f***ing a chair. And his mother is such an important part of our lives even tho we live one thousand miles apart.. it is so hard, I dont want to be alone. My heart goes out to you .
Becoming Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 I'm sorry, but until he decides to deal with his issues, whatever they are, you're going to continue like this indefinitely. Leaving him with the intention of waking him up as to what's happening may be your only resort if you've tried talking to him. You're going to have to be honest in telling him what's happening--that you're going to have to leave if nothing is resolved because you just can't go on like this. Ask him if that's what he wants because that's what's gonna happen. I highly recommend the book Living with a Passive Aggressive Man. It may help. But I think you're at the point where you need professional help of some sort--a good marriage counselor or a divorce lawyer.
slinkysu Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 And for Gawd's sake a size 12 doesn't really sound fat unless you're quite short. It's not about you; it's him. Not sure about Mebourne - but a size 12 in the UK is an 8 in the USA and not fat at all IMO Am sorry your husband treats you with such indifference - you deserve better and there are much better men out there. Don't waste your life with a loser - you will only have regrets
most Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Thank you for that, but I welcome being alone....I'd rather not deal with his wants, his needs. I am not sadden in the least. I am just done, this cake is baked. I look forward to change & doing my own thing. Its time for my life to be my way. Its like this....he wants a new car he buys it, then hands the book to me & tells me make it work. He opend credit cards and had them auto deduct payment from checking and never mentioned it to me. He refuses to look at nicer homes, because theres nothing wrong with ours.(Its too small & we have outgrown it.)He says he doesn't want to pursue a better life with me in the picture. All the plans we made for our lives when we were engaged he now says, eh I don't want that anymore. He's an only child, spoiled rotten by his mom....his last bday I didn't bake his bday cake, she called up at my job and read me the riot act, for not taking care of her son I didn't make him feel special enough. Hello we had kids needing to be at different events that night, I said we will do your bday dinner on saturday & we did. I can't even buy a bedspread that pleases him....this is my life too and yet he makes all the decisions for me, I have no say. I know I let him get controll, because I thought it was easier than fighting, but now I see how lonely he has made our life. He really just needed another mommy....well I'm just finnished here. I look forward to not having to look at him everday or do his things...It's my turn to enjoy life & trust me I'm gonna do just that. He is no longer my piority. I am HAPPY with that. So be happy for me that I have jumped out of my shell, & taking on life with a new fire in my heart!
Becoming Posted July 7, 2006 Posted July 7, 2006 Thank you for that, but I welcome being alone....I'd rather not deal with his wants, his needs. I am not sadden in the least. I am just done, this cake is baked. I look forward to change & doing my own thing. Its time for my life to be my way. Its like this....he wants a new car he buys it, then hands the book to me & tells me make it work. He opend credit cards and had them auto deduct payment from checking and never mentioned it to me. He refuses to look at nicer homes, because theres nothing wrong with ours.(Its too small & we have outgrown it.)He says he doesn't want to pursue a better life with me in the picture. All the plans we made for our lives when we were engaged he now says, eh I don't want that anymore. He's an only child, spoiled rotten by his mom....his last bday I didn't bake his bday cake, she called up at my job and read me the riot act, for not taking care of her son I didn't make him feel special enough. Hello we had kids needing to be at different events that night, I said we will do your bday dinner on saturday & we did. I can't even buy a bedspread that pleases him....this is my life too and yet he makes all the decisions for me, I have no say. I know I let him get controll, because I thought it was easier than fighting, but now I see how lonely he has made our life. He really just needed another mommy....well I'm just finnished here. I look forward to not having to look at him everday or do his things...It's my turn to enjoy life & trust me I'm gonna do just that. He is no longer my piority. I am HAPPY with that. So be happy for me that I have jumped out of my shell, & taking on life with a new fire in my heart! You go, girl!
bunset Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 Ty, it felt good to let that out. sounds good to me. You probably need to take care of yourself and your kids, and don't need another so-called adult to make that job harder. You should model the behavior tha you want your kids to live. Don't let them see you being taken advantage of or disrespected or they'll believe that's what they should do too (either the do-ers or done-tos)
Bob Dole Posted July 9, 2006 Posted July 9, 2006 The short answer: no. Change - any change - is damn difficult. For most people, it veers close to impossible. If your husband WANTS to change, if you BOTH want your marriage to change, it IS possible. But you have to want it like you want the air breathe. Most people don't want to change badly enough. Thus, most people don't change. It can be done. It could be done. But it ain't likely. It may be politically incorrect to say it, but its the truth. How that relates to your situation, you'll have to decide.
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